>fuck's sake, we've gone from actual good green to band of brothers and making your no-no places look pretty.
>i just wanted stories where anon is treated like a 1950's woman. now theres gems hot-glued to testicles, sparklers sticking out of mare's poopers, and whatever the fuck the other anons were talking about.
>in fact, fuck it. i'm going to write a multi-post (multi-chapter?) story where this kind of shit is taken absolutely seriously.

>IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT MLP

>IS IT


>You are Anon, the only human in Equestria.
>And AS the only human in Equestria, it has been decided that it is up to you to preserve your culture.
>Princess Celestia, in exchange for citizenship and a nice little cabin, has just one request for you:
>Meet up with her appointed writkeeper weekly in order to make sure that Humanity never dies in Equestria, and to share your species' development for the Princess's people to use and adapt.

>Basically, share your tech or it's back into the Everfree Forest for you.

>Naturally, you agreed.  You STILL walk with a bit of a limp from your stint in that forest, three months ago.

>Anyway, today is the day you meet up with Twilight Sparkle, resident booksmith and keeper of knowledge.

>You want to make it perfectly clear that you didn't come up with that.  That was straight-up how Twilight introduced herself to you.

>She poofed up her chest and struck a pose and made her coat look all sparkly when she said that.  It was really cute and you couldn't keep yourself from smiling at the display.  Her little ears perked up when she saw your reaction, and she started treating you like a good friend after that.  Silly ponies.  You guess that was their version of a firm handshake.

>Now, under normal circumstances you would be half-way to Twilight's fancy treehouse by now, but a certain mare is blocking your way. 

>Fucking flu-Wait, no, not today.

>It's Rainbow Dash.
>D'aww, she's all dressed up for you.
>She's got a pair of really nice-looking wings coming out from below her tail.  They're coloured like her cutie mark, and have glitter and gems glued to them.
>You don't know what she's doing here, but you like it already.
>Without a word, Rainbow Dash flaps her wings a few times and gets up on her hind legs, and wobbles a few times before she catches her balance.  She purses her lips like she's about to start whistling and.....

"Chiiii-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!"

>The fuck is this shit.
>She's chirping at you.  You know, like a bird would.  This is the most bizarre thing you've seen so far in magic horseland.
>She spreads her wings out as wide as they'll go and starts hopping in place.  Her bedazzled ass-wings are shining in the morning sunlight, casting rainbows on the ground and in the air around her.
>Honestly, as weird as this is, her performance is actually pretty impressive.
>You look down her body to get a good look at her ass-wings and OOPS you get an eyefull of puffy, wet, horse cootchie.
>Oh jeez, she's going to be SO PISSED you got a look at her privates, even IF they were on full display.
>It reminds you a bit of the girls back on Earth.
>If you didn't want me to stare at your ass, why did you put WORDS there?!

>You look back up as quickly as you can.  Not once has Rainbow broken eye-contact with you.
>You begin to sweat.  This dance has taken a really intense turn.
>Maybe she didn't notice you were glanced at her no-no place.

"Chiiiiiii-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!"

>She has the biggest shit-eating grin on her face.  Fuck.
>Now she's started to hop side-to-side, and the tips of her wings are fluttering at you.  You guess you encouraged her?  Or something?  You honestly still don't know what the fuck Rainbow's trying to accomplish here.  
>You swear to fucking god, this came out of NOWHERE.  Yesterday, the ponies were acting normally, like people would.  Now you got a tiny blue pony with wings coming out of her keister flashing her [spoiler]pink pony pussy[/spoiler] at you.

>Maybe Twilight will understand if you decide to skip today's session.  She's always had your back when mares accosted you.  She'd stand in front of you and make herself all poofy, and that would scare the other pony off.  Apparently it isn't proper for a mare to just swipe her tail at a stallion, or something like that.  She and her friends were pretty peeved when that happened for the first time.
>You're just about to turn around and get back inside when something yellow bursts from a nearby bush.  

>Fucking Fluttershy.

>You brace yourself for impact, only for the colission to never arrive.
>It seems that she's confronting Rainbow Dash instead.  And Fluttershy has her own weird outfit on too.  You had been hoping that this was just Rainbow being weird, but life is full of disappointments.
>Aww, she's even got little ass-wings too.  Only they're not sparkly like Rainbow's are.  They're actually brown.  Brown and white and black and gray and oh shit that's fur.
>You know that Fluttershy takes care of animals, so you guess you know where the fur came from.  After Rainbow's display, you're honestly a little worried that Fluttershy did something to her animals to get all that fur.  You wonder what dance is in store for you.
>But no dance comes.  Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are both on their hind legs, circling each other.

"Chii-chii-chii-chaaaaaaaaa" says the yellow one.

"Chiii.... Chiii..... Chiiii" says the blue one, her tone make it clear that this was a warning.

>Rainbow Dash looks seriously pissed right now.  Quick as a whip, she stomps over to Fluttershy and starts squaking aggressively at her.

"Scha-scha-scha-scha-scha-scha-scha!"

>Fluttershy takes a few steps back, but keeps on circling Rainbow.  Fluttershy retaliates by honking like a goose and trying to bite Rainbow Dash.
>Them's fightin' words, apparently, because Rainbow Dash gets all up in Fluttershy's business, hissing at the yellow pony and hitting her with her wing-tips.
>Fluttershy turns around, gets back on all-fours, and starts running away, with Dash in hot persuit.  She only chases her a few meters, though, before turning around and trotting up to you.
>Aww, she looks so proud of herself.  After a display of dick-measuring like that, you eagerly comply when she raises her front hoofs in the universal sign of "uppies?"

>You walk away with Rainbow Dash in your arms, nuzzling your neck and making happy bird noises.