I'm working on the Gripes of Wrath, but, our thread waifu caught my heart. So, enjoy this totally unplanned oneshit that will probably turn into another fucking long saga. Fuck.

>Be Sea Shell
>You wiggle a little in your seat, the red vinyl making that squeeka-squeeka noise that you like so much
>Mmmm. How do they make vinyl?
>Isn't there a pony named vinyl? She's a DJ, right?
"Hmmm...."
>You notice your hips start to move- 
>OH
>IT IS A ROTATING STOOL
>The Candy Bar is the BEST BAR
>You rotate your hips
>slowly moving to the right
>*thunk* 
"Eeee~"
>Grinning wide, you heft your weight, now rotating to the left
>*thunk*
"Eeee~"
>*squeeka squeeka squeeka-*
>*Pfff*
>Huh. You didn't make that noi-
>You inhale sharply and deeply as a blush forms across your muzzle
>Damnit SS, why are you such a ditz
>A colt - you can tell by the deep voice as he talks to the mare behind the counter - sits down RIGHT NEXT TO YOU
>DAMNIT
>You quickly twist your body so that you're facing the counter again, your hooves reaching for your lime-and-seltzer
>You sip it slowly, like a badflank mare
>Yeah. That's right. There's not even any ADDED SUGAR to this!
>Your lips pucker a bit, but hopefully he doesn't notice
>....
>Notice me!
>Nooottiiiccee Meeeeeeee-

>You are Anon
>And although SCC has some of the best confections out there
>They don't really have a large drink selection. 
>Milkshakes, ice cream - sure, but. If you wanted something with some real fizz, or anything non-dairy, you had to look elsewhere
>That's why you're at The Chocolate Bar, an aptly named soda joint
>And judging by how much fun that mare at the counter is having, this is an excellent place to grab a drink.

>>27817818
>You sit down next to the girl, apparently surprising her
>Heh. That whole "moving silently" thing is both a blessing and a curse
>Though, the bell did chime
>And you did say hi to some ponies in the bar
>And to the greeter
>...and to the bartender-
>Ah well. To each their own
"Hey."
>"Well hello there, sir! Welcome to The Chocolate Bar. Are you looking for something smooth or fizzy?"
>You mull it over a bit
"Hm...fizzy. What are my options?"
>*sip*
>"Well, we've got lighter, fruity flavors, or some darker, richer ones. Do you want a sensation, or something to relax you - or pep you up?"
>*siiiiip*
>Hmm. Tons of choices - the bottles behind the mare remind you of an actual bar...
"Let's try something with a kick. Anything sour?"
>"I have some kumquat syrup-"
>You grin
"Yeah, let's go wi-"
>*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip*
>You nod at the mare before slowly turning towards your bar-buddy
>She's looking up at you, holding her glass with both hooves, a sour expression on her face - even behind the loopy silly straw
"Uh... Hello?"
>You smile softly - no teeth, no need to spook
>"Gah! Hah... ahh...-"
>She heaves for a while, catching her breath, before looking at you with steely determination
>"I did it, ma!"
>You nod softly, giving her a little clap

>You are SS
>WHY WAS THAT THE FIRST THING YOU SAID
>WHY
>You wanted him to notice you
>And then you thought about all the things you've done in the past to get noticed
>Sure, you weren't... the favorite in your family growing up
>I mean, you got your cutie mark by messing around on the beach, for Celestia's sake
>It wasn't a Sextant like your oldest sister
>Or a tornado like your middle
>Or matching boxing-shoes, like those twins behind you
>. . . you tried hard, ok!
>And just cause you were thinking about all the stuff you've done to get noticed
>And to impress... anypony
>You let your mouth run
>And now YOU RUINED IT
>YOU JUST WANTED TO BE NO-oh hey, he's smiling
[spoiler]>....shit what do you do now?![/spoiler]

>>27817888
>Ok ok ok you can do this
>You can do the thing
>Puffing out your tuft, you give him your winningest smile
"That had no sugar in it!"
>. . .
>Mentally you facehoof
>THAT IS WHAT YOU FOLLOW UP WITH
>WE ARE SUPPOSED TO NOT BE EATING OUR OWN HOOVES HERE
>"Well. That's certainly impressive - though, I wouldn't order that. Not to my tastes."
>O-oh. OK, he's - he's impressed!
"Y-yeah. I'm a toughie!"
>'toughie'? 
>aaaaaaahhhhhhh
>He chuckles softly
>Oh that's a smooth voice
>"I don't doubt it. Do you want another?" His paw reaches out and stops his drink from sliding past him, pulling it from the bar rut to between his forehooves. Forepaws.
>...why are colts just so... effortlessly perfect?
>dangit now you're going to make it awkward because you don't know minotaur anatomy!
"I uh. Whats-"
>As he takes a sip of his drink, you point a hoof in his vague direction
>"I.. oh! This? Sure - here."
>He turns towards you and slides his drink forward, smacking his tongue against the roof of his mouth
>"It's got a kick, though, but-"
>...haaaaaaaaa he's sharing his drink with you?!?
>What are you doing right and how do you do this again?!
>You try to mouth out some words, but you can't
>This... this is just like one of your japonese-

>You are Anon
>And... maybe you've offended barbuddy horse?
>She just keeps looking at the end of your straw, blushing, and murmuring something
>... oh! Oh, right. Duh.
>You're so used to everything being perfect in this technicolor marshmallow planet that you forget things sometimes
>Like, yanno. Maybe ponies are ok with mouthing everything, but that might not extend to non-pone races
"A-ah, here, then. Just use your straw-"
>You reach over and pluck her super-silly straw out of her drink and plop it in yours
>"eeeeeeee-"
>Oh shit now she's just emitting a soft squeal and rotating in her seat again
>Fuck you don't know horse etiquette
>You start looking for the exits incase you need to bail

>SENPAI IS SHARING HIS DRINK WITH YOU
>AAAAAAAAAAA
>AAAAAAAA
>Ok ok ok ok
>W E W  L A S S
>You breathe in deeply, stopping your wiggling
>Time to MARE UP
>MARE UP and make him YOURS
>Seal that deal!
>Do the Dew!
>Shoot the Hooch!
>Boop the Snoot!
>At some point these psych-up phrases will work and you'll do the thing!
>...it's not working!
>You swallow hard and look up at him again
>He's looking around - probably for another, better mare
>...just like your mom said they wou-
>No
>Not again!
>You're wrong, ma!
"I'll show you!"
>You plant your hoof on the counter and lean forward, taking your straw in your mouth and giving it a good suck
>...you know, this could be lewd-
>You grin and look at the colt's face as you continue to suck out the air, the fluid rising around one look
>You give him the eyebrows
>he grins a foxy grin
>two loops
>Mmmm... Working the tongue along the straw, the fluid goes through it's third and final loop
>Work your tongue for the release - that's what colts like, right? Just lick the bottom an-
>Your mouth is now awash in sweet, fizzy goodness
>....until your brain realizes what flavor this is
>You have made a terrible mistake

>You are Anon
>And dangit, you fucked up
>Of course the barmare gives you a tall drink
>Of course, you didn't slide it far enough over
>Now this adorable mare, who you're trying to be nice to, has to lean herself over and fumble with the straw
>You give her your best "I'm so sorry" + "why can't we be friends" look
>She wiggles her eyebrows at you
>You smile
>At least she's taking it with grace
>Dangit. You can be really careless somet-
>*bof*
>Woah
>. . .
>"Ah...haab....nnhhaaa"
>...did her face break the sound barrier?!
>You've never seen a pony scrunch up that hard or fast before
>She looks like a fucking pug
"A-are... are you ok-"
>"heb....heeeb....ah haaa-"


>You are Sea Shell
>And you have made a TERRIBLE MISTAKE
>as soon as the taste hit your tongue, you scrunched up
>HARD
>Your vision goes dark
>You are likely to be eaten by a Grue
>Your tongue, shriveled and useless, smacks against the roof of your mouth in an attempt to-
>You're not even sure anymore
>You sway your head back and forth, as if your hindbrain is trying to shake out the sourness
>Gaaahhh why would anyone order kumquat syrup
>WHY
"Nnnnhhhhh~"
>Somewhere in the back of your mind you realize that your wiggling is causing your stool to turn
>*thunk*
"Hhhhhhh-"
>*thunk*
"Akghk-"
>Why does this always happen to you?
>You meet a nice colt
>Miraculously, he doesn't run away from you in the first few minutes
>Then: shit like this
>Your eyes tear up - be it from the sourness, your public humiliation, or the knowledge of what will soon come next, you're not sure
>Just once, you want to... feel the warmpth of somepony that's not standing in line next to you
>Just once, you want to be welcomed
>But noooo, you're the stupid pony
>You have dead fish stamped on your flank
>You have no-oh hey now

>You are Anon
>And... apparently you broke this horse
>So you're going to fix her
>Consequences will never be the same
>You reach over, stopping her stool rain-dance wiggle, petting her mane
"Hey, it's ok... it's ok-"
>"Hhhhhnnooooo~"
>You nod, almost instinctively pulling her into a hu-
>Whoops
>She starts to slide out of her seat, so you pick her up and place her in your lap
>Dangit, this is why you don't have any horsefriends outside of the elements
"I'm sorry. I really - I should've warned you, and I've been a really bad uh... total stranger. Can you forgive me, miss...?"

>"-forgive me miss...?"
>...EH?!
>He's apologizing to YOU?
>You mean to say 'Miss? What?' but it comes out as
"Bioh? Ehulul?"
>Which... isn't really any better or worse than you've been doing
>This colt
>You're doing everything to make this go teats up and yet he stays
>"Bio? Bomb? What?"
>He looks down at your flank
>y-yes!
>"uh.. oh! Bomb Shell!"
>n-no!
>But he smiles so wide when he speaks to you

>>27818189
>"What a very apt name-"
>of course
>here's the mocking
>He was too good; too pure for this world to be re-
>"-for a very pretty pony."
>. . .
>You...
>your brain doesn't know what to do now
>You look up at him, blushing hard, resting your head in the crook of his shoulder
>P...pretty?
>No, you were bomb shell because you always bombed...well, everything
>N-no colt other than daddy called you pretty-
>. . .
>wh-where's that whine coming from?

>You are Anon
>And you broke the horse once more
>Your new (hopeful) friend Bomb Shell just wiggled into your arms and started to whine, pressing her muzzle into your shoulder
>Every so often she looks at your face, then quickly looks away
>Your feel a spike of pain jolt through your heart
>NNNGH, fuck
>This horse is adorable
>H-hopefully she won't press charges or something
>I mean, you did cause her to have a seizure
>Then you accosted her
>Gave her public cuddles, which is apparently...a thing here....
>...and now you've caused another siezure-
>Dangit. You're not going to the quiet corner
>not again
"S-so... I uh..."
>You smile a winning smile, every so often catching her gaze
"Well. Would you like to try something else here? My treat - a, as an apology, of course."
>You feel her nod into your shoulder, her wings ruffling against your arms
>bullet: dodged
>No quiet corner for you today! Not ever again!
>Take that, [spoiler]Cuddle Wings![/spoiler]

>You are Anon
>God help you
>After Bomb Shell's face un-pugged, you offered to buy her a drink as an apology
>A nice, cool strawberry sizzle
>(extra sugar, but you didn't let her see that part of the order)
>For a while, everything was ok
>Tiny horse perched on your lap
>Adorable, sparkly eyes staring deep into your own
>Blush... forming on her... cute face
[spoiler]>S-senpai noticed her[/spoiler]
>But then she did the...turning around thing that a cat does before sitting down
>Slammed her flank on your lap
>u-unf
>And then started tormenting you

>*wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle*
>You are Bo-SEA SHELL
>But you could be forgiven for thinking you were somepony else
>I mean, a total 11/10 qt horsebando minotaur hits on you and you totally mare up and nothing bad happened at all and you swept him off his hooves and took him home and rutted all ni-
>You clop your forehooves together in glee as your mental movie continues to play out
>I mean, you can hope now!
>You didn't bomb it!
>Ooooh you're so happy you just can't stop WIGGLING
>You broke the ice with a colt....like...thing
>A male
>And now he's having another drink with you
>And then you walk him home and ask for some coffee
>And then... 
>You stop wiggling for a moment, suddenly deep in thought

>You are Anon
>Thank you Lord; you don't need more mares following you home from popping a public boner
>You sigh deeply as you will the kraken back to it's cav-

>Hmmmmm....
>You know, thinking back to your foalhood....
>....you're not sure what happens then.
>But daddy always giggled whenever mom told that story, so...
>...so it must be something good!
>And then kisses and horse-hugs and then foals and then you can parade him around town and rub his flank RIGHT IN MOM'S STUPID HORSE FAC-
>You can't help but full-body wiggle right now cause EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL-

>>27899344
>You are Fizzy Sips
>And... you really need to hurry up on this order
>You're not paying full attention to the colt+mare couple over there at the bar-
>Tartarus, you get enough couples as is
>And there *are* other ponies to serve
>But, something is happening
>You can feel it in the earth
>You can feel it in your bones
>The mare's happily clapping to herself... eyes closed, ok, that's -whatever
>The colt, however, is gripping the bar tightly
>Like. His claws have gone from green to a light green - even white in some places
>His head is tilted back, teeth bared in a rictus grin
>I mean, you know you worked slow sometimes, but no need to be THAT dramatic
>Perfection takes time
>As the mare starts to wiggle and bounce, the tall minotaur starts to froth a little at the mouth
>YOU'RE JUST ONE MARE, COLT. COME ON.
>EVERYPONY'S A CRITIC

>-and then You'll show him off to Moondancer and then SHE'LL be the beta mare and then you'll use that psychological push to your advantage to FINALLY WIN A GAME OF BANHAMMER40K-
>You raise your forehooves up in victory, lost in your daydream
>YOU CAN BRING YOUR COLT TO THE GAME STORE! They said they'd give you that 800 bit CanterCastle Titan if you ever brought in a colt-
>Your face breaks into an open-mouthed, silent cheer
>Today is best day!

>You are Anon
>You feel your soul leaving your body
>By sheer willpower, you're forcing yourself not to have a boner
>Not here, Not now
[spoiler]>Not again[/spoiler]
>You know as soon as she feels jr, she'll cause a scene, and then PONICE WINGS CUDDLE JANE will be there
>It's like she knows
>"Here's your drink! No need to be so dramatic-"
>You hear it slide down the bar, and you know what must be done
>But what a heavy price to pay
>Leaning forward, with your right hand, you stop the drink sliding down the bar
>This causes you to press against your new friend, Bomb Shell
>This causes her wiggles to go in all the wrong places
>Billymaysgivemestrength.mightyputty

>>27899408
"Drr- Drr.... Drr~"
>Why can't you word
>'Drink is here, Bomb Shell!'
>That's not hard to say, so SAY IT
>Damn. The bonermancy is strong with this mare
>Not your fault they all have birthing hips and come-hither eyes
>And then this!
>"Oh!"
>She gasps
>"I-It was made for me!"
>She holds it inbetween her hooves, bringing it close
>"But...gee. Why do I get two straws?"
>She puts one in her mouth and then starts chasing the other around the glass with her lips
>Your body aches as blood rushes from your dick to your heart
>Hnnnggghhh
>All she's accomplishing is getting the whipped cream on her chin
>W-whatever
>The kraken is asleep
>Your new friend is still... your friend, you hope
>You really hope
[spoiler]>You need an excuse to get away from twilight time[/spoiler]

>Mmmmmmmm~
>Strawberry goodness
>You're Sea Shell, the best and most suave mare
>And this is a much better drink than before!
>Kumquat syrup. Who in the right mind would even-
>Oh, right. Anon
>ANON. FUCK.
>You look up at your horsebando, realizing that, once again, you've been off in your own little world
>Damnit, SS. Get it together!
"O-oh, I'm sorry! I uh... I um..."
>What would Daring Do say in a situation like this
>'Don't worry, kid. One day I'll get screen time again.'
>Damnit, that didn't help at all
>What would your mom say?
>....something racist and sexist, most likely
>Damnit mom
>You're trying to win, ok?!
>"Y-yeee?" Anon sighs, his left eye twitching ever-so-cutely
>You gotta win! You gotta seal this deal!
>JANE MEADOW JANE MEADOW JANE MEADOW
>"W-who? What-"
>No this isn't hoofball
>Wait-
>Your face explodes in a blush as you realize what you softly chanted at him
"I'm plotting!"
>You meant to say PLANNING
>"O-oh?"
>You nod
"-And, I'll take you-"
>You mean, 'would you like to come-"
"-to a hay bar."
>WHSAKLDJA
>WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING RIGHT NOW
>You start to whine softly, not breaking eye contact with him
>As long as you maintain eye contact you will remain alpha
>REMAIN ALPHA

>>27899493
>You are Anon
>Not for much longer
>This mare is going to kill you
>You lean back slightly, still keeping your arms on either side of her
>Still gripping the bar, just in case
>Turning around slightly in your lap, she looks up at you
>Whipped-cream soul patch and everything
>She gives you a look of D E T E R M I N A T I O N
>And then... promptly mumbles something at you
>Whelp
"Y-yeee?"
>Eesh. Words are still hard
>COME ON BODY, COME ON
>"Jane Meadow Jane Meadow Jane Meadow-"
>What?
>You shake your head slightly, trying to make the audio hallucinations go away
>"I'm plotting!"
>She furrows her brow at you as she says this
"O-oh?"
>There we go. Words are happening.
>"And I'll take you to a hay bar."
>She nods softly, looking directly into your eyes
>Just... deeply
>Like a deer does oncoming headlights
>Ears splayed back, mouth half-open, another soul-piercingly desperate whine coming from.... somewhere
>Her eyes widen
>...fuck is she staring into the infinite or something?!
>oh, right
>Jackass, she's waiting for you to say something
"W-well, I mean... I'm allergic to hay-"

>THIS IS HOW IT ENDS
>Deus iræ, deus illa-

>Your new little friend starts to vibrate
>Like, full-body vibrate
>oh dear
>You gently grab her sides, petting her off whatever little mental ledge she's on
"-but I'd be happy to meet you again? Say, for lunch tomorrow - there's this little outdoor bistro near the park we could go to-"
>You suddenly screw your eyes shut
>Because you've learned something today
>If happy enough, ponies will spontaneously sparkle
>"AAAAAAAAA YAAAAAAYYYYY-"
>If the sudden warm hug is any indication, you've made a great new friend!
>Yay!
[spoiler]>If the sudden wet, cool sensation on your pants is any indication, your dick is gonna smell like strawberries until you can get them washed
>...yay?[/spoiler]

>You are BEST SHELL
>EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>FIRST DATE

>You are Fizzy Sips
>Damnit, you got another sparkler
>Those things are a bitch to clean up

>You are Anon
>And you've made a terrible mistake
>You're covered in sparkles and your dick smells like strawberry
>It's just like kindergarden all over again
>*tampf tampf tampf-tampf-tampf*
>Your new ponefriend, Bombshell, has been following you for the past few minutes since you left The Candy Bar
>That itself would be fine, but, she's doing this weird... dance-trot-step beside you
>It kinda reminds you of a cat with a plastic bag stuck to it's paw
"Why are you doing that?"
>"Mmm?" She looks up at you, all four of her hoovsies starting to stop rapid-fire
>The effect is that she basically hovers next to you, her trot completely flat
>"Oh - it, uh. I'm-"

>FFFFFFF
>STOP HAPPY DANCING, SEA SHELL. STOP IT.
>But now you don't know what to do with your hooves
>PUT THEM ALL ON THE GROUND
>OK
>....but he's still walking TROT WITH THEM ALL-
>You realize you're stomping all your hooves all at once, but you have no better idea as to what to do
>Roll with it, SS
"Oh - it, uh. I'm-"
>His eyebrow quirks
>He's onto you!
"I'm making sure my fur doesn't stick together!"
>....ugh
>Why did you go that route? Why did you remind him YOU spilled HIS drink on the two of you? 
>And then you just went and up-sparkled on him as well
>bestfirst.impression
>He nods softly. "Oh, I could see that... I guess. We should probably get you cleaned up-"
>I'll clean YOU up-
>"Hah. I doubt that - I think I just need a change of clothi-"
>nnnnnnoooooooo why did you say that out looouuuuuud-

" - I think I just need a change of clothing, so...uh..."
>Your flat-trotting, blurred-hooved friend tilts her head back and opens her mouth, wagging her head back and forth
>It looks like a silent scream
>. . .
>Oh is she feeling guilty over your clothing?!
>Dangit
>Horses don't wear pants, so. Maybe she thinks you'll have to replace them all?
>Granted, I'd feel pretty rough too if I ruined a suit....and then had to pay for a whole replacement
>eesh
>Whelp. Time to be the bigger man
>For her
>Reaching down - and being VERY CAREFUL NOT TO GET STOMPED - you scoop up Bombshell in your arms, picking her up and holding her against your chest
"Hey, hey... it's ok, it's ok. A little soak, a little soap, and everything'll be right as rain."
>She goes limp in your arms, sniffling slightly
"Ssshhh.... don't cry."
>"Mmnot!"
"Mmmm."
>"Mmnot!"
>Mares. That's something you've had to get used to since you showed up. They've got such fragile egos-
>"Mnahn! MMmmnnnhhh~"
>Oh, she's wiggling in your arms, her sad eyes wide
>You hold her tighter as you make your way to your home
>It's ok, new friend, it's ok.

>You are Sea Shell, and you're in a bit of a predicament
>On one hoof, Anon's hugging you
>Yay!
>As he presses you tightly against his chest, you realize the other hoof
>(Sticky fur + sticky clothing)sparkles / math = a pretty effective glue
>You sniffle through your snootie - which is the MEDICAL TERM, thank you very much - as your jaw gets surrounded by his shirt
>Surrounded and stuck
>"Ssshhh.... don't cry."
>Y-no! NO. YOU'RE NOT CRYING! YOU'RE NOT SAD
>YOU ARE THE OPPOSITE OF SAD
>YOU ARE TRYING TO BREATHE!
"Mmnot!"
>Damn this fabric
>"Mmmm."
>You know that 'mmmm'. That's the same 'mmmm' your dad gave you when you explained how those cucumbers got sticky when you were a teenager
>That's the same 'mmmm' your uncles gave you when you told them you had a TOTALLY MAREFRIEND FREE COLTFRIEND, but he was just in manehatten and you two were TOTALLY GOING TO MEET UP
>That's the 'mmmm' of disbelief!
>NOT TODAY!
"Mmnot! Mnahn! MMmmnnnhhh~"
>DAMN THIS COLT'S WHIMSICAL FASHION SENSE
>His shirt clings to you like glue!
>a thought sparks in the back of your brain
>Wiggle! WIGGLE YOUR WAY TO FREEDOM!
>You begin to thrash, violently
>Sorry colt, but, I gotta put you straight! I gotta - oh buck did your tail just stick to his crotch?
>....
>You tenatively lift your dock-
>Yep.
>. . .
>Your eyes go wide
>Fuuuuc-

>Hmmm.
>You feel... like a guy, but more horsey
>That must mean you're Anon's fellow-bachelor (not because no mare wanted you, you just had standards!) neighbor, Caramel!
>And you're trimming the hedges
>... that's not a euphamism for malescaping
>You're just trimming the tasteful rosebushes that separate your yard from Anon's
>You're so happy he's such a laid-back colt!
>You smile softly under your wide, tasteful sunhat
>You know SOMECOLTS would demand that these bushes be Juniper, or - you shudder to think - Holly
>Who even *does* that?
>But these roses will not only be vibrant and healthy
>The'll look good, smell great, and taste even better
>Ooooh you can't wait to make some homemade rose salads! 
>Maybe you'll even make a little muffin or scone for that nice mailmare that comes by
>She's been eyeing you... or Anon... or the wall.
>Hmm... wonder if she's seeing anypony-
>Oh! Speak of Tirek-
"Hiiii Anooon~!"
>You greet him in a sing-song manner, waving your shears up above your head
>He smiles and waves back to y-
>oh!
>OH HO HO!
>You grin and wiggle your eyebrows over the hedge, your sunhat wiggling in kind
"Well! You go, boy! Who's the lucky mare?"
>"What?"
>He looks at you, then down at the cute thing in his forehoov-arms. Forearms.
>Come on, Caramel. Be species-sensitive!
>"O-Oh! This is, uh, Bombshell."
>Bomb-wait. What? THE Bombshell? 
"What?"
>"MMMFFFF-"
>You see the mare wiggle in his forearms - lewd! - and... realize his tasteful-yet-dated shirt wiggles with her
>Is... is she stuck?
>"I know! Met her at the Candy Bar-"
>That greasy spoon? And a walking disaster like her-
>"-and we just hit it off! Although there were a few, uh, slight..."
>You deadpan as Anon searches for the right word
"Misunderstandings? Accidents? Propery Destruction? Restraining Orders-"
>"-incidents, involving strawberies, sugar and scrunches."
>You can't help yourself, and gasp
>How scandalous!
>"But that's alright! We're going to go upstairs and get cleaned up-"
>Wait, is he implying-
>"-I'm pretty sure bodywash'll take care of everything, including my clothing -"
>HE IS
>His rider - LEWD - presents her wings
>IN PUBLIC?!
>WHOOOOOO COLT
>You wave yourself with your hat to fend off a case of the vapors
>Deary me. This... you had no idea he was *this* kind of stallion!
>"Anyway. After we get cleaned up, I guess... we'll go out for coffee?" He fishes for his keys, his other hand reaching up to wave at you again
>Then he freezes for a moment

>You are Anon
>And oh dear
>Seems little buddy here was, uh
>Stuck to your chest. 
>. . .
>She looks up at you with large, teary eyes
>"MMMFFFFF-"
>Oh.
>Whoops.

>You're screaming into a colt's armpit, so this must make you SEA SHELL
>You know. The wonderful, super-lucky mare that's bagged a 11/10 qt3.mathishard stallion
>Only to have him stick you to his chest like a living medallion
>Excellent
>And now he's talking to his other fri-
>IS THAT CARAMEL
>NO
>NOOOOO
>HE'S SO JUDGEMENTAL! HE TAKES EVERYTHING OUT OF CONTEXT-
>"-going to go upstairs and get cleaned up-"
>Caramel gives you the eyebrows
>NO
>NOT LIKE THAT
>YOU ARE AN INNOCENT PONE
>"-bodywash should take care of everything-"
>Your wings extend - painfully erect
>A-apparently EXACTLY like that
>Caramel takes his hat off and starts to fan himself
>You feel Anon's arms release you, and you sag on his clothing
>Yep
>This is how you die
>Oh wait no, this is how your fur is ripped from your body
>You try to scream, but, yanno
>clothing
"MMMFFFF-"

>Lightning fast, Anon strips out of his shirt, dropping the lewd mare on his doorstep
>That's right! Anon's not from around here, he doesn't know any better!
>And look at her - her tail is stuck to his crotch, she's on her back - PRESENTING, mind you! - and, and, and
>Is she huffing his clothing?!
>This is far too lewd for a colt of your sensibilities
>As soon as you're done fainting from residual embarassment, you're going to have to educate the poor dear
>At least you've got the shade of your hat to keep you cool

>Whelp.
>Your friend's wriggling in her sticky prison
>Your neighbor just fainted
>And there's a slight tugging sensation on your crotch
>. . . is it halloween already?
>You smack your lips
>No, you don't taste any amphetamines 
[spoiler]>tfw wild boat propellers took your dealer's life. rip.[/spoiler]
>That must mean everything's going tits-up
>Bending down you scoop up your friend who seems to be gnawing on your fabric, and make your way inside
>You can only imagine the frustration she must be feeling, being trapped in that cloth prison
>Eesh
>You have *got* to stop fucking up, Anon
>You jog up to the bathroom, quickly clicking on the lights
>GET IT TOGETHER
"Hey."
>You look down at her
>She looks up at you
"I'm uh - I'm going to draw a bath and take care of you, ok?"
>Bombshell blushes hard
>Ugh, just... accept the help, woman
>She wiggles in your grasp, sticki- OH
>RIGHT. Her FUR.
"I'll be gentle, don't worry."
>You nod, showing her your D E T E R M I N A T I O N

>You are Sea Shell
>Senpai looks down at you, nodding with resolve
>"I'll be gentle, don't worry."
>This is just like one of your japonese animoos!
>Mmmmmm you feel his heat slowly warm your whole body as his hands begin to roam
>You can't help but moan softly, looking into his eyes as he grins that predatory grin at you
>Oh colt, you're too pure for this world~

>Whelp.
>At least she's got a sense of humor
>Bomb Shell begins making spooky ghost noises as you lower her into the hot water
>And you can't help but smile
>She is probably the coolest pone you've met so far
>As the bathwater turns a light pink, you grab your Mane and Withers, flicking open the cap and spurting out some soap
>Damnit, air bubble

>S-senpai is coating you with his love!
>You feel it rope over your face and into his shirt
>You open your mouth to catch a stream-
>Fuck. FUCK THIS SHIRT
>Ah well, just bathe in the attention
>OooooohhhhhhhhhHEYWARBLGVLUV-
>You flail your hooves against his arm as he dunks you under the water-
>Water, wait
>When did you get put in wat-
>HE'S A BLACK WIDOW
>HE'S HAD HIS PLEASURE AND IS GOING TO KILL YOU NOW
>NOOOOOOO
>You grip his forearm and start pumping it
>You need to live!
>YOU CAN STILL GIVE HIM PLEASURE - SEE HOW GOOD YOUR HOOVES ARE-
>DON'T KILL MEEEEE

>And wiggle your hands from side to side
>Her hooves gently pet your arms, and you sigh
>And up
>Bombshell gasps dramatically from all of her 5 seconds underwater
>But that was enough to loosen your shirt from her fur
>You start to slowly peel it away-
>"I CAN STILL PLEASE YOU"
>Waitwha-OHSHI
>Her forehooves wrap around your neck
>"I'M STILL PRETTY FOR YOU BABY DON'T BE LIKE THIS-"
"What the hell are you-"
>"NOT LIKE THIIIIISSS-"
"STOP YELLING, DAMN-"
>"I DON'T WANT TO DIE-"

>Mmmm, oh, Celestia, why yes I'd like to take the award for best fashion sense
>Yes, please, let m-
>You snore a little too loud, waking you up
>This must make you Caramel
>And you had a dreadful case of the vapors
>"-still please you-"
>Wait, what? That sounded like-
>"-don't be like this!"
>WHAT
>NOT ON YOUR WATCH
>You hop to your hooves
"Anon! ANON! I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING- ANON?! ARE YOU OK?"
>"-want to die-"
>NO
>You vault heroically over your rosebushes
>oww oww oww
>And start running around his house
"ANON! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, NEIGH SOMETHING! NEEEIIIIGHHH! NEEEIIIIGGGGHHHH-"

"Sshhhhh-"
>"But I was scared and I couldn't breathe-"
"Sshhhh-"
>"-A, and then I woke up and I heard some yelling and-"
"Ssshhhhhhh-"
>You rock Bombshell and Caramel in your arms
>It's been about 5 minutes of yelling, door-kicking, frantic pantomiming, lubrication and frothy suds
>But you were able to clean up Bombshell and subdue your neighbor, Caramel
>Heh
>Neigh-bor
>. . .
>You gotta get out of the horsepun country
>Admittedly it was nice that he was so worried about you
>But him launching himself into the tub to protect you from 'this floozy' was unnecessary
>...so was the splash fight
>and the destruction of your shirt
>But, fluffly towels and hugs seem to take care of everything
"There there... are we better now?"
>You feel two heads nod against your chest
"Alright, alright...do you want a snack?"
>A nod, and a shake
"I've got sugarcookies..."
>Two nods, one frantic and one reluctant
>There we go
>Right as rain

>Mmm. Bare-chested minotaurs are your new fetish
>You just keep nodding against his sexy, sexy torso
>For you are Sea Shell
>And you've got wetmane Anon and Wetmane Caramel
>Dear penthorse, I never thought it would happen to me...