>BE ANON
>it is christmas eve
>More specifically, horse christmas eve, or as the heathens call it, "we hate freezing to death more than you"
>Shortened to hearthswarming  
>You, your forced waifus, the princesses and shining armor all chill at your house
>Against your will
>You wanted to spend the day drinking and mourning the loss of ....well, your whole previous life, but they werent gonna have that
>So here you are
>All smushed together on one couch, staring at the roaring fire and your hearthswarming shrub
>That's a whole different argument there...
>"So, Anon, is this like how it was back on Earth? Surrounded by those that love you, foliage uh....decorated, gifts ready to be unwrapped?" Cadence asks
"Mmmm....for the most part, sherbert princess..."
>"Well, what on equus is missing, darling?"
>You sigh
>How can you show them when it's already so late...
"Well, for one, we don't just grab a bush and drag it in the home...with its roots attached. Nor do we paint it....uh..."
>"Ultraviolet, dear."
"Yeah....i still don't know how I can actually see the damn thing. Not to mention, nobody has been forced to give gifts-"
>A light gasp goes through  the crowd
"-and nobody has had to earn their family's love-"
>"Now wait just a minute here, Anon! This is a celebration of family and friends, of the ties that bind u-"
"Cadence imma stop you right here, but your hypocrisy was the greatest comment of all time"

>"Wh-what do you mean?! I AM THE PRINCESS OF LOVE!"
"Well yeah, but you buy shiny's affect-"
>"I DO NOT!"
>You sigh
>I cannot teach her. She is too rash
"Shiny. What did your wife get you for a pre-hearthswarming gift?"
>Shining armor looks up from his hooves. "Oh, uh...well, it was this really nice hoof polish - see? Spearmint oil infused, an-"
"Yeah ok. And what did you give Cadence as thanks for that?"
>Shining blushes. "Th-that's-"
"Didja have a fish taco for dinner, shining?"
>"Eww! Anon, I do NOT want to hear about my brother's sex life! What does this have to do with anything?!"
>You continue, uninterrupted
"And shining,when was the last time you [spoiler]loved[/spoiler] your wife like that?"
>They Both  blush. "Well, the honeymoo-"
>"DEAR!"
"Let him continue."
>"-...uh, and when you got me those new royal clothes. Then there was when I got that new chariot, And...um..."
>The room falls silent
"...earned his love. And that struggle is what's missing from tonight! The fighting over the last ring, bodychecking the elderly to get the first video game, trampling children to be first for the savings!"
>As you speak, the ponies around you have expressions ranging from outright disgust to curiosity and even a bit of excitement
>"So what you are saying is..." Twilight begins
>"...that y'all appreciate gifts ya hafta fight fer..." AJ puts the pieces together...
>"...and the mare that brings back the best gift first..." Dash begins
>You are nodding this whole time
>They get it
>"...gets eaten out by you?" Daring finishes
"Exact-waitno!"
>Too late. As soon as you nodded and opened your mouth, everypony bolted
>Teleportations, a couple rainbooms, pinkie....just phasing out of reality
>Cadence even gets into it, yelling something about her horsebando and OTP
>Soon the house is disheveled and mostly empty
>Now it's just you, weak alcohol and
>"Well that was fun. Want to play charades?"
>Fuck.

>*ding*
>The elderly earth pony greeter sighs
>Must be something desperate to bring a pony to Barnyard Bargains so late on hearthswarming eve.
>Oh well! A warm smile and a strong greeting is the prop-oh celestia no
>You can't react quick enough to dodge the yellow hoof
>As you hit the ground you think you hear an apology
>Is....is that celestia...?
>Darkness takes you.
* * *
>BE DARING
>And this is how its gonna be, huh? The yellow bitch already scored an elderly point!
>The rest of your herd scrambles in from the cold
>You gotta nip this in the bud
"HEY!"
>Everypony freezes
"We gonna do this quick and clean. 30 minute time limit, no magic, no flying, no excess property damage - princesses?"
>You look at the four rulers
"Pardons for everypony, I assume."
>Celestia nods, pawing at the floor.
"Now Fluttershy got a jump on us with the greeter, so let's all even the field first before splitting."
>Everypony nods, then takes a turn hitting the greeter
>You go last, punching the mare in the side
>she's curled up in the fetal position, unconsious
>That'll teach you to supplement your income from social security to make a living wage!
>Woah girl, come back.
"Right, count of three, then scatter. One!"
>The girls take a battle stance
"Two!"
>Heads lower, nostrils flare.
"Three!"
>Everyone sprints - some jockey down aisles, others circle around the store to see its layout
>You book it directly to sports apparel
>And you arent alone
>"Sorry daring, but you're gonna be TOO SLOW!"
"In your dreams, fangirl! I'll let you know how Anon's tongue feels!"
>"That feel is mine!"

>You skid into the sporting section. Scanning the displays, you're looking for - ah, there! 
>Crystal-studded for grip, enchanted for distance
>Signed by the superbowl broncos
>The limited edition "hoofer" brand hoofball
>Standing between you and your prize is...
>"Good evening. Ma'am! How can I assist you tonight?"
>The stockcolt.
>It's a good day to die, spartan.
>You run at him at a breakneck speed, and he starts to shake. "Lady, please, I got a herd! Don'-"
>You leap onto his face, for you needed his height
>Your wings outstretch, for you had far to go
>Your hooves reach out and grip the autographed display not-supposed-to-be-sold hoofball
>The glass shatters, spraying the colt below you
>Whoops
>With a tuck and roll you clear the display, hoofball in tow.
>Now you just gotta make it back through the store, dodge all the other mares, checkout and make it home first.
>Easymode.
>You book it like you stole it
>You start down the same route as you ca-
>The shelves begin to collapse!
>An ambush!
>"Dohohoho! Darling, relinquish the hoofball, and you won't be hurt. You can always get anon a ...coffee mug."
"THAT IS A NO-TASTE GIFT AND YOU KNOW IT!"
>Rarity sighs. "That was the joke, dear. Your redeeming quality must be your flank and not your brain..."
"BRAIN THIS!"
>Good comeback, brain
>Thanks! I brain good this dark
>You throw the hoofball at rarity as hard as you can
>A perfect fucking spiral
>Somewhere, far away, your mother suddenly is filled with pride
>It impacts her face with a satisfying *squeak*, and the marshmellow tumbles down infront of you
>K.O.
>You pick up your prize and look at her sadly
"My advice for you? Go home and be a family mare."

>You make haste past the fallen herdsmate
>She'll  get over it
>You round the corner and ZOUNDS
>Only 3 lanes are open! They all are serving ponies, But two are already taken by your rivals! 
>Celestia smiles at you, waving in her grip a bottle of brandywine. Pinkie pie is in the other lane with a...
"Is that an inflatable snowmare machine?
>"Its a gift for us all, Daring." Pinkie flatly replies
>The third....
>"Oh, sorry dearie. My grandfoals just love my fruitcake so much, I had to get more ingredients!"
>The dreaded elderly.
>Uuuggghhhhhh what doooo-
>"Princess!" 
>Twilight takes the lane with Celestia in it. 
>Of course she does
>They start talking like old friends
>Ok ok ok Ponka or elderly, ponka or- 
>With a whoosh, dash swoops in infront of you
>She's got...
"Is that a lamp?"
>Dash shrugs. "Goof enouf."
>The choice has been made for you. 
>You get behind the elderly stallion.
>"...and this whole area used to be apple fields, as faaar as the eye could see."
>Fuck.
>"That comes to 23 bits, sir." 
>"Oh! Oh, sure, just let me...."
>He starts to rummage around in his bag
>Come on come oooonnn
>You start to do a little anxious dance
>*bip* 
>You turn to look and see that Celestia is one pony away from checkout
>COME OOONNNN
>"Oh! Here we go, I hope you don't mind me paying in single bit coins..."
>FUCK
>"...thank you, my little Pony."
>"No problem, your highness! Now then, will that be paper or cloth?"

>Your impatient dance continues
>The stallion infront of you counts out his change
>His. Exact. Change.
>"Twenty... Twenty One... Tw-oh wait, no, that's a butterscotch. Hehe, imagine that! Paying with a butterscotch!"
>The cashier stares at him with dead, soulless eyes and a plastered on smile
>"Now then. Let's see. Oh, you can keep the butterscotch if you'd like, dear. Now, Twenty One..."
>You look over into the other lane
>"ANF OO" Pinkie says, dragging the inflatable snowmare by the neck out the door
>She's joined by a smiling Celestia, trotting briskly beside her
>They both stop to kick the greeter one more time, then leave
>YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY FALLING BEHIND
"FUCK THIS"
>"Dear! There is no nee-"
>You drop a 100 bit coin on the counter
"KEEP THE CHANGE."
>"Ma'am! Thank yo- wait is that the display ball?"
"Yeahokgottagofast"
>You run out the door, making sure to run over the greeter
>gotta do all the things on Anon's list, yanno
>And to be honest, you are getting quite a thrill out of it
>No wonder his whole species went apeshit ov-
>Apeshit. Woah, was that a racist term?
>You ponder the interspecies implications of colloquial idioms as you dash through the snow
>Wow brain, 5 dollar words there! what's the occasion?
>GONNA GET EATEN OUT BY ANON
>Right! eeeee
>You see you've caught up to Celestia and Pinkie, and it really only seems tha-
>"I AM THE NIGHT"
>The three of you turn back to see Luna just... run through the shop wall
>Well that's the most direct thi-
>SHE IS GAINING ON YOU, DARING
>GAH!
>You break out into a full sprint, and the other girls soon follow
>Thanks brain, you always got my ba-
>TREE
>You slide out of the way just in time, but a loud *thud* and the splaying of two white wings show you that Celestia wasn't so lucky
>So now it's just you, Luna and
>"Anf Me! Finfy Fie!"
"How do you do that?"
>"Fie reed greenhesht."
>You shrug, and the two of you pickup the paces again
>Oooh it's neck and neck!

>You're about 300 yards from his front door
>The warm glow of his windows beckons you to finish!
>You and Pinkie just run, the sound of your labored breathing and the crunch of the snow breaking the silence of the otherwise still night
>In the distance, you hear a high-pitched, raspy scream
>What does that ev-
>Suddenly the two of you are passed by a rainbow-colored blur
"NO - *pant* - WINGS"
>"FEETER!" Pinkie grumbles, her snowmare flopping madly beside her
>Dash laughs. "All's fair in love and war!"
>You growl and give it everything you've got... but you know you've lost
>Dash lands and kicks the door as hard as she can, grinning triumphantly
>That grin vanishes a moment later as all the snow from the roof slides down, covering her completely
>YOUR CHANCE
>Anon opens the door, peering out into the night
>"Who the h-oh FUCK NO!"
>Too bad colt
>You dive over the pile of failure and tackle him, Hoofball tucked neatly under your arm
>Game over! Broncos Win! Errypony's getting laid tonight!
>"Oofh...huugh..."
>Anon moans under you
>Aww yeah he does - and he will again later toni-
>"What on Equus was THAT all about?!"
>Oh right, the other colt.
>"That, Shining Armor, was the sound of VICTORY!"
>"That was the sound of injury, more like it. Let me go get the first aid kit..."
>You look down at Anon who... isn't looking too good, now that you see him
>I guess tackling someone as hard as you can must hurt them
>GOOD JOB BRAIN. Fuck, you can use long wordisms but physics fails you?
>Sooorryy
>You turn as Pinkie makes it to the house, Dash excavating herself from the snowbank
>Both look crestfallen
>You give them your winningest, shit-eatingest grin
>Anon coughs and sits up
"Fucking... seriously? What the hell?!"
>Aww, poor baby. Must've forgotten why we did all this
>"Anon, here's your gift! The most rarest hoofball of them all!"
>You show him his gift, and he....he's not reaching for it
>Why?
>You look at it

>It's a premium, one-of-a-kind hoofball!
>Leather studded with diamonds...
>The signature ink has, uh. Smudged is being generous, let's just say it's coated the ball after being out in the elements and rubbing against your coat
>(And rarity's face)
>It's deflated slightly. Must be the small shards of glass sticking out of it
>No biggie. You can just tape that up
>Tape the whole... ugh
>You hang your head.
"This was a shitty gift."
>"Mine isn't!" Pinkie chirps, and drags in an inflatable snowmare
>"Watch!" She fiddles with the magical generator and it blows to life!
>Or it would be alive, if she didn't basically rip it's throat out
>She gasps
>"Oh! It DANCES TOO! This is the BEST GIFT EV-"
>"It's broken, Pinkie!" Dash says, pointing her snapped-in-half lamp accusingly at the mare. The snow must've crushed it when it fell...
>"TIS TRUE. WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS TONIGHT."
>Everyone turns to Luna, who is proudly holding up
>"Is that a cornucopia?" Asks Shining, returning from who-knows-where with a first aid kit in tow
>"INDEED. THEREFORE, WE ARE THE VI-"
>"Inside voice, Luna."
>"SORRY. Sorry. Therefore we are the victors!"
"Lemme see the receipt."
>Luna pauses. "We-we do not need to prove anythi-"
"Lemme. See."
>Luna darts her eyes about. "We... we are sovereign over this land! We do not need to pay!"
>"HA! That's a DQ!" Dash crows, turning to Anon. "We're all still tied! What happens incase of a tie - do we all get to ge-"
>"I'm going to stop you right there." Anon says, inhaling sharply as Shining applies an ice pack to his back. "You all fucking bailed on me before I could explain. Nobody gets anything, even if they do win."
>The silence currently being experienced in this house 
>Dis silence
>You're certain you can hear everypony else's thought
>And it's all along the lines of 
>"Why art thou fucking with Us, Anon?" Luna asks
>Yep
>Celestia stumbles in. "He can always lick the wine off of me! That's a technical win!"
>Everyone just stares at her
>"...what?"

>So Shining tends to your stallion as he waits for everypony to arrive
>Fluttershy shows up
>She's another DQ - putting a bow around your flank and giving yourself as the present doesn't count.
>Neither does Applejack's new plow
>But you're pretty certain that "losing it" on the way over here is code for "chucked it on SAA property and it'll never be seen again"
>Rarity makes it in with no gift, a black eye, and the Bronco Quarterback's name imprinted on her forhead
>You never did like that freewheeling, cocky quarterback
>But hey. You could never argue with [spoiler]John Madden's[/spoiler] results
>Cadence comes back with a tasteful spice rack - and, by all rights, won the competition
>But she's got that whole "true love" thing going on, so she was never actually a contender
>Twilight makes up the rear
>Apparently she didn't pick up anything, but DID write a couple hundred pages on possible gift ideas to be thoroughly tested and implemented over the next 6 months
>"Ok, everyone accounted for?"
>Everyone nods
>"Good. So... first, thanks for trashing my place on the way out. I really appreciated that."
>You all look down at the floor. 
>Cunt move, Daring. Cunt move.
>"But Shining was a real bro and helped me clean things up..."
>The two of them brohoof, sharing a smile
>"And that's when I realized that the season truly is about spending time with the people who make up your Family. It doesn't matter if they're a different color or species, all that ma-"
>"No."
>Everyone turns to look at Fluttershy
>"No, Anon. No. Next year, we're going to do this again, and we're going to do this right."
>"Fluttershy, I am not eating out anypony who brings me a gift. That wasn't even part of th-"
>"Then FUCK that part! Anon, I knocked out an old mare tonight. She smiled at me and I punched her right the fuck out."
>You don't know.... if you're more impressed at this mare, or aroused
>Wow what does that say about you

>"I got into a food fight with Applejack - we actually lit the bakery on fire."
>Pinkie pie chimes in. "Luna and I had a hostage standoff near the toy section..."
>"Indeed. A wonderful use of foals as a living shield, We must admit." Luna bows her head slightly
"I uh. I guess I kinda kicked a stallion's head into the ground and then sprayed his body with glass...? I guess?"
>Everypony looks at you
>Celestia's nodding, impressed. 
>"Well that escalated quickly." Cadence remarks
>notbad.png
>"Honestly, Anon, that got mah blood racin'! I haven't had this much fun durin' Hearthswarmin' in years!"
>Everyone murmurs their agreement
>Anon holds his head in his hands. "No no no! Oh my God, people, are you serious?! How much damage did you even do?!"
>Twilight laughs. "Oh Anon, the state will pay for the property damage. I, for one, look forward to next year! This is going to be a great Hearthswarming tradition!"
>"Yeah!" Dash exclaims, doing a little loop in the air. "This is gonna be awesome!"
>"But what about the ponies! How many of them did you hurt? I shop there, yanno!"
>"Oh Anon." Celestia says, stepping over to him and wrapping a gentle wing around his back
>He looks up to her with confusion on his face
>"You should know by now, hourly retail employees are already dead on the inside. We've done no harm!"
>"Huzzah!" You all cheer
>Cider is passed out
>"To Friendship and New Traditions!" Twilight yells
>"To Friendship and New Traditions!" You all respond
>"Ya'll are crazy as fuck!" Anon adds after the toast, and everyone laughs
>"No, I'm serious. I've got borderline stockholm syndrome up in here..."
"Oh Anon~"
>"I'm afraid to ask. Yes?"
[spoiler]"Merry Christmas."[/spoiler]
>He pauses for a moment
>Then smiles.
>[spoiler]"Y-you too."[/spoiler]

THE END.