Prompt: Equestria has it's first endangered species: You. Celestia.... doesn't enjoy this fact, and must KEEP YOU SAFE UNTIL MORE HUMANS CAN BE SPAWNED GET AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER THAT HAS DANGEROUS RADIA-

>*Beeee*"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me hap~py when skies are gr-"*Bop*
>You stare up at the ceiling, pulled out of your dream of sharp corners and scraped knees
>Luna was a bro -she tried to help when she could, but there's only so much you can do in the dream realm
>Your clenched fist rests on the foam alarm clock. "I hope you have a sunny day~!" It chirps before finally falling silent
>How did it come to this
>Sudden frantic hoofsteps snap you out of your reverie
"FUCK"
>You jump out of bed just as the door is magicked down
>It hits the back wall of your apartment with an impressive *squeak*
>Your jailer stands in the doorway, wings extended
>"Anonymous!"
>Uuuuuggghhhhhh
>Good idea brain, let's go with that
"Uuuuuggghhhhhhh Celllllyyyyyy~"
>The goddess of the sun's expression remains hard as she looks around the room for danger, but she eventually softens
>"Anon, you were 4.86 seconds late in getting out of bed! H-how was I to know that you weren't poisoned in the night, or if you had a heart attack or if an assassin didn't smother you-"
>She starts tearing up as she continues, her wings sagging
>Dammit sunhorse
>You walk towards her and hold your arms out
"Hey now don-"
>She rushes into your arms, wrapping her hooves around your waist, doing that weird horse-nuzzle thing on one side of your neck - then the other - then back again
>You stagger, but stay up
>You feel the light touch of her wings brushing against your shoulders
>"An-an if so-something ha-happened~"
"Ssshhh...shhh there there..."
>You pet her neck, and she starts to calm down
>Celestia pulls her head back and looks you in the eyes
>"From now on  you sleep with me. I can't take any more chances!"
"Celly no"
>She nods, lower lip still quivering a bit
"Celly you padded all the walls in my apartment-"
>You wave your arm as you talk
"-sanded down all corners into curves - then padded those - and then you removed all utensils out of my kitchen. How the FUCK am I going to hurt myself?!"

>"Spoonitis."
"Spoonitis."
>Celestia nods, giving you her most serious face
>"Very deadly, Spoonitis. You only know you have it when it TAKES YOU"
>She pokes you in the chest with a hoof to emphasize her words
>Rolling your eyes you push her off of you
>Her royal rump hits the floor with a soft *pomf*
>Oh yeah. The floor's padded too. Cause, yanno. Falling down from YOUR height could be dangerous
>Apparently you've had this inner monologue before, because Celestia chimes in. "You never know, it could be dangerous!"
>You sigh
>Honestly, it's not Celestia's fault
>Equestria has all of 1 endangered species: You
>And apparently she's taken it upon herself to make sure you live a nice, long, SAFE life
>"I also brought another few breeding pai-"
"No, thank you."
>Oh yeah. She also wants to make sure there can be more little humans running around. So every so often she'll send in something that's agreed to screw you to see if an abomination will happen
>You've turned them all down. You're no horsefucker, and you're CERTAINLY not going to fuck a donkey. Or a dog. Or cow. Or fluttershy. Or a timberwolf - seriously, a fucking timberwolf.
>Celestia sighs, poking the floor with a hoof
>"Well... you know... I mean, they're already here..."
>Brain uses uuugh2.exe
"Uuuuuugh are you Kidding me?! Celestia, you promised not to pull this shit again"
>She grins sheepishly, standing up
>"There there. You'll enjoy them this time, I promise!"
"You said that about the timberwolf."
>"Well... predators attract, right?"
"No. And you have no excuse about the chimera."
>"But you said you got a whyboner! That's progress!"
"NO."
>"Sister, what on equus are you doing to Anonymous this morn?"
>Oh thank goodness, it's lunabro. 
>Bruna.
>No. don't use that ever again
>"Luna! Wonderful, I need to talk to you for a moment."
>Luna mirrors your sigh

>Celestia trots over to Luna, and begins to make concerned horse noises
>You try to listen in, but damnit their hearing is better than yours. Also, they're like... across the room. So that didn't work
>"W-what?!"
>Luna rears back, a heavy blush on her face
>"Sister, you jest! Surely you don't mean that we-"
>Celestia shushes Luna with a hoof and nods
>"It is the only way to be sure, and to secure his bloodline. We have no choice!"
>Luna flatly looks at her sister, and opens her mouth for a counterargument
>Hey brain, let's interrupt, kay?
>Sure thing!
"Hey, so... uh. Not that I don't mind political intrigue or anything, but..."
>The princesses turn to you
"How about breakf-"
>"OH SWEET ME YOU'RE STARVING TO DEATH."
"N-no, I mean, I'd ju-"
>Suddenly Celestia fills your vision once more
>"No, this won't do! Come, hurry! We must feed you before you waste away!"
"It doesn't work li-"
>Celestia chomps down on your t-shirt, and starts to bodily drag you down the hall
>Yanno, dodging horse hooves is pretty dangerous
>But you wouldn't tell her that
>She'd make it so everypony has to hover around you or some shit
>....actually, you want to see that
"Celestia, not that I don't mind being forced to breakfast, but... can you stop dragging me? I don't want to get trampled..."
>"OH SWEET ME"
>You love that phrase
>"Sorry! Oh, are you ok? I didn't - the halls are freshly padded, so you shouldn't be in any pain, but did I nick you? Oh no! hurry!"
>She squats down
>"Ride me! That's the safest way!"
"Ok, first, that's the most brash come-on I've ever heard."
>Luna snickers
"Second, I can walk. It's something my species has been doing since ever."
>Celestia looks down at the floor again
>Uuuuggghhhh
>You lean in close
"Since EVER. E.V.E.R."
>Celestia lets out a forlorn sigh
>"I just want to protect my little human, that's all~"
"You don't need to go so overboard, yanno."
>"But Spoonitis!"
"YOU MADE THAT UP"
>"I DID NOT IT AFFECTS 4 OUT OF 5 DENTISTS EVERY YEAR"

>Luna facehoofs just a bit too hard, and you're inclined to join her
>Celestia is still squatting infront of you, head turned back to watch your every move
>She wiggles her rump a bit-gah!
>You look away
"Look, brightbutt. Let's just... how about this. You and Luna escort me to the dining room. Sound good? Think you can protect me from all the baddies inside your own home?"
>Luna smirks, getting the sarcasm
>Celestia just gives you a resolute nod
>"So be it. Sister! Let us clear the way!"
>Wow, how sad is it the 1K-year behind the times monarch picks up on your mood better than her ''modern' counterpart
>Celestia takes a battle stance, puffing out her chest as she walks down the hallway
"Uh.. ok then I"ll just... walk behind you."
>You and Luna walk side-by-side, exchanging knowing looks with each other
>'Is she always like this?' your eyebrows wiggle
>'No, I think she's just particularly frisky recently, what with it being winter. Less time for the sun to be up, yanno?' her ears reply
>You nod
>Suddenly a WILD DOOR opens!
>A female guard walks out of the side door, holding a book in her magical grip
>oh you poor bitch
>"DANGER! DANGER! GET DOWN!"
>"What, Where?!" The guardpony drops her book and adopts a battle stance
>nooooooo
>Celestia's horn fires up, and Luna gets surrounded in a golden glow
>"Wha-Sister, put m-GAH!"
>Luna is half-pushed, half-smushed onto you, forcing you on the ground under her
>She looks pissed
>Let's add to that
"So, not that I'm complaining, but..."
>Luna squirms ontop of you, giving you a glare. "Do not even start, Anon."
>"Celestia, where's th-fff"
>The guard hits the deck
>Holy shit Celestia just punched that little guard
>Stomping her hoof near her head, the guard flinches, rolling around in pain and fear
>"One hundred years moon!"
>Her horn lights up, and with a sound you can only describe as a *bampfgiggle*, the guard disappears
>You turn to Luna in horror
>" 'Tis well, Anon. I shall return her home after breakfast."

>Celestia scans the hallway for a few more moments before relaxing
>The terrible danger of her own guards nullified, she turns back to you with a smile
>"Great job, everyone!"
>You and Luna just stare at her
>"Well, come on! Stop lazing about, let's go get some breakfast! You have to keep up your strength!"
>Luna grunts as she gets off of you, and you make your way up to your feet
>The rest of the walk passes with relative calm
>You say relative because there were a couple dangerous potted plants that had to be incinerated, and one unlucky ornamental table that found itself banished to the moon when you brushed up against it
>Not like it was your fault, the fucking thing was padded so hard it took up half the hallway
>Anyway. FINALLY, the food hall portal awaits
>Celestia walks up to it and begins a series of intricate knocks, taps and code words
>"Manehatten" *tap thunk tippatiptap BAP* "Wallaroos" *biff tap scrape poke poke* "Waffles" 
"Actually, that sounds delicious."
>You walk up to the door and just push it open, Celestia's face frozen in shock
>Paying her no mind, you walk in, the table prepared for your morning meal
>Celly pushes in behind you, looking around frantically
>A lone maid stands at the table, waiting for you
>She cringes when Celestia's gaze finally rests on him
>"You. Why was the guard not stationed at every door?! How would you have known if it was us, or an assassin!?" Celestia starts walking towards the maid. "And why were you not responding to my door code?! DID YOU NOT READ THE 80 PAGE PAMPHLET I HANDED OUT LAST NI-"
>"TIA!"
>Celestia whips her head around, flinching a bit as she's greeted by an irate Luna
>"That is ENOUGH. Our subjects deserve better, you know this. And the poor colt is shaking!"
>True enough, he is. Frills all a titter
>Celly sighs, and lowers her head to the maid. "I'm sorry, little one. You don't deserve my wrat-"
>She freezes
>"....'Tia? Celestia, sister of mine, is everything ok?"
>Celestia begins to shake

"Uh, Celestia, you're kinda worrying me here."
>[spoiler]"SPOOOOOOONNNNNNSSSS"[/spoiler]
>"I'msorryIwasjustsettingtheta-"
>*bampfgiggle*
>. . .
>Whelp there went the help
>And you're under Luna again
>After a few more minutes all the butlers and maids are replaced with Celestia's hoof-picked elite guards
>Cause yanno. That creamer pitcher has it out for you, you can just tell
>Everyone's seated at the table
>Sans spoons. Or forks, or knives (ha ha you haven't seen a knife in months)
>You shift in your seat
>*squeak*
"So, well... uh. I'll have waffles? Waffles are ok?"
>Celestia ponders for a moment, then nods approvingly. "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal, with some cinnamon sugar."
>Luna rolls her eyes
>Come on, make it hap-
>"We will require scrambled eggs, hashed potatoes, four strips of bacon and a muffin."
>Celestia stares daggers at Luna
>"...make that TWO muffins."
>"Bacon?! Hash Browns? So much hot food - Luna, are you trying to burn poor Anon? What if the server trips and the plate hits his face and it melts and then how will he breathe, Luna?! HOW WILL HE BREATHE?"
"Not to be a nitpick here, but Oatmeal is also hot..."
>Celestia looks at you in horror before dashing back to the kitchen
>Probably to remove all sources of heat from your food
>"Why do you encourage her, Anon?"
"I enjoy rustling her jimmies."
>Luna chuckles. "I know not what jimmies are, but I do enjoy seeing her so scatterbrained. Hopefully she will calm down soon."
>You give a noncommittal 'Mmm' in response
>"Oh, can you answer a question for me?"
"Sure, what's up?"
>You reach for your coffee
>"Can you show me your jimmies? I do not know what they are."
>You almost break the cup as you slam it back down on the table
"Aaah- hah... uh. Uhm, well, Jimmies...jimmies are..."
>"The are what? What is this about rustling jimmies?!"
>Dammit, sun horse is back
>"Are your jimmies hurt? ARE THEY HURTING, ANON?! Show me where it hurts - let me help unrustle them!"
>Noooooo

>Sunhorse begins to move you about in your chair with her muzzle, hooves patting you down
>You begin a slap fight with her
>*pappitapappitaptappatpatpapta-*
"Wou-Ju-nf-j-STOP-ju-STOP ALREADY"
>She does so, looking over you hard
>"What are these jimmies, and why have I not heard of them before? You know I need to make sure you're secure, Anon, and that includes your jimmies."
>This lecture isn't happening
>"Yea, Anon! Teach us about these jimmies, that we may know thee better."
>You can just hear the shenanigans dripping off of Luna's voice
>You glare at Luna so hard, trying to make her head explode
>'What was all that about not encouraging her, HMM?!?!?' your eyes scream at her from across the table
>Huh. You think you're misreading her, because her smile seems to be saying '#yoloswag420'
>Suddenly a white hoof waves infront of you
>"Anon! Listen to me when I'm talking to you!"
"Uuuuugh, what. What."
>Celestia holds out her hoof. "Hand 'em over."
"Hand over what?"
>"Your Jimmies. I need to inspect them to make sure they're safe."
>andIwouldsigh500times.wav
"Ok, let's just stop this here. Jimmies aren't just a physical thing."
>"Oh?"
"It's... it's a state of being, it's a measurement of my feels, it's...it's so much more that can be expressed in words."
>"So it's your penis?"
>You do a dry spit take with Celestia, and you both turn to Luna again
>She's wearing that SAME FUCKING SMIRK
>"Hmm? Come on, have you ever met a colt who doesn't talk about their stallionhood with such flowery language?"
>You give Luna the finger, and she laughs, sticking out her tongue
>Dis bitch right here
>Celestia's just blushing hard, trying to backpedal
>You don't care. You smell the smells of breakfast
>A few moments later the kitchen doors open, and a mare with the face of one who has probably killed hundreds of Canterlot's enemies in their sleep brings out your food
>You can just FEEL the 'I'm getting to old for this shit' radiating off of her
>"My Lieges, your meals."

>Waitaminute
>Lieges?
>Luna gets served her breakfast-of-the-gods, everything piping hot and just... delicious looking
>Celestia gets her bowl of warm oatmeal and...
"Muh waffles"
>"Hmm?" Celly looks down and then fakes surprise
>Fuck these horses can't lie to save their lives
>"Oh! Yes, this." Celestia levitates one of your waffles, 'cutting' it up with her magic
>"Well, we can't have you injuring yourself with utensils or by eating too fast, and there are so many choking hazards, so....."
>You facepalm in anticipation
>"...until further notice, I shall make sure to feed you!"
>Yep. Called it.
"Celestia, have you ever wondered how I survived my entire life without you intervening for me?"
>"I have! And sometimes it keeps me up at night!"
>Celestia uses her magic to coat each piece of waffle in a light glaze of butter, and then brings over the syrup-boat
>"Now. I won't have you arguing with me - not while you're starving to death!"
"R-really. Really. This is a thing that's happ-"
>"Aaaahhhhh~" Celestia says, turning towards you with a piece of fluffy, golden-brown, maple-dipped deliciousness just hov-
"Celestia... please. You can let me use my fingers at least."
>"And risk biting your finger off and bleeding to death?! Not on my watch. Now, be a good boy. Aaaahhh~"
>You glance sideways at Luna
>She's just staring at you
>Not even grinning anymore, just... watching this unfold
>Like you would a train wreck or a meteor strike
>But it looks like you won't get fed unless you give in....
>Ok fuck you ego, stomach is taking direct control
>Swallowing your pride, you open your mouth slightly
>Celestia smiles, and pushes the food into your mouth
>You chew
>oh fuck this is good
>And swallow
>"Uh...Anon, dear, there's a little... on your lips..."
"Oh."
>Reaching up, you wipe around your mouth with a finger, then lick off the syrup
>*fump*
>You look over, and Luna's wings have hit the back of her chair
>huh
>She tucks into her food, every so often glancing up

>You have an idea
>You open your mouth, but not as wide, causing your lips to wrap around the morsel
>You chew and swallow, then lick your lips
>Slowly
>Luna shifts on her seat
>Oh yes... oh yes. 
>In AD2015 Revenge is beginning
>Have you ever had that friend of the opposite sex, who you had no attraction to, but sometimes they'd do something sexy and you could appreciate that?
>They weren't a Venus or an Adonis, but you could objectively look at them and call them hot?
>Yeah, that's happening riiiiight now, just across the table
>Luna's your bro. She won't do nothing to you
>That doesn't mean that you can't tease her every so often
"Aaaahhh~"
>"V-very good, Anon!"
>Celestia pushes another morsel of waffle into your mouth, and you accept it willingly
>You smile as you chew, then you let out a little moan as you swallow
>"G-good boy..." she replies, a bit huskier than usual
>You felt a hoof kick the table from somewhere
>Ha Ha doesn't matter fuckin' with the princess pones
>The rest of the meal goes by like this
>Celestia every so often remembering to feed herself
>But soon the waffles are done, and you sit there, content
>Chin propped up by your hands as you make small talk with the princesses
>Who are both desperately trying to make their wingboners look natural and totally on purpose
>Thank goodness you weren't a fucking pleb and educated yourself about these horses when you showed up
"So. Celesita?"
>"Y-yes, Anon?"
"You said something about a breeding pair?"
>Her eyes go wide, and she starts to mouth something out
"Show 'em to me so I can go ahead and reject 'em. I wanna hit the town early today."
>"Wh-ah. Well, let, uh. Let me go get them, yes, Sister?"
>Luna suddenly sits bolt-upright, being the new center of attention
>"C-can you, ah, enterta-KEEP Anon company while I go....find this pair?"
>Oh, yeah. This isn't suspicious at all
>Jimmies have been on background-rustling status all morning
>This isn't helping
>"Yes! Sure thing, Tia."

>"Excellent, then! Ex-excellent, I"ll just uh. See about finding those wonderful critters I was going to introduce you to."
>Celestia tries to walk out of the dining hall as cool as a cucumber
>But she's powerwalking
>And her hooffalls are a bit too forceful...
>And you think you can hear a light scream escaping from her porcelain smile
>Huh. Maybe this time she got foreign dignitaries? You figured it would happen sooner or later
>Danigt now you may have put her in a hard position
>"Anon! Anon. Let us... ah. Shall we go rescue the maid in the moon?"
>You chuckle, turning back to Luna
"Yeah, sure. So how we gonna do this? I'm not exactly easy to move with Magic"
>That's true. Most pones couldn't push you with Magic
>But Alicorn magic, apparently with enough effort put into it, can move you about
>Twilight said it was because of your natural magical indifference - you basically don't know what do to with magical energy, so it passes right through you, fizzling out.
>Or as Luna so eloquently said "You're the thinnest fat bastard I ever saw"
>"Well, first I need to open a portal to your home."
"Ok, well th-HEY WHAT."
>"Like so."
>She concentrates, and a deep sparkly blue ring appears near the end of the table
>She stands up, walking towards it slowly. "Aaaan.......there we go."
>You hear the sounds of a city
>A...a city! And there are skyscrapers and just everything you could ever want!
>You book it
>You just book it. 
>Other humans! ...Home. Your family, your friends, the future you left behind....[spoiler]you gotta make sure your porn was deleted[/spoiler]
>You dive headfirst into the portal, tackling the SHIT out of a little pone
>"Oi! What gives, bub?! An' what the tartarus are ya!?!"
"Uh... wait wh-"
>Luna's laughter echoes from the portal
>"IT'S MANEHATTEN. IT'S ALWAYS MANEHATTEN!"
"Dammit moonbutt that's not funny!"
>You stomp back through the portal, and it closes behind you
>"Oi, get back he-*"
>"It is funny, Anon! This is the 4th time!"

"What's gotten into you, anyway?"
>You boop Luna's nose a little forcefully, causing her to scrunch her face up
>"Wh-what? Can't we be playful anymore, Anon? We thought you enjoyed pranks."
"Well, sure, but... dang, you're acting awfully snarky today..."
>Luna awws and wraps a wing around you
>"We are sorry, Anonymous. We know how colts can get, and we did not mean to take it so far."
>Well dat was a bit sexist
>Oh hey, nuzzles
>"Do you forgive us, Anon?"
"Eeehhhhhhhh~"
>"We will order more liquor for you from the kitchen~"
"Deal."
>Luna giggles, and you reach up and ruffle her hair
>You put up with a lot of her shit, mainly cause she bails you out of jail
>Diplomatic immunity is fucking sweet
>You won't cock it up like in Lethal Weapon
"Anyway, so how do w-"
>*bampfgiggle*
"eeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh"
>HOLY SHIT YOU ARE ON THE MOON
>It's so fucking BEAUTIFUL
>The planet hangs like a blue pearl in an ocean of black
>countless sparkles enshrine her, keeping her comforted in her journey
>"Anon, please close your mouth."
>You try to form words, but can't
>"Aww, is this some human custom? Chewing invisible food? Or maybe you're waiting for another mouth to join to yours..."
>Your jaw snaps shut
>"Daww." Luna exaggeratedly kicks a moon rock, and that sumbitch goes flying across the horizon
"Oh... uh. Ok. So, we got a maid to get?"
>Luna nods resolutely, and then begins to bounce over to a crater
>"Guard, but I guess they are your new maids, so..."
>You try to follow her, but can't
>You just
>Can't move
"Uh. Lulu?"
>"Hmm?"
"I can't...move."

>"Hmm. Most perplexing."
"Luna, ok, I'm kinda freaking out, I need you to tell me what's going on."
>Your arms are windmilling around, but you feel nothing but a gentle tug of the moon's gravity
>You just can't fucking MOVE anywhere
>Like, you lift your leg, and feel it move forward, place it down - and it's right next to your other leg.
>"Well. Things are different, based on the celestial body you happen to be on. And since you're on miiiiine~"
>She gives you a shit-eating grin, and you roll your eyes
>"the laws are a bit different."
"Really? Why. Give me one good fucking reas-"
>"Ever wondered how you can breathe with no atmosphere?"
>Uh. She got a good point.
>You shut up
>"That is what I thought. Now, I ah... may have gone a bit loopy when I was banished here for a thousand years for no reason, but if I remember right, I made it so that any creature on my planet had to move based on my arbitrary whims."
"Ok that's a lot of words that mean nothing to me. Just...do your magic horse powers."
>"Mmm. Well, see. It's written into the fabri-"
"UUUUUGGGHHH Magic horse powers or no?"
>"No."
>You pout
>"Aww, stallion, cheer up. I know ponies have to bounce, gryphons have to crawl - being a lesser race and all - but I don't know what you have to do. I'll search the crater for our lost guard, and maybe you can figure it out?"
>She bounces over to you and hugs you tightly
>"Even if you don't, I'm glad you're here. Not many experience my views."
>Good point. But this was some bullshit.
>You sigh and wave her off, and Luna begins to bound towards the crater
>....you hop
>Got nowhere
>Hmm. You dive forward, and basically...hover in the air before landing with a soft *paff* on the lunar soil
>Neat, but not what you wanted.
>Maybe if you take a step ba-
>HOLY SHIT THAT WORKED
>You take another short step back, and then facepalm
>The answer was so obvious

>BE LUNA
>Trying to stop the hysterics of the guard infront of you
>It's always so cringeworthy when a mare looses it and cries
>But this is just so... ugh. Sister's going to get a hoof to the face over this
>"An-An I h-have always s-s-served with h-honor an-"
"There there...sssh...."
>You rub her back with your hoof
>UGH this is so awkward. Back in your day if a guard was weeping like this they'd just be dishonorably discharged
>Or commit suicide out of shame
>But noooo, now we have a touchy-feely military, now we have COLTS in our military
>Though you didn't mind all those pert balls in your halls, they shouldn't be getting actual training! 
>Comfort for the front, sure bu-
>Oh buck your mind was wandering
>"Ah-ahm I *sniff* a traitor?"
>You look down at the mare with a warm, motherly smile
>The smile of a goddess
"Becalm thy mammaries. Celestia is just overprotective of Anon; we shall see to it you are rewarded for the turmoil you have endured."
>The guard coughs, and nods
>Good, one issue down
>Now to teleport her back and play with anon for a wh-
>"-was not my lover~"
>What?
>You and the guard look up at the lip of the crater, and gasp
>Anon is moving so fast
>He's figured it out! And....well, that's an odd method of transport
>it looks like he's moving forward, but is actually being propelled in reverse
>He's singing to himself, and
>oh. Apparently he's grabbing his crotch
>You wouldn't mind helping with that pa~
>"Over here, sir!"
>Your guard waves, a smile on her face
>Thiswench.tapestry
>Anonymous spins around once, then heads down the crater's rim to your position
>"Billie Jean is not my lover~" He hip thrusts
>Oh my
>"She's just a girl who claims that I am the one,"
>Mmmm, I like this mare already
>"But the kid is not my son. She says I am the one, but the kid is not my~"
>wat
>What?
>WHAT?!
"WHO IS THIS HARLOT THAT HAS FORNICATED WITH YOU?!"
>Your voice stops him in his tracks
>Or at least, surprises him from moving properly - same thing

>Anon looks at you, hard
>"Billy Jean."
>He backwardscoots towards you until he's right next to you
>"Is not my lover. She's just a girl who claims that I am the one."
>"The one what?" your soon-to-be-court-marshalled guard asks
>"Highlander."
"What?"
>"What?"
>"Wat."
>Ok this is just getting silly
"Alright, alright. Let's just..."
>You sigh
>Now you can't get rid of the guard and play with anon without being too overt
>Males hate it when you look desperate for attention
"Let's just go home."
>"You don't sound too-"
>*bampfgiggle*
"Happy."
>You are now ANON, and moon horse seems a bit down
>She turns to the guard. "Run along, tell the Sargent-at-arms what I told you."
>The guard uses her adorable little hoofsies to rub her eyes, and then salutes
>Man you love it when these pones show gumption
>She dashes off to do more tiny horse things, and you meet luna's gaze
"So. What's gotten you down today? You were all piss and vinegar-"
>"Excuse me?!"
"Eer. It's an expression that just means that you seemed more... frisky? Feisty?"
>Luna smirks. "Yes, well. It just seems that today is taking some turns I had not anticipated."
>Oh dear
>feels incoming
>But.... you also need to buy shit you don't need at the market
>Can you kill two birds with one stone?
"Wanna.. walk and talk?"
>"Sure."
>Yeeesssss
>This doesn't make you a bad friend, you're just, uh
>efficient
>You and Luna begin the walk out of the Castle proper, and down the courtyard steps
>"Anon, have you ever...planned on something - on doing something one way, and then someone who knew about it just totally..."
"Screwed it up?"
>Luna nods. "Well, maybe. More like... pushed my timetable up from months to hours."
>You wince
"Eesh. That doesn't sound great. Mind sharing wi-"
>"NO."
>woah canterlot voice
>You back off a bit
"Hey now, I didn't mean t-"
>"No, no, tis my fault. I shouldn't have been so... passionate. But no, Anon. I cannot tell you just yet."
>Just yet
>Great, so this involves you

>Thankfully, since you'll have a totally uninterrupted walk, you can devote all your brainpower to figuring out what Luna's problem is
>All of your brainpower dedicated to helping one of your best friends
>And not to the giant ball of fluffy white that's headed ri-
>DUCK
>Your catlike reflexes kick in and you dive onto the pavement, grunting as you hit
>"OH NO YOU'RE HURT"
>Fffffffff
>"CELESTIA! WE MUST SPEAK ABOUT THAT GUA-"
>"NOT NOW, LUNA! WE MUST SAVE ANON FROM ALL OF HIS BROKEN BONES."
>"CELESTIA, HE JUST FELL DOWN. HE'S FINE!"
>"NO, LUNA, WE MUST REMOVE ALL OF THE STONE FROM CANTERLOT"
"Would you two horses just STOP YELLING for five fucking minutes?!"
>You stand up and dust yourself off, completely unharmed
>Luna and Celestia turn towards you
>"Oh. Well then - see, Sister? He's fine."
>"Yes.... this time. But we can't be too certain about next time. That's why I brought this!"
>She levitates what looks like a giant hamster ball right next to you
"Uh, ok, so that's a nice thing you've g-"
>"Get in!" Sun horse cheerfully chirps
"No."
>"Aww, I wasn't asking." The top unscrews, and you bolt it
>To be fair, you made it like 30, maybe 40 [spoiler]inches[/spoiler]
>But Tia won't be denied
>You are now in a giant fucking hamster ball, and every single one of your ancestors is rolling in their graves
>Luna, back to antagonizing-bro mode, starts making little kissy-faces at you
>"Aww, Tia! I take it back - he looks adorable, all safe in this contraption."
"Luna I am going to superglue your hooves together while you sleep"
>"So you're going to spend time in my bedroom? Colt, how brash!"
"Uuuugghhhh"
>"N-now Now, Anon, it's not that bad. Give it a shot!"
>Celestia nudges the ball, and you start to walk forward
>Ok, not too bad
>famouslastwords.wav
>You pickup speed as you start walking at a normal pace, and the princesses fall in beside you
>Albeit separated by an inch of plastic
>You come to a mild downward slope

>Now, historians 
>Wait, they're ponies
>Horsetorians? Roll with it
>Horsetorians who write about this moment will label it the point where 'everything went to shit'.
>Years later, the good ponies of Canterlot actually close their shops down on this day as a day of remembrance. They call it Black Friday.
>the irony is not lost on you.
>Yet You remember it fondly as 'that time Celestia royally cocked up'
>Luna apparently recorded it for the lulz, and to shame you when necessary
>But at the time you thought everything was just danimals
>Celestia invented something that wasn't horribly inconvenient and not sun-themed
>So, that's a plus
>The gentle downward slope helped you walk, and soon you were at a light jog
>So far no issue
>Market Street was just around the corner, so you lean and turn like any normal human being would
>The ball skids
"Uh"
>You pass by Market Street, and now the hill starts to get a bit steeper
"UH. UH CELESTIA?!"
>You miiiight be betraying a bit of panic in your voice
>Celestia is at a gallop beside you. "Yes, my human?! Is something the matter? Are you not being exercised properly?"
"Exe-no, I was trying to go *haah* to the market but I can- whoo, I can't stop!"
>Ok now your legs are getting tired
>ha ha apex predator shut up. You've been hunting potato chips for like, 6 months. 
>"Tia, stop the ball - he's coming up to the fashion district."
>"Of course, Lulu - Anon, I'm going to lift - oh. Uh."
"UH? WHAT IS UH?!"
>You're now at a breakneck sprint, staring daggers at the princess
>You try to stop, but that causes the ball to skip, launching you in the air for a terrifying second or two before you land
>"Well this is certainly odd-"
"THAT IS NOT INSPIRING CONFIDENCE, CELESTIA."
>"It appears your magic interference is being absorbed by this new material Twilight whipped up! So... ah... you'll be protected, though! Don't worry!"
>Celestia gives you her winningest smile
>You hit the suddenly-level bottom of the hill
>You trip

>Time slows down as your bubble skips along the pavement
>You hit the curved plastic wall of the humanball sphere with a resounding *thud*
>The momentum of the sphere causes your body to roll
>The combined law of shenanigans means that the centrifugal force keeps you pinned against the wall of the sphere
>Therefore, you're now on the greatest tilt-a-whirl ever created by ponykind
>"OH DEAR US" the princesses yell at once as you somehow keep gaining speed
>Spinning like a whirlwind of shame and bad decisions, you hit the fashion district hard
>right in the face
>A thin, white pone goes down, and your ball rolls over some blue-haired mare
>"SORRY, CITIZENS"
>a german pone who was trying to take a photo of this new post-impressionist-anti-luna-stablishment-kinetic-art got crushed
>"MOVE! PLEASE - OH DEAR - MOVE!"
>Snobs dive out of the way as you ping-pong through the district
>Trampling an overpriced coffee house here
>Destroying an elitist tea house there
>Your ball is smeared in a mixture of blood, tears, chocolate and fine decor
>So, yanno. An average Thursday night
>Not like you care - you're pretty much blacked out
>"Sister! SISTER! I have an idea!"
>Celestia turns to Luna, eyes wide
>"What is it?! We can't let him get any more hurt! Ohhh~!"
>A pone pushes his cart infront of the ball to stop it - Celestia grabs it with her magic and slams it into the background pone's face
>"Tia, this is the fashion district - find the reams of cloth, slow the ball down that way!"
>"Excellent Idea! Wow, Luna, you think fast on your feet"
>"You really think so, Tia?"
>The princesses slow down a bit
>"I do. In fact, how would you like to reopen your night court? I think it's time to give you more responsibility, and you've proven that you are loyal to the end."
>The princesses slow to a light trot, lost in conversation and reconciliation
>"Oh, Sister-"
>"Luna, I'm-"
>*Thock*
>Your plastic ball hits the lip of a low bannister, and falls over the edge to the lower city

>The kind matron pony smiles at all the orphans and the other little ones who are forgotten
>"Is it true, Momma Leaf?"
>A blank flank foal nudges her with a hoof, the old mare rocking slightly
>She nods, and smiles, the crows feet around her eyes crinkling with her smile. "Yes, dearies. Everypony everywhere has their own special angel looking out for them."
>A soft gasp of hope spreads throughout the assembled ponies
>All save for one, a little colt who sits with his forehooves crossed
>"I don't believe it! Nopony cares about us! Why do you think some creature in the sky is going to!"
>The matron sighs.
>"Dearie, it is true. You just have to-"
>"To what?! Hope really hard?! OK. I REALLY HOPE I GET TO SEE MY GUARDIAN BUCKING ANGEL SOON."
>"Firebrand! That is not acceptable la-"
>a LOUD *crunch* shakes the orphanage, and everypony looks up
>A large orb, smeared in various fluids and colors, dripping horrifying glitter chunks is lodged in the ceiling
>Everypony's mouths hang open
>A few seconds later, a soft *thud* is heard, and the ball shakes
>"Wh...wh...."
>Firebrand shakes as he walks under the ball, staring at it wide eyed
>Hope begins to spring in him. Hope and fear. Was this... was this his guardian angel? Was this what New Leaf, the only mare who was a mother to him - was this what she meant? Could it b-
>Your unconscious ass, covered in vomit and possibly feces (though you won't admit anything ever) pops out of the hamster ball, landing squarely on the little colt
>His screams - the screams of one finding out that all his dreams are violated - didn't wake you up
>Nor did the violent heart attack that the mare in the corner was experiencing
>"I'm comin' for you hank! This is the big one!"
>A flash of light, a sudden burst of heat, and the roof to the orphanage is gone
>The foals start to cry
>Firebrand is screaming and wiggling under you
>"TEN THOUSAND YEARS MOON!"
*bampfgiggle*
>You sleep like a baby

>"....."
>You feel...
>"...ant. So..."
>Voices
>You feel like you're laying down.
>You are
>You move your limbs, and the blankets shift with your movements
>You feel nothing, like you're on a cloud
>The voices stop
>You breathe deep
>"....."
>You feel
>There are no more voices
>You groan because everything just...aches
>Your eyes flutter open
>Aaaaannnnnnnd you don't remember a damn thing
>Good job, brain
>Fuck you Anon. Didn't Luna say she was giving us free alcohol after market today?
>Oh yeah! Huh. Well that explains the blackout, but why are you in so much pain?
>You shift under the covers again
>....
"Wh...why am I naked?"
>You ask the empty room, but it does not answer you
>Speaking of
>This isn't your ceiling
>Not enough stains
>Actually, this is like... a painted, gilded ceiling
>You know this ceiling!
>But where
>Time to launch a holy inquisition!
"T....tell me your secrets!"
>"I'd rather not, if you don't mind."
>You turn your head to see Luna, sitting near your bed
>She's got a soft smile on her face
"....th'fuck?"
>"Hm. Right to the point, as always."
>She stands up, magicking over a tray filled with various cups and saucers
>"Let's just say that my Sister has a poor grasp of physics and the tenets of public safety."
>Wait, you remember some shit now
>Something about a bubble and orphans
>You furrow your brow in thought
>"Here."
>Luna places a sippy-cup next to your hand with her magic, and it fizzles out
>You weakly grab it, looking at her questioningly
>"What? I can't feed you with my magic, your body is too weak right now - and you need to get healed. Now, come on! Drink your numnums."
"Ugh. Did I get into the Sweet Apple Acres Special Reserve?"
>"Black Label? No. We hid those from you after the Minotaur incident."
"Mmm."
>You weakly boop your face with the sippy cup, and Luna giggles
>"Poor colt. Need me to help you?"
"I can do it! Just... give me a moment."
>"I'm sure, I'm sure. Here, let me -"
"No! S-stop~"

>"Ssshhh, Princess knows best. Now."
>You glare daggers at her, but the sippy cup in your mouth kinda kills your intent
>Damnit. It's tastes like [spoiler]grape[/spoiler]
>You can't turn down no [spoiler]purple drank[/spoiler]
>Luna smiles at you, her other hoof reaching up to brush your hair
>"There there. Now, this medicine should help you regain some strength, and cut down on the pain you must be feeling."
"Mmuh?"
>"Well. Tia...has the best intentions, you have to understand."
>She's covering for her sister
"Aaaahhhhhnnn?"
>Damn this tastes delicious
>"....so maybe she did go overboard with the plastic ball of protection and saf-"
>OH SHIT VIETNAM FLASHBACKS
>MARES HIDING THEIR FOALS, HIDING THEIR STALLIONS
>You start to flail weakly
>"Ssh! Sssh, the ball is gone, the ball is gone. You have no more balls. There are no balls in this room. It's ok. Sssh."
>You calm down a bit, breathing heavily
>Whelp. Hello years of therapy
>The sippy cup is empty, and Luna removes it from your mouth
>You do feel better - good enough to sit up, at least.
"So... ok, so. So that happens... then what? Where's Celestia - where's the ponies? I remember something about broken dreams and glitter?"
>Luna's expression darkens slightly, and she mumbles something about "moon orphans"
>Huh
>She coughs. "It... it is no matter. Some hush money here, some forced adoptions there, we sweep it under the rug. I do have to congratulate you on wiping out half of Canterlot's fashion district though."
"O-oh?"
>"Mmm, yes. They were telling me that mini-cloaks and leotards had fallen out of fashion centuries ago... but now they're all incapacitated, so NOW I MAKE THE FASHION RULES!"
>Woah, ok, maybe hit a nerve there
>Luna looks around, wide-eyed, daring anyone to challenge her iron-hoofed rule
>She calms down after a few moments, clearing her throat
"Bunch of Jackals, it sounds like"
>"I know, right?! Can't a mare catch a break?!"
>You chuckle, then wince
>Oww it hurts to laugh
>Luna sighs

>"Poor thing, you really do need to be taken care of..."
"I'd resent that if I wasn't in so much pain."
>"My point stands, then. Here." Luna floats over another cup, and you're strong enough to take it in your hand.
>You drink it quick - each cup makes you feel more and more whole
"Hey.... so."
>You thumb the lip of your third glass, looking at Luna
"Where is she? You never did say."
>Luna opens her mouth
"You also never told me why I'm naked."
>She blushes hard, and stammers a bit. "Ah-a-ah... well. You were covered in various .... fluids, so we had to remove your clothing and give you a bath."
>Ok, you feel kinda violated
>Luna tries to cut you off. "I promise! There was no ill intent! You only slipped under the water three...maybe four times!"
>Hmm. No comeback for that.
>"And, well... you were injured, so Celestia demanded you rest in her bed. I watched you, she gathered and made these tonics...."
>Well. At least Celly wanted you to get better and gave a damn.
>"...so I'm here to nurse you to health. Celestia is tending to the empire, and we will join her for dinner later tonight."
"So that's why you're trying to get me back to 100% so quickly."
>Luna nods. "Forgive us our...indulgences, Anon. You do entertain us so."
"Entertain? Like a dancer, or a joke?"
>Luna smirks. "Sometimes. More like... capture our attention. It's so hard for a colt to do that nowadays..."
>Um. This is going a weird direction.
"Sooo....this is going a weird direction."
>Luna catches herself, pausing for a moment. "....Indeed. Let's get you well, then we will talk at dinner."
>Sure. Not like the day could get any stranger.
>You and Luna make small talk as the tonics, potions, tinctures and foamy drinks do their magic, easing your muscles and calming down your inner ear
"Well. I think... I think I'm good to go."
>"Yes! Come, then!"
"Uh... Luna. I need clothing."
>Luna tilts her head. "But why, Anon? We've both seen everything, now."
>Ffffffff yeah ok this is awkward

"Ok, Moonmoon, listen."
>"Mmm?"
"It's... this is a human decency thing, ok?"
>"Now why would I want you to be decent?"
>Luna gives you this shit-eating grin, and you facepalm
"Ok, walked into that. Just-"
>You feel clothing being draped over you
>"I found your PJs. Is that acceptable? We do need you at dinner soon."
>You look at your batman Pajamas
>You said it was an ancient emblem of your kinsmen to ward off evil
>In a flash you shove them under the covers and put them on
>"Feeling better, I take it?"
[spoiler]"I am the night."[/spoiler]
>Luna laughs. "That's my job! But, I'll take it that means you're back to your frisky self. Now-"
>Frisky? Huh...
>"-let us be off, yes?"
>Luna clops her hooves together and a few disgruntled guards enter the room
>There is a chair set on poles between them - oh shit it's your own personal minimum-wage chariot
"Uh. Is this really necessary?"
>"Well, no. But I don't want 'Tia flying off the handle so often. Just... bear with it, please?"
>You look at the guards
>They stare at you unsympathetically
"....fine. But I get two desserts tonight."
>Luna purses her lips together. "A hard bargain indeed, but one I find fair. Now, come along."
>You scramble up the guards and into your impromptu throne....
"...there's a buckle here? Really?"
>"Buckle in for safety! We wouldn't want you slipping out now, hmm?"
>You sigh as you click the belt, and pull it tight
>Luna begins giving you safety instructions - you're handed (hoofed?) a pamphlet with neat little drawings all over it
>You are able to identify the emergency exits, refuse to help any other passengers in the case of emergency, and are ready for your flight to begin!
>The guardsponies trudge along the corridor to the dining hall, and you ask for peanuts
>You are denied because it could be a choking hazard for you
>da white mare always puttin' the green man down
>You reach the same double-doors as this morning, and sigh internally
>Some shit is going down, you can FEEL it

>The doors open slowly, and you're suddenly feeling way underdressed
>There are fucking foreign dignitaries at the table
>Gryphons, Minotaurs, a couple of Zebras - is that a fucking pair of bears?!
>You eye the killing machines wearily, but they don't seem to be causing any trouble
>Celestia jumps to her feet, eyes darting around the assembled table
>"See, my friends? Here he is, alive and unharmed! There-there's no need to worry about his safety, or that of those around him!"
>Celestia has an expression on her face you've seen a few times before
>You know that face
>That's the 'I'm really trying so hard to convince you what I'm saying is true please don't look at the facts' face
>A minotaur grunts. "Well, I don't see any wounds on 'em, and he looks healthy and hale. Come, lad! Sit and eat with us."
>A murmur of agreement flows through the crowd, and Celestia exhales a breath she didn't know she was holding
>Hmmmm
>You unbuckle and hop off the portathrone - Celesita stifles a gasp, but lets out another exaggerated breath once you land on your feet
>really. Really?
>She pats the seat next to her with your wing, and you sigh, taking your 'approved' position at the table
>As long as she keeps the bib out of the equation, you'll be ok
>You sit down, and Luna sits on the other side of you
>Flanked by living deities, will batman be able to live through dinner?!
>Probably
>The first course comes, and it's a bunch of tiny little uh...
>food widgets
>something far too fancy
>Anything put on your plate has the toothpicks helpfully removed, causing them to (sometimes) fall apart
>So.... that's going well
>time for small talk!
"So... not that I don't mind the added company, but to what do we owe the honor of these new guests?"
>A gryphon opens his beak to speak, but Celestia cuts him off. "Oh, well! Just... they wanted to see Equestria's rarest creature!"
"So I'm a zoo exhibit now?"
>You quirk and eyebrow and Celestia lowers her head a bit. "N-no, that's no-"

>"What the Princess meant to say" the Gryphon says with a little bit of ire in his voice, "is that we were collectively concerned about your species' survivability."
>You put on your best 'nigga wat' face
>He continues. "Apparently Celestia and Luna have tried to... forgive the crass term, but cross-breed you with some volunteers, and nothing's stuck."
>"General!" the female Gryphon stage-whispers, smacking him with a wing. He cracks a smile
>"We just want to make sure that you're safe, that you're provided whatever you need to keep your species' survival going, and - well. We are also pretty curious about your home. Princess Sparkle's books-"
>oh fuck
>you made up like, 90% of the shit in those books
>Oh shit oh shit what did you even say
>"-rifice to Thor for more peanut butter, as is your custom."
>UUUUHHHH
>TOPIC CHANGE TOPIC CHANGE
"Well - ah - that's wonderful! We can talk about that later."
>Smiles all around
>MAKE THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE SMILE
"S-so...what does everyone here do? Other than eat 'Tia's food."
>Polite laughter
>GOOD YOU CAN PULL OUT OF THIS TAILSPIN
>The Gryphon goes first as the second course is served
>Soup
>You get a wide-mouthed silly-straw
>Everyone else gets actual utensils with their covered bowls
>damnit
>"Well, before the war I was a bit of a gentlecrow adventurer. I also plied my trade amongst the underprivileged and poor towns in Gryffonia. For free, of course." He smiles at his wife (You assume) as he lifts his bowl covering, and she returns it warmly
"O-oh? And what was your prior trade?"
>"Beakshearer."
>Celestia tenses up
"Um, I'm not familiar with that term..."
>"Oh?" He reaches for the spoon, dipping it into the soup. "I guess...if the equine terms are the same" he lifts the spoon to his mouth, blowing on it once. "it would be a [spoiler]dentist.[/spoiler]"
>He puts the spoon into his mouth
>All hell breaks loose

>With a sickening crack, the gryphon's head snaps hard to the side, his wings flinging out 
>oh God
>before breaking and twisting in horrific ways
>his feathers take on a metallic sheen, before your eyes curving and elongating
>It's ....horrifying, yet fascinating
>His wife is screaming
>The guests are screaming
>Luna is yelling 
>But you can't hear shit over Celestia just bellowing one phrase
>"SPOONITIS! IT'S SPOONITIS! GET AWAY! GET DOWN!"
>Suddenly you're sucker-punched by a white, pillowy-soft wing
>You go down
>Hitting the floor with a thud, a white barrel fills your vision
>oh shit she's laying on you ugh
>You struggle to lift her off of you, but to no avail
>still too weak from your earlier ordeal
>[spoiler]or that's what you tell yourself[/spoiler]
>The Gryphon dude is not... doing too well
>You hear more cracks along with the sounds of utensils being spontaneously formed
>That sound will haunt you for the rest of your life
>You squirm under the pony princess, trying to get some fucking air
>"NO ANON STAY DOWN LET ME SAVE YOU"
"I can't breathe you stupid horse!"
>"BREATHING IS FOR EARNERS, ANON."
>The guard has apparently done something to the gryphon - the sounds are gone
>Dang. 
>to get rid of him they probably had to do something [spoiler]fucking metal[/spoiler]
>Suddenly a bag is put over your head
"No I'm an American Citizen I have ri-"
>"TAKE HIM TO MY BEDCHAMBERS FOR SAFETY REASONS!"
"That is the flimsiest fucking pretens-"
>"ANON!" 
>Oh shit that's Luna's voice
>"ANON, DO NOT ARGUE AND GO. SPOONITIS IS VERY CONTAGEOUS."
>Ok so that's luna's voice, but 
"Why are you yelling RIGHT AT MY FACE, Luna?! Damn, I'm fucking deaf now!"
>"OH SWEET ME!"
>Fucking sunhorse
>"So does this mean we can talk to you about his junk without him knowing, Sister?"
>Fucking moonhorse
>You feel yourself put on the back of some tiny pony
>Your upper body and shins are dragging on the ground, but damnit if she doesn't race down the hallway with the speed of kenyans

>cloppitycloppitycloppity-
>Tiny horse can run fast
>Too fast - on slick marble that was fine, it actually felt kinda cool and weird
>But on carpet you were getting a wicked rugburn
>You start to squirm as your skin gets hot
"Hey uh, I don't mind youwah~!"
>Sudden stop and a violent roll onto pillowy-soft goodness
>There's an unceremonious *slam* and then silence
>Well fuck you too little pone
>I might just start a rumor saying you groped me while we were alone
>Taking advantage of a poor little male like myself~
>. . .  yeah ok horseland is making you crazy
>You pull off the hood and blink a couple times to get your bearings
>Celly's room
>And you're all alone
>And dis horse has just been nothin' but trouble since you got here
>You grin so hard it hurts
* * *
>Ok, time to take stock
>You've barred her door and window - not really a deterrent, but will buy you precious seconds
>Commence the unboxing!
>She's always nude, why does she need a sock drawer?!
>Silly pony
>Let's find out
>Apparently it's filled with.... pictures
>Of you
>ha ha ha oh wow we're getting into creepy territory
>Pictures of you doing everyday things - walking, talking, eating sandwitch, pile-driving a guardsmare in an impromptu fight ring
>Yanno. #justboythings
>It wouldn't be so odd if it wasn't for all the notes and scribbles on each picture
>"Warning - sharp points. Outlaw right angles?!?!!?" one says, circling the edges of buildings
>Another has a picture of you hanging out with some of the male guard - who were mostly decoration. It's filled with... quite frankly some very lewd suggestions and an impromptu shipping chart
>She really think you were gay just cause you kept turning down random creatures to fuck?!
>You toss that picture aside and look through the others
>Some were pictures of your failed dates, and possible reasons why
>"Not big enough mammaries?" a picture of a minotaur reads
>"Diamond dogs NOT man's best friend" Diamond Dog
>"Secretly a catty bitch?!" Fluttershy

>Well, let's see what else we got here
>Going down a drawer, you open it to find
>.....boxers
>Just. It's filled with boxers.
>Picking one up, you see that it's not really fitted to your size
>Celestia wears boxers? 
>Just. What?
>You quickly skip rummaging through that drawer. You don't want to know
>Bottom draw-ah. Socks. Socks on the bottom drawer? What kind of person is this pone!?
>....huh. Now if your adolescent senses are tingling, there should be....
>You rummage around in the sock drawer
>You are rewarded with a small, black book with a piece of ribbon wrapped around it
>A DIARY?!?!
>You look around to make sure the coast is clear before undoing the ribbon and opening it
>No, a logbook
>It's opened to today
>"Day Final Destination: I have endeavored to suit Anon with viable females that would give me regular reports" ok, creepy
>"but he has turned each one down. I at first thought it was because he was new to Equestria, and the shock had not left his system. I've checked with the ape handlers at the Royal Zoo"
>Das racist 
>"but was told this shock should have worn off by now. I am left with no other recourse; other species would be far too dangerous to attempt a mating."
>Well. Looks like she's finally given up. But...she said something this morning that bothered you - what was it?
>Ugh, fuck, this is gonna bother you forever
>You go back to reading, skipping a few boring paragraphs
>"The answer has been infront - or should I say, beside me the whole time. He has spent every waking moment with Goddesses - his standards have become too damn high!"
>Dis pone, really?
>"Therefore I will propose my solution to Luna tomorrow morning. I believe it will be the ultimate solution, providing a stable breeding pair, high levels of security, and possible offspring!"
>That's right! You remember! She was going to grab her next round of candidates!
>*Bampfgiggle*
>Um, what?
>You raise your head and your vision iss filled with large, concerned purple eyes

>You blink and slooooowly close the logbook in your lap
>pokerface.exe
"Why, good evening Celestia. How are you?"
>Her eyes study you
>Hard
>"Anonymous."
>Oh that tone
>You goin' to the moon
>"I notice my doors have been barred and my room has been destroyed. And I can't help but wonder..."
>Fuck here it is
>"Why are you not wearing your safety helmet?! Look at how much damage you did on accident!"
>Hah...wat
>She steps back and starts to tidy things with her magic. "You were probably just scared and confused - I understand, those of the warmer sex can get a little flustered.."
>You feel indignant
"Hey!"
>"Sssh, it's ok. 'Tia's here for you." Celestia smiles a warm smile as she starts unrustling her drawers, putting everything back in it's place
>Luna pokes her head into the room
>"Sister, I felt a disturbance - wh... what happened here?!"
>"Oh! Well, Anon was left alone and had a terror tantrum-"
"I did not! I was snooping!"
>"and I had to banish the doors to get to him! Poor thing accidentally-"
"Deliberately!"
>"blocked the entrance with debris!" Sunhorse finishes, not skipping a beat
>Luna nods, seeming to buy the story. "Very well. Let me...retrieve the 
door. Anypony else banished to the moon that I should know about...?"
>Celestia shakes her head. "No, but come back - we need to talk about... yanno."
>She looks left and right conspiratorially, motioning with a hoof for Luna to get closer
>Celestia stagewhispers "The m-a-t-i-n-g s-o-l-u-t-i-o-n."
>BUT YOU ARE RIGHT FUCKING THERE
"Look, can't we just talk about this like mature adults? Doesn't my opinion matter in this?"
>Celestia and Luna look at you like you just said something really adorable
>Celestia grabs the logbook with her magic, floating it off your lap
>You think you hear a light "aww"
>You do the only thing you can right now
>You pout like a champ
" 'S great snooping. I am the top snoop dog."
>"I know, Anon, I know."

>You pout for like, a solid 5 minutes
>Celestia deploys the doe eyes, alcohol bribery and even an extended curfew to get you to talk
>Nope, not having it
>She huffs in exasperation, sitting down infront of you
>"Anonymous, I just wish you'd let me handle everything! As you can see, my fears are valid!"
"I'm still calling bullshit on Spoonitis."
>"BUT YOU JUST SAW IT!"
"YOU USED YOUR MAGIC HORSERY POWERS"
>"IT IS A VERY REAL DAN- No, Tia, don't yell."
>Celestia rubs her temples a bit. "Just... Anon, you have to let me - let us, do what's best for you."
"Plastic Bubble."
>Celestia cuts her eyes at you, glaring hard. "You're a cheeky one, I'll give you that."
>*Bampfgiggle*
>"Tia, did you want me to flip the door, or just keep it as it was?"
>"Just keep it."
>"Mmm." And with a blue glow, Luna kinda just... magics the doors back into working order
>Hax, man. Pure hax
>"Shall we discuss, ah... the plan now, or do we want to wait?"
>You roll your eyes
>You're about 99% sure that you know what her "plan" is, and you're not having it
>Just cause they were princesses they thought they could set you up with whomever rolled in
>And when that failed, why not hook you up with a demigod, hmm?
"I'm not going to hook up with 'em, yanno."
>"What do you mean?" Luna sits down near Celestia, looking at you curiously.
"You think the only solution left is for me to hook up with a princess, because they're the only ones that could protect me, right? Cause pony princesses are perfect~?"
>Celestia looks sheepishly away, and Luna
>well, Luna's caught by surprise. "Tia! Surely - really?!"
>Celestia nods
"And that just ain't right! I mean, the pure spaghetti that pours off of Twilight whenever I'm around her would drown me in an instant-"
>Celestia's ears perk up, but you continue
"And Shiny's my bro! You really want me to fuck his wife?! That's adultery, Celestia. I'm not going to break up a family - I have standards!"
>Celestia's ears twitch, but she says nothing

>You stand up, your passion rising!
"So.... so..."
>Shit, you need to end it on a high note, you can feel the awkwardness 
setting in
>Shit, just roll with it
"So in conclusion, Carthage must be destroyed."
>Yeah
>Nailed it
>You sit back down, satisfied that you made your point
>Luna is just poking Celestia with her hoof. "Seriously, sister? You'd risk destabilizing a kingdom just to get Anon laid? Surely he's not THAT drastic of a case."
"Thanks Lu-heeeyyyy"
>Luna grins at you, then sticks out her tongue
>Still a bro
>Celestia has remained silent the whole time
"Celestia? Look, I appreciate what you were trying to do..."
>She looks away
>Daww
>But your stance is firm
>You sigh and lean forward, rubbing her ear
>It flicks against your palm - she can't deny she likes it, and she turns her head to look at you with a smirk. 
>Yeah, ear rubs are how you got out of a shitton of problems so far, and they haven't failed you ye-
>"I wasn't talking about them, Anon."
>eeeeeeehhhhhhuuuu?
>Your rubs on her velvety-soft ear slow down
>You look at Luna who shrugs
>Looking back at Cele-OH HELLO BEDROOM EYES
>"There's only two ponies that are good enough for you."
>With that same smirk she nuzzles your hand, not breaking eye contact with you
>You can see Luna out of the corner of your eyes
>Her wings are up
>Face sporting a blush
>But she's trying to look pissed
>"S-sister! Tia! You jest! T-this is Anon - our friend and charge! How can y-"
>Celestia's gaze is mesmerizing, and you can't look away
>"We are godesses, divine protectors of all our people. We can protect him, both waking and dreaming. We can love him through the whole of his life, and care for him as such."
>Wh. Th. Uh.
>We should let the world know those words of knowledge immediately, mouth!
>good idea brain!
"Wh. Th. Uh."
>Celestia kisses your forearm, and you feel how soft her lips are....
>run boner.exe as a background application? [y]/n
>Your pants get a bit uncomfortably tight

>Luna is flustered, and it shows. "S-sister! We can't - surely you must think of our image!"
>"Lulu in a thousand years anyone who would have remotely cared will be dead."
>"We need to control ourselves, Tia!"
>"Lulu, I know it's been at least 1,500 years since either of us got any. It's time to move on."
>"B-but it's incestual!"
>"We're sharing a stallion, not each other." Celestia plants another kiss on your arm, moving her head forward slowly
>"Wh-but - Doesn't Anon get a say in this?"
>Luna makes a good point
>Fuck you can't look away from those eyes
>They're filled with actual, honest [spoiler]love[/spoiler]
>Celestia's muzzle is right near your face, her breath hot on your neck
>"If he wanted to stop me, all he has to do is say no." she murmurs
>You swallow, hard
"I...I..."
>"Yes?" she breathes
"I need an adult."
>"Mmm." She kisses your jawline, and you shudder, your hand gripping her mane. "I am an adult."
>Effortlessly, she pushes you down onto her bed
>She rests her barrel on your right side, her mouth delivering light kisses to your neck and cheek
>You pretty much can't brain right now
>Luna joins her sister on your left, looking down at you with a deep blush
>"F-forgive me, Anon. I hope we can still be friends... but I would lie if I haven't given myself dreams of this moment."
>You want to say something, but... she just looks so damn vulnerable right now
>Leaning down, she plants a kiss on your lips
>[spoiler]and you return it.[/spoiler]
>Well. This wasn't how you expected today to turn out
>As the lights dim, and the touch of feathers caress your body, a stray thought enters your mind, which causes you to grin
>[spoiler]I wonder what will happen tomorrow.[/spoiler]