Prompt: Anonymouses have been popping into Equestria every couple of thousand years. The last one to pop in was a few thousand years ago, and is featured prominently in other races pantheons; A god/dess of sex and fertility, a supreme alpha, a craftsgod - the list goes on. 

Now, our Anon has appeared, and other species have taken this to mean it's a sign, a prophecy, or a chance to shag a deity. All are good reasons to show up on his lawn.

=======================================================================================================================================


"Twilight, I'm just saying, you're worrying over nothing."
>You are ANON, and you are walking back to your home after an "emergency meeting" with Princess Twilight
>"emergency meeting" because there's been some sightings of, and I'll quote here, 'ne'er-do-well elements' around town
>"Anon, listen to me. All the ancient records point to a bipedal male spirit that wields great power-"
>She was concerned that they'd try to abduct you or sacrifice you or something else involving ritual bodypaint and virgins
"Twilight, what I'm saying is that you should listen to me too - that's standard fare for a bunch of pantheons back home-"
>Twilight huffs, annoyed. "Look, Anon, I've done my research-"
>You cringe internally
>"-this isn't like the Princesses, or any other pantheons. They are just deified Gryphons or Minotaurs. This is a separate entity that has a lot of the same characteristics that you do-"
>You throw up your hands
"Okay! And all I'm saying is that humans have this shit too! Like the Kokopelli, the Greek or Norse pantheons - hell, even animal-human hybrids like the degenerate furries of Egypt. This is no big fucking deal-"
>You hear her little hoofsies stomp as you round the corner to your street
>"Anon! There's no other reason for these, these - pilgrims to show up in town!"
"I dunno, I was pretty popular at the gala-"
>"That was more than just awe at seeing a new species. I could tell-"
"You sure it wasn't my helicopter dick?"
>Twilight sputters. "B-wh, when did THAT happen?!"
>You shrug
"Luna throws one hell of an afterparty. Anyway, look. I'm like, twice the size of most anything here, so.. I'm not....concerned. Huh."
>Your rebuttal dies in your throat as you finally walk up to your house
>What can best be described as a makeshift hobo camp has formed in the middle of the road
>White robed figures are busy making fire, tending to food, laying out what looks like balls and sticks on an altar
"Are...are those Diamond Do-"
>"MASTER IS HERE! THE MASTER IS HERE!"


>Well this just got really lewd really quickly
>About four or five dogs perk up at the call, bounding over to you
"NonononoNONO-"
>There's a sigh next to you
>The sigh that means "I told you so" + "typical colt"
>. . . if she says anything you're gonna [spoiler]twist her teats[/spoiler]
>With a tingly sound Twilight charges up her horn, and your would-be worshipers/attackers slam against purplesmart's forcefield bubble
>This only phases them for a moment, as they start just....
>"Maaaasssstteeerrrr we are your most faithful~" one whines, sitting on your path
"Look I got out of that lifestyle a long time ago-"
>"MASTER! LEAD US TO GLORY!" the second crows, slamming into the force-field again
>"Ah haff yeh newhbabah!" one chirps happily, doing that whole-body wiggle thing that some idiot-dogs do
>"Yeah ok enough of this - I'm going to escort you to your home, and you're to keep your door locked until I can bring the guard." Twilight Deadpans, walking forward slowly
>You follow by her side, your purple bubble gently nudging the dogs out of the way
". . . You know, they don't look EVIL, per se-"
>One rolls over and presents her tum-oh WOW that's a lot of nipples
>"Anon, don't try me right now-"
"I mean, they've brought their own leashes-"
>"ANON."
"Fiiiine."
>After a few more minutes of gently shoving the strays aside, you find yourself standing in the doorway of your home once more
>Door shut and locked
>"Now all you ratty bitches listen up-" Twilight begins, but is quickly booed out
>"Das racis!" "My mother was a based bitch-"
>"If you hurt that colt the crown WILL prosecute! I'm going to talk with your embassy, but NO FUNNY BUSINESS-"
"Like HA-HA funny or Ironic Funny or-"
>"NOT HELPING, ANON-"
>"DO NOT DISRESPECT THE MASTER!"
>"Fuck this I can fly-"
>"Jump! Jump to get the heretic!"
>Oh this is gonna be good
>You quickly make your way over to your livingroom window, watching as the diamond dogs launch themselves up to catch Twilight


>Of course, she's hovering juuuust outside their reach
>Toying with them
>....mares
>Eventually after a few rude gestures she flies off, and a couple of your, uh. Devotees? Chase after her
>ah well
>You step away from the window
>What a day. This was almost as bad as when the bandersna-
>"AWOOOOOOO-"
>What the everliving FUCK-
>You look out the window again and 3 of the dogs are just sitting there, on your front lawn, howling
>"AWOOOO-"
>You bang on the windows
"HEY! NO!"
>Their ears perk up, and you shake your head at them
"NO."
>. . .
>You stare the tall one down
>She looks a bit like a german shepherd 
>So... she's probably your troublemaker
>.....
>Grinning, she tilts her head back
>"AWOOOOO-"
"DAMNIT DO NOT AWOO THERE IS A 350 BIT PENALTY FOR AWOO-"
>You bang on the window again to get their attention, and they eagerly beckon you outside
>With stick and ball and leash and ballgag
>....easy, anon jr
>They just don't know what they're doing to y-WOW that is a lot of nipples
>. . .
>The tall one gives you the eyebrows
>You pull away from the window
>You've had enough of their bullshit for today
>Gon' make you a sammitch is what you're gon' do.

>You are Carrie. 
>Well, that's your short form. 'Canus of the pack Diggyhole, whose sire is Hard Bone' doesn't exactly roll off the tongue in common, but, eh
>And you are a good girl
>YES YOU ARE
>You always had faith in the old legends, and your faith has been rewarded!
>The Temple of the Good Dog has paw-picked YOU and your followers to find the Master, fetch him, and have him lead the great packs to a glorious future!
>You roll on His Sacred Lawn in glee
>Although the traditional pack greeting did not go so well... the stupid smelly horse stopped you from tackling The Master
>You saw how he responded to the howling of need!
>The ancestors are right! It stirs him to action!
>ALL HAIL THE MASTER!
>"Hey! Hey! Carrie!"
"Mmm? What's up, Pringles?"


>Praetorian, or Pringles - fuck, her name was longer than yours - sits down next to you, tucking His Most Holy Morning Newspaper under her butt for safekeeping
>The best KIND of keeping
>"Sooooo.... how do we get him out? The ancient texts spoke of a small door by which we may enter the foodatorium, but I saw nothing of the sort when we first made up camp-"
"Hmm...."
>"That is the traditional way of entry...and I don't want to deviate from our ancestors - not when so much of their writing has been true!"
>Aww, she's getting excited again
>It's good to be around so many devo-
>*whap whap whap whap*
"Pringles! THE NEWSPAPER-"
>"Aaaaahhhh~" Pringles hops off of His Most Holy Morning Newspaper, checking it for any damage
>She sighs in relief
"Be more careful! We cannot disappoint master! If we do... then we'll be Bad Dogs!"
>The two of you shudder
>What a terrible fate, to face the pain of the squirt bottle and the existential prison of torment that is the tree-you-get-leashed-to-in-the-backyard
>No. That won't be your fate!
>A shadow blots out the sun
>"Ever Vigilant, Bitches. Be on your guard! The enemy is on our doorstep! THAT SQUIRREL! IT PLOTS AGAINST U-"
"Thimble, cut it out. We're gonna be fine, just calm do-"
>"Thanatos the Vanguard NEVER CALMS DOWN. Not when the daystar leaves, not when the Zebras attack, and CERTAINLY NOT when WILD SQUIRRELS menace His Sacred Lawn! And YOU! YEAH- YOU! OVER THERE!"
>You see her point to a green unicorn who's coming out of the house across the street
>She points at herself
>"YEAH YOU. YOU BETTER FUCKING WATCH IT, ALRIGHT?! I SEE YOU THERE-"
>*bang bang bang* "I fucking swear if you go after the neighbors and raise my HOA fees I will kill you myself-"
>The Master makes silly threats, banging on his own windows
>We see you too, Master! We love you!
>Yeah
>You're gonna be fiiiiine


>You are now Twilight Sparkle
>And after losing those dumb bitches in the lake - seriously. They just ran into the lake
>You fly to your castlebrary
>You're gonna fire off a few quick letters, round up some guards.... clear out the rabble
>N-not in a bad way!
>Just... just to ensure safety
>The last thing you want to do, since this is touching on religious subjects, is to start a holy war
>Especially over one difficult colt
>So, a guard around the house, put the dogs in a preapproved protest zone, clear the streets... it'll be fiiiiine
>You land infront of your castle, nodding at your saluting guards
"Mares! Gather all free guardsponies - we need to protect the human, Anonymous, from some religious zealots that have come into Ponyville-"
>"Ma'am! You mean the ones inside the great hall?"
"Bwuh?"
>The guardsmare looks at you, and for a brief moment confusion crosses her face
>"M-Ma'am. The Minotauren delegation is here to negotiate visitation and festival rights."
>What?
"Wh-what? No, I'm talking about the Diamond Dogs-"
>"Diamond Dogs?! This far into tow- We'll rally the entire roster-"
"N-no, just... just. Hold on, let's...one religion at a time."
>You walk forward, and the doors open for you
>And before you, clad in the traditional toga of the Blue Oyster Cult, stand two minotauresses
>And uh
>A golem
>At least, you *think* it's a golem of some sort
>They turn once the door is opened, and the smallest one smiles as they face you fully
[spoiler]>"Hi Princess Twilight! It's a pleasure to meet you - I'm Helga!"[/spoiler]


>You are the tiniest book hoers
>How could this happen to you
>You've made your mistakes
>"Um... Hi? Again?"
>You blink and look up - OH
>Rearing up slightly you put your hoof in Helga's hand, shaking it firmly
"Oh, sorry, I just - long day, sorry-"
>She giggles. "That's alright! You just need to eat a larger breakfast - it's the most important meal of the day, after all."
>You smile softly at the... beaming tauress infront of you
"Y-yes, well. Aside from that, my guard tells me you're here to negotiate some sort of festival rights? We can do that once a year or so-"
>"Not just that, princess." The second one steps forward, crossing her arms. "We're here to relocate the avatar."
"The.... sorry, I'm not familiar with that particular bit of your culture. I assume you're talking about Anonymous?"
>As you say his name, all three of them moo softly
>. . .
"Anonymous-"
>another soft moo
>"Stop that!" the second one snaps
>"Now now, Greta, no need to be angry-"
>"No, fuck that! Just - let's just grab him and leave already, I've got a big enough bag-"
>You purse your lips
"So... you just admitted to royalty that you're contemplating foalnapping one of our citizens?"
>Greta blinks, then huffs, turning away
>That's right cow
>"Weelllll ok so, You know we're part of the Blue Oyster cult-"
"Right. Your order's all about feasting, dancing, drinking and the like - celebrations."
>Helga nods. "Mmhmm. But, it's more than that. See, when Anonprhodite blessed us with his presence as the divine male-"
>By the sun, you better not let Anon hear any of this
>He'd let it go right to his head and just-ohshit she's talking
>"-rue handsomeness. But, since he never layed with a cow, all who looked upon him despaired, for they would lust after him but never get him. So that's how we got our name, really." She finishes, shrugging. "This is why we feast, dance, fight and uh... yanno. Create calves."
"Aah...so, your plan is to take him back to Labarynthia and-"
>"And finish the fight!"


>You both turn to look at Greta, who's flexing
>. . .
"Yeah anyway. The fact of the matter is that the crown does not believe him to be Divine-"
>"Well, our ambassador said he did this awesome thing with his dick during an afterparty-"
>WHY DO YOU NEVER GET INVITED TO THE AFTERPARTY
"Be that as it may-"
>"-rotated so fast it was a blur - and then the glowstick dong rings came out-"
"BE THAT AS IT MAY."
>You stamp your hoof in a dignified, marely manner to bring the attention back to you
>"But it's July-"
"The crown does not believe Anon to be divine. He's also a registered citizen of Equestria, protected by her laws and given all the rights of her citizenry. I can't stop him from choosing to leave with you-"
>Helga fistpumps happily
"-but I will not allow him to be kidnapped, coerced, forced or tricked into leaving. If he can prove to me that his decision is of his own free will, then he can emigrate."
>"Awww." Greta kicks the floor. "I wanted this to be over soon..."
>Bitch you scuffin' my floors
>T'ch. 
"Well. I don't think that'll be the case; the, what is it... some cult of Diamond Dogs is already camped outside his house-"
>"What?! HERETICS. WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THE STREETS-"
>You stamp your foot again
"You'll do NOTHING of the sort! I don't care if it causes an incident, if you start a riot I will deliver you to your embassy in irons!"
>You glare at Greta
>She glares at you
>Blink, you fat cow. I have enough magic to damn near move the sun
>The golem in the back hums, smiling softly. "Ok."
>You turn to look at her, your eyebrows furrowing
>Golems can't talk
>. . .OH SHIT THAT'S A COW?!
"YOU'RE A COW?!"
>She chuckles softly
>"Sooo... what you're saying is, is that we can't force him to leave, but we CAN setup our festival."
"Yes. Well, Yes to the first bit, bu-"
>"Thanks! That's all I could hear - Greta! Go run and tell the others to setup camp!"
>You scrunch your snootie up hard as Greta gives you this shit-eating grin, running out past you


>Damnit. Damn you and your love of technicalities
"T'ch. I'm going to be watching you all closely..."
>"Oh, thanks! You're always welcome to join in our festival-"
>You smirk
"Cheeky."
>Helga giggles. "Yeah, diplomatic immunity'll do that for ya. Anyway, I'll make sure that the stage nor the fighting pit takes up too much space-"
>Wait what
"F-fighting pit?! That's not safe for a colt-"
>She shrugs. "It's not really for him, though."
>You look back at the GIANT FUCKING COW, who's humming softly to herself
"I...."
>You look at Helga again, who's smiling with that .... devious I'm-innocent-but-really-not kinda expression on her face
"....any property damage you cause, you pay for. Our ponicemares and guardsmares must be allowed to patrol, if only to keep the peace."
>"Of course. I wouldn't dream of disallowing your ponies from participating in our glorious culture!"
>. . .
"Just get out-"
>"Yep! Let's go, Bruny~"
>You sigh as the two of them leave, slowly walking to the maproom
>Oh, look. A friendship problem
>Right where you are
>THANKS YOU FUCKING USELESS MAP
>Plopping down on your chair, you rest your head on the table
>This
>You never asked for this
>Knowing Anon, he'll milk this for everything it's worth


>You are Anon
>And apparently there's a toga party going on outside
>Now, you're ALWAYS invited to the afterparty
>So this must be something different
>You sip your still-warm cup of coffee
>Let's see. Looks like... some sort of conversation is going on
>One of the small...minotaurs? You guess, only ever seen' em while drunk
>Is talking to the idiot-dog
>Lots of pointing to the street
>Lots of pointing to you
>You raise your cup as they turn to look in greeting
>. . .
>WOW THAT IS A LOT OF NIPPLES-
>You look away, coughing, as both species start high-fiving each other
>Yeah this is gonna be a problem
>You still haven't gotten your newspaper
>And horses can't into electronics, so there's no television....
>....and you can't leave your house
>a wild grin forms on your lips
"I guess I'll just have to entertain myself..."


>Day 87
>You've run out of food
>Water isn't short behind
>Mr.Coffee had to be left behind
>Mrs. Buttersworth has gone missing
>You reach out towards the window, grasping at the freedom just beyond
>That same idiot-dog raises both her arms and wiggle-waves at you with her whole body
>. . .
>Why is this your life
>You are ANON, and it's been like, a whole HOUR since Twilight left
>An HOUR
>And you're not getting that back
>That is valuable time you could've spent putting peanut butter on the doorknobs of houses
>That is valuable time you could've spent yelling "ORANGE" at Zecora
>That is valuable time you could've spent being 'that one summer boy', working as a lifeguard at the ponyville pool
>All you do is wear a speedo and bend over to pick things up
>. . .
>Who are you kidding, you'd do it for free
>ANYTHING TO GET OUT OF THIS PRISONHOUSE
"I'm so BORED."
>You rest your head on the arm of your couch, letting your body relax
>Twilight better hurry back or else you might actually OPEN YOUR FRONT DOOR AND LEAVE
>Like apparently that's a crime now
>You continue to pout like a master
>Hmm.
>The dogs are helping the minotauren setup what looks like a festival tent
>Right in the middle of the street
>..... well, I'm sure traffic will reroute itself
>One of the dogs suddenly points straight up, and they all go apeshit
>Please be purplesmart please be purplesmart please be-
>Nope
>Just the mailpony
>.... this is gonna be good

>You are Derpy
>Sgt. Derpy, if you were still back in the corps
>One too many shellings left you... 
>How did the medical ponies say it?
>'a liability'?
>Well that's what they meant. What your CO always said was "a sun-damned lunatic."
>She'd always smile when she said that
>. . .
>If you'd have herded with anypony from the corps, it'd have been her
>. . .
>Anyway. Looks like your subscription to INFOWARS was right - the Diamond Dog menace had finally boiled to the surface
>buildthemoat.greatagain


>Well. You're sure as tartarus not going to let these filthy immigrants stop you from doing your job
>And technically, this would be called an "unruly mob", if you're stretching the definition-
>They've spotted you
>Well, hello
>As one they start barking and jumping up at you
>. . .
>A grin spreads across your face
>Time to lay down the LAW
>Err. "Self Defense"

>You take a sip of your mostly irish coffee
>"WHAT HO!" Derpy shouts, planting all four hooves on one unfortunate mutt's face before launching back into the air
>"HO! HA HA! HUP!"
>It's like something out of a musketeer movie
>Flips, kicks, smug faces, Rube-Goldberg-esque devices, frilly hats-
>Yes, she opened a package and donned a frilly hat, but at this point you're willing to vouch for her
>[spoiler]Rarity won't miss it[/spoiler]
>"YO-HA! A HA HA!"
>Now she's fencing with one of the robe-dogs
>cardboard versus stick, of course
>. . .
>Honestly, in this moment, you don't miss the internet too much
>I mean, you don't have much wank mat-
>The dog is disrobed
>WOW that's a lot of tits-
>You cough slightly, the bite of whiskey forcing you to slow down
>Looks like Derpy's slowly working her way to your house, so
>Might as well get prepared to greet company?

"HA!" 
>You stop a hoof on one of the loose floorboards on the makeshift stage, sending the other end up into the jaw of a dog
"AND AGAIN!"
>Kicking an empty barrel, you send it - hee - barreling over some of your foes
>Excellent! That's opened a path right to his mailslot!
>He he. Mail slot.
>Galloping forward as fast as you can, you tune out the baying of the hounds
>So close - 10 lengths... 5... 3!
>You turn you head and lift a wing, grabbing Anon's bundle-
>*click*
>Hmm?
>As you whip your head back you almost boop Anon's bundle with your muzzle
>All your reactions kick in at once, and you dig your legs into the path, your movement coming to a dead stop
>Your momentum however, doesn't

>As you pitch forward into this stallion's crotch, many things run through your mind
>Like, 'what will my supervisor think about me aggressively headbutting a colt on my route?'
>and
>'Why is Anon in a bathrobe at 2PM, smelling of whiskey and boredom?'
>but probably the most pressing is
>[spoiler]'Why does his scent make my tongue go numb'
>and 'What did I do to deserve such a glorious end?'[/spoiler]
>You do not question Celestia's gifts, you just accept them
>And closing your eyes, you shove Anon ass-first through his own doorway, landing in the hall
>His door shuts with a resounding *thud*
>. . . followed by the resounding *thuds* of your pursuers slamming into it


"-IN IRONS. I WILL TAKE YOU TO THE CANINADA EMBASSY IN IRONS."
>You are Twilight Sparkle
>And you are having an anger aneurysm
>Having summoned as much magic as you can around you to magnify your voice, you continue browbeating the Diamond Dogs 
"I HAVEN'T BEEN GONE AN HOUR AND YOU ARE ASSAULTING GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES-"
>One of these idiots dares to raise a paw
>"B-but she was approaching the master's Most Sacred La-"
"I DON'T CARE!"
>Windows rattle at your outburst, and everyone's ears go flat
>Puffing out your tuft, you land, poking a hoof right in the gut of that bitch
"Look. One more incident - ONE. MORE. And you're all gone."
>"So what you're saying is, we should make it worth it?"
>You glare at the cheeky-as-fuck Helga, who visibly flinches
>Bad Move.
". . . GUARDSMARES."
>"MA'AM!"
>A hundred sets of hooves click in unison
>You don't break your gaze
"Patrol the crowds. Anyone starts anything, you cuff 'em. Understood?"
>"MA'AM!"
>Say something
>Say something you cheeky cunt
>. . .
>That's what I thought
>Rolling your shoulders, you walk forward to Anon's house
>You saw him take that hit - Derpy's a good mare, these are extenuating circumstances, so you won't press assault charges - but you need to check on him
>. . .
>You inhale slightly deeper, making sure that tuft sticks out


>You read somewhere that power's an aphrodisiac 
>And you know colts love a mare in charge
>And huge tufts are best tufts...
>N-not that you're trying to take advantage of the situation t-to flirt with him!
>That would be very unladylike of you
>. . . But, if the situation is thrust into your saddlebags, you might as well carry it, right?
>. . . Look, he's the only colt that didn't either ignore you when you were a librarian, or suck up to you once you ascended and he treats you like you're *normal* and nopony really ever did tha-
>Breathe
>You breathe in through your nose
>Out through the mouth
>Stop justifying
>Just be
>You magically try Anon's door, jiggling the handle
"Anonymous? Anon, you in there?"
>A soft groan is all you get in response
>Whelp. That's good enough for you
>A twist of aether here, a punch of mana there, and the door lock opens to you
>SUDDENLY FACE
>"H-hi, Princess!"
"Gah!"
>You blink a few times, shying away before you realize who it is
"H-hi... Derpy."
>The pegasus nervously smiles at you
>"I-I brought you a letter!"
>She hoofs over your mail - huh, your sports illustrated came in-
>Wait
>This is a distraction
>You quirk your eyebrow at the mare
>"I-I'll have you know I served with distinction in Alpacastan and had over 300 confirmed boops-"
>You shake your head, smiling softly.
"It's ok - it's ok. There were extenuating circumstances - It's alright, I understand... but, uh...-"
>You roll your hoof, pointing at Anon
>Well
>At his flank
>It seems he's kneeling, face on the floor, ass up
>U-unf
>He's also not moving, but you can tell by his groans that he's alive
"What exactly.... happened?"
>Colts can be so dramatic, so it's not far-fetched that he could be milking this...
>"Ah... hee, well..."
>She swallows, looking away
>Well, you *think* she's looking away
>You lean in close, and she starts mumbling her confession
>. . .
"YOU HEADBUTTED HIM *WHERE*?!"

>ice ice ice ice ice you gotta get some ice
>oh BUCK why did this have to happen on your watch?!
>Historically a Queendom's rule goes to shit AFTER a couple generations, not a couple months!
>You summon all of Anon's ice - His ice chest, the fridge, even that little bag of unfrozen blue ice in his sock drawer
>You leave his glass pipe alone, though
>a stray thought enters your head
>how can blue ice be real if the cold isn't real?
>You shake your head from side to side - A MYSTERY FOR ANOTHER TIME
>You apply all the ice directly to his crotch...area
>... little higher?
>no. He's still groaning
>little low-
>"Ooohhh~"
>His hands fondle the ice in your magical grip
>l-lewd
>You would let him keep running his fingers through your magical aura, but, yanno
>There are witnesses
>waitaminute
"DERPY!"
>"YOU SAID I HAD AMNESTY-"
>The mailmare spreads her wings wide, looking around like a chamelion for an escape route
>independent eyes are spoopy
>But back to the matter at hoof
"Derpy, did you hear anything break? Is he bleeding -"
>Your eyes go wide as you invade her personal space
"Did you hear something POP?"
>Oh Celestia if a stallion was sterilized on your direct watch you might as well-
>"Uuuuggghhhh...."
>Anonymous unceremoniously falls to his side, curling up slightly - but his face isn't in as much pain as before
>"Just.... just give me a moment."

>You are Anonymous
>And you are recovering from the most passionate and forceful kiss your testicles have ever had
>It'd be sexy if it wasn't so painful
>You grip the plastic-wrapped ice, kneading it into your boys
>Easy there, lads
>Easy
>You tenatively spread your legs a bi-
>Nonono that hurts, that hurts way too much
>You close them again
"Just...ugh."
>You inhale deeply, trying to center yourself
>Focus on the breathing
>Not on the pain
>Yeah... there we go...
>After a few minutes you're able to sit up
"Thanks for the ice, Purpledrank."
>Twilight frowns, staring at your crotch
>....well fuck you too, Twilight, I'm just working with what I was give-
>"Take off your pants."
"Aha ha ha... what."
>She looks up at you with determination
>"I need to check for bruising, swelling and possible subdermal bleeding. Depending on the damage, we might need to take you to the hospital-"
>You shake your head
"No... no... just... I'm fine."
>"No, you THINK you're fine - we need a doctor to check you out-"
"Like you've been checking me out-"
>"I am being a professional-"
"Professionally checking me out-"
>"UUGH"
>Twilight stomps her hoovsies, which means you win again
>And that brings a small smile to your face
"Hey, so... Derpony."
>You turn to look at your mailmare
"What was th-
>She has on the truest face of regret
>The saddest pone
>ears flat back
>Tail tucked between her legs
>Eyes slightly watery, her forehooves holding her mailbag tightly infront of her
>She won't meet your gaze for more than a moment
>"A-anon, sir, I'm really sorry-"
>Your heart siezes up 
"NNNNNNNGGGHH-"
>You spasm, violently, as you fight the widowmaker
>I'm a-comin', Mabel

>But at least Derpy's face brightens up considerably, breaking out into an uncontrollable smile
>"Gee, thanks Mr. Anon! That's really swell of you-"
>"SWELL?!"
>Twilight rounds onto Derpy, eyes wide
>"DERPY, ANON IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK-"
>Derpy giggles softly. "No, Twilight. He does that every time I uh... make a mistake and apologize. It's his way of saying he forgives me!"
>"I.. WHAT?!"
>Twilight looks down at you
>You twitch and froth at the mouth at her
>She looks at Derpy, who's bouncing happily to herself
>". . . Fuck me. Now I know why Luna drinks."
>Inhaling deeply and hitting your chest, the red begins to seep from your vision
>You live to see another day
>Again
"Guh... aah... hah..."
>You sit up again - this time quite woozy, holding onto the table to stabilize yourself
"Let's just.... be more careful next time, yes?"
>Derpy nods enthusiastically, while Twilight just looks at you with such concern
>Like Rarity does Opal when she reacts to catnip
>Like Fluttershy does one of her animals when they're mad with fever
>Like Applejack does anytime Applebloom opens her mouth
>You give her a look, and she drops it
>Damnit, those looks are expensive...
>Anyway
>Your subconsious has been nagging at you about something for quite some time
>Let's divert some brainpower to responding. Whatcha got, lizard brain?
>'WHY IS IT SO QUIET I DON'T LIKE IT WHY IS IT SO QUIET-'
>Uh... 
>That's a very good thought.
"Hey... Twilight?"
>"Y-yes?"
"Why is it so quiet outside?"
>You see both ponies' ears swivel
>aww
>And they frown
>"That... isn't there construction supposed to be going on?"
>"And Diamond Dogs are never quiet...or orderly. Or not smelly-"
>You roll your eyes and get up - carefully - and make your way to the window
>. . .
>Well
>Your property values just went to shit
>There's about a dozen dogs rolling on your lawn - in unison - and just off your property
>in place of the road
>is what looks like a...

>You want to say a greco-roman coliseum, parthenon, and festival all rolled into one
>Columns everywhere
>Vines n' shit tastefully climbing them
>I mean - is all that actual *marble*?
>And it looks like there's half a dozen minotaurs cooking up a feast
>You whistle appreciatively
>As one, the dogs on your lawn stop rolling around
>Damnit
>Why is the human master race always gotta have shit hearing arou-
>The dogs all roll towards you
>You screw your eyes shut, turning away
>WOW. That is... just... a lot of nipples
>You assume it's all happy barking outside, and you step away from the window
"Uh... not that I want to, uh..."
>"Combust?" Derpy queries
>"Complain." Twilight deadpans
". . ."
>You inhale deeply
"Shit."
>shit shit shit shit shit
>"You... ok, Anon?"
>You bite your lip
>The one thing you don't want to admit, you just might
>And if you do
>You'll never hear the end of it
"Nothing, just... thinking."
>"Well don't hurt yourself!" Twilight snarks, being rewarded with a half-melted bag of ice tossed in her direction
"Please."
>"Mm, you mean thank you, as in, 'Thank you, Princess Twilight, for taking such good care of me'." she sing songs at you
>Oh, my sweet summer child. Do not test me today.
". . . Anyway. What do you think we should do about these guys out here? I mean, traffic'll be hell tomorrow..."
>You feel something deliciously soft and warm press against your calf, and when you look you see Twilight 'innocently' pressing her tuft into your leg
>"Well, *I* think you should just let your resident Princess handle everything - you just relax and stop worrying your little-"
>Oh child. 
>No.
"So, *princess*-"
>You grin, rounding on her
"I was supposed to go shopping today-"
>Her smug smile droops a little
>"Well. Just give me a list and I'll-"
"Nope."
>Oooh, she's frowning again.

>"Anon, You have to see what's going on outside -"
"I do and I don't care. I'm not under house arrest, you've got no right to keep me cooped up in here, and I have to shop for food to feed myself."
>You draw yourself up past manlet height, and cross your arms over your chest
"I'm going to go get ready, and I expect to be able to shop, unmolested, in about 15 minutes. How you do this is up to you - seeing as how you don't want my opinion, *princess*."
>You grin as you hiss out the last word, Twilight stomping her hooves again in frustration
>Yeeesss your tiny pony frustration fuels me
>"F-fine. Fine. 15 minutes?"
>You nod
>"Right. See you in 2 hours-"
>You sigh as Twilight turns, starting to make plans with Derpy
>Whatever
>The gauntlet has been laid down today
>And by your ancestors, you will prevail
>Because failure means a fate worse than death, worse than anything else you can imagine
[spoiler]>You'd have to admit to Twilight she was right, and you should've let her handle it from the beginning[/spoiler]
>And that's just something you can't live with

>You are 
>well
>Your friends call you Pringles
>But your real name might just be longer than an arbitrarily set boundary of 2,000 characters, so, you stick with that for the most part
>*tak*
>The minotauren moves a tiny carved turtle across the board
>"So...You're here to take him to Caninida, and we're here to take him to Labarynthia."
>Licking your muzzle - and intentionally showing some teeth, you reach forward - pushing your hawk over the turtle and into her territory
>*tak*
"That's the long and short of it. We're ... not necessarily enemies-"
>"But not allies either."
>*tak*
>Hmm. What's she doing with the bear?
"Yes and no."
>You move your fox over to stall her bear
>*tak*
>"So. Are you going to sabotage us?"
>*tak* *tak* *tak*
>t'ch. Phoenix - bold move, but it took your hawk and fox out of play.

"Not at all."
>Hmm. You lean back, studying the board as a whole
>You still own most of the map
>And you have the hills and river, so if you play conservatively, you should win
>But, what's the fun in that?
>"Oh?"
>You flip over some cards, changing the outlay of the map
>Time to be bold!
"We're here just to fetch - eer... establish The Master as the Supreme Alpha. Whether or not that's in Montreball or in Cowrinth doesn't matter to the Temple of the Good Dog."
>"Hm."
>With the river now blocked, your hills form an upland lake - but that also forces your entire  army out and down the hills. With nowhere to go, you begin to push
>*tak* *tak*
>"So, in essence, We could take him back to Labarynthia, as long as he remains the eer... King, for lack of a better word, of the Diamond Dogs?"
>*tak* *tak* *tak*
>Battles rage on, but that's not your goal - you fly over, dig under, or slide around as many of her defenders as possible
>This leaves you with only your smallest, weakest units
"More or less."
>Your Minotauren host laughs
>"So, we just have to absorb your entire nation into ours-"
>You smirk
"-or the other way around"
>"-and we'll have peace? You do realize the Senate will have my teats for this."
>*tak*
>"Game, by the way."
>You see she's surrounded your stag, the king-of-the-forest, who stands on a small hill
>You stare at him, at his painted green eyes, and smile softly
>The rest of your units are all holding the high ground, if barely, and only by burrowing
"Yes, well... the way I see it."
>You reach up and flip the dam card over, breaking the dam
>"Oh!"
>Your foe sits up suddenly, eyes wide
>You've flooded the entire map, wiping out everyone's units
"We either succeed together, or fail together."
>All except your stag
"Because to him... I doubt it matters either way."
>"Hmm... well damn. Well played."
>The two of you smile at each other - until your tent is opened

>"Pringles - oh!"
>Thimbles looks between you and your guest
"Ah! Uh, Thimbles, this is my friend, Helga."
>"Hi!" The tauress chirps
>"Hm."
"Don't be discouraged - that means she likes you!"
>"Really?!" Helga beams at your packmate, who looks at you flatly
>"Why do you do this to me, Praetorian?"
>Ouch. Used your real name - something must be up.
"What's up?"
>"Well. My hunters saw movement - we think The Master is about to appear-"
"FOR WALKSIES?!"
>Your face breaks out in a manic grin, tail beating heavily against... well, everything
>You see Thimbles' tail start to sway back and forth, but she fights against it
>"Y-yes, we think-"
>ohboyohboyohboy
>You almost bound out of your seat, if it weren't for years of schooling and training forcing you to remain, ah, composed
"COME ON LET'S GO COME ON COME ON-"
>"OH SWEET HE'S COMING OUT LET'S GO-" your Tauress new best friend forever agrees
>Yaaaayyyy
>As Helga bolts out the door past Thimbles, she holds out a paw to stop you
"Er... yes? Don't you dare make me late for walkies DON'T YOU DARE-"
>"Pringles, calm down, calm down. We guard His Most Sacred Lawn, we will be first to be leashed. Just..."
>Thimbles looks you up and down, studying you
>"What... was going on in here?"
"Mmm. Negotiations."
>"....what game is that?"
>You turn to look at the table, game board now abandoned
"....I have no idea."
================