>Be Anon.
>Be on your way to maximum security prison.
>At first you figured that maximum security would be a prison surrounded with chest high walls and snipers armed with water balloons.
>Nope. It's on the fucking Moon.
>As you are being lead to Princess Moonbutt's chambers, you take a moment to reflect upon what brought you to this point.
>You had been sentenced to one month imprisonment for having a heated, yet civil...
>Oh who are you kidding, you cussed her the fuck out.
>It's her fault for trying to pry into your mind.
>Celestia should have known that that was going too far.
>And anyway, it's for her own good after all. 
>You've seen how these ponies react to even the slightest tales of negativity from your world.
>If she had gotten in and seen the things that you have seen, she would have been broken.
>You would not even trust the god of the sun to see what you have went through and come out without mental scarring.
>And anyway, you've heard the "horror stories" about the Equestrian penal system.
>It might be a nice change of pace away from the boring life at that castle.


>Be Luna.
>Be lying on your bed, still in shock about the nasty things that Anon said to your sister.
>As well as in shock about the harsh sentence he received.
>Other than today he was always very kind. 
>There must be something seriously wrong for him to snap like that.
>And seeing as he was going to be incarcerated in your prison, you WERE going to get to the bottom of it.
>You do love a good mystery after all.
>Suddenly, you hear a knock at the door.
>"Your Highness, I come with the prisoner, Anonymous Incognito. We are ready for transport to the prison."
"YOU MAY ENTER"
>The guard walks in with Anon in tow.
>He gives you a sheepish look as you turn your gaze towards him.
"ART THOU READY TO FACE THINE PUNISHMENT VILLAIN?"
>Anon gives you a slightly sad look.
>"Oh come on Luna. A few bad words don’t necessarily make me a villain does it?"
>He has a point.
"WE SUPPOSE NOT, BUT THOU MUST STILL BE PUNISHED FOR THINE TRANSGRESSION."
>He gives you a small smile.
>"Fair enough I suppose."
>Wut?
"TH-THOU ART NOT GOING TO BEG FOR MERCY? THOU ART NOT GOING TO BEG US TO ASK OUR SISTER TO RECONSIDER YOUR SENTENCE?"
>"Nah. It might be fun. I'll at least get to meet some new people, right?"
>You give him a confused look.
"GUARDSMAN. PLEASE LEAVE US FOR A MOMENT. WE WISH TO CONVERSE WITH THE HUMAN ALONE."
>The guard bows before you.
>"As you wish your majesty."
>As the guard leaves the room, you turn to address Anon.
>In order to keep the conversation more private, you decide to use your non-royal voice.
"Anon, We are curious. Why didst thou speak to our sister in such a way, after all the kindness that we have bestowed upon you?"
>He gives you another slightly sad look.
>"I don't like people prying into my mind. Especially when they try to force their way in. Princess Celestia stepped over the line when she tried it."
"That's still no excuse for how thou hast treated her."
>"I suppose that I did take it too far. I'm not quite ready to apologize though. Or forgive her for that matter."
>You feel very saddened by this reveal.
"B-but thou will someday, r-right?"
>Anonymous sighs and gives you a weak smile.
>"I will. I just need a little time to cool off. And what better place to do that than the moon?"
"We suppose thou art right. GUARDSMAN. THOU MAY ENTER ONCE MORE."
>As the guard returns and takes his place beside Anonymous, you prepare the spell.
"GOODBYE ANONYMOUS THE HUMAN. WE SHALL SEE YOU IN ONE MONTHS TIME."
>"Bye Luna. Take care now."
>You zap Anon and his guard off to LunaMax where the warden will be waiting for him.
"That human is a mystery inside of a puzzle wrapped up in an enigma."


>Be Anon.
>Be in a rather large, rather extravagant atrium, painted dark blue, with black carpeting, and adorned with pictures of Princess Moonbutt.
>Humility never did seem to be Luna's strong suit.
>You notice one other minor detail.
>You appear to have been conjured about 2 stories above the floor of the atrium and are now slowly falling to the ground.
>All the flailing you do has no effect as you land face first on the tile below.
"Well so much for making a grand entrance."
>Low gravity is going to take some getting used to.
>The guard gives you a look of concern.
>"Are you alright inmate?"
"Yeah I'm fine. It was a gentle landing after all."
>He smirks and gives you a chuckle.
>"Don't feel too bad. That's everypony's first time."
>As soon as you get back on your feet and finally stabilize yourself, you hear a voice call out from above you.
>"Hello down there."
>Standing on the balcony above you is a unicorn with light blond fur and a bright pink mane.
>The guard looks up at her and gives her a quick salute.
>"Good afternoon warden. I'll leave the inmate in your capable hands. I must be returning to my duties in the palace."
>The warden smiles at him.
>"Alright. Thank you for your help. Tell Luna that I said hi."
>With another quick salute the guard jumps up and through the portal in the center of the room.
>The mare jumps down from the balcony and lands gracefully in front of you. 
>"Hi there. My name is Happy Thoughts. I'm the warden here at LunaMax, but you can just call me Happy if you like. Pleased to meet you."
>She is surprisingly chipper for a prison warden.
"It's good to meet you too. I'm Anonymous, but everyone just calls me Anon. So... What now?"
>She beams at you.
>"I'm glad you asked. First we will be going to your room so that you can get changed into your uniform. You're an orange level inmate. That's the color for regular prisoners. The other colors are red for dangerous inmates and black for supervillains. You'll want to steer clear of them. After that I'll take you on a tour of the prison."
>Wow. Say a few bad words to the wrong person and you wind up locked up in the same place as Luthor and The Joker.
>And room? That must just be what they call the cells here in order to keep morale up.
>"Right this way. Your room is on the third floor."
>As she says that, she gives a quick jump and floats gracefully up to the third floor balcony.
>"Well? What are you waiting for? Jump on up."
"Right. Coming."
>You muster all of your might and jump, rapidly ascending to the third floor.
>And past it.
>And past the fifth and final floor.
>*BAM*
>You hit your head on the ceiling with the force of a retarded chimpanzee kicking a zookeeper.
>Ok maybe not that bad, but it still hurt like hell.
>As you float back down, you grab hold of the railing to the third floor balcony.
>The warden looks like she's about to hyperventilate.
>"OH MY GOODNESS! ARE YOU OK? YOU'RE NOT BLEEDING ARE YOU?"
>She shudders in fear at the thought.
>You chuckle a little.
"No, I'm not bleeding. It was just a little bump. I'm fine."
>She gives you a concerned look.
>"I don't know. We should still go see the doctor."
"Trust me. I've had worse. I believe you were showing me to my room?"
>Although a lollypop sounds nice about now, you really don't want to be poked and prodded at by an overzealous doctor right now.
>She just gives you a look of shock.
>"Y-yes. Right this way, Anon."


>Be Happy Thoughts.
>Be on your way to Anon's room.
>You're still in shock over the events that just transpired.
>He got a really bad ouchie on his head and didn't even shed a tear.
>The last stallion that did something like that was in tears for over two hours.
>"So what kind of crimes do ponies have to commit to wind up here?"
>The question brings you out of your stupor.
"Mostly stuff like theft, destruction of property, and mass disruption of the peace. However there are a few cases of unconsentual cuddling and even assault here. Those are grounds to make one an automatic black suit."
>You shudder at the thought.
>"Wow. I didn't think that anypony would be capable of hurting another pony."
"It's very rare, and most of the time it's an accident, but it happens and the appropriate punishment must be doled out."
>"Are there any high-profile inmates here?"
"There's only one right now. Although he has been mostly reformed, Discord still has the occasional slip-up. He is currently one week into a two month sentence for shaving Princess Cadence's mane and tail."
>You stop as you hear a soft thump to your right.
>Anon has fallen over and is now laughing while holding his sides.
"It's not funny inmate!"
>"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
>"I-im sorry."
>He wipes a tear away from his eye.
>"I thought something must have been up for me to not have seen her around for the past week."
"Well anyway... We're almost there. Let's keep moving."


>Be anon.
>Be expecting a cell with bars and a tiny bunk bed.
>You're standing in front of a door.
>And it even has a bronze plaque with your name on it.
>Happy turns to you and smiles.
>"Well here we are. I'll give you some time to change and acclimate to your new room. When you're ready we'll continue the tour. I hope that you'll be comfortable here."
"Uhh... Thank you. Who is my ce- roommate?"
>"Roommate? You don't have one. It's your room. Although I'm certain it can be arranged if you would like one."
"No. That’s fine. I just wasn't expecting to have a room all to myself in prison. In prisons where I come from, it's not uncommon to have up to 4 people in one room."
>She looks slightly horrified at the thought.
>"That sounds awful. How would you get any privacy like that?"
"You don't. However the issue of privacy in human prisons is something that is the least of our concerns."
>"Why would your privacy be of such little importance?"
>We're steering towards dangerous waters here. 
>If you made one of the cute little pastel horses cry, you would never be able to forgive yourself.
>Better cut this conversation short.
"It's just not a big deal to us. I'm just gonna go get changed and relax for a bit before we continue the tour."
>"Alrighty then. Lunch starts in about an hour and a half, so I'll come and get you then. Once again, welcome to LunaMax."
"Thank you Happy. See ya then."
>As you enter your room, the first thing you notice is a cool blast of air hit your face.
>You have your own heating and air conditioning.
>Awesome.
>You also seem to have your own queen-size bed, T.V., and mini-fridge.
>As well as your own bathroom.
>You go over to open the curtains and are met with a stunning sight.
>From the third floor you have a superb view of the moonscape, as well as a dead center view of the planet you left behind in the sky.
>You jump backwards and do a flip, landing upon the incredibly soft bed.
>It even comes with pegasus-down pillows.
"This isn't a prison. This is a paradise."
>You slowly drift off to sleep.


>Be Luna.
>Be waking up from your nap in a cold sweat with a horrified look on your face.
>By sheer luck, Anonymous had decided on a nap at the same time as you had.
>So you decided to pay him a visit in his dreams.
>How could one creature dream up something so horrible.
>So much violence and destruction.
>So much death and pain.
>Even for a nightmare, that was the most disturbed dream you had ever seen.
>But the shocking part was...
"...HE WAS ENJOYING THE DREAM!"
>You had sensed no fear or pain from him inside of the dream.
>To your horror, you sensed only feelings of joy and excitement.
>Anonymous had said that humans had no magic.
>Yet the humans in his dream were brutally killing each other with blasts of magic.
>There were also terrible flying machines in the sky, raining death and pain down upon the world.
>You shudder as you remember the worst of it.
>That giant machine designed in the form of a human.
>Carrying brutal weapons of great destruction.
>The most frightening thing, however, was how real the dream felt.
>As soon as you went in to try and stop it, you were met with the smells of burning flesh.
>With the screams of pain and terror.
>You wound up vomiting all over the ground before you managed to make it back out of the dream.
>How one imagination could come up with something so disturbing is beyond you.
>You get up from your bed and begin making your way towards the kitchen.
"We could truly use an exceptionally strong cider right about now."


>Be anon.
>Be woke up from your dream by a knock at the door.
>Damn.
>It was a good one too.
>You realized just how much you missed your games, as you think back to the dream where you battled gloriously alongside Liberty Prime.
>You also sadly realize that you will never play Fallout 4.
>Oh well.
>At least you can still have good dreams.
>Except for that odd-colored brahmin that was vomiting on the street off to your side.
>That was fucking weird.
>No use getting worked up over something that can not be changed.
>You get up and answer the door, to be once again greeted by the warden.
>"Hello Anon. Is the room to your liking?"
>She looks up at you expectantly.
"Hello Happy. And yeah, I love it. I just woke up from a nap. The bed is very comfortable."
>Happy emits a squeal of joy and does a quick little backflip.
>"I'm glad you enjoy it. We try to make inmate comfort a number one priority here."
"Clearly. This is almost as good as the apartment I had back home. The view is a signifigant upgrade, too."
>"Oooohh. You would love our night hikes then. You get a much better view of the stars from the dark side of the moon. It puts any view you could get in Equestria to shame."
"Moon hikes? AWESOME! I can't wait."
>You feel your stomach start to rumble.
"I'm getting pretty hungry. You said we were going to lunch, right Happy?"
>"Oh yeah. The cafeteria is right this way. Follow me."


>Be Discord.
>Be happily enjoying your chicken tendies in the cafeteria.
>This is the first time you've gotten meat since you first arrived here.
>You love Fluttershy, but damn her did she make it hard to get a good tendie.
>And it it wasn't for Princess Cuntdance, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
>Stupid pink horse.
>Alright.
>Maybe shaving her was going a little overboard, but you couldn't just NOT do something.
>She took your Staff of Debauchery and twisted its magic, making it into a Staff of Cuddles.
>Such a transgression should never go unpunished.
>All of a sudden everyone's attention turns to the door.
>You turn to see whats going on, and find yourself staring at a new inmate.
>What the hell is that thing?
>If you didn't know better you would think that it's another chaos god.
>He's almost as messed up looking as you.
>The upper body and arms of a minotaur, the head of a really weird looking monkey-thing, and Celestia knows what kind of legs those are.
>You had heard the rumors that the prison was getting a new inmate today, for the crime of verbally assaulting royalty.
>Hah. 
>It's about time someone gave those royal snobs the 'talking to' that they deserved.
>If the rumors were true, then you would have to keep an eye on this creature.


>Be Happy Thoughts
>Be about to enjoy lunch with one of the more interesting inmates that you've met in a while.
"We got here a little late, so they might be out of some of the prison favorites already, but I'm sure there's still something good here."
>"Alright, let's see what there is."
>All of a sudden his eyes go wide.
>"Is that what I think it is?"
>Oh dear.
>He's pointing at the steaks.
>You hope it doesn't spoil his appetite.
>Perhaps you should have warned him that the prison houses some carnivores.
>And that even though they eat these kinds of things, that he shouldn't let it get to...
>"I'll take two please."
>OH MY WORD HE'S GOING TO EAT THAT STUFF?
>HE'S A CARNIVORE?
>Anon looks over at you with a bit of worry on his face.
>"Are you all right Happy?"
"O-oh, yes. I'm fine Anon. I-I just didn't know that you were a carnivore, is all. It just took me by surprise for a moment."
>He chuckles and gives you a warm smile.
>"Technically I'm not a carnivore. Humans are omnivores. We eat both meat and plants."
>That's a relief at least.
>"Although there are some humans that outright refuse to eat meat. They're called hippies. And they're terrible."
"Uh-huh."
>As you both take your seats, you decide not to inquire about 'hippies' lest you be left with more confusion about the way Anon's world works.
>It can be a story for a different time.
>In the meanwhile Anon tears into his steak with ferocity.
>"Oh wow. This is really, REALLY good. I must remember to give my compliments to the cook later."
>You simply look on in awe.
>Even the carnivores here don't get so excited over the steaks. 
>They much prefer the lighter meats like chicken and pork.
>"So what kind of stuff is there to do around here?"
>You perk back up at the question.
"Oh there's plenty to do around here. There are many different clubs that you can join, like the book club or the tabletop gaming club. I'll take you around to a few during the tour. We also have a pool, a spa, a gym, and an arcade. All staffed with inmates. After all, just because they're prisoners, that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be able to use their special talent."
>"Interesting. It sounds like it would be very hard to get bored here. This is already better than life at the castle."
>Wait. WHAT?
"Y-you're saying that you would rather be in prison that living in Canterlot Castle?"
>"It sounds kinda weird when you say it like that, but yeah. There wasn't really a whole lot to do there. I mostly spent my time reading. But here there's so much to do, as well as the opportunity to make new friends."
>His explanation makes you giggle with glee.
"Well Anon. That's a very positive outlook on things. I think you're going to do just fine here. 
>"Thanks. So is there anything else that you can tell me?"
>Oh my you almost forgot.
"Yes. I forgot to mention that things like the arcade and services at the spa cost money. We give out a weekly allowance to the inmates, but if you would like more money there are many different jobs that you can take."
>"What kind of jobs?"
"Well we have a few janitorial jobs that need filling. If you can pass our water safety tests we do need another lifeguard. The one we currently have is being released in two days."
>He rests his head on his hands with a contemplative look.
>"What is the highest paying job that you need filled?"
>You think about it.
>The grill-master who cooked his steak was quitting after today.
>But he wouldn't want th...
>He seemed to really enjoy that meat.
>Maybe you've found a meat cook that will last more that a few days.
"There is a job opening up tomorrow. Most ponies are disturbed even by the smell of cooking meat. The current grillmaster is quitting after today. He lasted 4 days. One of the longest we've ever had."
>"Are you kidding? I love grilling. I used to do it every weekend with my friends. I'll take the job. How much does it pay?"
>Well that was easy.
"All jobs pay out 10 bits a day. However it includes 5 bits more a day from hazard pay."
>He gives you a slightly puzzled look.
>"Hazard pay? How is it hazardous?"
>What does he mean 'How is it hazardous?'
>Doesn't he know what the job entails?
"Well you can cut yourself on the knives that are required to cut the meat, or you could burn yourself on the grill. It's a very dangerous job. Some of the worst boo-boos this prison has ever seen have happened in that kitchen."
>Anon just looks at you and...
>Laughs?
>"Hahahaha. Those are just minor little injuries. They're no big deal."
>No big de... NO BIG DEAL?
>Just what kind of a monster are we dealing with here?
>Anon is perhaps one of the toughest creatures that you have ever had in your prison.
>You'll have to assign a guard to keep an eye on him after today.
>And you have just the mare in mind.
"A-alright. You start tomorrow morning at 6 a.m."
>"Sounds good to me."
>Anon finishes his pudding cup and picks up his tray.
>"Alright. Are we ready to get on with the tour?"
>You look up at the human and give him an excited smile.
"Ok. Let's go."


>Be Anon.
>Be awestruck at all of the luxuries that this prison provides.
>This isn't a prison.
>It's a five star resort.
>The pool was amazing.
>The gravity in the room was altered so that you could stand on the floor, ceiling, and walls. 
>All of which had pools on them with the exception of the wall with the door.
>You watched in amazement as a minotaur dove down, shot up out of the water, and dove back into the pool on the celing.
>The spa looked like something that one would find in the richest part of the country.
>The masseuses were cute and very, VERY skilled at their trade.
>They gym had many professional workout trainers that were rather enthusiastic to the idea of getting you on a workout routine.
>It also had separate workout zones that one could enter and adjust the gravity to their liking.
>You could even set it heavier that 1G.
>/fit/ would be proud of this gym.
>The arcade looked nice too.
>You've never seen any of the games there, although the learning curve would be part of the fun.
>You weren't really interested in any of the clubs though, with the exception of the tabletop gaming club.
>It might be worth a few keks to see how they react to Call of Cthulhu.
>After a short while, however, the tour comes to an end and you find yourself back in front of your room.
>"Well that about covers it. Did you enjoy the tour?"
"Yeah. This place is awesome. Thanks for taking the time to show me around. I would think that the warden wouldn't have the time for this. Too much paperwork."
>Her face goes pale with a look of abject horror.
>"OH BUCK THAT'S RIGHT! Sorry Anon. I have to go. I'm very, VERY behind now. Have a good rest of your day."
>With that the mare turns tail and flies down the hallway.
>Heh.
>You enter your room, flop down on the bed, and grab your remote.
"I wonder what they got on T.V. in here."
>My Little Ladybug: Aphids are Supernatural.
>Fuck yeah. Love this show.
>As you watch, you begin planning out how your next day is going to go.


>Be Cookies n' Cream.
>Be starting your shift at 5 a.m.
>While it sure stinks getting up this early, you have a reputation to maintain as the toughest guard in LunaMax.
>You aren't about to start complaining about something like this.
>You are on your way to the new inmate's room.
>Anonymous.
>Some of the things that the warden had told you about him were... disconcerting at the very least.
>Like the ferocious way that he consumed meat.
>Or how he gleefully volunteered to become the new grillmaster.
>It does not matter.
>No matter how tough this 'human' creature is, YOU ARE TOUGHER.
>After a short while you find yourself standing in front of his door.
>Alright, here we go.
>You knock at the door.


>Be Anon.
>Be woken up from another wonderful dream.
>You had been awakened just as you were throwing General Oliver from the Hoover Dam.
>You have also decided to start keeping a dream journal in an attempt to decipher the meaning of the vomiting brahmin.
>Poor thing.
>It seemed almost as though it was traumatized as it was covered by the entrails of the legionnaire that you blew up.
>Anyway, not much time to reflect right now.
"Come in. The door's unlocked."
>A guard enters your room.
>She is a milky white color, with a brown and white mane and tail.
>"Good morning inmate. My name is Cookies N' Cream. I've been assigned to guard you as you perform your duties in the kitchen."
>Daww.
>The adorable little pony is acting all tough and professional.
"Good morning. It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Anonymous, but you can just call me Anon. Everyone else does. Would it be alright if I have a cup of coffee before we head down to the kitchen?"
>"I suppose. But make it quick please. You still need to be prompted on proper safety."
>Not really lol.
>You've been grilling since you were 5 years old.
"I actually already know proper knife and fire safety. My father and I would grill almost every weekend. Ever since I was a child. I learned everything about it from him. And where are my manners. Would you like a cup of coffee?"
>She looks surprised for a moment but then snaps out of it.
>"I suppose I could use a cup."
"Alright. How do you take it."
>"Half cream and two spoonfuls of sugar please."
"Coming right up."
>You prepare her coffee and hand it to her and proceed to pour your own.
>Ahh. The rich bold smell of freshly brewed coffee first thing in the morning is a little slice of heaven to your nostrils.
>You take a sip.
>Nice and strong, just how you like it.
>You look over at Cookies and notice that she is giving you a wide eyed look of shock.
>Fuck me sideways.
>What did I do now?
"Is something the matter?"
>"Y-you didn't add anything to it."
>Really?
>That's all?
>You're starting to realize that you may be a man of titanium living in a world of soggy cardboard.
"Yes. I prefer my coffee black. The strong taste helps me to wake up. It was kind of nasty at first when I started drinking it like this, but I got used to it. It's an acquired taste."
>She seems to relax after your explanation, and looks up at you in slight amazement.
>"Wow. The bitterness of pure coffee would make most ponies retch in disgust."
"Like I said, it's an acquired taste. Shall we be off then? I can drink and walk at the same time."
>"Alright inmat... Anon. Let's go."
>You smile and hold the door open for her as she exits.
"Lead the way."


>Be Cookies.
>Be contemplating the weird monkey-thing behind you.
>Not only does he drink black coffee, he's been around knives and fire ever since he was a child.
>This inmate is on a whole other leve...
>NO!
>You are the toughest one in this prison.
>Not him.
>That's why it's your job to oversee the grillmaster.
>You've seen more blood and boo-boos than everypony else in this prison combined.
>"So any idea what I'm supposed to be cooking today?"
"That's completely up to you. We let the inmates make the menu here. The creative freedom helps them cope with prison life."
>"Awesome. I know just what I'm going to whip up then."
>You reach the door to the kitchen and hold it open for him.
"After you."
>"Thank you, Cookies. I'm sorry, may I call you Cookies?"
>Wow.
>Everypony here is usually so intimidated by you that they only call you ma'am.
"I-I suppose that would be alright."
>He smiles at you.
>"Alright. Cookies it is then."
>...
>"It's really empty in here. Where are all the other cooks?"
"Well, most can't stand the sight or smell of meat, so this kitchen is separate from the other, where the vegetarian meals are prepared."
>"Makes sense I suppose. The sights and smells don't bother you?"
>Hah.
>Now you can show him how tough you are.
"Not in the slightest. In fact, I enjoy my time here. It's a lot quieter and allows me time to think."
>Nailed it.
>It's a bluff.
>The sight and smell gets to you too.
>However you have the ability to hide it.
>"Alright, cool. Well I'm going to get started. About how many do I have to cook for?"
"We have about 20 carnivores and 2 omnivores here not including yourself. So make sure to cook enough for them plus a little extra in case they want seconds."
>You can't imagine many of them wanting seconds.
>They know that the meat came from another living creature as well.
>However it does occasionally happen.
>"I already know what I'm going to make for my first day. It's a staple of human breakfasts. BACON AND EGGS!"
>My goodness he's going to cook TWO different animals?
>As you wonder how they're going to respond to that, he fires up the grill and puts two large skillets on it.
>He goes to the fridge and retrieves three dozen eggs and a few pounds of bacon.
>You watch carefully as he begins to slice the bacon.
>Oh my goodness, he's going so fast.
>He really does know how to do this.
>He's perhaps one of the best that you've ever seen in this kitchen.
>He's even humming a little tune as he does his work.
>Within 5 minutes he has sliced up all of the bacon and begins cracking the eggs into a large bowl.
"Y-you seem to be enjoying yourself."
>Darn, you let your trepidation show.
>"Oh yes. This is bringing back good old memories of helping my mother in the kitchen. I've always loved cooking. Hey, are the carnivores here completely turned off to vegetables?"
"No. While they mostly prefer meat, sometimes they enjoy the taste of a salad, even though it doesn't have all of the nutrients that they require."
>"That's great. Now I can get creative."
>As he finishes cracking the eggs, he rushes over to the fridge and grabs an onion and a red bell pepper.
>He speaks to you again as he begins dicing the vegetables.
>"These two go great in scrambled eggs. As they cook with the eggs, the heat releases the flavor, making the eggs taste that much better. It also adds a little crunch to them. It's a good combo."
>Wow.
>He really knows his stuff.
>As soon as he finished dicing the vegetables, he scrapes them off of the cutting board and into the eggs and begins whipping them up.
>After that, he starts taking the strips of bacon and lays them into the pans.
>And he's started singing.
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRj3zAqMaRE
>It's one thing to be able to tolerate cooking meat.
>It's a whole other thing to actually enjoy it. 
>This human was on a whole different level.


>Be Anon.
>Be enjoying the best breakfast that you've had in months.
>From the sound of things, every other meat-eater in the cafeteria shares the same feeling.
>You've been getting pats on the back and 'well dones' all morning.
>You had always though of yourself as a mediocre cook at best, but you suppose that being in a world where most can't stand cooking meat would make you one of the more skilled chefs.
>With Cookies off doing guard things, you find yourself sitting alone, and quite bored.
>You decide to look around at some of the other prisoners.
>Some ponies, minotaurs, griffons, and a few changelings here and there.
>Two ponies stand out at the table next to yours though.
>One is white with a light blond mane and the other one is completely grey.
>They're arguing over something, but their odd accents make it too difficult to understand.
>Suddenly, you feel a tap on your shoulder.
>You turn around and see...
>Nothing.
>No one is there.
>You shrug your shoulders and turn back to your food, to find your nose inches away from discords face.
>"Hello there, human."
>OHSHITNIGGERWHATAREYOUDOING.jpg
"AHH!"
>You fall back off of your seat causing Discord to go into a fit of hysterics.
>"HAHAHAHAHA! You should have seen the look on your face."
>With a smirk you get back up and sit back down.
"Ha. Good one. I'm Anon. Good to meet you Discord. I'm a big fan of your work."
>It's true.
>The tales of his exploits had you constantly rolling.
>"Why thanks. I'm a big fan of your food. Best I've had in a long time. Plus it's always nice to meet a fan. You have no idea how hard it is to find somepony who appreciates good chaos around here."
>As you're about to respond, the argument next to you has evolved into a full scale shouting match.
>"Oh don't mind them. That's just Aryanne and Veronika. They argue like this every morning."
>Discord must have noticed you looking.
>He floats over to them to confront them.
>"LADIES, LADIES, PLEASE! There's no need to argue. Both of your socioeconomic ideologies are equally awful. They're just both... both terrible."
>They both give him a look of annoyance as he floats back over to your table.
>"Oh Ja? Vell Vhat vould JEW know?"
>"If you thinkings that I am goings to be takings that from enemy of peoples, then you is sorely mistakens comrade."
>Discord just smirks over at them.
>"Is it true that you two cuddle with eachother late at night after everypony has gone to sleep?"
>At this they both shut up and sink down underneath the table, blushing furiously.
>Discord turns to you.
>"Well I guess I have my answer."
>You can't.
>You just fucking can't.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I haven't laughed like that in a long while. Not even when the warden told me why you were locked up in here."
>"Ahh. You heard about that. I must admit that I didn't want to, but she left me no choice."
"Let me guess, she took something of yours and messed it up beyond repair, only for her to present it to you while smiling like a special needs child in a candy store."
>Now it was his turn to be surprised.
>"Yes actually. How did you know?"
"I was a guest in Celestia's castle. She has done the same to me. My poor, poor Xbox will never play games again."
>You hold back the tears.
>You can't let yourself be seen as weak by the other inmates.
"It's no matter now though. You got her back good enough for the both of us."
>Discord smiles triumphantly.
>"Yes I did. Say, you seem like a stallion who enjoys a good prank. Want to help me get those two lovebirds over there?"
>He points over at Veronika and Aryanne, who have quietly resumed eating their meals.
>Hmm...
>Pranking ponies alongside a god of chaos.
>Shutupandtakemymoney.png
"Sir. I would be honored to go pranking with you."
>"Wonderful. We'll meet at lunch. We can sit in the corner over there so that we won't be overheard."
>He points over to an empty corner.
>"Nopony likes to sit there because of the draft from the ventilation system. Well I have to use the little abominations room, so, ta-ta for now."
>He flies up into the air and teleports away with a spin.
>Perhaps you shouldn't be making trouble this soon into your stay.
>Plus you don't want to accidentally make somepony cr...
>WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>ARE YOU TURNING INTO SOME KIND OF FUCKING NORMIE OR SOMETHING?
>Yeah.
>You look over at the two ponies who are now finishing their meals.
>You mutter quietly under your breath.
"Prepare to be pranked like you've never been pranked before."


>Be Happy Thoughts.
>Be on your way to fetch Anonymous the Human.
>Somepony had said that they had seen him making his way to the gym about an hour ago.
>You could only hope that someone there could tell you where he went.
>Most ponies couldn't stand working out for more than 20 minutes.
>Well here we ar...
>"COME ON BRAH! THESE GAINZ AIN'T GONNA MAKE THEMSELVES!"
>Oh my word.
>That stallion on the bench press looks like he's about to faint.
>And Anonymous appears to be standing over him and screaming at him.
>"COME ON BRAH! ONE MORE! YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT, BRAH! WE'RE ALL GONNA MAKE IT!"
>"RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
>With a mighty roar, the stallion lifts the weights off of himself and back onto the rack.
>"I knew you had it in you, brah. I'll turn every one of you into sick cunts if you just stick with me."
>There are some murmurs of confusion, and then light applause.
>You're not sure what a 'sick cunt' is, but based on the context you suppose that it must be a good thing.
"Eh-hem."
>"Oh. Hello there Happy. How are you?"
"I'm doing fine. Finally caught up on all of that dreadful paperwork. You seem to be doing just fine. Although I need to ask, why you were yelling at that stallion just now? That seemed rather rude."
>"It's not rude. IT'S INTENSE MOTIVATION!"
>He pumps his fist in the air with his last exclamation.
>The stallion from before turns to you and speaks up.
>"It's alright, warden. I was going to give in five reps ago, but Anon here wouldn't let me give up. And now, I FEEL GREAT!"
>You ponder this for a moment before resuming your smile.
"Well alright then. As long as no feelings are hurt."
>"It's all good ma'am. What can I do for you?"
"You have a physical in an hour. I'm sorry for the short notice, but in all of the excitement yesterday I completely forgot to tell you."
>"It's fine. I'm gonna head back to my room and get washed up. Don't want to go into the doctor's office smelling like a gym bag. Later everyone, and remember. SQUATZ AND OATZ!"
>Everyone cheers as Anonymous takes his leave.
>They really seem to like him.
>He also has quite a talent for fitness training if the regular gym patrons were listening to him.
>Anon really is quite the sick cunt.


>Be Anon.
>Be on your way to the doctor's.
>You've only been here a day and you've already grown to love this place.
>A fun job, friendly people, and being a meme-spouting autist makes you cool rather than a faggot.
>You feel that you could be a big shot in this world if you can convince Sunbutt to let you move out of the castle.
>Ok a right turn at the fountain and... here it is.
>You knock on the door before entering the office.
"Hello. This is Anonymous. I had an appointment for a physical."
>You hear a voice call to you from within.
>"Oh yes. Please, come in."
>You enter the room and are greeted by a rather exhausted looking pegusus.
>"Hello Anonymous. My name is Dr. Feel Good. I hope you are in good health."
"Hehehe"
>That's the best pony name you've heard so far.
>Mötley Crüe rules.
>She gives you a stern look.
>"Is there something funny about my name?"
>Oops.
"Sorry. Nothing is wrong with it. Back where I came from, there's a very popular band with a song titled 'Dr. Feel Good.' I'm laughing with you not at you, I swear."
>She gains a small smile at this news.
>"Alright. What was the song about?"
"Uhh... It's about one of the greatest doctors of our world. He's never had an unsatisfied patient."
>Nailed it.
>No need to let her know one of our cultures top hits was about a drug dealer.
>She yawns and gives you another tired look.
>"Alright. We should probably get started."
"Are you ok? You seem pretty out of it."
>"I know. It's hard for me to get a lot of sleep. I'm always busy with paperwork and treating boo-boos during the day, and I have my sleep interrupted at least twice a night to take care of tummy aches and sick ponies."
>Damn.
>Guess being a doctor is no different here than it is back on Earth.
"I'm sorry. I'll try not to make it any harder on you."
>"Thank you. Let's get this over with, however I have some unfortunate news. You may want to sit down."
>Oh shit, did something happen.
>You sit down in the nearby chair, with a worried look on your face.
>"Anonymous... I'm not quite sure how to put this gently, so I'm just gonna come out and say it. We need to build a full medical profile on you, so I'm afraid that we need to..."
>She gulps.
>"Take a blood sample."
>...
>...
>IS THAT IT?
>You thought she was going to tell you that all inmates need to be castrated or something.
"Whew. You had me worried for a second. Is that all?"
>Aw shit.
>I know that look.
>I dun goofed again, didn't I.
>"Just what do you mean 'Is that all'? Do you not understand how this works?"
"-sigh- Yes, I get how it works. You stick a needle in a vein in my arm and you collect the blood in a little vial. Look, humans are tough. That is a routine part of a physical for us. I was expecting it before I even came in."
>She looks, unnerved, to say the least.


>Be Feel Good.
>Be in awe of the creature standing before you.
>He doesn't care about having his blood drawn.
>He probably doesn't even care about getting scraped knees or elbows.
"O-oh. Alright. Well lets get everything else out of the way first. Please strip down to your underwear."
>"Aren't you at least going to buy me dinner first?"
>You turn to him with eyes wide as dinner plates while your face turns a shade of red that you suspect falls somewhere outside the natural visible spectrum.
>"Relax. It's only a little joke."
>He strips down to his underwear as asked.
"P-p-please step onto the scale so I can take your weight and height."
>As he steps on the scale, you notice something on his back leg.
>A large, jagged scar.
"Oh damn."
>You put your hand to your mouth as you catch yourself swearing.
>Anonymous starts to chuckle.
>"That has to be the first time I've heard one of you ponies swear."
"I-i'm sorry. I just noticed... on the back of your leg..."
>He looks down at the scar.
>"Oh this old thing, don't worry. It doesn't hurt. I got that when I was little."
>HE GOT THAT AS A CHILD?
"What happened?"
>You try to speak with authority, but you can only manage a whisper.
>"I was riding scooters with a friend of mine, when we came up to a rather large hill. We rode down and got going pretty fast. Well near the bottom I hit a rock, fell off, and cut my leg on another rock. Needed about 20 stitches."
>He gives you a worried look.
>He must have noticed your shock.
>"I'm fine now though. Best not to dwell on it."
"Right."
>The rest of the time is spent in silence as you finish up with the physical.
"Alright Anonymous. You seem to be in perfect health. Now we need to take the... blood sample."
>"Like I said, no big deal. Where do you want me?"
"Over there please."
>As he takes his seat, you prepare the needle.
>Once everything is ready, you bring it over to him.
>You're slightly shaking.
"Are you ready?"
>"No. NO. NOT THE NEEDLE! ANYTHING BUT THE NEEDLE, PLEASE! Hahahaha."
>He smiles at you.
>"Yes, I'm ready. I'll be fine. Just relax."
>Alright, deep breaths.
>You hold the needle up to his vein, and push it in.
>He winces a little bit, but then looks at you and smiles.
>"See? Nothing."
>Wow.
>Most stallions would be in tears by now.
>You take the sample and remove the needle, without so much as a flinch from the human.
>You give him a bandage and a lollipop.
"Ok, that's it. We're all done."
>"Thank you doctor. I have to get going now, or I'll be late for lunch. Those burgers aren't going to cook themselves."
>You smile at him.
"Alright Anonymous, take care now."
>"Will do. And please, call me Anon. And try to get some sleep as well. Goodbye."
>With that he darts out the door and jumps down the hall towards the kitchen.
>He's such a fascinating creature.
>The toughest that you've ever seen too.
>You figure that you would take his advice and get some rest.
>A 15 minute power nap would probably help.



>Be Cookies.
>Be guarding Anonymous while he cooks ground up cow flesh into something he calls "Hamboigahs."
>He basically explained that it was a hot meat sandwich.
>It's something completely new, just like his breakfast.
>You've grown even more curious about his world than you were before.
>Which really stinks because he doesn't seem to like talking about his world.
>Buck it, you'll ask him some things about his world.
"So Anon... Could I ask you something?"
>"Sure thing Cookies, what do you need?"
"I was just wondering if I could ask some questions about your world. Like, since you're here are there any ponies there?"
>Something small to get the ball rolling.
>"Hmmm... Well yes, we do have ponies, but they're different from ponies from this world. They're not... how do I put this... sapient. They don't think or feel on the same level that you or I do. Back in my world, ponies are just animals. We humans keep them as pets. Please don't be offended.
>The ponies in his world are unintelligent like animals?
>Although it seems hard to believe, he doesn't seem to be lying. 
>Nor would he even have a reason to lie about such a thing.
>"This world is very different from mine. Humans are actually the only creatures on our planet capable of reason and complex thought. Because of this, we are the apex predators of our world."
>Apex predator?
>Wow.
"So, there's nothing in your world that could take down a human?"
>"Well, yes. Just one human could be overpowered by a lion or a bear or some other large animal, but we have tools with which we hunt them. It's lead to a human expression actually. 'Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you.' Of course another human could take down a human, but that would most likely land that person in prison."
>Nice.
>He just opened himself up for the question that you really wanted to ask.
>Well... 
>Here it goes.


>Be Anon.
>Be playing 20 questions with Cookies.
>All of her questions are harmless enough, so you don't mind giving...
>"What is human prison like?"
>Ah crap.
>You really don't want to answer this.
"I don't really like talking about things like that. Could you keep the questions pointed towards happier things?"
>She gives you a pleading look while biting her lower lip.
>Your heart nearly gives out from all the Daw.
>"Please Anon. I really want to know. It seems like it must be bad, even worse than here, considering how you never want to talk about it."
>Well you suppose you do owe her an explanation, if not an answer.
"Cookies. It is bad. REALLY bad. I'm fairly certain that you nor anyone else here could handle a serious, honest answer to most things about my world. Prison included."
>Now she actually looks kinda offended.
>Oops.
>"Now listen here. I'm way tougher than anypony else in this prison, be that guard or inmate. And that includes you. I can handle it, no matter how bad it is."
>You sigh. 
>Well you suppose that you couldn't keep everything a secret forever.
>But what the hell would you start with.
>The gangs, the rape, the gang-rape?
>It's all awful, and you know its going to make her cry.
>But she wants an honest answer and you're going to give it to her.
"Well, ok. Just promise that you won't judge me for the worst of humanity."
>"I won't you have my word."
>Here we go.
"Human prison is nothing like prison in this world. It's far worse than anything you have here. Here, the primary goal seems to be to rehabilitate criminals, but back in my world, the purpose of prison is containment. They exist to keep the undesirables out of society."
>Her look is one of annoyance.
>"That's dumb though. Shouldn't they offer things for rehabilitation so that when they have completed their sentence, they can become functioning members of society?"
"Yes, they should, but they never do. People are always trying to change the way our penal system works, but it never really goes through. They never have enough money to make the reforms. Citizens of my country prefer to have that money go towards education, in hopes that it will keep people from going to prison in the first place. But that never works, because once people in prison get out, they have nothing else to do but commit more crimes and drag the youth into it with them. It's an endless cycle of failure."
>"But why the buck would they commit crime again once they got out? Even if they don't have rehabilitation programs, shouldn't they learn their lesson about crime anyway?"
>You suppose righteous anger is better than tears of sadness.
"Imagine it. You get a whole bunch of criminals together in one place, and maybe only 1% of them have anything to do besides sit around and talk with other criminals. The only thing that most of them have for entertainment is collaborating with each other. Learning how to become better criminals. Most of the time they get caught again, but sometimes it works. I've heard stories about kids that are arrested and sent to jail for petty theft, only to become great thieves once they get back out again."
>She looks really angry now.
>"So why don't the prisoners rally together and demand prison reforms themselves? That would work right?"
>Ok.
>Now we're at the bad stuff.
"No, and that would be a really bad idea. If all the prisoners got together like that, the guards would most likely fire tear gas at them and put the prison on lockdown. There is no freedom in human prison. According to the government, they lost that right when they committed the crime."
>"That's horrible. That's barbaric. What is tear gas?"
>She looks both angry and confused.
"Well... It's a gas that causes severe stinging in your eyes, nose, and throat. It makes it so that you can't breath. They use it to herd all of the prisoners into one area so that they can contain them."
>She gives you a look of horror.
>"They would actually do something so horrible? THEY'RE THE ONES WHO SHOULD BE IN PRISON!!!"
>Wow.
>She really is tough.
>You were expecting tears.
>Instead you got absolute rage.
>You cut her off before she can continue.


>Be Cookies.
>Be feeling nothing but rage right now.
>Not at Anon though. 
>At the sheer injustice of what humans call "justice."
>As your about to continue, Anon cuts you off.
>"Try to understand, Cookies. Human criminals are nothing like criminals from this world. They're dangerous. VERY dangerous. Theft is one of the worst crimes here, where in our world its one of the most minor of crimes, depending on whats stolen."
>What?
>Theft is a minor crime?
>That's punishable by up to three months in prison.
"What is worse than that?"
>"A couple of examples are assault, someone attacking and hurting someone else. And one of the worst ones is murder."
>Murder?
"What the hay is murder?"
>You see a pained expression on his face.
>You're not going to like this.
>"It's when someone kills someone else."
>...
"WHAT? HUMANS KILL EACH OTHER?"
>He looks sad now.
>"Sadly yes. I don't have an answer for why. Since the dawn of human history, people have always killed each other over things such as resources, religion, or simple psychotic rage."
>You have no idea how to respond to that.
>That's the most awful thing that you've ever heard.
>Anon kneels down next to you and looks you in the eye.
"Why?"
>"Like I said, I don't know. It's just always been that way. Human prison doesn't always turn out badly for prisoners though. I spent a stint in prison back home, and look at me now. Well I'm back in prison now, but thats just because the all-powerful Princess Sunbutt can't handle a few bad words."
>Hehehehehe.
>That cheered you up a bit...
"YOU WERE IN ONE OF THOSE GODAWFUL PLACES?"
>"Heh. Yeah, I was. I was a dumb kid. There was this guy that was always trying to pick up on my girlfriend, so one night I slashed the tires on his car. Unfortunately, someone caught it on video and I went to jail for it. I got out at the age of 19, one and a half years later."
"One and a half years? That's such a long time."
>"I managed. I was able to get a job while I was in there. I would clean up the common area for $5 a day. I was able to use the money to buy books to read. That's what kept me out of more trouble."
"What did you do when you got out? You didn't go back to crime, did you?"
>He looks sort of proud now. 
>"Nope. I fulfilled a family tradition. I joined the Army."
"Really? You were in the military? That's amazing."
>"Yup. I'm a certified veteran. I had no where else to go after I got out of jail, so I decided to join. It was hard too. Normally people with a criminal record aren't allowed to join, but I wrote a well thought-out letter to the head of recruitment and he signed a waver to let me enlist."
>Your respect for Anon just increased ten fold.
"Did you like being in the military?"
>"Yes and no. I made a lot of new friends and had fun with them, but the work and location sucked. I would have gotten good benefits too."
"Would have? Why didn't you?"
>He looks... slightly worried.
>"That's a story for a different time. And anyway, I'm all done cooking. Lets go eat."
>You get the feeling that he's keeping information from you again, but you decide not to press the issue for now.
>It's time to satiate the rumbling in your tummy.


>Be Anon.
>Be enjoying a nice lunch with Cookies after a not-so-nice conversation.
"You alright, Cookies?"
>"Yeah, I'm fine now. That was a real shock though."
"And you took it very well. I made the mistake of telling Purple Smart about one of our wars once. Poor thing didn't stop crying until the next day."
>Cookies looks questioningly at you.
"Not right now. We're having a pleasant lunch, lets not ruin it with questions you don't want the answers too."
>"Alright then."
>She goes back to munching on her veggie burger.
>The vegetarian chefs agreed to give you their pudding cups tonight for the idea.
>Score.
>"This is delicious."
"Glad you're enjoying it. So tell me something about yourself."
>She looks a little confused at the question.
>"Why do you want to know about me?"
"Well I told you something about my world, now I wanna hear about yours."
>She smiles at you.
>"Sorry. I guess I just wasn't expecting it. No inmate has ever really taken an interest before. Well lets see... Aside from being a prison guard, I like baking, I have a cute little brown dog named Chocolate Chip, and my favorite games are Monopoly, Chess, and Fallout 4."
>You do a double take.
"WHAT WAS THAT LAST ONE?"
>"Ch-chess?"
>She looks startled and a little concerned at your outburst.
>The lack of Raider dismemberment is still getting to you.
>You had hoped that it would have stopped by now.
"Hehehe. Sorry. I love Chess. We should play sometime."
>"I would like that."
"So that's it? Do you have a coltfriend?"
>You learned early on when you tried to explain your relationship to your ex that the word boyfriend has no real meaning here.
>"Wh-wh-what? N-no. I don't."
>She's so nervous.
>And her face is more red than an over-ripened tomato.
>Your heart may soon give out from all the hnnnngh.
"Well that's a darn shame. You'd be a real catch, ya know."
>"Th-thank you. WelllookatthetimeIhavetogetgoingnowSeeyalaterAnon."
>She runs off with her tray in a hurry. 
"Well that was weird."
>"Excellent move Anon. I thought that she would NEVER leave."
>You turn to your left to see Discord sticking his head through the wall. 
>Oh shit that's right.
>You had completely forgotten.
"Hey Discord. So what's the plan."
>He leans over and whispers in your ear.
>"I'm telling you the plan right now, and you can understand it completely, even though my words are different than what you're currently comprehending in your head. I'm doing this because I want the prank to be a surprise to the readers, and because breaking the fourth wall is right in line with what a god of chaos would do. Also I hope that everyone has been reading this in John DeLancie's voice."
>That plan is a stroke of genius.
>You could have never though of something like that.
"Alright, got it. I'll meet you there an hour after lights out."
>"EXCELLENT! Chaos awaits."
>With that he disappears back into the wall.
>This is going to be good.
>You finish your meal and head back to your room to take a nap.
>Don't want to fall behind on your sleep and do poorly at your job because of this.



>Be Cookies.
>Be freaking out.
>Why would Anon ask if you have a coltfriend?
>And put it so bluntly.
>Was he interested in you?
>No.
>It couldn't be that.
>No colt would want somepony like you.
>All they want is the girly girls.
>And you definitely don't fit the bill for that.
>But he did seem interested in hearing about you.
>No no no.
>He was just being friendly.
>But what if he was flirting?
"I don't know. I've never had to deal with anything like this."
>"Never had to deal with anything like what?"
"HAPPY"
>You get so startled that you jump 10 feet into the air.
>Good thing the atrium is so large.
>"What was with that?"
"Sorry Happy. You just startled me is all. And forget about what I said earlier I was just thinking out-loud."
>"Oh alright. I was just coming to remind you that you're leading the moon hike tonight."
"Oh, right. Can't wait for it."
>"Excellent. Have a good rest of your shift."
>She trots off down the hall.
>This is great.
>You'll be sure to invite Anon.
>You can't ask him straight-out what he meant earlier.
>But you can put him in a romantic setting to gauge his reaction.
>Then you will have your answer.
>You have some preparations to make.



>Be Anon.
>Be relaxing in your room with some T.V. awaiting the moment of glory for you and Discord.
>Dinner was just a simple beef stew.
>Once again, the denizens of this world marvel at your ability to combine vegetables and meat. 
>How no one has ever thought of it before is beyond you.
>You're just a little bit worried though.
>You didn't see Cookies at all during dinner.
>Some other guardpony was monitoring you as you cooked.
>She said something about Cookies being "really preoccupied", so she volunteered to cover for her.
>Kind of her, although you could have done without the constant gagging.
>Still, you hope she's ok.
>That settles it, you'll go look for her to check up on her.
>You get up and run out the door.
>Only to crash into Cookies like a crane into a crowd of durka durkas.
>"Oww..."
>Oh geez! Oh no! Oh geez!
"Cookies! I'm so sorry. Are you alright?"
>She stands up and brushes herself off.
>"Yeah, I'm fine. No boo-boos. Are you alright?"
"I'm good. I'm not the one who was almost trampled though."
>"Hehe, yeah. Well anyway, I was leading the moon hike tonight, and I thought that you might like to come. I'll bring snacks for us. Whadda ya say?"
>Moon hike.
>As in walking on the moon.
>You think that your inner child just popped his first boner.
"Let me tell you something Cookies. Here, ponies can apparently just magic themselves to the moon. Humans can't. It took tens of thousands of years since the creation of the wheel for us to even put one man on the moon. As children, most humans dream of going there themselves someday. So to answer your question, there is no limit to the amount of times that I can say yes. Thank you."
>She smiles wider than you thought possible for a pony.
>Weird elastic horse physics.
>"That's great. Come on, you need to learn how to safely traverse the... YOUR PEOPLE MADE IT TO THE MOON WITHOUT MAGIC??? HOW???"
>Maybe the human race should change their slogan to Tech is Magic.
"Like I said, no magic. We rely on technology. It was no easy feat I assure you. As far as the specifics of how, I'm not entirely sure. It involves a lot of math though."
>"Oh."
>She doesn't seem to be a fan of math either.
>"Well anyway, you need to learn the basic safety rules out there. Let's go."



>Be Cookies.
>Be sitting in the back of the classroom while your assistant for the evening gives the safety briefing.
>All of the regulars are bored, naturally, they've heard this a million times before. 
>The new people seem bored too, but at least are paying attention.
>Except for Anon.
>He seems enthralled with her safety speech.
>He's even taking notes. 
>Good to know that he'll know how to be safe out there.
"Hehehe."
>You giggle a little bit in anticipation for tonight.
>You have with you a piping hot cherry pie and a bottle of the finest Sweet Apple Cider.
>You had thought of making spaghetti at first, but a nagging little voice in your head told you not to jinx it.
>You don't understand how that's a jinx, but you eventually decided that simpler is better.
>Nothing says romance like a light picnic under the earthlight.
>If Anon does really have romantic feelings for you, this will definitely bring them to light.
>"... And that concludes our safety briefing. I now present to you Princess Luna, here to cast the spell that will allow you to breath out there."
>Princess Luna teleports in with a flash of black and purple. 
>She always has been one for flare.
>"Good evening prisoners. We trust that you are all staying out of trouble?"
>Through all the "Yes ma'ams" you hear Anonymous yell out.
>"Hi Moonbutt."
>You and all the other prisoners in the room turn and look at him like he just yelled out mudpony on one of the collective farms in Stalliongrad.
>"Hahaha. Greetings Anonymous. How do you find yourself?"
>"This place is awesome. Don't get me wrong, I miss everyone down there, but still. A spa, a gym, a pool, and a great job? This is the greatest place ever."
>Wow.
>He really does love this place.
>What an oddball.
>"We are glad to hear that you are doing so well. Also, we felt bad that you had received such a harsh sentence, so we had some of the best scientists in Equestria set to work on trying to repair your Sexbox."
>Anon pinches the bridge of his nose and looks down at the floor, shaking his head.
>"It's called a Xbox Luna. Xbox."
>"Right, that. Unfortunately, they could not make heads or tails of it. The technology is far more advanced than anything we have here. They also think that the dirt and water applied to it would render it completely 'Cronenburged' as you had put it."
>"I had figured as much. Thanks for trying though, it means a lot."
>You are so lost.
>"Anyway, for those who are new, I will now cast a spell on you all. This will allow you to breath outside and not suffer such fates as freezing to death or being fried by solar radiation. This will tingle a bit."
>You feel the familiar glow in your body as the Princess' spell washes over you.
>"You are all now safe to walk on the moon. As always, be careful for the hydras that I made out of boredom many years ago. Have fun everypony."
>You still don't know if she's joking about that.
>As she teleports out of the room, you take your place in front of the airlock.
"Alright. Is everypony ready?"
>They all murmur yes, except for Anon, who materializes by your side.
>"Yes ma'am."
>He's cute when he's excited.
"O.K. Let's get going."
>The door opens and you begin the trek outside.



>Be Anon.
>Be having the greatest experience of your life so far.
>You climb up a 20 foot cliff face using only your jaw.
>You yell out to Cookies as you reach the top.
"Hey Cookies. Check this out."
>You proceed to do a septupule back flip back down to the group below, landing firmly on your feet.
>[Impressed horse noises]
>"Anonymous. I know that this was a dream of yours, but please be more careful. I've never had a boo boo on one of these hikes and I won't see that record tarnished."
"Don't worry. I'm a big boy. Besides, the gravity is so low that I could have landed on my head and been just fine."
>"I know, but rules are rules. Please refrain from such stunts in the future."
>Damn it.
>That was really fun too. 
"Yes mom."
>"Come on. Don't be upset. There's plenty of things to see when we get to our destination. We also have some fun activities planned."
>While you think that your idea of fun is much different than these ponies ideas of fun, you decide to give her the benefit of the doubt.
"Ok. Lead the way Ms. Cookies."
>You can't really say that you're too upset.
>You're walking around on THE FUCKING MOON!
>You have zero reason to complain about anything right now.
>...
>A short hike later, you find yourself at the top of a hill.
>Well, less of a hill and more like the edge of a massive crater.
>Cookies wasn't lying about the view though. 
>You could see for miles around.
>You also can see the prison from the outside for the first time.
>At least you think it's the prison.
"Hey Cookies. Is it me, or does the prison look more like a giant mansion rather than an actual prison?"
>"Oh yeah. The prison wasn't always a prison. Princess Luna built it during her banishment here. Now that she is back in Equestria, she obviously doesn't need to live there anymore. So she decided to turn in into a prison to help with the overcrowding problem back in Equestria, as well as to lock up prisoners who were too troublesome for regular prison, but not bad enough to deserve Tartarus."
"Fascinating. It really is a beautiful sight. Thank you for inviting me along, Cookies. This has been, without a doubt, the greatest experience of my life."
>The other guardpony then calls everyone around.
>"Alright everypony, it's time for a friendly game of spaceball. For those of you who are new, don't worry about it. You'll learn as you play. Cookies and I will serve as umpires. Ok, everyone split into two teams." 
>/sp/ in space.
>Neat.
"Come on, let's go play."



>Be Cookies.
>Be helping to pick up the bases from one of the shortest games of spaceball that you've ever seen played.
>The game was two innings in when Anonymous was unanimously declared the winner for managing to kick the ball into orbit. 
>Seriously.
>Those legs of his are deceptively powerful.
>Alright, now that this is all cleaned up and everyone is enjoying some relaxation time, it's time to enact your plan.
"Hey Anonymous, could you come here for a minute?"
>He comes bouncing over to you.
>"What's up, Cookies?"
"W-well, I was wondering if you..."
>Oh hay biscuits, why is this so hard?
"...if you wanted to go up there with me? For a small picnic?"
>"Hehe. That sound's great actually. I'm starved. Everyone really loved my stew tonight, so I didn't get much to myself."
>Phew.
"Ok. I got it set up over here, on the other side of this rock."
>You have your pie and cider set up on a blanket along with a little magical space heater to make it nice and comfy.
"Well, he-here we are."



>Be Anon.
>Be sitting with Cookies about to dig into some nice dessert.
>A Cookies who is acting very strangely.
"Are you alright? You seem kinda tense."
>"Me? No. I'm fine. I'm just... Chilly. Yeah, that's it. I'm just a little chilly hehe."
>She seems really nervous.
>Kinda like she did earlier.
>Wait...
>She acted like this when you asked her if she had a coltfriend.
>...
>Oh wow.
>This is a date.
>She must have a crush on you.
>That's adorable.
>I'll just play along for a bit.
"Well... If you're cold, go ahead and scoot closer."
>Her face looks like it's almost glowing red.
>"O-o-ok."
>She reaches out to grab the pie as she scoots up next to you.
>"W-w-would you l-like a slice?"
>She's completely spilling her spaghetti.
>It's the cutest thing ever when females do it.
"I would love some. Thank you. Pass the cider too please."
>"He-here."
"Thanks. And just relax. No need to get so anxious over me. Oh my god. This is the best pie ever."
>She brightens up significantly at this exclamation. 
>"Thank you. I made it myself."
"That makes it even better. Seriously. It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone just dropped X."
>"Hehehe. Thanks. What's X?"
"Uhh..."
>Fug
"It's just a human expression. Don't worry about it."
>...
"Ya know, I'm having a really good time, and not just because of the fact that I'm on the moon. Thank you again for tonight Cookies."
>"Anytime. I'm having a great time too."
>The thought has never really crossed your mind, but maybe you could give dating a pony a try.
>It could be fun.
"So Cookies, maybe sometime after my sentence is over, you and I could..."
>"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
>Dafuq?
>"What was that?"
>You and Cookies run back around to the other hikers to see...
"OH SHIT!"
>You've played enough fantasy games to recoginze that beast on sight, with it's five heads and scale plated body.
"Luna wasn't joking about the hydras..."
>It's gaze is currently on a mare, paralyzed with fear on the ground.
>Oh fuck.
>Do I help?
>How do I help?
>Can I fight it?
>Maybe it's bark is worse than it's bite like everything else in this world.
>What if it isn't?
>It looks like it's about to strike.
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVBM3bX7xdw
>Fuck it.
>What's the worst that can happen?
>You die?
>That's how you got here.
>You no longer fear death.
>It's just the path to the next great adventure.
>You charge in, grabbing one of the poles from the net from the game earlier.
>"ANONYMOUS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"GET EVERYONE OUT OF HERE NOW!"
>The hydra lashes out towards the mare.
>You hear a familiar voice in your head.
>It says, "LEMME SEE YOUR WAR FACE!"
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
>You smack the hydra right in the eye.
>As it reels back in pain, you position yourself between it and the mare.
"GET OUT OF HERE!"
>She runs back over to the rest of the group, making it just you and it.
>You jab your improvised spear at it a couple of times, making it back off.
"Heh. Just like I thought. You're just a big old puppy dog ain't ya?"
>It lashes back, grazing your arm with it's claw.
"AGH!"
>"ANONYMOUS. YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE."
"NO, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE."
>"But..."
"GO! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!"
>You jab your spear at the hydra again, wounding it on it's softer belly.
>It roars in pain and continues to back away towards the edge of the crater.
>If you can just keep it up, you can knock it in.
>You see it's counter attack coming this time, and dodge low.
>You steal a glance over to where the others were.
>Good. 
>They seem to have left.
>The hydra rears one of it's heads and strikes at you.
>You dodge to the left and keep up your assault on it's tender underbelly.
>Another jab, and it backs off a few more feet.
>You manage to keep up this technique until it is at the very edge.
>As you are about to make your final strike, the hydra manages to surprise you with an uppercut slash from one of it's claws. 
>Luckily, you dodge out of the way in time to avoid a fatal blow, but you receive a pretty bad gash on your cheek.
"ARRGH!"
>Time to finish this.
>"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
>With a mighty battle cry, you plunge your spear into the beast's belly.
>The hydra rears back in pain, causing it to lose it's balance.
>The creature tumbles down into the crater, landing on it's stomach at the bottom.
"Holy shit. I killed it. Oww..."
>The cut on your arm isn't that bad, just bleeding a little, but the gash on your face definitely needs some immediate attention.
>You take off your shirt and tear it into strips.
>One you wrap around your arm, and the others you tie around your face in an attempt to slow the bleeding.
>The thoughts that run through your head right after battle are baffling sometimes.
>The only thing you can think right now is that you hope Luna won't be too mad.



>Be Cookies.
>Be back at the prison and freaking out.
“Please Princess. We don’t have time. We need to save him.”
>”Calm thine self, young one. First, thou needst to tell us what happened.”
“We were relaxing after a game of Moonball, a hydra attacked, and Anon ordered us to leave while he held it off. Can we go save him now?”
>”Oh. Oh dear. That is not good.”
>You’re starting to get irritated.
“No. It’s not. NOW CAN WE GO SAVE HIM BEFORE HE BUCKING DIES?”
>You really shouldn’t be raising your voice like that to royalty.
>Or using that kind of language.
>But she does not seem to understand the severity of the situation.
>”We shall leave at once to go find him, but thou should understand something. We’ve seen his dreams. We cannot share with thou any details, but if anypony can handle the hydra, it is him.”
>With that, she flies out the door and out of sight. 
>You can only hope she’s right about him.
“Anon…”



>Be Anon.
>Just as you are about to head back, a thought crosses your mind.
>That hydra doesn’t look like it would be more than 1000 pounds, earth gravity.
>And you’ve never had the opportunity to cook with hydra meat before.
>You’re the Motherfucking Sous Chef of LunaMax.
>And you’re taking that hydra back with you.
>You look over into the crater and see a fairly decent sized path that would allow you to easily carry it back up.
“Alright. Let’s do this.”
>You jump down into the crater, sliding down the side.
>Once at the bottom, you carefully approach the hydra and check to make sure it isn’t playing possum.
>He’s dead, Jim.
>It’s pretty difficult to get the angle right, but you manage to lift the brunt of the beast onto your back, while leaving its tail to drag. 
“Unf. Ok. Pretty heavy, but not that bad.”
>It feels to be about 150 pounds.
>It sucks, but you’ve carried heavier rucksacks before.
“Well, back to jail.”



>Be Luna.
>Be searching for the human Anonymous.
>You really hope that he is ok, even though his dreams gave you nightmares of your own.
>You shudder at the memories.
>Oh.
>There’s their sports equipment, Anon must be down there.
>You land and call out to the human.
“ANONYMOUS. ART THOU ALRIGHT?”
>No answer.
>Better start searching for clues.
>…
>…
>…
>After a few moments, you stumble across some blood stains on the ground.
“Oh no…”
>There doesn’t appear to be anything else here.
>You look down into the crater and see…
>Nothing.
“ANONYMOUS!!!”
>Still no answer.
“Anonymous…”
>Tears begin to form in your eyes.
“Fair thee well, Anonymous. Thou wert… a good friend…”
>You fly off back to the prison, leaving a trail of tears in your path.



>Back to Anon.
>What you didn’t see from the top of the crater was that the trail took you out by way of Omaha.
>As you finally get back to the top, you see Luna flying away.
>Maybe she can help you carry this thing if she isn’t too pissed.
“LUNA. HEY LUNA…”
>Damn, too late.
>She can’t hear you.
>Oh well.
>You’re tired from carrying this damn thing uphill, but you can make it.
>Momanon didn’t raise no quitters.
>You find the trail that the group took to get here and set off.



>Be Cookies.
>Be making a trench in the floor with all of your pacing.
>”Relax, Cookies. I’m certain the princess will find him.”
>You look dejectedly at the warden.
“But what if she doesn’t…”
>”I’m certain that…
>”EVERYONE LOOK, THE PRINCESS IS BACK!”
>You turn towards the door and sure enough, the airlock opens and in steps the princess.
>Without Anon.
“Princess. Where’s Anon?”
>”We could not find him. We’re sorry.”
>She looks just as sad as you do.
“Nothing? Not even a sign of where he might be.”
>”I uh… We uh……… Nope.”
“I-Is there something that you don’t want to tell us.”
>She sighs and looks at the floor.
>Tears forming in her eyes.
>”We’re sorry. The only thing we saw were signs of a struggle. The hydra was nowhere to be found. OH CURSE THE DAY THAT WE CREATED THOSE WRECHED BEASTS!!!”
>So that’s it then.
>You don’t want to believe it, so you don’t.
“Maybe he ran away and is hiding somewhere?”
>Luna just looks at you and shakes her head.
>”No… Th-There was too much…”
>”EVERYONE LOOK! OUTSIDE IT’S… IT’S ANON!!!
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5HBuZCc3us
>Sure enough, trudging slowly towards the prison carrying a hydra that dwarfs him…
>Is Anonymous.
>[Joyful Horse Noises]
“Open the door, please.”
>As the door opens, Luna rushes out. 
>”THOU HAST SLAIN THE BEAST! WELL DONE MIGHTY KNIGHT OF THE MOON PRISON!”
>”Heh. Thanks Luna. Please do not make any more.”
>She actually blushes a bit.
>”We shall adhere to this request.”
>Anon looks over and spots you.
>He looks from you over to all the prisoners watching.
>He drops the hydra and climbs up on top of it.
>”EVERYPONY LISTEN! I HAVE SLAIN THE BEAST! IT WILL NEVER PLAGUE US AGAIN!”
>[Joyful Horse Noises Intensify]
>”PLEASE INFORM ALL THE MEAT EATERS THAT TOMORROW, WE FEAST!”
>[Joyful Horse Noises Slightly Diminish]
>You can’t help but giggle a little at that.
>As he jumps off of the hydra, you rush up and give him a hug.
>He seems slightly taken aback at first, but he soon hugs you back.
“Thank you for saving us.”
>He smiles back and pats you on the head. 
>Anytime