HEY ANONS. Guess what I did to start the new years!

Yep! I pitched a tent and camped out in the middle of my apartment. And while I was in my tent, covered in sherpa blankets, staring at the ceiling as the moonlight crept in through the windows, my sleep-addled brain thought it would be awesome for me to turn this into a pone story. So.

Prepare.

>>29178969
>*beep*
"Hm?"
>You are Anon
>No longer the bachelor, happy house-husband, part-time handyman and full time shitposter
>What? Turns out herding with mares that have their own businesses basically means you're full time help
>It's no big deal - I mean, it's kinda *your* businesses now too, but
>One day on the farm
>Another day modeling for clothing
>Maybe tomorrow you'll be helping with some animal rescues
>Or making spike feel insecure again
>*beep*
"What... is that?"
>You get up from your chairbrary in the castlebrary, casting your book aside
". . . maybe it w-"
>*beep*
"Fuck. Ok?"
>You start staring at the ceiling
"I think it was one of...."
>*beep*
"Yep. One of those smoke detectors must need recharging. Damn."
>You leave the library, shutting the door - and immediately stare up at the hallway ceiling
>. . . 
>*beep*
"Ok, not this one."
>You open the door to the kitchen, staring up at the ceiling - demanding ANSWERS
>*beep*
"For fucks' sake-"
>"Hey babe!"
"Hey Bluefast."
>without breaking eye contact with the ceiling you raise your hand, feeling a slightly-damp mane push into your palm
>Aaaaand there's the full-body hug
>Wearing rainbow like some sort of awkward sidearm/toddler combo, you start rubbing her head
>*beep*
"Nope."
>"Whatcha doin, hot stuff?"
"One of these smoke detectors is outta charge. I'm trying to see which one it is-"
>"You know, we should just disconnect them-"
"And die in our sleep? No, Rainbow. I am not going out like that - that's a bitch way of going."
>"Well *I* never had any when I was growing up-"
"That's because you lived in the clouds."
>"S-so?! Whenever momma thunder would cook, sometimes our cloud stove would smoke..."
>You break eye contact with the *beep* fucking ceiling, looking down at your herdmate curiously
"I... have many questions."
>"Like how lucky you are to have a mare like me and how you should be kissing her all the time forever?"
>She smiles a hopeful smile, and you stick your tongue out playfully

>>29179026
"Tell ya what, fast stuff. You help me find the detector and recharge it and I'll kiss you forever and ever and ever."
>She rolls her eyes - and leans into your rubbing hand. "Mmmm, what a deal~"
"I am nothing, if not generous."
>Chuckling, she gives your side one last squeeze before taking off, swooping out the doorway and throughout the rest of the castle
>*beep* 
"Man, FUCK the acoustics in this place. I'm going to have to ask AJ to get some wood paneling or something."
>You and Dashie start combing the castle - sometimes you'll be standing under a fucking detector for a few minutes before she tells you she's checked it
>Sometimes you catch her gnawing on one on the ceiling to try and 'check the damn battery herself'
>. . .
>*BEEP*
>for fucks' sake
>You stand there, hands on your hips in Official Dad Pose #5, as you stare at the culprit
>The detector RIGHT ABOVE YOUR FUCKING BED
>"Are we sure that it's-"
>*BEEP*
>"BEEP!"
"Ah! Fuck."
>"Why is it SO LOUD?" Dash complains, draping herself like yoda on your shoulders
>And just like yoda, she sneaks in a quick nuzzle to the back of your head
>...we saw the same movie, right? I feel like that should've happened.
>Anyway. 
"I have no idea. But can you pop it off-"
>"I'll pop YOU off~"
>*BEEP*
>"Beep-FUCK!"
"Fuck! Alright, shit. Just... fly up there and-"
>"I can't. Apparently they're a new model - magically sealed or some such. We'll have to wait for Twilight to get back."
>*BEEP*
>You feel her cringe, and so you walk out of your mistress-sized bedroom, shutting the double-door behind you
>*beep*
>"Wow, it's still annoying even with the door closed."
"I know, right? This must have been the-"
>"Safest and most economical model with the most appropriate features and all around highest rated appliance with an excellent warranty~"
>You chuckle
"Why bookhorse, when did you get here?"
>"Books books words encyclopedia, Nonny."
"Wise words. Shall we abscond to the couch?"
>"Why else do you think I came home early?"

>>29179107
>So the two of you spend some quality time cuddling on the couch
>Fire roaring
>Hot cocoa made
>[spoiler]Heavy Petting[/spoiler] happening
>Good times
>Until you hear the sound of multiple hooves-on-stone, and the livingroom doors open
>You'll never get used to having doors within doors within doors here
>"-and then I said 'sis, if I wanted a creme-filled eclair I'd just find my Husband!'"
>You hear Pinkie laugh, and the soft twang that joins her means AJ must be here too
"Hey! Those eclairs take a long time to make, yanno!"
>"Snookiebottoms!"
>"Hey there sugarcube~!"
>Another scrabble of hooves - this one more eager, you can tell - and suddenly two new faces are pushed into your comfypile
>Your blanket defense falls quickly, and two slightly-chilled poners start fighting with Dash over prime cuddling real estate
>*beep*
"Well for fuck's sake, you realize you can jus- no, hol- ugh-"
>You push Pinkie's ass out of your face
>[spoiler]No dessert before dinner, yo[/spoiler]
>As she starts aggressively cuddling Dash, doing that weird horse-neck thing with her
>Whatevs
>*beep*
>"Ahnon? What's that?"
>You plant a soft kiss on AJ's lips as she settles into the crook of your arm
"The smoke detector in our bedroom's on the fritz."
>"What? Aw Dagnabbit."
"What?"
>"Knowin' her, she's bought somethin' far too complicated."
"Well, yes, b-mmh~"
>You break away from the sudden kiss, sighing softly.
"Sorry - welcome home to you too, Panko."
>"Hi Nonny~"
>*beep*
>"Th' acoustics in this place are craziern' tartarus."
"I know, right?"
>"....hey gals?"
>You all turn to look at Pinkie
>"Do you think that's why the guardsmares asked to be stationed on the outside of the castle?"
>. . .
>*beep*
>Oh fuck you didn't need this embarrassment
>You sigh deeply, head resting on one of your throw pillows that really ties this room together
"Welllll.....fuck."
>*beep*

>>29179152
>After a few more minutes the door opens again and both Fluttershy and Rarity join the pile
>You had the foresight to buy one of those super-wide couches, so there's plenty of room
>You just idly wonder, inbetween the preening and the nibbles, where the mare of the hour is
>*beep*
>Cause that's getting really annoying
>Your ears perk up as the door opens one last time, the sound of bags rustling and the low hum of magic preceding the soft clop of hooves-on-crystal
"Hey! Go go go - help her bring in the groceries-"
>You start shooing off your herd much to their chagrin, another round of  'welcome homes' and horsey noises filling up the silence of the livingroom
>"Hey sweetheart~"
"Well hello to you too, you old charmer~"
>Kneeling, you pull Twilight into your arms, giving her a gentle kiss
>*beep*
>You feel her ears twitch
"...Yep."
>"That sounds like a smoke detector-"
"Bedroom."
>"B-before you cook dinner? I-I owe the girls a big one if they got you rea-"
>You sigh and boop her nose, her tongue absentmindedly licking the spot where your finger rested
"No. Well, yes, but later - it's in the bedroom."
>"Ah. Alright, give me a moment then and I'll take care of it!"
"Mmkay. You got the you-know-what's I asked you to get?"
>Twilight turns her head to peer into the kitchen before turning back to you
>"Yeah. Pear-"
"SSsshhhh. Shshshshs. I'm going to have an actual damn fruit salad in this household if it kills me, and I'm not going to have you ruin it."
>"Anon, she's talking with the other girls-"
>You cup Twilight's cheeks in your hands
"She KNOWS. She can TELL."
>"Ah fink yer behin-"
>"WHAT IN TARNATION-"
>You look down at her with the best "I told you so" you can
>She can't meet your gaze
>das rite
"Go, fix the thing, and I'll hand-"
>"AHM' TOSSIN' OUT ALL THIS FILTH-"
"DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOU-"
>"TH' GREAT APPLE FROWNS UPON THIS FAMILY-"
>You rise to your full height, puffing out your chest
>Gon' show these little ponelets who's boss up in here

>>29179208
>You dip your spoon into the bowl
>You lift it up
>And you put it in your mouth
>All the while making eye contact with a certain orange mare
>"....ah don't even know who yew are anymore."
"MMM TH' FLAVORS-"
>Bursts of grape, pear, strawberry, pineapple - and yes, even apple - play a wonderful and delicate melody in your mouth
>"I'll burst in your mouth, Nonny~"
"Ponko stop reading at the table and finish your fruit salad. We're gonna be healthier this year-"
>"But Nooonnnyyy~"
"No, I only dropped 7lbs over all of last year and I didn't get swol at all-"
>There's a soft groan around the table - save for Fluttershy, she's happily muzzle-down in her bowl because she's the GOOD ONE - but complaints be damned
>You wear the horse-skirt in this family, you control the house
>"Anonymous, dear, you look simply ravishing as is-"
"Thank you, I love you too, no I'm not reading cosmare, no this isn't some weird fad, yes you're still sexy, yes I'll do that thing with my tongue still, no I won't back down on this diet."
>You *hear* Rarity's mouth shut, her breath blowing out her nostrils. "Well FINE then, darling."
>You hum softly
>*beep*
>"I thought you fixed that, Twi? What's the deal?"
"Rainbow finish your dessert-"
>"W-well, it just turns out-"
>"Here we go"
"You too AJ-"
>"Ah won't. It's th' principle of the thing!"
>"So, uh. I had it hardwired into the background harmonic resonance of the castle itself-"
>"Nnnneeerrrrrrrdddd-"
"Just because you're right doesn't mean you don't get to eat your food-"
>"Hey!"
"Love you, Twi. But, you were saying?"
>"J-Just that... it's a fault of the unit itself. I already have a repairmare coming out, but the earliest she can be here is around 9AM."
>*beep*
>"U-um, can you just... shut down the u-unit?"
>"Sorry Fluttershy, but I can't. It's hardwired - and I can't mute it with magic either, because I could accidentally mute ALL of them in the series..."
"And our insurance would go through the roof."
>Twilight smiles seepishly.

>>29179250
>"Yeah..."
"Hm. Well, we'll just have to cross that bridge when we get to it."
>*beep*

>You sigh
>*BEEP*
"There's no way we're going to be able to sleep in here with that going on."
>Rarity and Twilight nod, their combined magic pulling out the blankets from the bed
>"So what's the plan then, hubby?"
"Mmm. Maybe we just camp out in the livingroom?"
>"Sure. We could do that - Ooh! We could make a blanket fort! I read that-"
>*BEEP*
>Your girls' ears go flat, but they continue making it happen - pulling blankets, then the comforter, then the pillows off
>"Hey Anon~!"
>RD pokes her head into the bedroom
>"What's the plan, my man?"
"Well, we're most likely going to-"
>*BEEP*
>*CHIRP*
>. . .
>The three of you stare directly at Rainbow Dash, who is now bright red
"C...care to run that by me again?"
>"Nnnn. What's... the plan...."
>You stay silent, because you almost have this timed
>Three... two... o-
>*BEEP*
>*CHIRP*
"Rainbow - are you, is-"
>"IT SOUNDS AGGRESSIVE OK?!"
>Your little bluehoers stomps her hooves, blushing furiously.
>"O-oh! Rainbow, there you are-"
>THE GOOD ONE softly lands beside her herdmate, moving forward to do that horse-nuzzle-hello before recoiling slightly
>"Oh! Rainbow, are you ok? I-is someth-"
>*BEEP*
>*CHIRP*
>*peep peep peep peep peep*
>You stare, mouth open, as Fluttershy looks around confused, making soft peeping noises
>"Oh wow... I mean, the manual said it might be annoying to some pegasai, but-"
>Rainbow Dash turns her head away, resting it on the other side of the door
>Her tail is swishing from side to side - she is so ANGRY
>Oooooo I would be too
>You can just feel the shenanigans radiating off Rarity
"Ok. So we're going to-"
>*BEEP*
>Fluttershy's eyes go wide as her peeping suddenly increases in volume, then slowly goes back to the same background volume
>This doens't compare to Rainbow, however
>Who, forgetting the fucking crazy acoustics in this house
>*C H I R P*s so loud that it echos
>. . .
>Your sides are gone

>>29179320
"I'm sorry-"
>RD sniffles softly, kneading your arms as you hug her. "NO, you're NOT."
>You do your damnest to stop the smile from spreading across your face
"I-I am, Re-"
>"You can barely stop laughing!"
>Deep breaths, Anon
"Ok, I'll admit, that was the most-"
>*beep*
>"Humiliating, terrible, stupid, dumb-"
"Most adorable thing I've ever seen you do - right up there with you giving me your primary to wear."
>"Nnnnnn~" she squirms, but stops fighting you
>This is good so far, we're making progress
>You look up and lock eyes with Rarity, who's across the room putting together a very tasteful blanket fort
>She looks at you, licking her lips
>O...ok....
>She mouths something out
>'b e e p'
>*beep*
>"I'LL FITE YOU~"
"Rarity you are NOT HELPING-"
>She laughs and disappears into the fort, leaving you with the cleanup
>You begin emergency belly rubs and snuggles, but it's a long time until she finally settles back down
>[spoiler]Your tongue is going to have a workout tonight,[/spoiler] but it's worth it.
>"We're Reeeaaadddyyyy~"
>*beep*
>You look down at the pegasus in your arms
"Are you?"
>"...mfmhm."
"Hmm?"
>"If she starts shit I'm gon' fite her."
"Tell you what. IF she does - IF, mind you, not 'I think she did so let's go', you can rassle her. Deal?"
>"Ah heard someone say rasslin?" AJ says, poking her head out of the tent
"Maybe!"
>"Is it that special type of rasslin' that a mare needs from her stallion after a long day~?"
"Well... It does involve the People's Elbow, so..."
>"Whut?"
"Nothing. Be there soon~"
>Carrying your little bundle of nerves, you stoop down - then kneel, scooting into the comfytent
>You place RD down on all four hooves and she stares down Rarity
>Who... looks away, smiling
>Horsepolitics.herd
>But you appreciate her not escalating things
"So... uh. This is a bit smaller than the bed - how do we want to work this out?"
>"Oh! We'll just fuse together a bit-"
"Wait, what?"
>"What? Darling, you never...saw us do this?"

>>29179406
"Sorry, just. Mammals from home don't fuse. What?"
>Twilight clops her hooves together in glee. "Oh! That's right - "
>"No, please no education, not tonight Twily - please?!"
>Pinkie drapes over Twilight's withers, but she shrugs her off
>"No! Education is wonderful and amazing and just-"
>"-kills any colt's erection-"
"Yeah so, fusing?"
>"Oh! Uh, well. We're not really mammals, per se."
"Well I figured you were more like bendy little marshmellows, but you've got all the bits I'm familiar with-"
>"YEAH you are~"
"Ponka, wait like 5 minutes-"
>"Well yes, but we're like... oh, what were those people you said came from your zebrica?"
"Uh... bl-bla-"
>Twilight clops her hoof against the blanket
>"That's right! Orks! And so since we're bendy and marshmallowy we can sorta.. well-"
>"Allow us to demonstrate, darling?"
>Rarity stands up and presses her side against Twilight - who leans into her as well, and then they just start to...
>....rub
>And I mean, it looks kinda silly and a little bit kinky but mostly terrifyingly adorable
>And then they just stop
>"And we're good!"
>....
"What?"
>You scoot forward - and by God, they're actually fused
>It's like... the purple disappears into the white but there's no actual border it's just
>"A-anon, don't worry-"
>You recoil slightly, blinking
"I just.... wh- but you're ponies. You're horses that didn't try hard enough. H-how?"
>"Um... well, t-technically we just call ourselves ponies - we're not *Earth* ponies, so... this is just natural for us."
>You sit on your butt unceremoniously as the doublepone makes it's way over to you, cuddling you with all sorts of limbs and warmpth and whatnot
"I just... guess I forgot we're all aliens here."
>"Naw, *yer* just the sexy alien. We're just normal pony folk."
>You chuckle, smiling
"Thanks, AJ. So, why this fusing?"
>"Oh! Cause all the blankets are on the floor to give us a cushion. So we'll be your blanket for tonight!"
"Um. .... Fair enough?"

>"Don't worry dear - just run us under cold water and we'll separate just like that!"
>And so, as the lights dimmed
>and your alien-horse blanket cooed softly as you pulled it over your naked form
>You realized
>The more things change the more they stay the same.