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Chapter 1
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“Finally!”
>You breathe in the fresh air that is freedom.
>After a month in pone prison being treated like a preschooler, you’re a free man once again.
>Too bad your new liberty comes at a price.
>No bed.
>No free food.
>No roof over your head.
>And most important of all?
>No more pudding.
>The pudding they have here in Equestria is great!
>You took one each and every day.
>You’re also pretty sure you’re addicted to the stuff now.
>Anywho, to get those things is to get money.
>And what’s the best and honest way to get money?
“Welp, time to get a job.”

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“What do you mean I can’t get a job?!”
>“W-well, you see sir, we can’t hire former convicts,” said the mare behind the counter.
>“It’s bad for business if Ponies catch word that you used to be a criminal.”
>“And I doubt anypony else around these parts would take you in.”
>Fun-fucking-tastic, even Equestria isn’t safe from the catch 22 hellhole that is being an ex-con.
>Get caught? Gotta tell potential employers you were in the big house.
>They won’t hire you because of your history being a convict? Go back to the life of crime until you get caught again.
>Rinse and repeat.
>Looks like you have to go back to prison again sooner than you thought.
>Damnit, you promised Cookies and the Warden you’d make a better life out here.
>This sucks.
>“Nopony move! This is a robbery!” a female voice shouted behind you.
>Robbery, today? Right now?
>This sucks times two.
>You turn around and see two Ponies had burst into the shop.
>A yellow stallion holding a green trash bag on one hoof and a water gun in the other.
>His partner, a pink mare, is wielding a hot glue gun.
>And both of them wore socks over their heads.
>Not the lingerie socks like in those b-rated comedy movies.
>No, they’re wearing full blown gym socks.
>Without eyeholes.
>These Ponies, man.
>“On the floor! Now!” The pink one yelled.
>Every customer inside the room did what she commanded.
>Except for you of course.
>The two ain’t got shit on you.
>Heck, you’d take Pink a bit more seriously if the hot glue gun she had was plugged in.
>”Alright! Put the money. In. The. Bag!”
>Yellow waves his bag in front of the shopkeeper’s face.
>”Put it in!”
>Or at least tried to...
“You’re facing the wrong way.”
>Upon hearing your words, Yellow briefly push off his sock mask halfway through to scan the room.
>“Oh, thanks for the heads up.”
>Pulling in back on his mask, he repositioned himself facing the counter.
>“Alright! Give me the money!”
>Okay, you’re certain you must be participating in the cutest robbery you’ll ever experience, ever.
>Poners will never cease to amaze you.
>Oh look, Pink finally notices you’re still standing.
>”You! Tall guy! I said get on the floor!” Pink cracked her voice as she points the glue gun at you.
>Fuck your poor weak virgin heart.
>Her little intimidation tactic is far too cute for you to take her seriously.
>Kinda reminds you of the first time you met Cookies ‘n Cream.
>Too bad for her she’s no Cookies.
>Time to end this.
“Yeah, nah.”
>You promptly march up to the two and grab their “weapons” and throw them away, out of reach for anyone to grab.
>To the partners in crime, it felt like you had used the Sisters’ power to move the sun and moon against them.
>To you, it was like taking toys away from misbehaving children.
>”Hey! Give them back, you ape!” Yellow spoke up.
>Wow, gee, what an original and refreshing insult.
>With the strength of a regular daily workout routine, you lift the two Ponies by their scruff and hold them in a way so they’re facing you.
>The duo tries to escape your grasp but all their effort manage to do was wiggle their teeny-tiny hoofsies in the air.
>Again, your heart can only take so much.
“Look, I’m trying to get a job here, okay? I really need it so I don’t have to go to jail.”
>”W-what? You’ll go to prison if you don’t get a job?” said Yellow dolefully.
>Okay, you actually aren’t going straight to jail again but you rather not explain technicalities.
>”That’s horrible!” Pink said with water in her eyes. “We didn’t mean to interrupt your interview.”
“Yeah, well, you both did. And I’m not the only one you should apologize, you know.”
>You gesture toward everyone in the shop.
“People in this shop, who were trying to live their lives, had their day interrupted by both of you.”
>Pink and Yellow now look dejected.
>”We’re sorry,” the pair said simultaneously
>”It’s okay!” exclaimed one of the customers.
>Who was still on the ground…
>Why is everyone still on the floor?
“Uh, you guys know you can stand up now, right?”
>There was a distinct “oh” from one of them before the Ponies stood up.
“You folks just stay here until the authorities arrive; they might need to talk to everyone about what happened.”
>You could have said police instead of authorities, but the horses around these parts have a different name for them.
>You still refuse to call them ponice.
>You place the would-be robbers on one of the cushioned diner seats.
“Now, what’s going here?”
>Pink then pulled her sock off, revealing her dark navy blue mane and eyes.
>”W-we didn’t mean to rob this place.”
“You sure? I’m still new to Equestria, so excuse me if I don’t understand your cultural norms. Is ‘this is a robbery’ one way for Ponies to say ‘hi, I’d like one cup of coffee and two jelly donuts to go, thank you very much’?”
>You can see Pink blushing with a guilty frown on her face.
>You look back at Yellow who had also removed his sock off.
>“You see, my sister and I just got out of prison. Nobody wanted to hire us since we’re ex-cons.”
>They’re siblings? Made since when you saw Yellow’s mane and eyes had the same colors as Pink’s.
>Twins maybe?
>They look related once you notice the similar facial features.
>Still kinda hard to tell at a glance since most Ponies look the same to you if you were to go colorblind suddenly.
>“A-and we needed the money to pay off our apartment’s rent.”
>Wait, did they say they were ex-cons?
>“S-so we had to resort to-to…”
>Shit, looks like you weren’t the only one who got fucked over by catch 22.
>Now both of them caught dust in their eyes.
“I get it; I get what you both mean. But that doesn’t give you the right to steal from others who do honest work.”
>“We understand,” they said at the same time.
“That better also mean you know you’ll be facing jail time again.”
>“B-but we said we’re sorry!” Yellow protested.
“That doesn’t excuse you from facing punishment for your crimes.”
>“I don’t want to go back to prison! Not again!” she said, visibly shaken to the core.
>“Sis, sis!” Yellow shook her. “It’s fine, sis. We’ve done this before. We’ll get through this, together as always.”
>Yellow then hugs her with all his might.
>Forehooves wrapping around her barrel.
>His head rubbing all over on top of her mane.
>Didn’t your doctor say something about experiencing an excessive amount of cuteness into your system is dangerous?
>If you keep this up, you might need a heart transplant.
>God knows what levels of debt you’d be in if that were to happen.
“Okay, look. I don’t usually do this, and I know this is a long shot, but...”
>Wait, what are you doing?
“... I’ll try to help you both after your sentence is done and over with.”
>Why are you helping the people who tried to rob you and everyone else here?
“Maybe help you two get a job somewhere, I dunno. Something at the very least.”
>“W-why do you want to help us? After all we did to you and everypony here?”
>Good point Pink pony who could have burnt you with a hot glue gun if she didn’t forget to plug it in. Why are you helping?
“Because knowing you two will be suffering out there somewhere without any help, I think I might get a heart attack just thinking about it.”

>Meanwhile in your subconscious.
>“Huh, that’s quite astute of you, Heart.”
>“Aw, why thank you, Brain.”
>“I only agree to go along with this because if you die on me, I’ll do too.”
>“I love you too, Brain!”
>“No, I mean as literal-” The sound of somebody letting out a distant groan can be heard in the empty void. “You know what? Nevermind, Heart. Let me focus now, okay?”
>“Okay!”

>Back in reality.
“Name’s Anon Y. Mous. But you can call me Anon, my friends do.”
>The few friends you could get in this dimension, to be exact.
>The Warden, Cookies, your prison mates, uh...
>Is it sad that everyone you call a friend is still in prison?
>The two look at each other in worry.
>“H-heart attack?” Pink stuttered.
>Yellow speaks up, “Are you gonna be okay?”
>Oh boy, don’t make them panic.
>Better shrug it off as a joke.
“Just kidding, guys. Now please, your names.”
>You can see them relax somewhat.
>“Tic,” the pink mare starts first.
>“Tac,” yellow second.
>Tic? Tac? Does that mean…?
“Where’s Toe?”
>Geez, they’re making sad puppy faces again.
>“He’s at a better place, Anon.”
>Oh.
>OH!
>Oh…
>Guess somethings can’t be avoided no matter how hard they try to be innocent around here in Equestria.
>“How did you know about our brother?”
“Lucky guess?”
>“Oh, uh, okay...”
>Well, at least they accepted your excuse.
“...”
>“...”
>“...”
>And so begins the awkward silence.
>What’s your plan now, genius?
>Okay, so no matter how much you want to help the two, you still have to help yourself if you're going to help others.
>Better get the job then.
“Great to meet you, Tic, Tac. I have to make sure I get that job, so I’ll leave you two here. Alright?”
>They both nod silently as you left them to tend their… feelings, you guess.
>With the exception of mentally, it’s not like anyone in the room actually got hurt.
>You walk toward the counter and greet the shopkeeper once again.
“You alright, ma’am?”
>”O-oh! I'm all right, sir. Just a little startled is all. My heart’s still jumpy after that horrible, horrible, robbery.”
“Glad to hear it, ma’am.”
>You scan the room and find that everyone else is settled. Not much talking than before you entered the shop but at least everyone aren't stiff as boards
>Like the little heist didn’t even happen, almost.
>“Forget about little old me. What about you? What you did there was beyond the call of duty, sir. If there’s anything I could do for you, anything at all, just ask.”
>Anything?
“Anything, eh?”
>You wiggle your eyebrows.
>It took a second before she realizes what you’re implying.
>As she blushes, you lean yourself toward the mare.
>“O-oh my goodness, sir.”
>Wanting to meet you halfway, she moves closer to you.
>“What do you have in mind~?”
>And closer...
“You did say /anything/, right? I didn’t mishear that?”
>Closer…
>“No earwax in your ears, sir~. I think we can discuss your reward in the back room-” 
“What about that job?”
>“No.”
>Fuck.
>In a blink of an eye, she went from fluttered and melting on the spot to that stoic
professionalism she had going when you were asking for the job.
>You weren’t even planning to do anything sexual to the mare.
>Do the same ear scratches and petting routine thing back in prison, and you’ll get this gig.
>She must take the whole no ex-cons in her shop thing seriously.
>”I’m sorry, sir. While I’m very thankful you stopped the robbery; our policy still states we’re not allowed to hire criminals.”
>Wow, you’re not even mad at her. It takes guts for any Pony or otherwise on this planet to face up to you, even after what you did a few minutes earlier.
“If that’s the case, can I get-”
>You then got cut short by the shop’s door being kicked in.
>“Manehatten Ponice!”
>Ugh, these horses and their half-baked Poner puns.
>You look at the door to find a lavender coated, ginger orange maned mare donning a police uniform had burst into the scene.
>“Everypony on de floawh, now!” the little Pony officer commanded with a little cute Brooklyn accent.
>And everyone did.
>Again.
>Including Tic and Tac.
>For fuck’s sake.
>“Heard dere’s a crime in progress across the street.”
>Wow, gee, wonder where she heard that.
>Not like the two cute little yellow and pink Pon-pons had announced said crime shouting on top of their lungs.
>She studies the room but finds nothing other than Ponies laying on the floor. It just so happens she didn’t spot you.
>Can’t blame her, she’s searching for four feet tall little Pony dudes, not a six foot Human who could blend in the background by putting on a lampshade on his head.
>At least the cavalry's here.
>Even though she’s late.
>They’re always fucking late.
“Yeah, they’re right over there.”
>You direct her to the seat where Tic and Tac are sitting.
>She glances at where you’re gesturing to see two cowering Ponies, who just so happen to blend in with the rest of the customers now that they had their weapons taken away and took off their masks off.
>“Doesn’t look like the perps tuh me.”
>Her green turquoise eyes are back on you, now with that look of… recognition?
>“Hey, I know yuh!”
>She does?
>“Yuh’re dat minotaur-ape thing I busted a month ago!”
>Huh, so she’s the one who had taken you in the slammer?
>Weird, you were sure you’d remember the very Pony that arrested you.
>Was there something you missed-
>“Out of prison and already tryin' tuh rob a donut shop, huh?”
>The fuck are you talking about, popo Pone?!
>“Where not only it so happens tuh be my favawhite go-to-destination, but also a numbuh of ponice officers I know who are across the street at dis very moment.”
>You took a glance behind here and see, just right outside the door, a police station more than a dozen Pony police officers outside.
>Some are already setting up roadblocks and a handful of them are positioning themselves in front of the shop.
>With a raised eyebrow, you glare at Tic and Tac in a way that says “What kind of dumb were you on?”
>The two wannabe robbers merely smile back at you with embarrassment on their faces.
>You roll your eyes.
>You look back to see the officer take out a pair of black-tinted aviators.
>They look awfully familiar...
>“Any second now dis place will be stawhmin' with choppers. Yuh won’t be able tuh hide nor outrun us.”
>The sound of helicopters flying overhead rushes in your ears while their searchlights blanket the whole building with bright whiteness.
>You look out the window.
>Ponies in pedal-powered helicopters with flashlights in their mouths.
>You could hear Leonardo Da Vinci kicking and screaming in his grave.
>The Pony officer unfolds her sunglasses.
>“See? And don’t think yuh can outgun us eithuh. Dis building is going to be surrounded by our finest SWAT officers dis city have tuh offuh.”
>Right on cue, several carriages outside grind to a halt. Then Ponies donning black tactical police armor and headgear start pouring out and encircle the building.
>When you meant headgear, you mean bicycle and construction helmets coated over with black spray paint.
>And the armor? Football shoulder pads.
>They even have tiny pillows and floaties wrapped around their knees.
>If they plan to kill you slowly with an unreasonable amount of adorableness, it’s certainly working.