>Be
*sigh*
>Daring
>It's been a week since you attempted a little "sleepover" with Anon
>Yeah there were some other pones there too but that shouldn't have mattered
>he should have come back and FUCKED you awake!
>But no. He went after your cousin
>I mean, sure, the butt runs in the family, so I could see how he'd like it, but still
>IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY ASS
>YES, Ovaries, I know!
>Anyway. It happened on a weekend, and of -course- Derpy had work that morning
>So she went all around town with that hitch in her step
>Her scent and his intertwined
>And her eyes straight for about half the day
>not a big deal if she WASN'T A FREAKIN MAILMARE
>So half the town knew somethin was up on day one
>you look down from your cloud as Anon walks into town
>He's getting cat-called again
>Why does he look so bewildered?! HE did this to HIMSELF.
>Derpy's shenanigans plus that fucking marshmellow gossip
>As soon as we got the whole story from Derps, Rarity passed out
>Woke up a few seconds later, immediately ran to the spa with Fluttershy
>Speaking of, you've not really... seen much of the "herd", as it were, after Monday morning.
>Twilight just stayed in her castle
>Rarity and Applejack were always busy with work
>Fluttershy was never to be found
>Pinkie Pie didn't let it get to her, but... you don't really believe that, you don't think
>IT was just you and
>*sigh*
>You and Dash.
>Layin on clouds
>Wonderin how it came to this.

"Looks like Anon's trying to get them to stop."
>"Hmph."
>You roll over and look at Dash. 
>Honestly, when you first met her, she was annoying as hell. You were also getting mugged, and she did not help you.
>whatabitch.mov
>But after hanging out with, drinking, and sorta... finding some "common ground" with her
>She's not so bad
>She's hurting, though. You can tell.
>You hear Anon's voice carried up from the wind. You can't make anything out, but that doesn't matter
>He's annoyed, the mare thinks this is a game
"It really is all a game."
>"Hmm?" Magenta eyes meet your own. 
"Eh. Just this whole... Getting-Anon thing. I think we've just been outclassed at the last minute."
>Dash punches some cloud into mist as she listens
"That doesn't mean that we can't... ugh. I guess either try again, or be friends?"
>She growls. "No! He was supposed to be MINE!"
>You both have a couple moments of silence before you two sigh again in unison.
"I know, girl, I know. Have you talked to him yet?"
>"No. I don't need to -talk- to him" she says, an edge of venom creeping in
>"After such a detailed explanation on what it's like to fuck a human, Why do I even need to SEE him again. Stupid fucking colt."
>Ok, ok ok. This isn't gettin anypony anywhere.
"I think we should. I mean... look, there could still be some room in his new herd, right?"
>Dash scowls
"Look, alright?! I'm trying to make the best out of a fucking bad situation, ok!? We're in the same chariot, cut me some fucking slack!"
>Your outburst surprises Dash, and her ears flat against her head
>Another round of uncomfortable silence falls between you two
>Looking down again, you see th-
>Fuck, you see Derpy.
>Well, you might as well kick two clouds with one buck
>Go down and congratulate them both, look good infront of the colt - maybe Derps will let you and Dash in?
>You explain your idea to Dash, and she doesn't look too happy, but... she agrees
>You both lazily glide down to the earth
>No Daring pose(tm) today
>Just... disappointment.

>"-n don't come back! He doesn't need any of that!" Derpy finishes yelling in the general direction of a group of mares
>Well, a group of mares and a lamp post
>You and Dash land together, half wondering if you should've just faceplanted so you can be knocked out
>You look at Anon and
>He's... happy to see you. Wow, what a smile.
>You can't help but smile back, but... it doesn't curve around your muzzle.
"Hey Anon."
>"Hey 'Non."
>"Well Hey you two! I've been looking everywhere for ya!" Anon laughs a bit, his one hand gripping a basket and the other resting on his hip
>Is he trying to pose? Fucking...stallions will be stallions
>"I haven't seen you two in Forever! And Pinkie won't take my orders at Sugarcube Corner, and I've not seen Twilight - even when I want to checkout a new book. I've only been talking to Ap-"
>"Haha, hey there you two!" Derpy interjects, stepping between you and ...her stallion. "Whatcha here for?"
>might as well get this over with
"So, you remember Sunday night, right?"
>Derpy opens her mouth, but Anon cuts in. "Oh yeah! That was the most fun I've had in a real long time! We need to do it again, right bubble butt?"
>Derpy smiles and nods hesitantly
>TWISTING THE KNIFE
>THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL
>You force a smile, Dash a carbon copy of you
>"Actually, I was heading into market - mind if we walk and talk?" he says, starting to walk forward regardless
>"S-sure, no problem big guy." Dash, you're tryin. Celestia bless you.
>"So anyway. I need to ask you guys to stop trying to match me drink-for-drink. You girls were pretty wasted before the night was through..."
"Well we're not all some mutant alien alcohol creature."
>He laughs. You love that laugh...
>"You have to forgive me, from where I'm from the drinks are much harder than what you serve."
>Fuck, really? Well that explains a lot.
>"Anyway, where have you been? I've not seen you girls in what feels like forever. Only Derpy's been checking up on me."


>"Well, that makes sense, right? Hah." Dash says, a sad laugh at the end.
>Looks like we're in the middle of the market, don't do this now...
>"What are you talking about? I thought we wer-"
>"Friends?!" Dash blows up, hovering infront of Anon
>No girl keep it down low don't insult his choice of mares!
>"Uhh... yeah?"
>"Well I guess that's ALL we're ever going to be! You could've told us, yanno! I mean, is it because I'm too thin? Too fit?! Do you want me to get her bubble butt, Anon?!"
>"Dash that's enough!" Derpy yells, waving her arms at RD. "Leave him alo-"
>"No, I should be happy for you two, right?! JUST SO FUCKING HAPPY THAT MY ONLY CHANCE AT-"
>Anon reaches up and clamps his hand over Dash's muzzle
>Woah he's strong. Well yeah, you knew that, but... she's trying to wiggle out of it and there's no way he's moving.
>"Can you breathe, Dash?" Anon asks
>"Mmfmm." she replies
>"Good. Daring, you seem a bit less crazy today. Do you mind telling me what the everliving fuck is going on here?"
>You sigh. Take the lead, Daring! Adventurers lead the way!
"Dash and I are... a bit sad that you chose my cousin over us for your first love, but we're happy for you. We'd like to ... just let you know that we do care for you - for you both!-"
>You hastily add, looking at an ever-more-awkward Derpy
>Seriously, she's looking between you and him and dash so rapidly, she's gonna get sick
"-and just... well, if and when you do decide to herd, we'd like to give it a shot. Throw our saddle in the ring."
>You look at Anon and he's just staring at you
>hard
>...fuck he must hate you
"I-I'm sorry, we can g-"
>"So, I guess I stuttered. What in the everliving. fuck. is going on?"
>Uh.


"Uh. You and Derpy rutted Sunday night. For like, 2 whole minutes. She even said you flared out your ridges when you-"
>"Ok, let me stop you here. First, if I fucked a horse I would remember that. Second, two minutes is an insult - you think I have the stamina of a cancer patient? Third, what the hell gave you this idea?!"
>Time. Fucking. Stops.
>He looks down at Derpy with a look
>You...know that look. It's the look of a predator sizing up his next meal
>Derpy's wings expand a bit
>What a whorse
>"Derpy. Sunday night we put everypony to bed, you said you were cold so I gave you my jacket, and then we made a late night snack before I left for home."
>He leans in real close
>"Did you tell them anything different?"
>Derpy's mouth is opening and closing, making little squeaking noises
>"Know what? Fuck it. I don't even care right now. I've finally killed a deer, and I'm going to make me some fucking steaks tonight."
>Anon releases Dash who just BOOKS IT towards the Apple Farm
>"Derpy, I ain't even mad. I just do not care right now. There's not going to be any bacon until January, and I'm just not going to wait that long for meat. You girls work this shit out."
>And he walks further into market
>But you don't care
>You're just staring at your cousin
>She's staring back at you - then at Anon's butt as he walks away - then you
>She used your own trick against you
>SHE USED YOUR OWN TRICK AGAINST YOU THAT WHORSE
"I AM GOING TO WRECK YOU, MUFFIN-BRAIN!"
>She lets out a yelp, but hops up on her hooves, shaking
>"N-no! I-I have a herd now, and we're gonna get a stallion! I-I'm not afraid of you!"
"YOU BETTER BE. I CRUSH JAGUARS BETWEEN THESE HOOVES"
>You stop at the ground for effect, growling
>She paws at the ground in response, lowering her head
>Looks like you're drawing a crowd
>You ignore the peanut gallery commentary, staring down your blood relative
>It's always the ones closest to you that betr-
>"You leave mademoiselle alone!"

>You look around as some ponies come out of the crowd
>Two earth ponies step out - twins, it seems - and join Derpy
>"Oui!" the ugly one says. "Zis is not zee time for fighting! Apologize!"
"Ap-APOLOGIZE?! TO THIS EMPTY-BRAINED WHORSE?!"
>Two pegasai - twins, from the look of it - glide down to join the group.
>What the fuck is up with this herd and twins?!
>"Hey! You leave the Derpster alone!"
>"Yeah!" the other one agrees.
>"What's going on here?"
>Two unicorns show up - one minty green, the ohter white with some fucking ugly specs on
>"Hey mares, let's just chill. I've got some vodka and tunes up in my-"
"Your glasses are fucking ugly."
>"-gonna stomp this bitch right here right now."
>You honestly don't care - You'll take on all 7. You don't even give a fuck
>You feel a hoof on your side and turn
>Looks like you have some support after all
>Rarity and Pinkie Pie stand beside you, and you can -hear- a southern accent yelling something from the distance
>sounds pissed
>Good
>Looks like Rainbow has been gathering the herd for a good ol' fashioned beat down
>"Madame Rarity, surely ve can-"
>"Your prices are too high, your oils are old and tired, your decor is 5 years behind my grandmother's time, your accents are fake and your manes are ugly."
>She rattled that off like a pro
>"Hmph!" The OTHER ugly mare says, pawing the ground. "I guess zere is only one-"
>"THAT IS ENOUGH"
>Whoshit royal canterlot voice
>Twilight Sparkle lands inbetween the two forming groups
>"Everypony, I thought better of you!"

>Without warning Twilight starts to lecture you all
>Some mares in the crowd roll their eyes, some seem to be paying attention
>You look around Twilight's flank to Derpy
>She crosses her eyes at you - making them straight - and then sticks her tongue out at you
>YOU BITCH WHEN DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT
>You make some rude gestures with your hoof and start mouthing out curses
>Twilight finishes her speech. "-and so with the power of friendship we stopped Tirek and were able to save the planet from a magic-sucking-"
>"You suck" one of the mares says
>"Who said that?! I most certainly DO NOT!"
>"Flankflustered much? I thought Mary sues like yourself never got riled up~"
>Twilight growls "Ok girls, fuck being the princess of friendship. It's time for a royal beatdown!"
>"Yeah!" Your still-outnumbered team cries out
>"..an' hog-tie 'em up an' practice buckin' on their skulls!" Applejack finishes, bursting into the crowd.
>"YOU!" She just points to an earth pony, who points to herself questioningly. "AH NEVER DID LIKE YER FANCY SPA."
>"Und I never enjoyed verking on a mud-pony such as yourself!"
>"WHAT" You hear - and everypony looks around
>That didn't come from you, that didn't come from-
>You hear a loud Bang. Then Another.
>A rainbow streak is making it's way to you, but that's not what is impressive
>There's a Pink-and-yellow streak it's following
>And that streak looks [spoiler]pissed[/spoiler]
>Both pegasai land hard on the ground, forming two small craters
>"YOU LIED TO ME?!" Fluttershy yells, doing an awesome impression of the royal canterlot voice
>It's always the quiet ones you gotta be worried about
>Adventurers lead the way!
"Girls! I get Derpy, Everyone break off according to race to make it even, and we'll knock these bitches into the ground."
>Both sides look at each other and nod, facing off
>Pinkie and AJ versus Aloe and Vera
>Fluttershy and RD versus Flitter and Cloudchaser
>Rarity versus Vinyl
>Twilight versus Lyra
>And you versus Derpy

>A red stallion stands ontop of his apple cart
>"HEAVEN OR HELL, DUEL ONE, LET'S ROCK" He bellows
>Whatever
>You charge at Derpy, and she does the same
>You both feint at the same time, spinning almost around each other
>Another lunge, another dodge
>This mare knows how to dance
>You both kick up dust as you back off, eyeing each other for weaknesses
>No pegasus is taking this to the sky - no need to turn a brawl into a homicide
>She dashes forward! FUCK!
>You hop to the side just as she was about to push you back and you see an opening
>You lunge forward and she scrabbles out of the way just in time
>Both of you are panting hard
>Exertion and adrenaline make for one hell of a cocktail
>You hear some of the crowd yelling
>Mares are egging everypony on, giving advice
>A couple yelling for somepony to call the Ponice
>Maaan FUCK the Ponice
>Some stallions are swooning. I guess two herds fighting over a male is ... pretty much a dream come true?
>Doesn't feel like it right now
>Another lunge and you flare out your wings, giving you enough drag so you can turn on a bit
>Which you do and continue to press your attack
>You can hear the exertion over on the earth pony side - no idea what's going on, but it doesn't matter
>only this whorse right here, right now
>This fight must look almost like a riot
>Idly, in that weird almost out-of-body way, you wonder what Anon is thinking
>He was in the market, he has to be seeing this
>No way to really know.
>Well, colt. This one's for you.
...
..
.
..
...
[spoiler]>BE ANON.[/spoiler]

>Be Anon
>For once, amirite?
>And you're not really sure what you're looking at
>All the little knee-high marshmellow horses are cheering what seems to be a very elaborate dance
>Let your eyes guide you, my son
>thanks, uh. Brain.
>So let's take stock as to what's going on here
>The earth ponies are squaring off against each other, and are just... really close to each other
>Both teams have scrunched up their faces really tightly and are wiggling a bit, but that's it
>a scrunchbattle? Ok then
>The Unicorns are no better. They pretty much have put bubbles and sparkles around themselves and have the biggest pouty doe-eyes you've ev-
"HNNNNGGG"
>You grip your chest and look away. Whooo. That's kinda deadly if you're not paying attention
>Ok, so they're having a kawaii-fight
>Fucking casuals, the lot of them
>The real story is the pegasai
>They're doing some odd dance....no, it's a dance thing
>Chests are poofed out as far as they can go
>Wings straight out to their sides
>And they're just hopping around each other
>You think you can make out a faint "tweet too, tweet twoo"
>This fucking crazy horse land
>You just want to get some milk to soak your meat in
>heh. soak your meat.
>But seriously, deer is way too gamey to eat straight.
>You almost turn away but you catch Twilight and stop
>This is fascinating - she's doing everything the earth ponies are, as well as the unicorns and pegasai
>I guess... cause alicorns are all types of pones? Whatever.
>Scrunch-Kawaii-Bird battle mode
>To be fair her partner is holding her ground
>You actually start to appreciate the intricate forms of danci-
>No brain, Imma stop you right here
>You turn around and start haggling for your supplies, but everyone's abandoned their carts
>You go around paying what you think is fair for what you need
>These pones drive you to drink

>You hear a sound in the distance
>GOOD JOB BRAIN
>Fuck you Anon it sounds like sirens
>You stop to listen. 
>No, not sirens, more like someone making a "weeoooweeooo" sound with their mouth
>Sure enough what rounds the corner but a few ponies in tiny blue saddles with flickering lights on them
>Fuck that's adorable
>You pocket another bottle of wine from the stall
>You can tell you're going to-
>"Citizen!"
"Gah, what?!"
>You turn around and look at the group of uh...
>their saddles say "Ponice" on them
>Please God kill me now
"Can I help you?"
>A mare steps forward, clearing her throat. "By your actions you have incited a riot in town square, and are hereby put under arrest. I need you to-"
"Hey now wait a fucking minute. I just came here to get some groceries, you have no right to-"
>"He's resisting arrest!" One of them yells, and ehe boops you right on your coinpurse with a baton
>Whelp that knocked the wind out of your sails
>You crumple as a wave of apology washes over you
>"Oh no I'm sorry sir I didn't mean - oh Buck that's not - Sarge you had to see that I didn't-"
>The first pone silences her teammate.
>"Soft Search, just... stop. Hard Time, please search the colt."
>"With pleasure, ma'am!" a stallion replies. He gets next to you just as you stand up.
>"Uh... can you.." he rears up, but doesn't even really make it above your chest. He wiggles his arms at you. "...maybe just lie down?"
>Silently you place a bit on the stand and grab another bottle of wine.
...
..
.
..
...
>BE DARING
>FUCK THE PONICE
>MORE SPECIFICALLY, "FUCK, THE PONICE ARE HERE"
>"EVERYONE SCATTER" Twilight yells, and you book it
>As you're running you see Anon
>Oh no! He's being taken in by the Ponice! Fuck!