Princess Celestia swept through the corridors with an uncharacteristically rapid stride, her eyes red and streaming. Each creature she passed made a pointed effort to avoid glancing in her direction, busying themselves with dusting a nearby statue or adjusting a painting that wasn't crooked.
She headed straight up the stairs - then more stairs after that - and still more - and directly to the Lunar Spire. Luna's personal guards had already stepped to each side.
And, still yet out of character, Luna's tall oaken door opened at her mere approach with a low, resounding creak, welcoming the Sun Princess into the darkness. Celestia huffed and sniffled for a few seconds, hesitating.
"Come in," came an irritated sigh from within, and Celestia stepped inside, allowing the door to slam shut behind her like the doors to a lich's tomb. She stared down at the waxed wooden floor with furious, watering eyes.
How was it possible that abortion had been outlawed in Equestria? The government was disproportionately staffed with mares, most notably the supreme leaders of the Equestrian diaspora - all of whom were either married with child or were considered desirable to an unearthly degree. The country was very comfortable with nudity and, for lack of a better phrasing, very sexually active. And she herself had played every card in the deck of Princess Celestia. She had never been so completely ineffectual in governmental proceedings before. Yet the Astral Council - a pack of grumpy old men who hadn't gotten laid for longer than most mares had been alive - no-sold her and went ahead and did it!
She realized she was tensing one hoof and scuffing Luna's floor and stopped. "Sorry," she huffed. "I'm so ashamed..."
"Sucks," Luna yawned. After a pause, Celestia blinked in confusion and looked up. Luna was at that big tea table of hers, one elbow on the tabletop, levitating a gigantic mug of coffee and staring blankly past her at nothing with huge bags under her eyes.
"They said life was sacred," Celestia spat bitterly. "Hypocrites."
"Aye, unless it is not a pony, then they hardly care," Luna scoffed. "Why, not a moon or two afore, a griffon was charged for assault against herself, for having slipped and fallen on the curb of a city street. Lucky she were not a zebra."
"Ridiculous." Celestia sighed. "They told me I was murdering foals..."
"As if we ever had a problem with that," Luna gave a sleepy smile.
"Luna!" Celestia gaped, appalled. "That was once. And that was you. I told you it was a terrible idea."
"But we were the dreaded queens of the hyena-people for a year."
"Whatever, Luna," Celestia sighed in irritation. "They told me abortion was against Faust."
"Ha!" Luna barked, and rolled her eyes. "Faust wishes she had aborted our entire universe. But it matt'reth not." She took another sip.
Celestia blinked again, her mouth opening slightly. "Er," she closed her mouth and cleared her throat. "I'm sorry? I've just failed our people on one of the most important crises we've ever seen that didn't involve soul-sucking or lasers..."
"The abortion thingy, it is of no count, not to us at least," Luna waved the mug as if to dismiss the issue. "You and I have successfully hidden our many, many indiscretions over the course of multiple bodies of law. Have we not?"
"... I don't follow," Celestia furrowed her brows. "You were absolutely caught smuggling those comic books."
"Oh come now," Luna tutted, thrusting her coffee mug out accusingly, "Do you mean to tell me that you've never done it?"
"Done what?"
Luna froze for a second, scowled, and set her mug down onto the table, getting up and glancing distinctly down at Celestia's hooves. "Dear sister, you were in rather a rush to get over here, were you not?"
"I was," Celestia leaned back.
"Even though when you walk too quickly you end up kicking your massive udders and causing them to wobble obscenely?" Luna raised her chin and one eyebrow. It was now clear she was actually looking elsewhere.
Celestia stared in wide-eyed shock, her face reddening. Her wings dropped down in a vain attempt to cover her peerless undercarriage. "Oh," she offered.
"You are normally quite aware of your physique," Luna crooned, "And you tell me, with all your voluptuous glory, and your queen-sized mommy milkers set to smother a stallion's face and member at once altogether, that you hath not once gotten pregnant?"
"I..!" Celestia looked away. "O-of course not! I couldn't... I can't afford to... The scandal would be monstrous!"
"As monstrous as thy MILFy boobage!" Luna roared. "Yet 'tis the easiest thing in the world to grant thyself reprieve from the shackles of nature's misogyny!" She waved the hoof that formerly guided her mug's movements. "I've done it myriad times! No one will even know! It leaveth no trace!"
"Reprieve from what?"
"Why, I did it this morning," Luna yawned again. "As you knowest, I addressed the Asshole Council but yesterday."
"The Astral Council, yes," Celestia grimaced, nodding uncertainly. "You gave them a... very graphic and, er, theatric account of a sexual assault and the horrors of being forced to bear child from such indignity." She winced. "Were you talking about Cornflower Wolfsdaughter? She was such a sweet filly --"
"The sweetest!" Luna tossed up a hoof. "And oh how the cutie was broken! What was her age again, eleven? Her body had bloomed and her mark had not, I know this much. I loved her as a dear friend, and 'twas very stressful to repeat her story to those who love naught but coin, and see children as punishment for being a mare or even a filly," Luna scowled. "I-gaww-mega-tie-ah'd." She yawned again.
Celestia stared.
"I got mega tired," Luna repeated, "And so I took a consort to bed to soothe my tensions."
"What!!"
"And so he did and but how, mine cooch burst asunder with the fury of a world's end -- but the other thingy hath already been outlawed, how is it hight, the 'morning-after pill'," Luna scowled at the floor, a hoof to her chin. "So I did it myself."
"Y..." Celestia winced and shook her head, attempting to remove unwanted imagery from her mind. "Yourself." She processed Luna's statement, beeps and boops sounding from within her mane which flashed in strips like a Lite Brite. "... You cast... some kind of... abortion spell." She sighed out her nose.
"No! Nooo no," Luna shook a hoof hurriedly, "'tis the Maidenwomb Spell! The Purity of Body Spell." She pouted and blinked. "... the Morning-After Spell, yes I diddeth, and shalleth again as many times as the moon shall rise and set, for I have need of enormous cock more oft than thou hath need of an excuse to purchase a wedding cake, and well, none shall be any the wiser now shall they, for they've not caught on for so many moon-set-rise-what-the-fuck-evers." She shrugged with primly closed eyes. "What good be a law that cannot be upheld, yes?"
"You..." Celestia put a hoof to her temple and felt faint, "You've cast this spell how many times? Surely not just the once."
Luna's cheeks puffed out as she doubled over in laughter.
"A dozen times?" Celestia tried.
Luna shook her head, stifling her giggles.
"A hundred." Celestia facewinged.
"More," Luna said, muffled as her snoot was back in her coffee cup.
"A thousand?" the Holy Cow demanded.
"'tis closer."
"I can't believe you, Luna," Celestia exhaled, feeling dizzy. "Do you fuck a new stallion every week?"
"Nay!" Luna huffed. "Time to time 'tis a mare! A cute one with huge soft udders like you! I wish you would let me put my head there as I used to."
"You'll need no spell for that," Celestia objected. "Wait, what --"
"Indeed I do not!" Luna interrupted, nodding again. "Except perhaps to breathe." She cleared her throat loudly. "A-HMM-Hrr! As-for-the-Morning-After-Spell... shall I teach it to you?" She tilted her head, still pouting seriously.
Celestia froze, her mouth still open to speak, blinking. "... Yes please," she relented, her head low with embarrassment.
Luna beamed. "Forsooth!! I shall need to teach thee also the Spell to Produce Flow!"