I giggled when I wrote this.

>response to pic here: http://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/30647792/#q30670225
"8 sex positions that will blow his mind and destroy his penis"

>You are Anon, and your cousin is doing weird things on your bed.
"R-Rainbow?"
>Your cousin crosses her legs in mid air, trying (and failing) to imitate the girl on the front of the magazine.
>"What's up, little man? I'm a little busy here right now."
"I've been looking through your magazine, right?"
>Rainbow arcs her back, and an audible -crick- makes you wince.
>"Uh-huh?"
"And I'm looking at this '8 sex positions' list..."
>Rainbow raises one of her arms into the air and immediately collapses, her one arm unable to support her weight at such a bizarre angle.
>Lucky for her, the mattress broke her fall.
>"Fuck! Uh, what about it?"
>You look down at the article and drag your finger down to one of the least sexually-pleasing suggestions you've ever seen.
"Well, I have some concerns about number 7."
>"Number 7? That's, uh... that's the 'Snake Grip', right?"
"Yeah. You see... the entire description is just, 'Grab his penis and pull as hard as you can. Keep pulling no matter what he says. Just do it. Just fucking do it.' "
>Your balls try to retreat into your body cavity at the thought of that.
>Whatever the opposite of an erection is, you've got that.
"I can tell you right now that that isn't going to happen."
>Rainbow scoffs while you browse the other equally horrifying suggestions.
>Jesus, have these women ever even touched a male before?
>'Wrap your lips around the head of his penis and blow as hard as you can.'
>Fuck.
>"Nah, I'm not interested in that one. Check out number 3!"
>You take a deep breath and brace yourself, and then glance across the page.
>...
>You can't fucking tell what's going on in this picture.
>What is that girl even doing?
>Is this position even possible?
"The... the 'double helix catwalk inverter'?"
"Uh-huh!"
>What the actual fuck?
>These sound like wrestling moves, or magic attack names from your Japanese animes.
>When you look back up, your cousin has one leg propped up against the wall and the other one twisted sideways in a way that looks painful just to see another person do it.
She gazes at you lustfully, giving you some impressive upside-down bedroom eyes.
>"Tell you what, cousin," she purrs, "Put that dumb thing away and get over here. If you can manage to rotate yourself 120 degrees clockwise and wrap your ankles around your head, I'll make you feel so gr-RROOOFF"
>Your cousin's loose top chose that exact moment to fall down/slide up her chest and smother Rainbow's face, startling her and causing her to loose her balance.
>She hits the mattress at an awkward angle, bounces off the edge, and then lands in a groaning heap at your feet.
>Thanks, Cosmo.

>"Dear 'who-the-fuck-is-this': Thank you so much for your advice. My husband enjoys oral sex so much more now that I don't choose a random moment to bite down."
>"For the desk of 'who-the-fuck-is-this': my sex life has never been better. i now know not to rub my partners thighs and blow hot air onto his testicles. youve save my marriage"
>"Dearest 'who-the-fuck-is-this': I never thought it would happen to me."
>The fuck is this?
>All you did was find one of those 'Suggestions from the Readers' columns and submit [spoiler]sex in the missionary position with the lights on for the purpose of procreation.[/spoiler]