>https://youtu.be/XUhVCoTsBaM [Embed]
>Your eyes slam open as your alarm clock goes off
>Squirming under the covers, you stretch
>Fuck... yes
>You're still not used to beds that properly fit you again
>For you are Anonymous
>And you're NOT in hoerstopia
>You swing your legs over and hop out of bed, making sure to pose dramatically every so often
>You...kinda have to. Pillar Men, I mean...come on
>You stare down your toothbrush behind a hand covering your fa-
>*knock knock knock*
>....damnit
>Turning off your phone, you make your way to the door
>*knock knock knock*
"Coming, coming... calm down."
>"Oh! Yay! You're in!" a chipper, but muffled voice responds
"...of course I'm in, I fuckin' live here-"
>Opening the door, you stand face-to-face with the happiest tauress you've ever seen
>Or you would say that if she didn't show up every single morning
>every
>single
>morning
>"I waited until after the sun came up, just like you asked! But I was so concerned that you had left so I kinda started to walk around your house to see if you snuck out and then that got me hungry so I uh-"
>You look at what's left of your garden
>Those petunias never had a chance
>"A-anyway, I brought you your daily delivery!"
>She reaches into her bag and pulls out two frosty glasses of milk, thrusting them towards you
>You "oof" softly as they slam into your chest, your arms reaching out of instinct to take them from her
"Aah...hah, thanks Helga, but - you do know that I'm only signed up for one glass, right?"
>She blushes
>Ugh this is gonna give you nightmares you know it
>"W-well... I-I made the other one special... just for you."
>Yep.
"Which one is-"
>"Nope! Gotta go make the rounds, but I"ll stop by at noon, per usual!"
>You sigh as the perky cow briskly jogs away from your doorstep
>You are Anon
>And you live in Labarynthia
>....maybe not the best life choice?
>only time will tell
>You weigh each bottle in your hand
>....
>You shrug and go back inside


>You place the two jars into the fridge
>....just... not right now. Just not right now. Maybe later when the mental image has faded will you take your chances.
>You meander back into the bathroom, but the magic is gone
>So you do your three S's and moonwalk outta there
>Pants? check
>Shirt? Yep!
>Sandals? Closest-thing-to-footwear they have, so ... yeah
>Locking up, you make your way down the road into the town proper
>Your morning walk always gives you time to reflect 
>Apparently *all* of Equs had this... weird birth ratio thing going on. Anywhere from 3 - 6 females per male, regardless of sentient species.
>It did wonders to keep the wars small, considering a few hundred of the right casualties could fuck over a nation for some time
>...well that was a bit dark
>You wave to a passing Tauress, dragging some rocks from the quarry
>Here, it's no different
>At least, the *ratios* are no different
>The mentality...
>Ok, let's just say you're thrilled you're not being married off to a horse, or having your junk "accidentally" booped by mare muzzles about 10 times a day
>These cows? They're goofy, sure, but they don't try anything
>"OH YEAH?!"
>But really
>"YEAH. DO IT."
>You're here for the guys
>"WOOOOOOOO-"
>You round the corner to see Silver Tongue egging on your boss, Diamond Spatula
>"OOOOOOOAAAAH-"
>And he just flexed his shirt off
>"WOOOOOOO"
>They butted heads and then started to flex randomly
>Fuck. Yes.
>Almost every guy you've met is a total bro
>And not in the "dude let's get some tribal tattoos an fuck some sluts bro" kinda way
>But in the "Hey, let's go out drinking or play contact sports or knit tasteful booties for our calves while flexing" kinda way
>"ANON! You're LATE!"
>You roll your eyes
"Sorry, let me just check the TIIIIMEEE"
>Flex those guns while you look at your wrist
>"AWWWWWWW YEEEEEE-"
>*ahem*
>Diamond Spatula is silenced as his wife stands in the doorway, smiling softly
>Fuck you're all retarded and know it but it's glorious


>"Now, why is my Husband scaring away our customers so early in the morning?"
>Spatula rolls his shoulders as he turns to his wife, flexing his pecs as he speaks
>"We were just ASTOUNDED at Anon - he's going to enter the army and fight in the badlands!"
>Ha ha he's such a retard
>"Really now? Anon can bench 800?"
>As she looks past her husband to you, you begin to flex your noodles in various, possibly-legitimately-awesome ways
>She sighs and rolls her eyes
>Ha ha ha we're so retarded
>"HE'S ON HIS WAY~!"
>"Dear. Speaking of - your children are ready to go."
>As if on cue a bunch of - well, they're called calves, but they're like... tiny fuzzy toddlers with hooves stream out of your workplace
>"Ah daawegon'go-"
>"DAD Graniteatemypeanuts-"
>"DAD DAD DA"
>Ah. That means breakfast was pancakes with a gallon of syrup
>At least, if how your Boss is being swarmed to death by grubby little paws is any indication
>....fuck that means you have like 500 dishes to do damnit
>"REMEMBER ME, ANON-"
>You pose, pointing at him
"WITNESSED"
>"Alright you two. Get them to school, and then we have to prep for morning rush."
>You wave goodbye to Diamond Spatula as he makes his way to the schoolhouse
>...slash prison slash insanity complex. Basically, imagine if the CMC had opposable thumbs.
>......teachers are very well paid in Labarynthia
>"Come on sugar. I'll help you with the dishes."
"Sugar? Making moves on the help?! My, what would Diamond think, Elsa?"
>She hmms softly. "He'd probably welcome the help with the kids, considering Freja and Ida work in the quarry."
"Ugh, no thanks."
>Elsa pats you on the back as you walk in, heading around the bar to the kitchen
>Sure... you work in a restaurant. Diner, really.
>A step down from where you were on Earth, to be sure, but they pay you decently and you get free food - so really, you're kinda ahead.
>As you tie on the apron you hear someone clear their throat
>"Hm? Silver, what're you doing here, sug?"


>Your Boss' childhood friend, Silver Tongue, slides up to the bar. 
>"Well... breakfast rush?" he grins
"Weak, dude. I know your game."
>"Oh?"
"Yeah. You bullshit with us-"
>"Hey!" Silver sits up, furrowing his brow
"-niglet please, that only worked for the first week I showed up."
>He chuckles, slouching back into his seat. "Damn."
"Right. You BS with us, and then we feed you for free because you make the time go by. Not today!"
>"You still have to do dishes, Anon." Elsa smirks. "Now, Silver, tell us what's going down at the station or I'll hand you a mop."
>You feel the tuft of a tail hit the back of your legs, and start moving to the sink
>Damn owner's wife givin' away free food
>They don't TIP IF IT'S FREE
>You pout for a few moments before falling into a familiar rhythm 
>Eventually you've cleaned through most of the dishes just as the griddle gets hot
>You can tell because (a) The kitchen heats up about 20 more degrees and (2) the roaring fire 10 feet from your shins is a telltale giveaway
>Thankfully this isn't your problem, because you don't work back here!
>Nope. As the only, and therefore best-looking waiter in this joint, you work the front
"Alright! This good enough for you or-"
>"Just fine, sugar! Now head on out there and make a lot of tips!"
>You chuckle.
"Anything to get out of paying me more, eh?"
>"Oh. Just go!"
>Another smack from her tail and you push open the double doors....
>...to see Silver sipping on some coffee
>FREE coffee
>The worst type
"Silver."
>"Green."
"Jerk"
>"Mmhmm. So anyway, you finally going to come with us to Socioball?"
"You mean the 'toss my ball at a stick in the middle while getting tackled' game?"
>"Yeah! Come on, it's not *that* bad, and with your height it's like having a cow on the team-"
"Look, honestly? The game doesn't bother me. But y'all oil yourselves up first, and then the stands are filled with women and just... it's all really phallic, yanno?"
>"Anon, don't be a faggot."
>Too late


"You don't even know what that mea-"
>"Look, I don't HAVE to." He puts down his mug and stares at you. "When are you going to like... put yourself out there, bro?"
>Bro?
>I'm not your bro, pal
>"I mean... sure, you're taller than the average guy - about as tall as any given cow, but still! If we get some muscle on you, you'd be unstoppable!"
"...you're trying to recruit me because Iron Back's team is 10-0, and I could be your ace in the hole."
>Silver closes his mouth and purses his lips.
>You narrow your eyes at him
>"....fine. FINE. Yes. But I'm also doing this for you!"
"Aaah."
>"No, seriously! You're what, how old?"
"Old enough."
>You rummage around under the counter for your supplies as Silver keeps talking
>"That's what I mean! You're obviously not an adolescent.. whatever you are-"
"Human"
>"Bless you. I mean, you gotta... start thinking about settling down!"
"R-really? This talk, from you-"
>"Hey. I'll have you know that although I don't have any calves - yet - I'm still going home to some very wonderful girls."
>You stand back up, tucking some pads in your apron
"So wonderful, you roll in here whenever you can?"
>"Hmph. You know why I'm here-"
"Cause you're gay for Diamond?"
>"IT IS BROTHERY LOVE-"
>"-THAT'S ALL IT IS~"
>You start laughing as your boss makes his dramatic entrance
>"-BROTHERLY LOVE-"
>"HE'S MINE, I'M HIS~"
>They fistbump, hard, as they sing in unison. "THERE'S NOTHING LAME ABOUT IT IN OUR EEEYYYEEESS~"
"So you're both blind?"
>"That sounds like someone wanting to work the graveyard shift!"
>You laugh, and soon everyone joins you
"But seriously-"
>"You know we don't even have a graveyard shift. BUT. Did he agree, Silver?"
>Silver shakes his head as he sits back down infront of you. "No. He's being a faggot."
>"Aaah, yes. Faggoting. Apparently it's all he does-"
"Oh not you too-"
>"Come ON, Anon! You gotta-"
"-Get out there-"
>"-Get out there and- hey."
>You pour Diamond a cup and slide it over to him


>"Well fine. The pep talk didn't work - could I just order you to join our team? It is Stone Pumpkin festival, you know."
"It's.. whatnow?"
>Both minotaur look at you, tilting their heads in unison
>You know that look
>That's the "you said something so dumb I need to pour the stupid out of my ears" look
"Hey, it's not my fault I don't know your bovine holidays. I still don't believe you have one revolving entirely around bells-"
>"Anon. The Blue Oyster Cult Festival is a real thing-"
"Bullshit-"
>"Hey!" Silver cries out, a grin on his face
>"Well fine. You'll find out yourself this spring. But, seriously, Anon. Stone Pumpkin is our harvest festival - I'm certain they had something similar where you grew up?"
>You shrug as you step around the bar to the diner proper
"For the most part. Scarecrows, state fairs, pumpkin pie, corn mazes-"
>"Right, right. It's somewhat like that here, I'm assuming from what you said... but, the entire city - tartarus, every town and village is in on it."
>You whistle
"So it's a big deal, in other words."
>"It's a big fucking deal, yes. Food vendors, fireworks, bonfires, games, the whole shebang. It's pretty much a 3 day holiday."
"Oh wow. And... this is relevant to Socioball becaaaause-"
>"Because everybull plays at festival! You just - you just DO, alright? How do you think my first wife found me?!"
>You sigh
"Look... Just... We've got like 2 month-"
>"6 weeks"
"Alright! 6 weeks. I've got time to think about it, right?"
>The minotaur look at each other
>....
>"Tomorrow. Just, think about it hard. Even if we don't win, it'll go a long way to helping you fit in if you just play."
"So no pressure, right?"
>"Well, I mean, I'll be disappointed in you if you don't help us win-"
"So no pressure, right?"
>Diamond chuckles. "Just...go wipe down some tables or something. Jerk."
"Mmhmm."
>The door chime breaks your silence, and as one the three of you look to see your first customer of the day
>"Anon! Yay, you're here!"
>Damn


"Helga."
>"Eeeeee Hi! I mean, uh, hey!"
>Helga pants heavily, propping herself on the door frame
>The girl must've run here from straight across town
>She coughs and composes herself. "A-are you open yet?"
>You sigh softly.
"Of course we are. You show up 7:30AM on the dot, every morning."
>"Anon!" Diamond whispers to you harshly, prodding your back. "Be nice to the sweet girl-"
>They don't know her
>She looks at you, chest heaving, a blush across her face
>Her eyes sparkle with hope and honest kindness-
>THEY DON'T KNOW THE REAL HER
"Would you like your usual booth?"
>"Y-yes please!"
>She follows you over to the booth closest to the kitchen
>For every other patron, the seat is a last-resort, due to the noise
>But for her, for SOME reason, it's the best seat in the house
>Surely it's not because you have to walk by it 20 times an hour to do your job
>surely not
"Well, here's a menu - I'll come back to check on you in a few, alright?"
>"You too."
>The smell of cooking eggs is slowly overpowered by the scent of marinara 
"Yes, well. Take your time, sugar."
>Muffled laughter echos from the kitchen
>Her ears perk up and you mentally slap yourself
>Damn you Elsa
>"O-o-okaay~"
>She slides behind the menu, and you do a forceful 180 and disappear back into the kitchen
>Elsa is trying to hold in her laughter, her frame shaking from the effort
"Don't you dare. I'll quit, I swear it."
>"S-s-sure th-thing" *cough* "M-must be th-the onions..."
>You walk over to the kitchen window, staring at your boss and Silver - who are CONSPIRING AGAINST YOU EVEN NOW
>You point at your eyes
>You point at them
>They hold up their hands in mock surrender
>The bell chimes again, and you make your way out of the kitchen
>Almost 100% certain you heard a soft "sugar~" before you left
>damn these cows
>"Hello? Oh! I know it's early, but, uh-"
"Sure thing, Ma'am. Booth or Bench?"
>"Oh! Uh, Bench is fine-"
>And so your day truly begins


>Eggs, sunny, toast, no butter, jam - Table 3
>Eggs, scrambled, peppers - green and hot, biscuit - Table 4
>Eggs....
>"Uhm...."
>.....eggs....
>You tap your pencil as Helga studies the menu
>Or tries to. I mean, she's been here every day for a few years - by now, she can recite it as good as you can
>But you had to suggest she surprise you
>And now... 5 minutes later...
"We were at eggs"
>"I-I have eggs."
>. . .
>You pause for a few moments for what she said to hit her
"I'll give you a few more minutes"
>An almost-silent scream escapes her lips as her face turns bright red, and you go to check on the rest of your tables
>Just... get the happy cow breakfast
>Who is she trying to kid?!
>Hell, we're almost thinking of renaming it the Happy Helga-
>"Oi, Anon"
"Mmm?"
>"Daydreaming?"
>You glare at Diamond as you make your way to Table 2
>He gives you the biggest shit-eating grin, and you're bout to retort
>But the door chimes
>And it's prime time when there's door chimes
"Welcome to the Diamond Diner, where our food sticks to your oh fuck..."
>"That sounds surprisingly kinky~! I'll take it!"
>"Oh! Greta! Over here!"
>Helga waves enthusiastically at your new customer
>You don't just force a smile on your face
>You hold it at knifepoint against the wall
"Oh... great... y-your tour of duty is already over...?"
>The brown tauress smiles, smoothing down her fur. "Why, yes! How the seasons fly by~! But thinking of you during those cold nights patrolling the badlands-"
>You swat away her hand as she reaches for you, and she just laughs
>"Still feisty! So that means I don't have to fight any other girls offa you?"
>"Nope! I kept tabs on him just like I promised!" Helga helpfully chimes in
>...from across the fucking diner
"Just... just sit down."
>"So you kept yourself pure for me~!? OH ANO-"
"SIT DOWN OR I'LL-"
>"Or you'll what, sweethea-"
>"Or I'll come out there with a hot griddle an' we'll see how well you fry!" a deep voice booms from the kitchen
>Table 7 now has 2 customers


>"Sooooooo-"
"No."
>"Aww, but you don't even know what I was go-"
"Look, unless you order food in the next 20 seconds, I'm going to put you both down for the Happy Cow and move on."
>"But Anooooooonnn~"
>You start to scribble on your notepad
"Two...happy-"
>A hand on your forearm stops you
>"Anon, ok, we got off on the wrong hoof-"
>You quirk your eyebrow as Greta continues. "But - but seriously, I'm happy to be back. I know Helga and I give you a hard time-"
>"Hey! I do not-"
>There's a sharp bang under the table, and Helga grimaces, her forehead slowly lowering to meet her coffee saucer
>"B-but we uh... I mean....I really did, uh-"
>You tilt your head slightly
>"And we - I mean, through letters, mind you, but - w-well, I know you're not a local, but- you're a local NOW, and-"
>Is... is she confessing her undying love to you?
>....fuck come on it's not even lunch and she's not drunk
>You let out a soft sigh as she continues to ramble - but soon you feel her grip tighten
>"W-woulditbeokifwecheeredyouonduringthefestival?"
>wait what
"What?"
>There's a silence as you stare at her
>She swallows, looking up at you
>. . .
>and she lets you go
>"N-nothing. Nevermind. J-just the usual would be fine. Sorry."
>You write down their orders
>Helga's been silent - well, mostly silent - throughout this whole exchange... and that means something's wrong
>Ugh. Fucking cow customs
"I'll...be back to check on-"
>"Yeah"
>Well then
>You turn on your heels and make your way into the kitchen
>And almost run into your boss
>"What was that out there?!" Diamond yell-whispers at you
"Ok, first - how the hell did you get back here -"
>"Jumped through the order window"
>You look at the small 1ft x 4ft window carved into the wall
"...that just raises more questions than it answers-"
>"That's not important! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?!"
>The whisperyelling is real
"What?! I don't - I don't even-"
>"The poor girl's out for months keeping us safe, on patrol-"
"Diamond, come on-"


>"No YOU come on! Look at her! Look at them!"
>He motions out the porthole windows, and you stare at the... two saddest cows you've ever seen
>Helga is staring at the wall instead of the doors, and Greta doesn't even... really seem to be looking at anything
>Just staring at the table - through it, really
"Ugh"
>"See that? Look at those faces-"
"Diamond, come on. I don't even get their fascination with me-"
>"Is it so hard to believe that you might be desirable to some minotauren? That someone may want to spend time with you, or date you?"
>You remain silent, and he continues
>"Look. I'm not saying you have to marry them, or that you need to go out there and give yourself bodily to them on the table-"
>"That's a health hazard, dear, and I'm not replacing table 3 again."
>You both turn towards Elsa, who humms softly to herself
>"....or even that you have to return their affections, but you at least need to give it a chance!"
"Give what a chance?"
>"Anon. The Socioball tournaments - like I said, that's how I met my first wife....?"
>He makes the circling motion with his hand, and you slowly put 2 and 2 together
>The dawning realization spreading across your face makes Diamond sigh. "Look, just... when you go out there again, give them their food-"
"But I don't even know if I'm going to play-"
>"-and say you'll think about it."
>You sigh
"Damnit. Fine, but if this shit goes pear shaped you're paying for it."
>"Anon, come on. Silver and I have been trying to get you out there for a while now, and an Army girl and a Milkmaid  - you could do worse."
>"Don't tempt him, dear." Elsa says, as the sounds of plating intensify
>"...for instance, you could marry a cook who ruins every moment you try to have with your bros."
>"Love you tooo~" the cook sings, laying two steaming happyface plates on the kitchen counter. "Order up for table 7. Name your first daughter after me, ok?"
>"NOT. HELPING." Diamond growls
"It's... look, it's fine. You're right."


>You pick up the plates, the heat not even registering 
>With your back to your two friends - who are alternating between making a very obnoxious kissy face and giving you an encouraging smile/pose combo, you make your way back into the main dining area
>And... uh.
>Wow, this is the first time that you've come out of the kitchen and they haven't moved
>The doors *whump* closed behind you, and they don't even flinch
>....ok this is officially a bit creepy
"Hey."
>They move their arms off the table
>You place the two happy-face breakfasts down infront of them
>"Thank you, sir." Greta responds, still not looking at you
>....ughfuckok
"Alright, this is ridiculous. Seriously?"
>You stand back up, crossing your arms
>Out of your periphery you see a silently-screaming Diamond being held back by his wife
>They both look up at you
>"S-sorry-"
"Helga, just, stop."
>She closes her mouth
>Only for Greta to pick up damage control
>"W-we, I, didn't mean any disrespect, sir... and it wa-"
>You hold your hand up to silence the girl
"....I'd.... appreciate it if-..."
>You sigh
>That's not right
"....you..."
>come on, words. Noncommittal, easy-to-let-them-down words
>You lick your lips
>Why are you so thirsty
>And was it always so hot right over here? I mean, you're near the kitchen, but damn
"I'd really enjoy-"
>No, damnit. NO. Wrong words
>But you see their ears perk up
>nooooo fucking come on brain do something
>I cannae' take th' awkward, cap'n
>damnit brain you're not even scottish how is this-
"I'd like it if you'd cheer for me."
>. . .
>You see their faces shift from despair, to incredulity, to barely-contained manic glee
>You, however, stop at incredulity, and make a bee-line right back to the kitchen
"Ohgodohgodohgodohgod-"
>"EEEEE YES~! I KNEW IT!"
>The cheers from table 7 are muffled by the closing *whump* of the double doors
>The chest-crushingly tight hug from your boss
>....and the soft, low laughter of his wife over the hot griddle


>So. You've learned how to get the day off of work:
>(1) Tell them it's your birthday
>or
>(2) Accept the confession of a cow
>So you find yourself for the first time in a long time wandering around town at noon with a sackful of coin
>...apparently you're supposed to take the day off and decompress, because
>And I'll quote here
>"Hell week starts tomorrow, teammate!"
>Which... just
>What have you gotten yourself into? Seriously.
>5 hours ago you didn't know if you were going to participate in Homoerotic Greek Wrestlemania 2.0
>Now you not only agreed, but have a dedicated cheering section
"...the gypsy was right. I'm going to die from a greased-up bull."
>Well. You figure you might as well go down swinging, and... ugh
>grab the bull by the horns
>which is why you find yourself in front of a gym
>GOLD'S GYM
>....fuck this place, seriously
>*t'ck*
>*clank*
>*THUD*
>The ground shakes slightly
>Well that's a reverberation you don't hear every day
>*t'ck*
>*clank*
>*THUD*
>You step into the gym, and instantly regret it for a few reasons
>Firstly, apparently this is a gym for powerlifters
>As in, every cow here is a slab of muscle
>Some of the bulls are, too
>....God you hope they put you in the kiddie league for this tournament
>A few of the ladies look at you, appraise you in a moment, and then go back to their sets
>....well fine, y-you too!
>Sucking in your gut, you look around for the source of the sou-
>Holy... fuck
>In the far corner, standing in front of a rack is probably one of the taller, larger cows you've seen
>She bends over and grips the bar
>As she tightens the grip, the metal makes an audible
>*t'ck*
>as the bar tenses against the weights. It looks like she's racked.... all of them
>In one swift movement, she squats and stands, then brings the bar up in a bicep curl
>*clank*
>It hits the rack, shaking it
>Just as fluidly, she drops the weight-
>*THUD*
>and the ground shakes
"Woah."


>"Mmm?"
>You start as she turns to look at you from the corner of her eyes
>Oh shit you walked up to her why would you do this
>You're not a tiny human, by any means
>You're *cough*ft *ahem*in tall, by Wisconsin's sake!
"Uh...h-hello?"
>But this Minotaur towers over you by a good 2 feet
>And she does not look pleased to be interrupted
>Of course you had to pick the biggest bitch in the jailhouse and talk to her
>Holyshitnigger.whatareyoudoing
>". . ."
"Oh! I, uh. Oh."
>You step back, and she watches you, silently
>But it's not a ... an angry stare
>Just one of annoyance and curiousity
>She prepares to lift again, her gaze alternating between the iron below her and you
>How about you STOP BEING A FUCKNUT AND SAY SOMETHING
"You're uh. Good at that."
>". . . Hmm."
>*t'ck*
>Brain why are you here?
>She's looking at you, and you can tell she's asking the same question
"I uh. I'm going to be participating in th-"
>*clank!*
>The rack shakes slightly
"th-the uh, S-stone... fest-"
>*THUD*
>She inhales deeply
>Then exhales slowly
>....why are you here, Anon?
>Did you expect to git gud suddenly?
>You could go from benching a couple plates of food to a couple hundred pounds in a day?
>That your problems would magically just get fixed in 30 minutes or less?
>Fuck's sake, man
>LOOK AT YOU
>LOOK AT WHERE YOU ARE
"I'm uh. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you - I can see that you're busy, it's just-"
>She turns her head and looks at you once more
>That look... 
>It's the same look a tall person gets when they're asked if they play basketball
>or an asian gets when you assume they know math
>or an iraqui child gets when you ask them what they want to be when they grow up
>. . . fine, know what? fuck it.
>Her eyebrow quirks
>oh shit... you said that outloud
"....no, fuck it. I came in here because you're lifting so much iron that I could feel it outside. What the actual fuck?!"
>She smirks, turning to face you


"How is that even physically possible?"
>She shrugs, making sure to flex as she does so
>... coy bitch
"Just... ok. Look. I'm not a Mino, I'm assuming you can tell that much. But I've just been... drafted into this Stone Pumpkin festival."
>Shit you're rambling, Anon
>Get it together
"And, well... I mean... I look the way I do, and they-"
>You tilt your head to some of the bulls who are preoccupied with flexing, yet still have rippling muscles
"Just... I'm going to get creamed. I'm not under any impressions that I can like... be like them in 2 months."
>"Hm."
"No, seriously. I'm not deluded. But...can you help me at all so I don't get massacred?"
>". . ."
>She just looks at you, eyebrows knit together
>This is the first time you've ever seen a Minotaur give the "dis nigga srs" face, but, lo and behold here you are
"I...I have money. All my money, uh."
>You awkwardly pull out your money pouch and thrust it forward
>Months of having this done to you by Helga gives you perfect form, and the Tauress grabs the bag of coins on reflex
"... just...if you want to. If not, I'm sorry for bothering you, but-"
>"Ok."
>She sounds like a tired, female James Earl Jones
"-alright I figured that... uh wait, what?"
>She nods and places your bag between her, uh. Ample bosoms.
>Did I mention your head is chest height? 
>Oh hey brain thanks for reminding me
>No prob Anon, I KNEW I'd remember why I brought you here
>...cheeky fuck
"So, uh, do we start now, or-"
>She smiles and hums softly
>....right you just came from work
>Smelling of eggs and coffee, in a semi-work uniform...
>NOT the best workout attire
"-right. Tomorrow morning? Uh. 8AM?"
>She shakes her head
"...7?"
>The look of disappointment is real
"Ugh ok 6. Fuck. Here I thought I'd get to sleep in-"
>That deep, soft hum again
"Here?"
>She shakes her head
"Uh... my place?"
>She nods
"...you know where my place - know what, I'm not even going to ask. Just. 6AM, Outside. Got it. So, see you tomorrow?"
>She smiles


>Well. You're making all the great life choices right now
>First, you basically accept the confession of two stalkers who can... well. Out /fit/ you any day of the week
>Then you take your boss', and I'll quote here, "Anon's finally gettin' some" fund and spend it all on a half-mute freak minotaur
>For "training"
>...Is she a qualified trainer? 
>eh
>is she a health professional who can make sure you don't overwork yourself?
>haha no
>....fuck. You're gonna die
>You're gonna die with a 5 ton barbell crushing your ribs while some giant mute handwaves at you to suck it up and rise above it
>Oh hey you made it to the bar
>"How about now, Brown Cow?" is a bar with a very saucy minotaur giving you the eyebrows as their mascot
>Brings in the ladies, but does nothing for you
>In fact, you wouldn't even know of this place if it wasn't for the fact that, well...
>...you're a cheap drunk
>As in, you never have to pay a dime if you play your cards right
>The bell chimes as you walk into the empty bar
>Damn. No patrons. This means you're paying for your own drinks
>Ah well. Par for the course today
>"We're closed and you have a problem!" a voice yells from the back
"Fuck you too, sunshine!"
>"Anon? Damnit, boy - "
>A speckled minotauress pokes her head out from the back door. "Wh - what are you even DOING here? It's not Bulls' night tonight..."
"Honestly, I don't even know anymore."
>You flip over a barstool and sit down, brushing off some dust from the bar
>She narrows her eyes and breaks out a blue-ribbon winning grin. "That sounds like someone looking for employment! I knew you'd come arou-"
"Mabel, please. Can I just get a coffee?"
>"...you didn't get fired, did you? Diamond doesn't seem like the kinda guy to-"
"No, not that... nothing so easy."
>"...oh. Should I break out the Guate-baaa-lan blend? The goats dropped it off earlier this week..."
"Please."
>With a sigh the matron fully steps out from her back office/storeroom/impromptu sex dungeon


>The silence is broken by the sounds of coffee being prepared, of small fires being stoked to life, of water being poured and reaching a boil
>The cows here made their coffee more like.... well, like any good seattle purist
>Which is way too fucking complicated with way too many steps
>But the end result was always good
>Black, with some salt and butter added
>Cream is "optional" in the way that "paying for your tab" is optional
>*tok*
>The mug feels warm i-
>"Anon I'd appreciate it if you'd stop narrating everything you're experiencing. And if you don't like cream, just say no."
>You frown and narrow your eyes at your hos-
>"Anon. Seriously, what's wrong. You haven't acted like uh... Day-vid at'em...blast it, what was his name?"
"David Attenborough"
>"Him. Since you first came here and thought we couldn't hear your, and I'll quote, 'strange and lilting tongue'."
>You grin and take a sip
>"Though, I haven't heard any gossip of a cow experiencing your strange and lilting tongue either-"
>You cough violently
>"Aaah."
"Sh-*cough*-shutup. That was mean."
>"So is getting me to give you free coffee and listen to your problems at 1PM, and yet here we are."
"Hey! I am a delicate and rare little flower-"
>"So you're saying you want to be grazed? I can arrange some pri-"
"Damnit woman. I'm going to die."
>Mabel stops mid sentence, staring at you
"...well. Not DIE-die, but-"
>"Oh come on, Anon. What's eating you?"
>You look away, mumbling softly
>"I'm sorry?"
"...flmblscpt'd-"
>"If I have to ask again I'm charging 20 bits a cup-"
"OK! Damn. I uh. I accepted Helga and Greta's... cheerleading for the festival."
>Mabel smiles, slapping the counter. "Well, ain't that a sweet thing! I'm gonna hav-"
"And then hired a trainer to help me get fit for the big day-"
>"Awww, talking like a Bull at his wedding! Making sure to look good for your girls infront of the town - why, those charmers! I can'-"
"...my trainer's the big cow at Gold's Gym."
>Why do you suddenly feel cold?


>A hand reaches over yours, squeezing softly
>"Anon, honey, look at me. You mean THE big cow, right?"
>You look at her and nod
>Mabel sighs. "...of all the things to do - Anon, she's a CHAMPION LIFTER. THAT'S ALL SHE DOES-"
"I know, I know-"
>"Holy shit, boy, she's not even allowed to participate in the same events we do because she'll injure her opponents - or KILL them-"
"I know! Ok, I know! I just walked by, my feet led me to her, and then I just awkwarded my way into asking her to train me!"
>You look up into Mabel's eyes
"She knows where I live, Mabel. SHE FUCKING ALREADY KNOWS WHERE I LIVE."
>She purses her lips
>"....Think we can just change your name?"
"To what, Incognito? Please."
>"Cover you in ash or mud and sneak you away?"
"One, this isn't 1920's America, and two, that's not a permanent solution."
>"Stage your death?"
"I already handed her all my bits. Can we get those back somehow?"
>"Shit, I'm not going to ask her for your money-"
"Well then, I'm a bit screwed, now aren't I?"
>"You seem to be walking just fine-"
"I mean, what can I do?!"
>Mabel nods her head a few times, then walks back to her back office
"...I mean, really. That wasn't some rhetorical question, yanno."
>"Well. From what I can tell, you've accepted two stalkers into your life and then went to the nearest gym, saw the biggest fuck-off Cow we've got, and somehow talked her into training you."
>You know, hearing it from someone else...
>...really affirms that you're a dumb fucking bastard
"So?"
>"So?! So from what I can tell, if you make those kinda choices often it's a miracle you've lived this long. I say embrace it - cause you sure as tartarus aren't getting away from it."
>Your head gently hits the counter
"Ugh....fuck."
>"Mmm, I'd say you've done that to yourself already."
>And today was going to be such a good day


"Ugh, come ON, Bluebelle!"
>Your breath comes out in hot steam, the soft hum of the cooler quickly eating up your target's reply grunt, the fluff of her overcoat blowing furiously in the artificial breeze
>Your boss smirks at you as she continues to deliberately take her SWEET ASS TIME preparing your run
>Come on, everytauren knows that you've got Anon's route!
>Look at all those prepared bottles already! Just give me my 4 dozen and leave me be!
>It's damn near 5:30 - he's gonna be up in an hour, and you want to make sure to-
>*tink*
>another bottle is sloooooowly placed in your bag
>"Well.. if I didn't know any better, I'd say you had somewhere to be. Now, who in their right mind would want to harass a milkmaid on her route at fiv-"
>You frown
"Come on. You're messing with me, and I get it, but please - really, please. This is important-"
>"It's important today? It's important *every day*. I know you don't give a damn about the job-"
"Hey, I do too!"
>"No, because you do your route in reverse. Why is today any more important than any other day, hmmmm~?"
>The old cow grins that alfalfa-eating grin of hers, and you scowl
>"Well. If there's no reason, I don't see why I can't finish preparing Greta and Daisy's bags first~"
>You remain silent
>Don't let the gossip at work start
>Don't feed the rumor mill
>Everyone knows you've got a crush, fine, just let it b-
>"....and I'll also make sure to take that extra bottle you've got in your coat-"
"N-noooo-"
>You clutch your pocket tightly
>Nobody's gonna get your special reserve! That's for Anon only!
>"Well. Then you can sit your rawhide little ass down and stop harassing me for the first bag! Cows these days, no resp-"
"Fine!"
>Bluebelle stops and leans over the counter
>"Well?"
>You swallow as you feel the temperature rise
>F-fuck was it always this hot in the cooler?
>You screw your eyes shut
"H-he said yes. F-for the festival."
>Your breath comes out in hot steam
>Silence
>*tinktinktinktink-*


>You open your eyes to see Bluebelle scowl, filling your bag up quick
>... has she ever moved this fast in her life?!
>"Damnit you bull-headed ox! If you'd've just told me earlier I could've had you out the door by now-"
"W-wait, wha-"
>"Of COURSE I want to help! Damnit, he's a cutie-"
"Hey!"
>"-and you really need to get laid-"
>Your throat goes a bit dry
"Th-that's not here or th-"
>Bluebelle laughs. "Girl you're so thirsty you'd drink your own milk! Besides-"
>She leans over the counter as she hefts your bag ontop of it, the weight making a hearty *thud* as it lands
>"-I've got 50 bits riding on you. Any chance you can ride 'em after the festival?"
>Blood rushes both up and down your body
>Gritting your teeth and tensing your legs, you grab your bag
"Th-That is horribly un-I ju- I'm gonna file a complaint!"
>"Bah, don't deny an old girl her vices! Come on, if you can, I'll split it with you 50/50-"
>You spin on your hoof and march out the door
>"Ok, 60/40! That's enough to take him anywhere in town! Seventy/Thi-"
>The door shuts on your pervy boss, and you breathe in the warm air
>Fuck the cooler
>Fuck that frozen cow
>Stomping your legs, you check the time - 5:40. Damn.
>You'll have to doubletime it if you want to make it to Anon's to greet him!
>And in a flash, you start running down the cobbled streets, the loud *tak* of your hooves on the stones the only sound to keep you company
=====
>Rolling your shoulders, you grin as the sun just starts to peek up over the horizon
>Your back is strong, your bag is light, and you've got 2 very frosty glasses for your new bullfriend~
>You silently squeal in delight-
>No. Cheer. Yes. Much more feminine. You cheer in delight.
>Ok ok ok. It's gotta be around... 6:15. 6:20 at most - so you're gonna be fine
>Your hooves dig into the softer dirt of the suburbs as you make your way to your little snuggle-wuggle-sweet-cream-
>FFFFF STOP THIS
>But you can't. The grin on your face is just too sweet
>First today, th-


>th-...then...
>then who th' FUCK is this?!
>Standing infront of your NEW BULLFRIEND'S HOUSE is this... uh
>well if you weren't so angry you'd describe her as a "solid wall of beef" but
>She's in short shorts and a running top and this is NO good
>Only one stalker group per male! That's the rules!
>...they're not written down anywhere but still!
>You slow down your trot and wipe the genuine smile off your face
>It's replaced with something much more bitter and horrible than a frown, or a scowl
>It's [spoiler]the smile of a professional being forced to interact with the public[/spoiler]
"Good morning, miss!"
>She tilts her head at you, but says nothing
>Your cheek twitches slightly
"Well, what brings you here today?"
>She shrugs and continues to wait by the door
>. . .
>Oh this bitch thinks you're just gonna deliver and go?!
>Nuh uh
>Time to make this awkward as tartarus
>You stand right next to her, your bag slung professionally over your shoulder[spoiler], strap between your breasts for reasons[/spoiler]
>No eye contact, no conversation
>Just stare at that door
>Totally not intimidated because she's taller than you
>Nope
>.... You straighten up slightly
>There. Now you're just above tit-level. Maybe. If you tilt your head back and go from muzzle hei-
>Look, doesn't matter! DOES NOT MATTER.
>You sigh deeply, and the danger stranger crosses her arms
>He said yes to you. Not to her. She could be here for any reason at all!
>Infront of your bullfriend's house
>early in the morning with no witnesses
>....dressed in skimpy clothing that gives a wide range of movemen-
"So... I can't deliver if you're still here - j-just have to make sure there's no tampering with the eviden- with the milk-"
>Dangit why hasn't Anon replaced his daisies?! you always get snacky when you're nervous
>She hums
>"Then you wait. And we'll leave."
>Oh hell no
"Th'FUCK did you just say?!"
>She shrugs
>You realize something as you drop your bag
>You're gonna go to jail today


>She turns to face you, her brow knit together in confusion
>Get the fuck outta here!
>You get right up in her face
"Look, I don't know WHO you are, but you gotta get outta here right now-"
>"No."
"Fuck you! I'm going to report you as a stalker if-"
>"He paid"
"Us-shit!"
>You lean forward, filled with righteous anger
>Somewhere in the back of your mind, you realize this is not gonna end well
"I don't care if stalking innocent bulls makes you feel [spoiler]feta[/spoiler] about yourself, but you [spoiler]gouda[/spoiler] get out of here! He's [spoiler]nacho[/spoiler] bullfriend, and-"
>She frowns at you and places her hands on her hips, leaning back against you
>You almost topple from the off-balanced weight
>Almost
>"Just leave me [spoiler]brie."[/spoiler]
>You hear what sounds like a muffled "ayyyy lmao" but it doesn't register
"I don't care what type of awful [spoiler]muenster[/spoiler] you're trying to come off as, but I'm [spoiler]cheddar[/spoiler] than you'll ever be! And I'll fight you right here, right now!"
>She hums, grinning that fucking stupid grin of hers. [spoiler]"Havarti, if you can."[/spoiler]
"SWING AND YOU'LL [spoiler]SWISS[/spoiler], BITCH"
>You spread your arms wide just as that weird muffling sound gets really loud

-----
>You are Anon
>And it is pre-coffee o'clock
>So you have many questions
>Why is your, uh. Cheerleader/milkmaid swan-diving into your personal trainer's chest?
>Why are they angrily trading cheese puns?
>Why are neither of them apparently wearing bras?
>Why does the mailmaid never deliver to your house anymore?
>You sigh as you look at your phone alarm
>https://youtu.be/XUhVCoTsBaM
"You understand me, don't you AC/DC?"
>"I'll [spoiler]Mont Blanc[/spoiler]-you out!"
>Yeah. Gonna be one of those days.

>This mountian of moo stares down at you
>But you don't even care - you've already made up your mind that you're going to jail today
>Be a cow, girl
>Gritting your teeth, you tense up to swi-
>*tonk tonk tonk*
"M-mooo-"
>"Moo..oo..."
>Who in Labarynthia would be using the sacred cowbell outside of spri-
>"So, uh... I guess that got your attention?"
>Both of you turn and look at Anon, who's standing there in a robe a-and his boxers...
>...
"H-hi."
>"Hi. Why are you, uh... assaulting each other?"
>Ok time to be the white hoplite here and save the day!
"Well, I was here delivering milk - as I'm SUPPOSED TO - when I noticed this stalker-"
>You hear a huff beside you, but you continue anyway
"-was just waiting outside your house to snatch you away! Possibly t-to a secluded, abandoned quarry, w-where all sorts of things could happen! There could be ropes! A-and curds!"
". . ."
>Anon looks up at the stalker, knitting his brows
>Aww, he's having himself a thought! That's ador-
>"Did you try asking her why she was outside of my house?"
"I uh...kinda?"
>"And did you respond?"
>". . . ."
>Mystery Beef Mountain looks away shyly
>HA
>IN YOUR FAC-
>"So, instead of trying to talk it out - or just waiting for me to come out, seeing as how it would be lunacy to kidnap me with a witness - you decided to, uh... fight? That was a fight, right?"
>Wow, the ground sure is interesting
>It's like. Gravel, but more hard-packed into the dirt itself
>Huh, I wonder if I can move a rock with my hoof-
>Anon sighs, placing his welcome-to-labarynthia commemorative cowbell on the ground
>"Alright, let me... just. Get ready for the day. You both can come in - if you're not going to fight!"
>He grins as he folds his arms. "That's just not the [spoiler]whey[/spoiler] we do things around here."
>Both of you groan

>. . .
>You're staring at her
>And she's staring at you
>And you're staring at her
>And she's star-
>"So, uh. While the toast cooks... I never did get your name, even though you agreed to help me."
"Help you with wh-"
>"Brunhilda."
>"Well, Brunhilda, it's a pleasure to meet you properly!" Anon smiles from the counter as he pulls down a few mugs. "I take it you're not a woman of many words, so-"
"Help you with what?"
>"Sorry."
>"Oh, there's nothing to be sorry about. I'm guessing you're more of an introvert - and uh...so.. coffee, though?"
>The heifer hussy nods
>"Alright, I'll get a po-"
"Help you with whaaaaaaaat~"
>Anon looks at you and you give him the biggest poutyface you can possibly manag-
>He quickly looks away
>jackpot
>"Sh-she's uh, helping me train. For Socioball."
>. . .
>The toaster oven dings cheerily
"SHE'S WHAT?!"
>Anon raises his hands. "Woah woah woah, hey, calm down!"
"I AM CALM!"
>"Stop yelling, then. Damn."
>You sit back down, pouting hard
>Oooh you're gonna pout forever
>"I just. After I said yes to having you two cheer for me-"
>At this, Brunhilda perks up a bit, staring at you with... 
>You don't know
>But you don't like it
>"- I realized who I was going to be up against. And to be honest, I'm not exactly in the best shape possible. So, I found the cow who is in the best shape-"
>At this, she smiles
>You however, suck in your gut
>Just a little bit
>.... it's fluff, not fat! OK?! YOU HAVE A THICK AND LUXURIOUS COAT-
>"-to help me train so I can not be the bitch of the team. It's not that big a deal!"
>Anon goes back to preparing a pot of coffee - or whatever, you don't know
>You haven't cooked breakfast for yourself in what seems like years
>. . .
>She's staring at you
>And you're staring at her

>You are Anon
>Again
>And you can cut the tension in your kitchen with a size 4 butterknife
>...fuck you need to get out more, you actually know the different sizes of butterkni-
>The pot begins to rumble, and that's your cue
>Quickly taking it off the heat, you dump in your grounds and stir it up
>Damn pre-industrial/post-industrial weird-ass tech-tree civilizations
>Sure, you have flashbulb cameras and jumbotrons
>But an automatic coffee maker is BEYOND you
>Ah well. Time to fix this with awkwardness and food!
"So, coffee's almost done - does anyone want toast?"
>Helga raises her hand
>Brunhilda raises the opposite hand
>Arm wrestling? 
>Wanting food?
>....why are they just flexing at each other?
"Okaay... so two for toast. Neat. Butter?"
>"Who made it?" Brunhilda rumbles
"Uh. Come again?"
>"Yeah I will, babe." Helga retorts
>. . .
>Gonna just, let that one hang out there
>Collect the toast, lay them out in a spiral pattern, butter bell in the center with jam-
>Fucks' sake, this is your house not at work
>Yet, serving cows, so your muscle memory kicks in
>The plates hit the table with the sound of porcelain-on-wood, snapping them out of their tit-waving contest
"So...shall I get the cream?"
>For some reason Helga goes bright red
>"I-I uh, I mean, i-if you want-"
>"Who made it?" Brunhilda rumbles again, reaching for the toast
>Once again, on muscle memory you flick the back of her hand, and she retracts it
"Really, what in the hell are you talking about?"
>Brunhilda looks at Helga with a ... look
>Helga's got her ears splayed back and-
"There's something that I'm not being told, is there?"
>"N-noooo..."
"You know honesty is the foundation of any-"
>"It's alright. No cream, thanks."
>Oh, well then
>You sit down at the table, and there's another look shared between the girls
>But this one seems less... antagonistic?
>Whatever
"So, did you bring my delivery today?"
>"Aah!? I uh, y-ye-"
>You chuckle
"Well?"
>Once again, two frosty-cold bottles are placed on your table
>Once again, you must choose
>And choose wisely
>Staring at Helga, you reach for the one on the right
>. . . .
>the one on the left?
>. . .
>Right? 
>Damn pokerface
"Seriously, though. I know you make one of these 'special', but - what does that even mean?"
>You miss Brunhilda's eyes popping open, her head slowly tilting to the side as she stares at Helga
>"I-i-i-it just h-has moo-more cream th-than the other-"
"So..."
>"S-so it's a premium product. I-I'm not supposed t-to... take them..."
"Oh. Well, look, don't... I mean, I know you've been sweet on me for a while, as Diamond would say, but don't do anything that would jeopardize your job. Is it the right one?"
>She nods
>Without a word you uncap the top
>...hey, actually, this does look a bit thicker
"Well! If you don't mind-"
>"hhh~*" Helga rasps
>Aww, that's adorable. Yes, I accept your gift, little tauress.
>Man if she's like this every time she gives you something...
>The cool, thick cream goes down your throat quite easily
"~ah! Hey, that actually wasn't too bad!"
>You lick your lips, getting rid of that milk mustache
"So... uh..th..the toast?"
>Both of your guests are bright red
"...are you two hot or-"
>"YES."
>"WINDOWS PLEASE"
>Hofuk ok already damn

>They didn't touch their breakfast at all
>Fuckin' did all that work for nothing
>"Bad before a workout"
>"Oh, I'm just so used to my Happy Cow, I can't-"
>But that didn't stop them from encouraging you to drink the entire bottle and "eat up"
>Bitches
>Ah well. Cold Toast for dinner or something
>"S-so... so I'll see you at work?"
"Probably. We're staring a bit late today, but the idea is to work out and then go to work-"
>"R-right, right. Well, uh. S-see you then?"
"Yes, Helga. I'll be there for the same shift I'm always at. I'll see you then."
>You smile and wave at her, and she responds in kind
>"Ok! Y-you too!"
>She's still standing there
>infront of your walkway
>....just smiling and wa-
"Ok, so. Brunhilda - where to?"
>"Gym."
"You don't have to be so chatty, you know."
>There's a single chuckle before you feel a hand on your back, pushing you gently forward
>Gah. Size differences
>Why must you be a perpetual manlet now?!
>You two begin to walk into town, and you fail to notice that her hand lowers slowly, resting on the small of your back instead


"Uh... sooo...."
>She looks down at you with a soft smile as you try to break the ice
"What's the plan? How do we get me fit for the festival?"
>She does this weird one-arm hug, gently smushing you against her side
>Fuck are tits supposed to be that firm?
>Leaning back to make eye contact with her, she winks. "First, we see where you are. Then we find where you can be."
"Uh...thanks?"
>You knit your eyebrows together, but she's not volunteering anything else
>That wink was far too conspiratorial for your liking
>There is something afoot - or ahoof, if you were an autist
>And it's roundabout this time that you find yourself near the gym
>Some other tauresses are milling about, but whatever they were doing stops when you get within talking distance
>They're just
>looking at you
>You half-smile and wave, and a few of them wave back slowly
[spoiler]>You completely miss the shit-eating grin Brunhilda has as she nods to the other gym rats[/spoiler]
>Once inside, she makes a beeline for a tall, jagged metal triangle thing, quickly preparing it for your smaller size
>Hefting the bar from around her shoulder height.... down....down....
>Tfw forever manlet
>A few other cows set up shop around you - it's obvious that they're not working out, they're just "working out"
>Hmm
>I mean.... I guess there's no guys here....
>oh shit
>you're the gym bunny
>You groan softly as you realize that you're in the meat market now
>You try to break the silence as Brunhilda starts racking weights for you
"So...not that I don't appreciate this, but I figured that our working out would be outside the gym."
>A few of the minos blush as they do their reps, but you pay them no mind
>"First we test, then we train."
"Ugh, fine. But don't have such high expectations of me-"
>You reach out and touch her arm as she reaches for another plate
>Yeah. 3 on each side is fine, thanks
>She hums, looking you up and down, before shrugging. "Is fine, then. Please."

>Stepping away, she motions to the machine
>You nod at the machine
>She stares at you
>You smile
>. . .
>She sighs. "Never been in a gym?"
"Nope!"
>She looks at you with a mix of adoration and disappointment
>"You squat. Put bar on shoulders, take off rack, squat. I'll spot."
>Oh
"Oh."
>Well then. As pappy Enigma once said, [spoiler]"glutes for the sloots".[/spoiler]
>What a c.uck
>You slide in infront of Brunhilda - for some reason she didn't move out of your way, forcing you to really push against her to get into position
>Maybe she's just making sure to be there in case something happens with the weights
>Yeah
>Aaaand a little bend and a wiggle and -
>Your shoulders connect with the cold steel bar, and you lift with your legs - hands gripping the bar tightly - as you lift it ooOHHHHOOOOGGGHH
>FUCK this has to be at least 5 pounds
>At LEAST
>You put your feet shoulder width apart, but feel a pair of hands rest on your sides
>"It's ok, it's ok. I'm here" a hot breath coos into your ear
>You swallow
"O-ok, so-"
>"Down." Brunhilda says sweetly, but with an undercurrent of authority
>You obey
>She moves down with you and you - 
"Ooh! I ah-"
>"It's ok." She says as her hips rest against your own. "Down."
>The two of you move down in tandem
>Holy shit everything burns
>She's squatted with you, her legs outside your own, her arms now wrapped around your waist
>For... that core...protection. Yeah.
>Oh who are you fooling
>Fuck
>Mind distracted, you almost miss the "Up" command.
>Almost
>But your body obeys, and with a grunt you lift
>As you come to an almost complete stand you feel her tug your waist, holding you just outside of locking your legs
>"One." She says, smile evident in her voice.
>Yep
>You gon' get raped

>Your first training day goes along just like this
>Weight training
>Very intimate spotting
>The bench press was the worst - she just...
>You blush hard as you remember how she just stood over your head while she spotted you
>You were forehead deep inbetween her leg-
>"Order up, Anon! Table 7!"
"Uuuuggghhhh-"
>You are emotionally and physically drained
>It's obvious Brunhilda likes you - either, yanno. Carnally, or just to see how flustered she can get you
>The answer is: very
>Fighting whyboners while every cow looks at you do leg curls is just the worst possibl-
>"Anon! Anon, if you're daydreaming I'm putting you on break!"
"No, I'm here, fuck. Just, give me a momen-"
>"Look, don't give me that. This is the middle of the breakfast rush - anyway, it's about time you got off your flank and got healthy-" your Boss starts, washing some of the dishes to quickly have them plated again
"I wouldn't... be so unhealthy. You food. Eeehhh."
>"Wow. No snarky response? Your trainer, she's good - she eats for free from now on."
>You have enough energy to give Elsa the finger, which she laughs at, before taking up your order
>Table 7 - wait
>You look at the two happy cows on your serving tray
>Nonono. You're not mentally prepared for this
>"Go!"
>Fuck
>Plastering on the Customer-Facing-Smile(tm) honed through years of retail work, you back out through the double doors-
>"Oooh, Breakfast and a show~"
>You mentally groan as Helga giggles, Greta letting out a wolf whistle
"Come on, fuck off with that-"
>"I'll fuck off with someth-"
"I have scalding hot coffee and piping hot eggs just waiting to be spilled on some unsuspecting heifer-"
>"-thing wonderful to tell you how good you look and how wonderful you sound and I'm just so happy that you're here and safe and cute and-"
>Eh. Greta pulled out of her nosedive, 5/10 too obvious


>You slide your two... cowfriends? Cheerleaders? Girlf-
>"Hey Anon! Did you know that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?!" Helga beams at you
>-two idiots their food and place the tray under your aching arm
>Your subconsious wince doesn't go without notice
>"Hey... you ok?" Greta asks, eyebrow quirked
"Yeah, just exhausted. Helga told you I'm getting trained?"
>"HHMMHMMM" Helga smiles, mouth full of eggs
"Yeah, so. Just...very intensive workout. Very rough."
>"Well. Just - don't overdo it, alright?"
"I won't. First day is always the worst, right?"
>"Right."
>A silence falls on the table
>It's not...bad, per se
>Just comfy
"I'm going to go check on some other tables-"
>"Y-yeah! I'll, uh. Thanks for the food."
>You smirk
"No problem. You are paying for it, after all."
>"Shutup. I can pretend you made it for me, full of love and warmpth an-"
>"I MADE IT FOR YOU WITH CONSTERNATION AND GUMPTION." a voice bellows from the kitchen
>As one the two of them drone out "Thanks, Elsa~"
>"STOP FLIRTING WITH THE HELP AN-Oww! Dear!"
>You groan as Diamond shuts up his wife - thankfully - and you make your rounds again
>All the while you keep thinking
>Should I tell them now? Should I try to diffuse it myself?
>You don't mind flirting - now that you're starting to get used to it, it's nice
>But
>Helga and Greta aren't... on the same page as Brunhilda
>And this could blow up in your face if you're not mature about this
>The last thing you want is some damn street confrontation
>Brunhilda can probably bend iron and your cheerleaders are an adorable idiot and a combat-trained idiot, respectively
>That would just end in bloodshed
>Yeah. You're gonna nip this in the bud tomorrow.

"Hey."
>"Mmmm?" Table #7 says in unison, looking up at you
>In retrospect - and retrospect being "the entirety of this shift" you've been thinking about how to break the information to your... uh. cowfriends?
>You wince internally at the name, but whatever
>Long story short, it makes more sense to tell them *now*, than to have another questionable training morning and cement that kinda behaviour as "ok"
>But... you can't just come out and say it
>So, this is why you're standing at Table #7 as your morning shift ends, trying to talk to your two best customers
"I was thinking-"
>"Is that why you were frowning? Are you hurt?" Helga asks with actual concern in her voice
>damnit woman
"-n-no. Just. What do you two have planned for the rest of the day?"
>Greta hums. "Well, probably get settled into my base house, make some rounds for some stuff I need - pull some things out of storage, the usual - but nothing important. Helga?"
>She smiles widely. "Nothing at all!"
>You chuckle
"Lucky. Well, I'm off here soon as well..."
>They look at you with a smile
>You return it
>. . .
>Your cheek starts to twitch
>Damnit you're trying to play into the whole theme of the joint, here:
>[spoiler]Reversed Gender Roles[/spoiler], of course
"...and I'm not really doing anything else for the rest of the day..."
>They nod, smiling at you
>"Well that's good! Resting is important after a hard day's work!" Helga chirps, reaching for her mug of hot cocoa
>She always orders the damn thing instead of coffee - because, and I quote here, 'it reminds me of how sweet you are'
>. . .
>"TAKE THE BOY OUT TO LUNCH!" Elsa bellows from the back, and the three of you jump slightly
>Only slightly
>... ok so you spent the next few moments picking up your tray and reciepts from the ground


>Greta laughs. "W-well why didn't you say so! Dangit, Anon, you don't have to play coy with u-"
>You stand up as Helga kicks her partner in crime under the table
>"Ssssh! We're playing the most dangerous game!" She stagewhispers, before turning to you. "So, uh... well, I know you're around food all day, but would you like to go out for lunch? Our treat, of course."
>Did...ok, know what? Just ignore everything that happened
"Yes, I'd love to go. Give me a few minutes to clean up and I'll be out."
>Her eyes sparkle with barely-contained glee, shimmering like the innocent hope of a child
>"Eeeeeeee-"
>Yeah ok enough of that shit you're about to clock out and you'll be damned if you spend any extra time at work
>AKA unpaid bullshittery time
>You push through the doubledoors to the kitchen, Elsa humming happily
>"Gonna be an auntie~ doo doo dooo, gonna be an auntie thanks to nonnie-poo~"
"This is harassment, you know."
>"Mmm, take it up with MR."
"...MR?"
>"Minotaur Resources, AKA, My husband, who's actually out buying matching booties for our calves."
"I...I need to get out of here."
>Quickly you pull your apron off, hanging it over an errant peg
>"The feeling of the walls closing in on you is called commitment, Anon! Embrace it~!"
* * *
>So, you are still Anon
>And it's actually a beautiful day
>You missed the "wild" weather that Equestria stops at their borders
>So to see errant wisps of cloud and a clear blue sky...
>Kinda makes this feel more like home
>"S-so... well...you can have anything you want!"
>You look back down at the food truck's menu, smiling softly
>The plan was originally to take you out on a whirlwind bacchinalian feast, giving you all the finest things their homeland can offer
>When they realized how much things they can't pronounce cost, the new idea was to have a nice lunch at an outdoor cafe
>....when they realized payday was NEXT friday, you found yourself here
>At the most romantic...food cart possible.


>The Minotauress at the counter is nice, though, if not a little impatient
"So... can I get the poutine, then? But replace hay fries with... uh... do you do potato?"
>"We can. Medallions or strips?"
"Strips - like fries?"
>"Heh. New diet fad?" She asks, but before you can answer she leans back, barking your order to the chef.
>"12 bits for the lot of ya. The cutie eats free, though~"
>"Thanks!" Helga beams, forking over her payment. "But I'm spoken for, sorry!"
>The counter mino looks at you with... a mixture of pity and 'you can do better'
>You mouth softly 'I know'
>Greta stands at attention next to you
>In that awkward I'm-close-but-not-too-close kinda way
"Uhm... so... I guess we'll just chill at the park until it's ready?"
>"S-sure!"
>...somebody's nervous
"Do you want to... come with me?"
>"Imma wait here - you two get a good seat!"
>You tilt your head and look at this section of the park's one bench
"Sure thing..."
>You start walking, motioning for Greta to join you
>And she's... close-but-not-too-close-but-we're-together-but-not
"Is...is something wrong?"
>"N-no! Am I not being a perfect gentlecow? I-uh, I don't know if I can pull out a park bench or, uh-"
>You turn and flop down on the bench, manspreading slightly
>That's right - in public, what
>IDGAF
>She sits exactly 6 inches from you
>....oh
"You know... you can touch me, right?"
>The 'invincible border guard', 'army danger ranger', 'the best from the west' soldier infront of you is sporting an impressive blush - so much so that it looks like it's taken over the whole face and has creeped down the neck somewhat
>"Hah... I uh... y-yes, bu-well, ah-"
>this is painful
"Am I your first boyfriend?"
>"N-NO!" she pouts, looking at you with moist eyes
>mmhmmoksureahuhalrightokIgotchauhuhibelievethatok
>You scoot over a bit, letting your side rest against hers, your outer thigh - SCANDALOUS - pressing against hers
>She fidgets with her hands


"If you'd like, I can... put my arm around you -"
>"Wh - uh, n-no!"
"Ok, well?"
>Slowly she reaches over and drapes her arm over your shoulders
>You study her face intently - and notice that soon, she can't stop smiling
>Awh
>You feel slightly tingly all over
>So this is what it's like to be a waifu
>No... a guyfu
>Nice!
>Now, how to bring up a subject that will utterly destory this mood in the least-damaging way possible?
>You lean back slightly against her muscled arm - it's suprisingly comfy - and stare at the clouds, thinking
>You feel her pull you slightly towards her, and you offer no resistance
>Now your view is a bit tilted
>So THIS is what it's like to rest on a shoulder
>huh.
>You see Helga repeatedly sampling the condiments, much to the ire of the shopkeeper
>She points to a sign that says free as she spoons out another condiment to 'taste'
>You'll have to watch that one
>...
"You know, you can stop flexing-"
>"W-what? I'm totally not-"
"Mmhmm, ok~"
>"Jerk."
>You smile and feel something nuzzling the top of your head
>"By uh... the way... thanks."
"For what?"
>"Giving us a chance."
"Same...though, we actually need to talk about that - not-!"
>You feel her immediately tense up, and you pull back, turning to face the now borderline-panic-attacking cow infront of you
"Not! No. Nyet. We're not breaking up - stop that!"
>"Wh-well, what the tartarus!? - I mean, that phrase-"
"I know, I know. But we do need to talk."
>"What about?" an overly-chipper voice says, thrusting your paperbowl full of Cownadian cuisine infront of you
"My trainer."
>"The giant slab of beef that was outside your home before dawn, just staring at your windows silently - clothed in a tracksuit that clung to all the right parts of her body?"
>Greta tilts her head to the side, staring at Helga with a rarely-seen intensity
"Yeah...I think... I made a [spoiler]miss-steak.[/spoiler]"

>So you spend the next few minutes just.... telling your girls what happened
>Heh. Your girls. The miracle of [spoiler]PTSD[/spoiler] has finally kicked in.
>And you do your best to downplay... yanno. The awkward boners and whatnot that your trainer gave you
>You don't need none of that
>Your storytime is met with mixed results
>Greta is studying your face the entire time, trying her best to keep her expression neutral
>But you can tell how she's clenching her hand that she's not pleased
>Helga, on the other hand, is sitting cross-legged on the ground, head in her hands, listening with the rapt attention of a child
>Your urge to make silly voices rises
"...so, that's when I realized that I may have fucked up. I think that she's going to...assume, since I'm not really telling her no, that I'm alright with this."
>"Well, are you?" Helga asks, without a trace of malice in her voice
>"Wh-What?! Helga, we worked for YEARS to woo this bull-"
>You're suddenly smooshed into Greta's side as she pulls you in protectively
>"-and you want to just, just, GIVE him away?! To some heifer that doesn't even know him! Doesn't know his smile, or his laugh, or that he always sleeps on the left side of his bed-"
"Wait wha-"
>You...you're going to start investing in blackout curtains
>"Well, aren't you supposed to let something go if you love it? That's what my papa always told m-"
>Greta cuts Helga off at the pass. "Usshit! If you love something you put it in a bunker! Preferrably in chains! You protect the precious!"
>Nnnnnnooo this isn't boding well
"Hey, hey. Just...Look."
>You stretch a bit, but don't break free of the protective hug
"I want to set boundaries with her, but I don't want to...anger her. She can bend steel-"
>"So you think she'll hurt you? You do know that's at least a year of hard labor-"
"Well, maybe not hurt me overtly, but. Maybe she lets me injure myself working out. Or, maybe she just doesn't keep helping me at all."


>"Is that such a bad thing? We can train you!"
>You feel Greta tense up with excitement, and Helga continues her thought. "Yeah! We can get matching legwarmers and jog around town and then get into juicing and it'll be great! And Yoga. Yooooggggaaaaaa-"
>You aww softly as Helga mouths around an unfamiliar word
"Well. I already did pay - with that bonus that Diamond was saving up for me..."
>You sigh
>. . .
>"We could talk to her."
"Greta, not five minutes ago you were looking like you were gonna commit murder-"
>"I mean! Yes, ok?! Noone wants to hear that their bull is being hit on by another cow. Can you blame me?"
"No, not really."
>Aaand... silence
>"If you don't want to talk to her, and Greta can't be trusted, why not both go?"
>You blink and look down at Helga, who's now resting her forearms on your legs, looking up at you with that same childlike smile
>....you're gonna have to watch this one
"That could work. You ok with that, Greta?"
>She grunts in that, 'no but I'm going along with it anyway' kinda way
>Bah
>Women
>You give good-cow pets to Helga, and she beams
>"Well then, it's settled! I'll go handle our registration for the festival games, and you two go talk to her!"
"Wait, what now?"
>Helga nods. "You might as well - no chance to procrastinate."
>With another grunt, Greta pushes you back upright, standing up. "Fine, let's go."
- - -
>The two of you walk down a now-familiar path
>Greta's arm is draped over your shoulders
>You don't mind the weight, but, it is a little warm outside
>. . .
>You walk closer to her
>Sometimes ego is more important than comfort
"Now, look. I don't want you to get angry. I don't think Brunhilda-"
>"Homewrecker"
>You elbow her side
"Stop that. I don't think she really knows that we're serious."
>Greta looks over at you. "We're serious? H-how serious?"
>You look at her flatly, and she turns away sheepishly


"As in, we're dating. Now I don't know about herd dynamics here, or alpha-ness, or any of that shit, so-"
>"I mean, I can always tell you-"
"You'd be biased, #1, and #2 you'd make shit up to see if I'd do it."
>". . .I mean, you're not WRONG, per se-"
"Exactly. So I'll figure that out later. Main point, however, is non-confrontation. I don't want to start shit that doens't need to be started."
>"So you're saying if it NEEDS to be started, I c-oww!"
>You elbow removes itself from her side
"Yes, you're a cow. You're also a pain in the ass, and I'm going to talk to your C.O. whenever I can to get you latrine duty forever."
>"Aww, you are sweet on me-"
"B-baka."
>"What?"
>You fake cough a couple times before continuing
"Look, just... I figure if there's a proper introduction, we can explain some history behind our relationship, maybe she'll back off a little. If she doesn't, or forgets, I can always reference that I'm taken and it won't be a surprise - and if she continues, THEN we can go for a scorched earth policy."
>Greta grunts yet again. "Fine."
>You round the corner and feel a gentle thud through your sandals
>Yeah. Golds is right up the hill
"Now remember. Calm down, let's talk first."
>*thd*
>"W...what was that?"
>You keep up your pace, trying to make it to the door as fast as you can
>*thud*
>"Is... wait, is that coming from the Gym?!"
>You pause by the door, holding it open for her
"Nnnyes? I mean-"
>*THUD*
>Greta jumps slightly before composing herself, walking in behind you
>Wordlessly you point to the far corner - the deadlifting area
>Where your trainer basically has all the large plates on her bar
>And you know it's "her" bar, because she constantly rotates it to get the bend out
>With a grunt she grips the bar - over under, apparently - and lifts
>The bar bends.... but it's off the ground
>And then she releases
>*THUD*
>"Yanno, dear, maybe you being trained by her isn't such a bad thin-"
"Greta!"


>"I'm just saying! I'd... I'd need a platoon to take this cow down...That has to be at least 500kg!"
"And that's why we're going to try TALKING instead of FIGHTING. I can be a widow once we're married-"
>"Aww, thinkin' of the future, are we-"
"-those sweet government spousal death bennies."
>Greta frowns and smacks your back. "Jerk."
>You laugh and walk forward, turning to respond
"Now, you stay HERE, and let me bring her over."
>"Fiiiine..."
- - -
>YOU ARE NOW GRETA
>GRETA THE GREATEST
>...yeah that's your stripper name, you've decided. The best stripper name
>And you're looking at all the meatheads here who're getting disgustingly fit
>I mean, sure. Veins on your muscles are fine, but to have just... those stringy bits, where it looks like your hide is about to rip?
>eegh
>Yet, apparently, there are some bulls that are into that
>You see the cows stare at your bull-toy as he walks over to that homewrecker
>Yeah... yeah they're staring at his ass
>You feel a mixture of jealousy and pride
>That's MY his ass!
>...
>Whatever. You're not that tiny
>You're not smol
>You are just right! Functional strength!
>That's the only strength that matters!
>You catch your reflection in a mirror wall, and do a few light poses
>Let's see... traps are fine... biceps are always good - throwin' arm, of course...
>Do you have a good butt?
>....I mean, there's definition, and you've got dat gap - you're no slouch, but...
>You flex a couple times
>Huh. I mean, it *could* be better, there's enough fat to cover it, bu-
>"Soooo...Brunhilda, you already met Helga earlier today-"
>FUCK
>You turn to face th-holyshitshe'shuge
>You tense everything
>N-not in fear!
>Just
>...you're not smol. YOU'RE NOT SMALL.
"H-hey, uh. Brunhilda - can I call you Bruny for short?"
>You reach out your hand, and she shakes it
>Hard
>"No."
>"Well!" Anon claps his hands together. "What a wonderful and not-awkward start to our day! You wanna talk outside with us, Brunhilda."


>"No - I'm doing a set."
>Anon smiles up at this HOMEWRECKER, patting her on the arm. "I wasn't asking."
>Both you and Brunhilda raise your eyebrows as Anon walks between you, right out the door
>DAMN
>Boy's got some brass balls on him!
>....you're gonna have to verify that yourself
>Preferrably sooner rather tha-
>Brunhilda's already halfway out the door before you snap yourself out of your testicle thoughts, trotting to catch up to your passive-aggressive group
>A few dozen yards away from the gym, Anon stops and spins on his heel
>...maybe he should take ballet?
>"So, uh. Brunhilda. This is Greta, one of my...girlfriends? Cowfriends? I mean, you get the point. And I wanted to talk to you a little while we were outside of the gym - just, yanno. Nobody else needs to he-"
>"Tiny cows are afraid I'll steal you from them?" Brunhilda bluntly asks, a soft smirk on her face
>You and Anon start slightly, and he looks over at you
>It's a...meaningful look
>Do you save your ego, or crush it
>...what's more important? That or Anon?
>You sigh internally
"I mean, ye-"
>"That's part of it, yes." he cuts you off, thankfully - "The other part of it is simply, well...being that close to me all the time was kind of uncomfortable. It felt a bit like you were, ah... taking liberties?"
>"Hmmm."
>Brunhilda muses softly. "Like when?"
>FUCKING ALL OF IT
>YOU HOMEWREECCKKEERRRR-
>"W-well. The squat - you had me between your legs, arms around my waist-"
>WOW you're clenching your teeth hard
>Wow your jaw hurts haha wow...
>"You had no belt, and I needed to make sure your form was right. I also had to make sure I could get the bar in case you failed a rep."
>"Ooh... ok, well. What about the chest press?"
>"How else can I get to the bar? Or, would you rather I straddled your chest?" Brunhilda remarks, her grin turning into a full smile
>Was that a wink?
>Anon ponders a bit while you fume
>....I mean, you can kill someone, right? You've got years of service, nobody would convict-


>"Kettlebells."
>Brunhilda simply shrugs. "I was making sure your form was correct-"
>"Your tits were resting on my head!"
>Ok that's fucking enough
>"I can't help that you are smol and delicate!"
"LOOK!"
>Your outburst gets you the attention you crave
"I-I'm not having my bullfriend trained by someone who can't fucking understand boundaries. He's not going to work out with you anymore if y-" 
>"Little cow, if you fear I'm going to take him, then you better step up your game. Just because you're insecure doesn't mean it's not all in your hea-"
---
>You are ANON again
>And not because dialogue is hard or anything
>unlike you
>....that...sex joke may have backfired
>Anyway, pretty much what you didn't want to have happen is happening right now
>Brunhilda is arguing that no, she's not a sexual deviant and that yes, touching needs to happen
>Greta is basically saying that you're her property and that she needs to back off
"Girls, hey! Stop this-"
>And you're over here being ignored
>...
>This is spiralling out of control really, really quickly
"Oi, Hey!"
>"-he needs my arms to steady him, because there are no bull-sized belts for the weight he wants to-"
>"Us-shit! You're just trying to cop a feel because no bull is gonna look at you twice for bein' a freak-"
"HEY YOU DUMB FUCKS."
>They stop and turn towards you
>Yeah you got masculine grace, what?
>You prop one hand on your hip, the other points right at Greta, and you channel your inner black woman
"YOU."
>She points to herself, and you narrow your eyes
"I ain't your damn property. Ah! Shut it."
>She shuts her mouth, argument unheard
"I'll do what I want, when I want, and you have to trust me to do the right thing. Didn't I tell you about this? I could've said nothing and kept you out of the loop. Stop being a jackass and trust me."
>Suddenly she finds the ground very interesting
"And YOU."
>You point the finger at the still-smirking Brunhilda


"I'll accept that some touching may be necessary, but don't you fucking act coy with me. You and I both know what you were doing."
>She frowns softly, but still meets your gaze
"Now I'll still train with you, because I paid you and you're the biggest fuck in that gym, but if you go over your bounds again I'll get your ass tossed out quicker than you can blink."
>She quirks her eyebrow and opens her mouth to speak, but you cut her off at the pass, again
"Sexual harassment and/or dangerous exercise routine. You take your pick."
>And her jaw shuts
"That's what I fucking thought, back-talkin' ass niglet. Now I'm not asking the two of you to kiss and make up and be best fucking friends, but I damn well will prepare for this festival so I don't get injured, and I'm going to do it without any additional drama. Understood?"
>Both of them must be geologists, because DAMN the ground is interesting
"UNDERSTOOD?"
>"Y-yes sir-"they both mumble
"Good. Now."
>You crushed them, now you repair the ego and everything should be right as rain.
>You walk forward and grab Brunhilda's hand
"Look. I'm certain you're a good minotauress - nobody who agrees to help me, especially when I imposed myself like that - is bad. But you got to know that's not the best way to get a guys' attention."
>"Mmhmm..."
>You give her hand a squeeze
"I'm going to see you tomorrow, right?"
>She nods
"Ok. It's fine, I'm not angry with you, but... let's just bury this today and move forward, ok?"
>"O-ok..."
>You smile
"Great."
>Wow, the shit you gotta put up with
>But she smiles softly, so... it's worth it
"Ok. Greta, we have to check on Helga and if she signed us all up properly-"
>"R-right-"
"And don't think you're off the hook, young lady. We're gonna talk about that possessive streak you've got-"
>"R...right..."


>You let go of Brunhilda's hand
>And after your goodbyes, you make your way back to the familiar parts of town
[spoiler]>Totally ignoring Brunhilda who still stood where you left her, grinning widely
>Ignoring her holding her hand close to her chest
>Ignoring her licking one of her fingers slowly[/spoiler]
-----
>"S-so, what was that?"
"Hmm?"
>"E-earlier. I was defending your honor-"
>You laugh
"Greta. I- you don't do that for me."
>She pouts, leaning against you. "B-but that's... that's a cow's job! Defend the bull, protect the calves-"
>You gently pat her back
"Sure, sure. But, you don't need to make my decisions for me."
>"Anon, she was trying to get you to fuck her."
>You nod, humming softly
"Most likely."
>"A-and you're OK with that?!"
>You grin and laugh softly
"Hah, no. But... I mean, I'm a guy. I've gotten used to being hit on - hell, it happens all the time at work. Especially by two annoying customers at table #7 near the kitchen door."
>She bumps you with her hip, and you bump back
>"Jerk."
"Yep. But... mainly, I don't think she's a danger. I think, upon more reflection, that she's just..."
>"Crazy? Evil? A Homewrecker? Stupid?"
"Hush. I think she's just awkward as fuck."
>"....huh."
"Think about it. You yourself said she was intimidating-"
>"I wasn't scared!"
"Sure, sure. But, she's not part of a herd, she's not seeing anyone...and I mean, you saw her social graces. Her idea of flirting is cupping my ass and then denying responsibility."
>"Still. I don't like it."
"I know you don't but... think of it like this. If she helps me with muscles, and I help her with social graces, maybe we'll both turn out decent."
>"Maybe. But you're still a jerk."
"Well, that's perennial."
>"Hungry again?"
"No, just a flower pun."

***
>You stand at the rack
>Staring at yourself in the mirror
>Yes... there's.... some muscle starting to form
>I mean, I guess now that you're not in your uniform you can see some definition
>Some... actual shoulders, yanno. Biceps.
>Your core is tightening up
>You can see definition in your legs
>You can also see the floating, awkward hands of your trainer as she desperately tries to be there, but not be there, but still look like you two were a thing to keep up appearances at the gym
>You look at her face, and she turns away
>THE AWKWARDNESS IS REAL
>"Whenever.... you're ready."
>You shoulder the bar and begin your squat, your trainer going down with you
>. . .
>she's just hovering around you-
>grunting you stand, finishing your first rep
"You know..."
>"Hm?"
>Down
"My boss' herd is made up of... quarry-rats."
>"Ah."
>Up
"Nnh. And, well... maybe they can give you some tips?"
>She silently looks at you, and you go down for another rep
"Well. It's - hah - worth a shot. I mean... Nnh-"
>Up
"Quarry cows are large, and you're large-"
>You see her huff, rolling her eyes as you stand back up
>You rack the bar
"Look, I'm sorry, I just thought it was worth a shot-"
>"Why do you care?"
>You turn to face Brunhilda, putting on your encouraging smile(tm)
"Because I think you're a good cow on the inside. And if quarry rats could land a bull, I know you can too."
>She stares at you, quirking an eyebrow
"....too mushy?"
>"A bit."
"S-sorry."
>She looks away, mumbling something that sounds like "y-you too"
>Excellent. We've come full circle.
"W...well. Ah..."
>"If... if I'm such a good cow, how come I can't land you?"
>You sigh
"Brunhilda... it's been almost five weeks..."
>"A-and haven't we grown close?"
>You cross your arms, looking up at her
"I mean, yes, but... this is a working relationship we have-"
>"But we share so much! I like to lift. You like to lift. I like watching you lift. You bring the coconut oil-"
>You shake your head

"We don't hang out at all outside of the gym-"
>"Th-that's because you don't allow me to greet you in the morning-"
"Brun, there's a difference between hanging out and you watching me sleep at night-"
>She "ohs" softly
>...this can't have been a fucking revelation to her
>....this was a revelation to he-
"Just... I think we're good friends, and I'd like to keep this friendship up after the festival, but..."
>"I-I can follow you home at night, if that's be-"
>You laugh
"No... that's not any better-"
>"I- I uh, I can hang out at your work, then?" she asks, eyes filled with hope
>This.... this is getting ridiculous
"N-no! Damnit, no. How.... just, ok. Look. How about we just keep this working relationship up, and we'll go from there?"
>"Oh."
>You know that Oh
>That's the defeated Oh
>You pat her shoulder and shimmy past her to get out of the rack
"Look, it's the festival tomorrow, yea? And you're competing?"
>She nods
"Well. I know some single bulls, so how about I just put in some good words for you, yea?"
>"Oh...o-ok."
>She's actually clasping her hands together
"Hey. Don't be so anxious. You're going to do fine."
>You smile at her, and she smiles softly back at you
>Yeah. That's it, girl.
* * *
>"I still don't like it."
>You shrug, trying on the team vest Diamond forced you in
>Blue and silver
>You look like a fucking Dallas cowboy cheerleader
>Just need the sleeves and the pompoms and you're good
"Well, I didn't pick out the team color scheme. Honestly, I'd have gone with orange and gold - something with black stripes, too. Something a savage macho man would wear-"
>"No. I don't like that she hasn't given up on you, Anon."
>You turn to the pouting Greta, who's currently sitting on your couch
"I know."
>"I don't want you to keep working out with her once this is all over-"
>You place your hands on your hips and give her THE LOOK
>She tries to meet your gaze
"We had this talk before-"
>"You're an independent bull who don't need no cow!"

>You both look down at Helga, who's already wrapped up in her sleeping blanket
>Her head sticks out the top, face beaming up at you
>"I'm an inchworm!"
>She demonstrates this by rolling around a bit on the floor
"Yes.... yes you are. And you're also correct - jealousy is unbecoming of you, Greta."
>You ignore the soft sounds of fabric-on-hardwood as Helga continues to roll around
>She huffs, breaking the gaze
>THIS MEANS YOU WIN
>"F-fine. But I still think you're leading her on."
"I'm doing my best to not. You know that-"
>"Yeah, but some cows just don't get it!"
>You sigh
"Look. We've all got a big day tomorrow - I have to prance around like an idiot, then the actual idiots go out onto the field-"
>"Hey!"
"I just call it like I see it. But you know I"ll be watching both your events."
>"Y-yeah...."
"Hmm. Speaking of, what's the whole cheering thing I need to look out for? Anything I should do?"
>"Show us some skin!" Helga chirps, and you growl at her
>Giggling, she rolls away
>... well, she gets hyper when she's excited. Or nervous, I guess.
"Other than that."
>"W-well, no, but... maybe you can look at our props?"
>Props?
>This is the first you've heard of prop-
>Greta pulls from her bag what looks like a paper-mache copy of your face
>AWAKEN MY MASTERS
"No."
>"But I spent so much time-"
"Making a death-mask for me?"
>She pouts. "Well, all that's left is what Helga bought from that traveling unicorn-"
>Rummaging around, she pulls out two giant foam fingers
>They're a minty green color - so... at least close to your skin tone - and have a big #1 painted on the outside
>She sticks one over her hand and waves it about
"...yeah, that'll work."
>"What, really?! But there's no love, no dedication, no master craftwork-"
"It's alright! I mean, let's be honest here. I'm going to be a couple hundred yards from you, right? I'm not... gonna be able to see much."
>Aww, mumblepouty cow is best cow
"It's the thought that counts, right?"
>"Fffffinnneee."

>You plop down on the couch, making a point to lean up against her
>She wraps her arms around you, planting a soft kiss on the top of your head
>Aww
"So."
>"So."
>.....
"So I guess after tomorrow, we're officially official? How does that work, anyway?"
>"Ah, well..."
>You feel a *thwump* on your lap, and are... not at all surprised to find Helga resting her head there
>You begin to rub her ears, being rewarded with a pleased hum
>"Um. Well, it's like... yes, it's officially official, but like. Uh."
>You're dating a master wordsmith here
"Helga, you have no shame. What's the deal?"
>"Hey!" Greta protests
>"Well. Although our society protects the bulls, and for the most part is matriarchal, each family is basically run by their bull. So, by accepting our encouragement - and for cheering for us in turn, it's a public declaration of intent."
>Wow. You didn't think she knew so much
>Like what 'matriarchal' or 'declaration' meant
>"Yeah! And like, it basically gives us free reign to feel you up in public, because you've given us the OK infront of everyone-"
"Now I think you're fuckin' with me-"
>"Well, I hope to tomorrow night-"
>You boop her nose and she scrunches
"Greta, is she pulling my-"
>Helga grins wide, wiggling her eyebrows
"-leg"
>"Aww"
>Greta snorts, holding in her laughter. "Y-yeah... I mean. Basically it was an old-timey way to have anyone in the tribe object to the courtship. That's kinda faded away, and now it's more a public declaration of love."
"Huh. The more you know, I guess."
>"Y-yeah...."
>There's an unspoken question in the air
>You can feel it
>. . .
"So, I guess that means you'll be staying over tomorrow night as well?"
>"I-if... if you want us to."
>You reach over and pat Greta on the cheek
"I do."
>"Can I have the cool side of the pillow?" Helga chirps
"I....guess?"
>"Excellent! That makes biting it all the easier-"
>You boop the lewd inchworm once again

"Honestly, you two are impossible."
>"No! We've been stretching - the logistics work!"
"That's..."
>You close your eyes and sigh, just FEELING Helga's grin
"I'm going to enjoy this more than I should."
>"O-oh?"
>You feel both cows tense up a bit as you stand up
"Have fun sleeping on the couch, girls."
>"Awwwww-"
>They even have their pouting in unison
"Yeah, yeah. Crocodile tears, the lot of you. I'll see you tomorrow-"
>"Goodnight!" Helga says, unceremoniously laying down on the ground
>Where she falls there shall she be buried
>"Ah... goodnight, Anon." Greta smiles at you, and you smile back.
>"And, uh. Thanks."
>You hum softly
"You too."
* * *
>Let's see
>Outfit
>Shoes - actually, more like "covered sandals" but, it works
>A second change of clothing, because fuck this team uniform bullshit
>Your secret weapon for the tournament
>Some snacks-
>"You ready yet?"
"Yeeeeah, almost."
>You hear an exasperated sigh from the livingroom, but, this is IMPORTANT
>First aid kit
>bribery money
>a heavy rock
"Okay, done!"
>You walk out of your bedroom to see your two girls - and they're already dressed for the event
>Greta's in her military uniform - or something like it, fatigues, I guess?
"You're competing... in that?"
>"Whut?" She looks herself over. "It's... it's acceptable!"
>You sigh, your sequins shimmering in the dawn sunlight
>Well this isn't fair
>You look F A B U L O U S and she's just... frumpy
>With a soft squeak, Helga makes herself known -
>Wearing a full... skin-tight latex bodysuit
"You're competing IN THAT?!"
>She strikes a power-rangers pose, grinning
>"Yep! This is exactly what I need for my event~!"
"I just..."
>You feel your dick begin to stir, and you turn away
"This.... this is all just a meticulous prank. The entire town is out to fuck with me-"
>"They better not be! We got first dibs-"
>Sighing through space and time, you make your way out the door
>"Ooh! Hold on!"
>The sound of squeaking follows closely after you
* * *
>Ok so good news?
>Helga wasn't fucking with you???
>The bad news is that Helga wasn't fucking with you
>And you're forced to make small talk and wave and smile at hundreds of other cows in just.... absolutely insane getups
>Anything from what Greta's wearing - the frumpy fatigues
>Crazy... what looked like velcro patches on their suits?
>To skin-tight black latex
>THAT was the hardest (pun intented) part
>Random cows that you never met, coming up and chatting with you, with your girls
>Skin tight... latex... just.... there
>You pull out a towel from your bag and wipe your forehead with it
>wew lad
>If you weren't so nervous yourself your dick would be diamonds
>"Oi Anon!"
>speaking of diamonds
"Hey Diamond!"
>You wave at your boss, and feel a pat on your back pushing you forward
>With a smile you turn and say your goodbyes before jogging up to your executioner
>eer. teammate
>"Hey there buddy! Lookin' fine, Lookin' fine."
>You flex, and he whistles
>"See, up until today I was being nice, but now-"
"Yeah, I won't get killed-"
>"Just maimed."
"Excellent. As long as they don't hurt the moneymaker, I'm good."
>"Anon. Nobull's going to be aiming for your ass."
"I meant my face, but glad to see you're admiring my assets. Good to know."
>The two of you continue the small talk through the park gates, and even up to the coliseum
>The building style is very... roman
>The modern, tiled locker room, however, is not
>"Yeah... so...we're the 4th team to play in rotation - #4 and #5. Diamond versus Iron-"
"You know there's a hardness joke in there somewhere."
>"Anon, don't make this gay."
"Says the dude who's flexing in a mirror with a bunch of other guys-"
>A round of indignation goes through the lockers, but you grin
>Aaah, nerves
>....fuck you can hear the cows cheering from in here
>ha ha wow your heart is going fast
>"Anon? Anon, buddy, look at me - you don't look too good...."

>You're not ready for this
>You're still too smol!
>EVERYTHING IS SHAKING OH GOD-
>"Anon! Anon, snap out of it-"
"Habwuh... j-just... oh God Diamond, what am I doing here-"
>"Anon, look. Your first time is always rough - it's confusing and hot and just..."
>Diamond kneels infront of you, adopting the "coach" look
"I just... the other guys here, are so big-"
>"Sssh. Don't look at the other guys. We're all working with what we got - and honestly, size isn't everything. There's quickness, dexterity - if you're limber, you're just as good as anyone twice your thickness-"
>/fit/ thoughts fill your mind, and you nod
>"There we go, just relax.... let it happen, let it wash over you. You'll be fine."
"I uh... I-I brought something, and... I didn't know if it'd help, but-"
>"It's ok. Show me what you got."
>You reach into your bag and pull out the secret weapon
>Diamond squints at it, tilting his head
>"Why.... why would you need that much lu-"
>Suddenly his eyes go wide, and he grins a manic grin
>"Anon.... that's brilliant."
>Grunting, he stands up, rubbing his hands together
>"Lay on the bench and I'll start working it into you-"
>You assume the position, relaxing as the rest of your team mills in
* * *
>"...long history, filled with excitement-"
>You are Anon
>And you kinda wish for death
>You and your team is hanging out in one of the little hallways leading to the arena proper
>Waiting for the welcoming speech to be over
>apparently it's the same for each match?
>"....apples have been banned as weapons ever since. So, Socioball-"
>You shift your weight from one foot to the next
>Diamond gives you a thumbs up
>You smile and return the gesture
>"....presiding over the match...."
>Oh, here we go
>"Our local chieftan, [spoiler]Bismuth Dragonforce[/spoiler]!"
>The crowd goes wild, yet again
>That dude sounds like a badass
>"LLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEETTTSSS GET READY TO RUUUMMMMBBBLLLEEEEEE-"
>Your everything has an erection as goosebumps roll over your body
>>27336862
>You jog out with the rest of your team
>Iron's team jogs out from the opposite end
>Inbetween you two, a thick pole rises to the sky
>There are no innuendos, only glory here
>Your team stops as one and begins flexing their disgustingly fantastic bodies
>The liberal application of [spoiler]coconut oil [/spoiler]causes your skin to glisten in the sun
>The crowd goes wild
>You look for the announcement booth - aah, there he is
>You pose dramatically, giving your best [spoiler]nazi [/spoiler]salute at the aged minotaur with the most radical beard you've ever seen
>he nods at you
>THE GODS SMILE UPON YOU THIS DAY
>You turn and flex over in the direction of the green foam fingers, and they start waving frantically
>Yeeeeeeesssss - ok, once you accept your inevitable death this becomes pretty fun
>With the tweet of a whistle a ball no larger than your fist gets tossed in from the announcer's booth
>You don't think it's an accident that it's tossed to your side first
>Steadying yourself, you bellow out a challenge to the opposite team
>And all hell breaks loose

>For the first few minutes, it's just pure chaos
>Bulls running around, fake passes, tackling
>Every so often a tackle turns into an actual wrestling match
>The arena dust kicked up by their struggles wafts in the errant breeze
>But you are Anon
>And you are a predator
>So you don't go after any movement - you follow the fucking ball
>Making esoteric gestures with your hands (and posing when called for) you soon find yourself as point guard to the ball-fondler
>eer. Handler.
>and between him and glory is one bull
"Iron Will."
>You have said his IRL Powerword, and he turns towards you
>"Anon - You think your teams' got game - but Iron Will WILL SHOW YOU PA-"
>Dancing forward like Wham! you engage Iron Will in a grapple
>Laughing, he wraps his arms around your torso, and you hook his leg
>You engage in a manly, burly grapple
>We're talking turkish oil wrestling here
>...go ahead, Google it. I'll wait
>. . .
>Yeah
>You slip out of his grip by squatting - the thick application of oil leaving a bright sheen on his fur - and wrap your arms around his waist, stepping behind him
>....subconsciously, you know this is gay as fuck
>Consciously, you can also hear declarations of love and lewd suggestions being thrown out by the crowd
>....fuckin' cows
>Fucking arena combat
>FUCKING DECLARATIONS OF LOVE
>FUCKING SOCIOBALL
"UUURRRRAAAAA-"
>For the first time in Minotauren history
>A bull is suplexed during Socioball
>As you lift him off the ground, time slows down
>You see your cheerleading squad - and Diamond's - sitting on the benches with varying degrees of astonishment
>You see Diamond himself, tears of joy streaming down his face
>You see BISMUTH, giving you a soft nod of approval, his beard flowing in a wind that...only seems to be affecting him
>It is a good day to die
>Iron Will's head hits the dirt at the same time the ball is tossed at the pole
>*thock*

>>27344420
>The bottom of the pole
>Two points
>You got a red card and are forced to sit out the rest of the game based on "overly-aggressive, non-sportstuar like behavior"
>Those two points are the only two points your team scores
>So.... yanno. 15-2. Not bad. Close game.
>You sigh as you sit on the bench, wrapped in the arms of your boss
>"Oh my child, oh my sweet summer child, I'm puttin' you into the will for that one-"
"Damn, Diamond, I didn't know you had a hardon for brutality-"
>He turns you to face him
>"Anon. You straight-up suplexed the son of the most arrogant asshole in this city. Do you know how many people are thrilled with you right now?!"
>You shrug
"It just seemed like the right thing to do."
>"I mean, it's my fault for not really telling you how the game is played... or what the rules are, or really anything about it."
>You frown slightly
"Then what the hell did you expect me to do out there?"
>Grinning, he pats you on the back, standing up. "Something exactly like what you did."
>....you're gonna have to watch this one
>"Anyway. It's our turns in the stand, so, we should make sure to sit up close for good seats-"
"Yeah, yeah..."
>You get up and walk into the coliseum....
>...immediately slipping due to your oiled-up sandals
* * *
>After being carried into the locker room like a newlywed
>And yes, you made it as awkward as possible for Diamond, you don't even care
>you showered, scrubbed down and changed
>And now you're seated amongst the rest of you team, bulls you only tangentally or barely know - 
>But who are all pretty much gay for you right now
>Some homo
>Across the arena you see the Iron team, and one really frumpy-looking, bandaged minotaur, glaring at you
>You make a kissyface, but he probably doesn't see it
>Anyway
"So, what's up first? What's the schedule?"
>"Well. We go in order of ruining the arena-"
"Wat"
>Diamond chuckles. "So, first is bulls, to get the cows all fired up. Then, Strength, Dexterity, Archery, then Obstacle course."

>>27344470
>You whistle softly
"That's... all at once?"
>"No, no. At least a 30 minute break inbetween each event - gotta let everyone rest, have to setup the courses. Usually we cheer up here, then go down and congratulate or console during the break... and wash, rinse, repeat."
"Don't remind me of work."
>"Hm." He smiles. "Anyway THERE'S MY GIRLS-"
>You lean away from the cheer that goes up as Freja and Ida - along with a bunch of other FUCKHUGE cows - walk out into the arena
>They're wearing.... oh my
>The loosest tank top possible - it's like... just cloth draped over their chests
>And what looks like an iron battle skirt?
>Huh?
"Wait... I thought, uh, aren't they supposed to setup a course?"
>Diamond points to the stone blocks just laying around
>"That *is* the course."
"I... wait. What?"
>One of the cows steps forward, and with the tweet of a whistle, she grips the bottom of a massive stone block and
>....
>and heaves the fucking thing skyward
>*THUMP*
>"WOOOOOO-"
"HOLY SHIT-"
>Kissing her biceps, the cow walks back to the line, a referee running forward and measuring the distance
>"18 paces-"
"I just. What the hell?!"
>"That was pretty good - I think she works with Ida-"
"NO HOW IS THIS NORMAL?!"
>"How is it *not*?"
>You give Diamond the 'dis nigga srs' look, and he mimics it right back at you
>Another large *THUMP* breaks the look, and you see a ref jogging out to measure the new distance
>"...20 and a step!"
"....I'm going to die by a greased-up cow."
>Diamond slaps you on the back. "Acceptance is the first stage to recovery!"
"Just."
>Another cow steps up to a rock, bending down and wiggling her hi-
>Well that's a boner you didn't need
>"Hup!"
>*THUD*
>"22 Paces!"
>The crowd roars, and she curtsies
* * *
>This goes on for the rest of the match
>Some place well, some don't
>The *THUD* of each granite slab can be felt through your bones
>All of them
>But one thing bothers you
"Where's Bruny?"
>"Hmm?"

>>27344518
"Ah, Brunhilda - my personal trainer?"
>"Oh, yea, the one that stops you from complaining at work-"
"I'm going to steal your cotton candy. I'm going to steal it and throw it on the ground."
>"Wh-why would you do something like that?!"
>Diamond looks at you with mock shock, and you roll your eyes
"Just. She's all about stronk - so... I wonder..."
>"Well. We're done in a few minutes - want to walk me down there to say hi to my girls?"
"I- uh, sure. Is Elsa also-"
>"No no." Diamond grunts as he gets up, and you follow him out from your seats. "No, she's not competing."
"I thought that was a thing everyone did?"
>"Then where do the refs come from? Or the food?" 
". . .ok, shutup-"
>"I always said you were cute, not clever. Exactly what I need in a server-"
"I am going to spit in every dish you give me-"
>Your voice echos down the hallway as the two of you meander towards the arena proper
>"Charge them extra for the 'special' condiments, then."
"You're horrible."
>"Mmm. I have 3 cows and 5 calves, and the girls want more. Try me."
"....I'm going to die-"
>"Look, you don't have to use grease! There's plenty of other lube opti-HEEEYYY~"
>Diamond waves as the last whistle blows, a few other bulls streaming out onto the field
>Two very large, very muscular girls trot over to you
>.....FUCK YOU ARE SMOL
>"Hey, babe." Freja - you're assuming it's Freja - says, planting a firm kiss between Diamond's horns
>"Hey yourself! You and Ida placed better this year!" Diamond pecks Freja on the cheek, and then turns to give Ida a kiss
>You aww softly
>The moment is broken by... the echo of an argument?
>Huh
>You leave the Diamond clan to small talk and flirtation and wander over to the argument
>Because humans accidentally into danger all the time
>It's what we do
>Rounding the corner, you see -
>Oh fuck your heart just stopped a bit
>You grip the wall to steady yourself
>"Hi Anon~!"
"Nnnnn?"
>Helga bounds over to you, all smiles
>[spoiler]And oiled latex[/spoiler]

>>27344609
>"Oh, is that the one you were talkin' about-"
>"He's cute!"
>"T'ch. No horns though. What are you supposed to gra-oww!"
>About 10 other cows, all in similar getups, wander over to you
>Your heart is REALLY, REALLY trying to keep up with the blood debt your boner is demanding
>You continue to lean against the wall
"H-hi? Hi?"
>"Hi! Yay! You remembered words!" Helga beams at you, hugging you tightly
>Nnnnn you're still oiled
>And she's oiled
>And just
>J U S T
>You swallow hard
"So, uh... I just... what's all this then?"
>"Oh, we're the dexterity group!" One of the cows pipes up. "So, this is our staging area-"
"The latex-"
>"That makes sure we don't knock anything over!" Helga chirps, and they all nod enthusiastically
>BULLSHIT
>You try to look angrily at Helga, but it comes out more confused and aroused
>They all aww at you softly
"I - argument?"
>One day you will word
>But today is not that day
>"Oh! Yeah! It seems someone's paperwork got mixed up..."
>Helga turns to look, and you follow her gaze
>There, in prime lifting getup, hands taped and tanktop breezy, is Brunhilda
>Whisperyelling at a referee, who has long since given her the minimum-wage stare
"Wh...what? How?"
>Helga giggles
>"Well, I just figured, since she was acting like she was herding with you... and I actually was, that maybe I should do her paperwork as well - seeing as how we're all, quote unquote, 'together'?"
>You blink slowly, the gears in your mind turning
>"And maybe-" She presses her cheek against yours as you two watch the hope drain from Brunhilda's frame, "-maybe she never worked to dispel that notion? So maybe she dug her own grave for getting handsy on my bull? So maybe she'll still have to go out and compete, because a no show is more shameful than a poor showing?"
"That's...that's devious - that's just evil, Helga!"
>She turns you to face her, suddenly going serious.
>"She who takes what the Farsi cow makes, makes dreadful mistakes."
"...why are you a riddlema-MMH!"

>>27344661
>Oh hey, that's a tongue
>Broad, flat and muscular
>You can't help but moan slightly, trying to find purchase on Helga to push her away - to just BREATHE for a moment
>Ha ha why are you so out of breath here
>She breaks the kiss, panting
>"Well, nevermind. No horned bulls are pretty fine to-OWW. Anya that hurt!"
>You ignore the cow getting jabbed in the background and search Helga's face
"That was..."
>"Y-yeah...sorry."
"No, that's fine, just... I'm going to have to keep an eye on you."
>You smile, patting her cheek
>She presses herself up against y-oh WOW she's trapped junior
>Her grin becomes a little more predatory, as she looks down for just a moment before looking back into your eyes
>"Mmm. Same here, babe~"
>Hhhhhh-
>You nod softly, and push away - she lets you go - and you wordlessly walk back the way you came
>Why are you blushing this hard
>Why is it so hot outside
>Why do your tiny shorts hide NOTHING
* * *
>"Oi, Anon! What took you?"
>You sit down, a box of concession stand food sitting on your lap
"Nothing."
>"..." Grinning, Diamond looks away. "Alright. Might want to wipe the oil down, though-"
"Shutup."
>"Mmm. So the course is almost done."
>You turn towards the arena, where... it looks like they've taped lines down on the ground to form a square
>And placed strategically throughout the square, on pillars and cardboard boxes, are what look like...
>Wait
"Are those... tiny porcelain cups?"
>"Cups, curios, dishes - tiny model birds. The works. Most of them are rejects that are donated for the course-"
"Wait. Just. The dexterity course is literally cows in a china shop?"
>"...yes? What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing. Just. Nothing phases me anymore."
>The blast of a whistle goes off, and the dexterity cows all trot out
>Forms glistening in the sun, waving to their bulls
>You wave back at Helga, who jumps up and down to get your attention
>....you shift the box on your lap
>And sticking out like a sore thumb, in the back, is Brunhilda
>Damn

>>27344720
>She's not dressed for this
>She's not sized or trained for this
>She knows it, you know it... everyone here knows it
>As the intro applause dies down, one of the cows steps up to the plate
>Ha ha, no, really. She steps up to a plate on the dirt
>Another blast of the whistle and she leaps over the plate, pirouetting around a pillar before gracefully dancing forward
>It's actually... kinda hauntingly beautifu-
>*tak*
>You barely saw it, but her hoof must've grazed one of the stands; a broken vase lays on the arena floor
>Not pausing, the cow continues through her dance, weaving in and out of the shop
>*tak*
>*tak tak*
>With a final leap she hops out over another plate, and the crowd cheers
>"80 points!"
"Well... ok, this is interesting."
>"So I was right - there's something about you and oil-"
"Shutup."
>"No, seriously-"
"Anyway. How is this competition judged - the first one was obvious, just distance."
>"Yep. This is split 50/50 between form and function. So 50 points are for the dance, and you lose 5 points for everything you knock over."
"Aah. So her dance was perfect?"
>"Mmm, well I think she does teach ballet - Hey Silver, who was that cow?"
>As your manager and your worst customer start talking about shit that doesn't matter, you see Helga step up to the plate
>Ha ha why is your heart beating so fast?
>She looks at you, and you wave at her
>And she smiles
>Another tweet from the whistle, and she leaps over the plate....
>...and tucks and rolls, ending in a crab walk
>How
>She then shimmies around each pillar and box
>Sometimes using her best spy moves
>Sometimes pole-dancing against an imaginary pole
>With a picture-perfect high-jump vault, she dives over the last plate
>You can see her chest rising and falling from here
>". . .80 Points!"
"WOOO! GOOD JOB, HELGA~"
>"Eeeeeeeeeee-"
>She starts rolling around on the dirt making happy cow noises
"REEL IT IN, HELGA~"
* * *
>The rest of the cows make their play
>Some get more, some get less


>>27344938
>A lucky - or good - tauress ends up with a perfect 100
>You could FEEL the smug come off from her
>And of course, waiting until the end, was Brunhilda
>Everyone was just... waiting for her
>Some of the guys around you had bets - maybe she competed earlier and is double-competing?
>Going for the quadruple-crown?
>You knew better, though
>Even as a hush fell on the arena
>Hell, just by reading her body language, you knew better
>She timidly stepped up to the pl-
>*crack*
>She timidly stepped ONTO the plate
>Hoo boy
>She looks down, and just.... 
>Her smile and optimism: gone
>. . .
>She didn't deserve this, really
>I mean, she was awkward, but it was kinda cute
>And she DID respect your boundaries, even if she pined after you
>And it's not like she didn't do her job - you got ripped, after all
>And... I mean, she wasn't a BAD looking cow, just, large
>And... it's not like you two didn't build a rapport
>She's just... 
>....she's a good cow
>She never asked for this
"COME ON BRUNY! FUCK THEM UP!"
>You stand up, breaking the silence
"STOP BEING A BITCH AND DO IT! JUST DO IT!"
>Diamond looks up at you, eyebrows knit, before a flash of realization crosses his face
>"WOOOOOO! COME ON, BIG GIRL!" he roars, stomping his hooves
>Your section starts cheering, and soon the rest of the arena is cheering for her
>Not to mock her
>But on the off chance that they will see the greatest comeback - the greatest upset of the day!
>The soft "ho ho ho" laughter coming from the announcer's box forms the perfect backdrop to your chants
>And, raising her arms as gracefully as possible
>Brunhilda leaps forward
* * *
"I mean, it *was* a new record!"
>A grunt is all you get in reply
"Come on... It wasn't that bad?"
>You pat her shoulder as Helga pipes up. "Yeah! I've never seen the judges cry before!"
>You flash her a look
>"What? They had to specifically MAKE a negative scorecard for-"
>"Uuuuugggghhhhh"
"You're. Not. Helping."
>"Well soooorrryyyy~"
>"My life is over."

>>27345016
"Now now-"
>"How... did I even get to Dex? I always fill out the Strength Competition paperwork, every year-"
>Helga grins, slightly worried. "A-ah, yeah, ha ha. I wonder how that happened-"
>You narrow your eyes at her, and she sighs, nodding softly
"Promise you won't be mad."
>"Mad? I can't feel anything right now, just shame and defeat-"
"Well good, cause Helga is the one that changed your paperwo-"
>"AND RAGE AND HATE-" Brunhilda roars as she stands up, fire in her eyes
>"If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine~" Helga taunts, dancing in the atrium
>You position yourself between the two
>You've already accepted this death
"OI! Enough!"
>"SHE MOCKED ME INFRONT OF THE ENTIRE TOWN-"
>"And YOU got handsy with my bullfriend-"
"I said enough."
>They both stop immediately
>Yeah. You've transcended rage and fear and arousal
>You give them both THE LOOK
[spoiler]>BLUE STEEL[/spoiler]
>They don't stand down, but at least they stop fighting
"Look. That... revenge plot was put into play weeks - months ago. Before I talked to you, before we got better. It's over now."
>Brunhilda huffs, blowing your hair out of place
>"Still. Nothing good came of her, or of today... I just looked like a fool."
>You reach forward and gently pat Brunhilda's arm, and she sits back down
>Turning your head, you share a look with Helga
>You tilt your head
>She shakes hers
>You glare
>She wilts
>"F-fiiine.... I'm sorry, Brunhildaaaa~"
"Like you mean it, young lady."
>She stomps her hoof, making a slight squeaky sound. "Ok. I'm sorry I played the chessmaster and enacted the perfect revenge. I promise to only use my powers for good from now on."
>Both you and Brunhilda roll your eyes in sync
>"Whaaat?"
"Helga, that's in poor taste?"
>"Oh?" Smiling, she walks over to you, planting a soft kiss on your cheek. "But," she whispers hotly into your ear, loud enough to be overheard - "it did get you to cheer for her, didn't it?"
>You.... blink owlishly

"Did....wh?"
>Brunhilda looks at her, then at you
>She's sporting a massive blush, and you can't deny you've got one too
>"H...Y-you led that cheer for me..."
"I uh. I did."
>"Do... do you like me?" she asks, her eyes slightly wet
"...I mean, I can do wors-SSHHK"
>The air is squeezed out of you as Brunhilda drops to her knees infront of you, wrapping her arms tightly around your chest in the biggest, strongest bear hug you've ever been in
"tightightight-"
>You pat Bruny's head to get her attention, but her soft sobbing is obviously distracting her from your dire need of oxygen
>Helga giggles softly, draping her arms over your shoulders. "Yep. Only for good from now on. Now, can we get some of those soft pretzels? I love me some soft pretzels."
"Hee-eellp~"
>Humming, Helga pinches Brunhilda's ear, which causes her to look up at you - and then release you, smiling softly
>You gasp for air
>They daww in unison
"I'm... I'm going to have to watch you."
>"Oooh, kinky."
* * *

>You walk forward, making idle talk
>It's... a little weird
>Not just that suddenly you're dating 3 women
>But that, like
>Brunhilda's just silent behind you
>You wouldn't know she was there if it wasn't for the feeling of fabric-against-fabric on your neck and back
>Every so often you turn to look at her, and she beams down at you
>. . .
>You smile back, of course
"So... Archery's up next, right?"
>"Mmm. So we have some time - Greta's an all-rounder, so she's participating in the Obstacle Course"
>"Ah."
"Oh yeah... we're gonna have to break the news to her, aren't we?"
>You feel a little more weight on your back, and you roll your eyes
"Don't worry, Bruny. She's.... feisty, but she'll take it well. I think."
>"You sure?"
"Are you actually worried? You're the biggest girl-"
>"For her. But..."
>Hmm. 
>There's a question that's just hanging out in the air there
>"Secrets and puzzles and riddles and boops-"
>Sighing you nudge Helga, who giggles, squeezing your arm in her grip. "Okay, okaaay~"
"I don't like being kept in the dark, you know."
>"But I'm a benevolent puppet-master!"
"Helga, please. I'll go back to Equestria, I swear it-"
>"But we don't need to make Labarynthia great again-"
>"We're here."
>The three of you stop your shenanigans as you step outside the arena, the loud cheers now just a dull roar as the Archery Competition heats up
>"So. Think Mrs. Puppetmaster can actually pay for some food this time?"
>"Hehe, well... I mean, you did eat for free-"
"Cheap."
>"Well, if you flirt with enough stalls, we can just hold your food for you-"
>You turn to look at Helga, who's grinning wide
"Just - are you asking me to whore myself out for food?!"
>"It's a good cause!"
>You turn to look at Brunhilda, who shrugs. "I'll cover it."
>"Eeeeeeee thaaaan-"
"You get ONE THING from the 1-bit menu-"
>"Awwwwww-"
* * *
>"What took you so long?"
>You sit down next to Diamond, taking off your foam hat
"Soft pretzels are delicious."

>>27346324
>"There's a soft pre- damnit Anon, what do I pay you for?! I'd be all over that..."
>You smile and make a point of licking your lips
"Oh, it was warm and wonderful-"
>"Laugh it up, chuckles. Midnight shift for you-"
"Yet, we don't have one."
>*thwap*
>The bulls cheer as an arrow hits it's target, but Diamond sighs
>"I'll make one up-"
"So who'll cook?"
>"I...uh..."
"And who'll man the register?"
>". . .you're supposed to be cute, not clever."
>You hum softly, smiling
>Another blast from the ref whistle, and one of the cows raises her arms up high in triumph
"Ah. I guess we're done here now?"
>"Well, I've been done since the first match, but. It's always good to stay and provide background noise."
>Shrugging noncommittally, you steal some of Diamond's popcorn
>"Careful. It'll all go to your stomach-"
"Eeeh. I've apparently made it, right? You'll get your fresh crop of baby pictures, and we'll be good to go-"
>"Hah. You have no idea."
". . .I'm not being told a lot of things-"
>"It's boilin' a rock lobster, Anon. Slowly turning up the heat until it doesn't realize it's dead."
"You said I didn't have to use grease for lube!"
>"What? Just. What?!"
>As the two of you continue to talk, the Obstacle course is laid out
>It's your typical bullshit - pun probably intended
>Rope ladder over a wood wall, crawl through mud, etc., etc.
>It looks pretty beastly, really
>You wave down a traveling vendor for a refill of popcorn as the stands come back to life
>Pausing to cheer, you see a bunch of cows - all shapes and sizes - trotting out to the course
"OI! GRETA!"
>You wave enthusiastically to get her attention, and she gives you a salute
>What an autist
"DON'T DIE-"
>She sticks out her tongue at you, performing an arm gesture that's... well that's kinda rude
>You pout as Diamond laughs
>"Aaah, excellent! You really think you can keep her in line, eh?"
"Eh. I've already got the milkmaid and the fuckhuge one-"
>"Wait, what? Your trainer?!"
"Yeah.... yeah."

>>27346392
>He looks at you in... is that awe, or aww?
>"I've only read about spontaneous declarations of love during the festival..."
"Y-yeah?"
>"It's just like in one of my japonese animo-Oww!"
>You punch him in the arm before he can finish
"Just.... just don't."
>"Hmph. Fine. Once you get some cows you get all uppity~"
"Diamond please."
>He chuckles, and you offer him some of your fresh popcorn
>"So... this is the last one."
"Yeah, so what happens after?"
>"Festival proper. The Old Bull trots out, says some words, blesses the new and old herds and then we all go out and get shitfaced."
"Excellent-"
>"And Laid."
"....I uh."
>"Well I've never seen you turn THAT shade of red-"
"Sh-shutup."
>The blast of the ref's whistle snaps you out of your... suddenly lewd thoughts, and you see the cows - en masse - stampede from the starting line
>Ha ha oh wow this is brutal
>The mud is first, and once the first few are out it makes sense why-
>climbing a sheer wall while slick with mud is a CRUEL thing to do
>"Come on baby you can do it-"
>"Climb, Elsa, Climb-"
>"Use your leeeeggsss-"
>Well I guess you need to yell out some advice too
"GO FOR THE EYES. CUT THEIR EYES-"
>Everyone, as one, turns to you, but you ignore them
"USE THEIR BODIES AS LEVERAGE! CLIMB ON THEIR BODIES!"
>Why is everyone so quiet? huh.
"IT ONLY TAKES FIFTEEN POUNDS OF PRESSURE TO CRUSH THEIR LARYNX! CRIPPLE AND MOVE, HONEY - CRIPPLE AND MO-hey!"
>You're taken out at the knees and sit down hard on the bench, being pelted with leftover food
"Don't hate cause I give good advice!"
>"You're a jerk, Anon."
"Yeah, but you still love me~"
>"Idiot. That's only because, for some reason, our customers like you-"
"Aaah, so you buying my future calves matching booties has nothing to d-OWW."
>You rub your arm where Diamond punched you, grinning
* * *
>"Haah...aah....hoo..."
>She's breathing hot and heavy
>"S-so?" Greta smiles, breathless. "What - what do you think?"
"Hmm."
>You smile softly, opening your arms for a hug

>>27346480
"I think you did wond-oof!"
>One day you'll get a sentence out without getting the wind knocked out of you
>Today is not that day
>Giving you a tight hug, Greta rubs her cheek against yours, sighing softly
>"I went for the eyes, just like you said-"
"Good girl"
>"Yay! And 7th place isn't bad!"
>The two of you split apart as Helga makes herself known, followed closely behind by-
>"Oi. What's she doing here - the Dex competition is over-"
>Brunhilda visibly flinches, and you pinch Greta's side
>Now two cows are visibly flinching
>"Oww! W-what's that for?!"
"Well... First, that was not very nice."
>"S-so?"
>You let an awkward pause hang in the air, quirking your eyebrow
>"...F-fine. That still doens't answer my question."
"We, ah, came to an agreement earlier today-"
>"Oh?"
"Yeah. Greta, meet our third cow."
>. . .
>It takes a few moments, but Greta sits down, shaking her head
>"Just... just-"
"Now, I know, ok? It's just - well, she's not a BAD cow, per se, and she's kinda adorkable in her awkwardness-"
>"Just-"
"And you know I'd be protected for when you go out to the border, right? So I mean-"
>"Jus-"
"A-and I mean, three is doable, right? She's nice, just, uh...-"
>"Just. It took us months and months of flirting to get you to date us, and she plays awkward grab ass with you once and you're good to go?!"
>"Bulls, am I right?" Helga chirps, her hand up for a high five
>....nobody's taking it
>She takes it herself, clapping her hands together
"Look. You two got me warmed up to the idea of even dating out of my species. And, you two are also really cute, but... I mean, we're all trying new things. Surely you can give her a shot."
>"I just... how does it work?"
"Hmm?"
>Greta looks Brunhilda up and down, then turns to you
>"Tonight, I mean. How's that going to-HEY!"
>You flick her ear, growling
>She smiles, dodging your attack
>"Fine, fine. I know when to fight and when to roll over - but you-"
>She points to Brunhilda, who points to herself
>"No funny business, ok? I deal with enough politics-"
>"S-sure. I promise."

>>27346560
>"Tonight, I mean. How's that going to-HEY!"
>You flick her ear, growling
>She sighs, dodging your attack
>"Fine, fine. I know when to fight and when to roll over - but you-"
>She points to Brunhilda, who points to herself
>"No funny business, ok? I deal with enough politics-"
>"S-sure. I promise."
>"Ok. And YOU-"
>Greta points to Helga, who beams happily
>"....you did something, didn't you. You're not outraged at all-"
>"Eeeeeee maybe. I mean, life's too short and refractory periods too long to worry about the small stuff-"
>Waht
>"Ahem."
>The four of you turn to the announcement box as the GOAT Bull, Bismuth Dragonforce, takes center stage
>"My children, it's been an honor presiding over these games. Why, I remember my own first game back-"
>Greta sighs
>"He's always so long-winded"
"Yeah, but... I mean, he seems pretty awesome"
>"-fighting off the dragons with the power of coconut oil and wrestling - that form we also saw today-"
>"Mmm. But he's nice." Helga chirps
"Seems so."
>"Nah. He is! He always gives me candy"
"....how?"
>"-fifteen chickens. So, in the way that we've always ended each festival games: May you be fruitful, live long, see good days - and may your houses' foundations be strong!"
>A cheer raises up from the remaining minotaur, and you join it
>"....Also! Also-"
>Bismuth raises his hands, and they quiet down for a moment
>"-I'd like to point out that FINALLY, against all odds my youngest daughter got her act together and is gonna give me some grandcalve-"
>"DAAAAAAAAD" Greta groans, flinging her arms out wide. "You have to do this NOW?!"
"Wait what the shit?!"
>The crowd roars it's approval, and you catch the old bull's gaze
>And he winks at you, as a smile breaks out across his face
>NOBODY TELLS YOU SHIT
>Damn
>You're going to have to watch them. All of 'em - damn wily moocows
>But as you're warmly hugged and dragged off into the festival proper, you don't think that's such a bad thing after all.

THE END