"Play with your heart?"
>The mare behind the counter nods and sighs dramatically. "Yes, Anon! You can't just sashay up here and give me that adorable look and have me cut my prices in half!"
>You hum to yourself, looking at some of the other stalls
>The owners quickly turn away from you, or go back to helping other customers
>Carrot horse actually goes back to arranging carrots by size
>Can't tell if lewd... or just busywork
"Now, you don't think I'm that cruel! You know I'm a regular, Blue Belle-"
>"Hmph! Only when I've got what you need-"
"And you got what I need right now, which is why I'm here. Come on. 25%? You're gonna sell out."
>Giving another overly-dramatic sigh, the mare scoots two large boxes of blueberries over to your side of the booth. "Fiiine. 8 bits."
>You make a scene out of patting yourself down for the money
>"Ah! No. No store credit - don't you even try."
>You both share a laugh as you drop the money on the counter, placing the food in your bag
>A little bit of theater and a little bit of flirting goes a long way to stretching your paycheck
>Who knew some mares just wanted to be talked to?
"Let's see... berries, mixed. Got it. Potates, Greens...carrots, alright. Well. I think I'm done..."
>"Last call!"
>Lifting your head up, you notice BonBon's almost out of goodies
>Damn. She was making saltwater taffy today! You gotta get you some!
>Eh. The girls can wait - you'll only be a few minutes late
>Surely they won't get into any trouble
>for some reason, you shudder involuntarily

>BE DARING
>And you were, or else you were really stupid
"Are.... are you certain we should be doing this?"
>Rarity and Twilight nod furiously
>"Yes, see - we need to know what our colt's like, right? And what's more telling than a wardrobe?"
>"A-and! And it'll help us catalog what his tastes are, and we can start stockpiling gifts!"
>This mare, thinkin' ahead
>"Ah... don' get th' wrong idea, but... ain't this an' invasion of his privacy?"
>"Laaaaame~"



>RD begins to antagonize AJ, and you let them have at each other
>It's only been a week since you got back from the Crystal Empire
>And this is the first time Anon's left you all alone in his house
>albeit, you're just waiting for him to get back from shopping for dinner, and not like... housesitting for him
>still
>It doesn't really give you a lot of time to... explore
>shutupyou'retotallynotsnooping
>You look at his dresser, swallowing slightly 
>it's got 5 drawers - WHY does it have FIVE?!
>What the hell could he even have in there?!
>What if it's...what if it's HYGIENE products?!
>Please don't let it be a drawer filled with coat care products and powders and-
>*squeakasqueakasqueak-*
>"Pinkie, stop jumping on his bed and help us out here."
>"Aww, I was just practicing~"
>With a triumphant hop, the pink one lands next to you, brushing up against your barrel. "Soooo...adventurer.... which one should we start with?"
>You can feel them staring at you
"Uhhhhh...."
>"L-logically, wouldn't the heavy stuff be on the bottom?"
>"Yeah, but isn't it just filled with clothing?"
"Uhh...."
>"I mean, that's all that was in the closet. Suits and suits and pants and-"
>"Rainbow, dear, we get the picture. We were there."
"Middle one."
>"Wait, what?"
>WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING-
"Bottom."
>"Well, you're closest, so-"
"I MEAN TOP. THE FIRST."
>"....Well, you have wings, so-"
>fuck
>With a heavy sigh you hover up to the top drawer and begin to slowly pull it out
>Or, you would, if your wings didn't stiffen and the blood rush to your face
>Oh dear
>"Wh- hey! Y'all alright up there? What is it- Twai?"
>"I got it, hold on-"
>A purple haze grips you and the drawer, and you both float down to the ground
>And everypony goes red
"Wh...why does he have a... a whole lingerie drawer?"
>"I-I-I-I'm sure there's a v-very good reason-"
>Silently, Fluttershy reaches in and picks up a white, fresh-scented [spoiler]pair of socks[/spoiler]
>. . .
>"Wh...what do they feel like?"
>Damnit RD


>*tapf*
>. . .
>*tapf* *tapf* *tapf*
>*FUMP*
>Heh
>The carpet rebounds from where you stomped it
>You listen as your hooves make curious sounds, socks-on carpet muffling pretty much everypony
>They're... I mean, you'd NEVER be caught outside in these things
>You bend your knees and smile as the elastic tightens around your thighs
>Dang...
>You're unashamedly stiff right now
>"Heheheheee~ no WONDER Nonny has so many-"
>Ponka rolls around on the bed, her besock'd legs kicking in the air
>Rarity does a few 'test prances' infront of a mirror. "Hmm... sadly, my coat is white, so I don't get the contrast that the rest of you do, but..."
>She bends, and then grins
>Awww yeah she's discovered elasticy goodness
>"W-well. I don't see what th-the big deal is-"
>"Then whai dontcha' tuck yer wings back in an' come help me git the kitchen ready?"
>"Shutup!"
>There's some sounds coming from down the hall, and you stick your head out just to see Fluttershy round the corner then stop
>But
>BUT SHE SLIDES ON THE HARDWOOD OH MY CELESTIA THAT LOOKS LIKE SO MUCH FUN
>You can't help but wiggle in excitement as you run into the hall
>aaaaaaand STOP
>*tssssss*
"Aww YEAH!"
>AW YES. You went like two - no, THREE body-lengths there!
* * *
>So, it only took about 5 minutes for everypony to realize that socks are the greatest thing, and shouldn't be kept to colts only
>I mean, you're not going to wear them OUTSIDE
>sheesh
>But... 
>"HAH! FIVE LENGTHS!"
>"Cheatin'! Pinkie, yer cheatin'!"
>Ponka sticks her tongue out as Twilight updates everypony's scores
>As soon as it became a competition Fluttershy bowed out to snuggle the furniture or something
>Whatev
>You're totally gonna make it to the end of the hall
>You're gonna DO IT
>JUST DO IT
>You build up speed on the carpet for traction, and then as soon as you hit that little divider you swing your hips-
>*tsssssssssssssssss~tmf*
"Aww, COME ON! PINKIE YOU CHEATED-"
>"That's wha AH said!"
>"Four... no, Four and a quarter." Twilight says


>Grumbling, you make your way back to the herd
>Dang pink cheating horse
>You don't know how she did it, but... 
>Whatever. Fucking gypsy magic horse
>As you plop your flank down beside Rarity, watching Dash Limber up for her 'totally awesome' run, Fluttershy makes a guest appearance
>"O-oh... so, um, is everyone having fun?"
>You grunt
>"She means yes, dear. Why don't you take a seat?"
>Rarity pats the space next to her
>"Sure. Thank you very much." Fluttershy smiles, leaning forward to nuzzle Rarity
>"You're quite we-" 
>*tak*
>"-EEEAH! FLUTTERSHY!"
>"MY SNOOTIE!"
>Mares down, Mares down!
"What in th- was that a lightning bolt?"
>"No, no no, that was like, a fluttershy-tier lightning bolt. So static, really."
>Rainbow lazily walks over, smirking at Rarity's red face
>"Well still! Fluttershy, you should know better than to track lightning into the house-"
>"B-b-b-but I don't do w-weather patrol! I-I'm sorry, Rarity! I don't know-"
>*shuff*
>Your ear twitches
>*shuff shuff*
>...
>*shuff shuff shuff*
>A shudder goes down your spine
>Don't look
>"Hey... Daring~"
>You swallow hard as Pinkie breathes hotly in your ear
"Y-yes, Pinkie P-"
>*tak*
"-AGH! Dangit!"
>You leap to your feet and whack her with a hoof
>No static
>Pinkie, laughing, scurries away
"...scuffling her hooves against the carpet - BOOKS!"
>"GAH! What?!" Twilight glares at your sudden outburst
"What the buck is she doing? WHY does she keep getting superpowers?!"
>Twilight stares at Ponka for a little while as she builds up a charge, then hoofshakes AJ, starting yet another chase
>"Oh! Well - ah. Socks are a fabric, and the carpeting is a fabric - so the friction between them is generating static electricity! That's the basic...fundamentals...."
>Everypony is staring at each other
>. . .
>*shuffashuffashuffashuffashuffashuffa*
* * *
>You are the best shopper that ever was
>Tiny horses can't into haggling
>Bless your Uncle, [spoiler]Crazy Hassan[/spoiler], for teaching you how to barter like a man


>Enough root vegetables and greens to provide a hearty stew
>Stopped by the morgue, picked up some beef
>Celestia bless organ donors
>Plenty of blueberries, peaches and cream for a dessert...
>PLUS you got some of Bonbon's saltwater taffy. Last batch, if what she said was to be believed
>Dang
>Man, this was gonna be EASY MODE. 
>Throw everything into the crock pot, let it simmer, divvy up the stew - put the beef in yours, of course....
>You're gonna look like a master chef with zero actual work
>Perfect
>Balancing the bags on your wrists, you deftly thrust your key into that tight lock
>...you really need to get it oiled up or something
>With a hearty *click* you open the door
>. . . aaaaaand nothing
>You step into the hallway and are about to call out, until you hear.... something
>It sounds like... well, honestly, it sounds like mischief
>Silently you slide out of your shoes, placing your groceries at the front door
>Your socks make no noise against the hardwood
>Rounding the corner, you take stock of your living room
>. . .
>"Gonna...hahh...get you.... for that!"
>Twilight's legs are blur, yet she moves forward at a furious 1mph
>"Ah...nnf...ain' sorry! Ah dun need no book tah learn how tah farm!"
>It seems like Applejack is... advancing as well
>Looking around, from your high vantage point, you notice your... marefriends all shuffling at each other
>On your carpet
>IN YOUR SOCKS
>...well those are ruined
>Like some tiny horse thunderdome, they pair off until just within booping range, then they shock their target and shuffle away
>"Crop...rotation...is...IMPORTANT...KNOWLE-AAH~!"
>AJ just scored a hit
>Doing a direct 180, she starts shuffling towards... looks like Daring
>From behind the couch you hear a dainty wail, and in a few moments Fluttershy rounds the armrest, the biggest shit-eating grin you've ever seen on her face
>. . .
>You lean against the wall, crossing your arms
>Blackmail material like this doesn't come across often
***


>You are [spoiler]TACO[/spoiler]
>Tall food is nicest. He lets you snuggle with him in the big soft, and doesn't yell at you when you molt... most of the times
>He asks you to do it "in poses that would scare the childrens" but, you just molt under the tree
>It's cooler there
>But! Smaller foods are here today, so you hid under the bed
>You're not afraid of smaller foods, just when you come out sometimes they taste bitter and they make loud mouthsounds
>But maybe you fell asleep...? Is that why they're gone?
>Oh! Oh there's a thing on the floor!
>Ooooh it's one of your hidey places! The tall hidey place!
>That's a good one, it always smells so nice
>Smiling to yourself, you slide out from under the bed and proudly step into the drawer
>. . .
>But something's wrong
>The tiny soft edible pillows are gone
>In the distance you hear a squeal and some yelling
>. . .
>They took the tinies! HOW DARE THEY?!
>You scrunch so hard as you lay down in the less-soft drawer
>You're gonna molt RIGHT on their floor!
>Right after this nap! OOOH YOU HOPE YOU CAN KEEP THIS EXACT LEVEL OF ANGER UP THROUGH UNCONSIOUSNE-oh hey giant purple sparkly horse
>You....you shall be the first to fall



>YOU ARE ANON
>"S-so, babe, uh... yanno, you can't uh - DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY A SINGLE-"
>An orange hoof meets a blue side, and RD wheezes out whatever else she was going to say
>"What, ah, what Rainbow meant to say was, ah...."
>Applejack glares at Daring, who looks quickly between her and you
>Keep the pokerface, Anon
>This is only getting better
>"S-so, love, uh.. w-well, yanno, I wanted to uh... play-"
>Everypony shakes their heads
>"-train our uh, herd to... better protect you, i-in case you're foalnapped again!"
>Oooh, finished strong
>Good for you
>Time to add in just a piiiinch of doubt:
"Mmmm."
>Oh, she looks like she's going to press it!
>SELL THE LIE
>BELIEVE THE LIE
>DOUBLE DOWN, DARING DO
>"S-so we were doing a uh, traction-less obstacle course! To make sure that, if, oh I dunno, we're running after you in a freshly-waxed marble corridor, that we're able to cat-"
"But half of you have wings. You could just fly."
>KEEP THE POKER FACE, ANON
>You watch the hope die in Daring's eyes
>". . . w-well, if we've escaped, but are still bound-"
"Mmhmm."
>"A-and you know how often RD and I sprain our wings-"
"Aaah."
>"S-so, well, we need to make sure we can operate regardless of optimal conditions! It's very, uh, I mean it's a very specific set of skills - I don't know if you can truly appreciate the dedication we're demonstrating in training like this-"
>As one, these little niglet horses all nod, smiling wide
>Smiling, and still ruining your socks
"Wellllll~"
>Aww, you're a softie - let them keep their prid-
>"I HAVE TRANSCENDED, PINKIE! LOOK UPON ME AND DESPAIR~"
>You turn your head to look up the stairs as Twilight descends, wearing...
>An additional sock on her tail, ears and - wings...
>Fuck THOSE are ruined now; no way the elastic held.
>Triumphantly she lands on the hardwood hallway, her legs skidding just a little bit out of her control before she turns, her triumphant grin immediately vanishing
>. . .
>You raise a single eyebrow


>"....IT'S AN EXPERIMENT! YOU CANNOT FATHOM THE DEPTHS OF MY KNOWLEDGE!"
>You raise your second eyebrow
>You see Twilight look at you, then at somepony behind you (probably Daring or RD, your troublemakers) then back at you
>"O-or, uh, it's an experiment ... on... uh...t-trains? Training. Training! Yes! Training to do experime-no! Uh-"
>Your mind's eye paints a picture of rapid hoof-gestures, mouthing out words, possibly drawings?
>Hmm. You'll turn around suddenly in a few seconds to see what's going on behind you
>This show here is still too good
>"training...to.... bind...wings...on...with? With marble... uh. Oh!"
>Twilight looks up at you, her ears flicking subconsiously - causing your socks to waggle atop her head
>"We're training to have you bind our wings and wax us on a cold marble floor so we can foalnap you."
"Actually, that makes some sen-"
>You immediately turn your head, and your herd freezes
>Let's see
>Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are mimicing some sort of bondage setup
>AJ and Daring are - it looks like AJ's mounted Daring? Or that's some sort of pony heimlich-maneuver?
>Fluttershy is successfully hiding behind a lamp, in the if-I-can't-see-him-he-can't-see-me kinda way
>But she's not moving at all, just looking at you
>Is she... trying to be a rabbit? Just holding still, hoping your sight is based on movement and heat?
>Rarity's magic suddenly ceases, and whatever she was holding up is dropped behind your couch
>Speaking of, Pinkie's sitting on your couch, holding a "Trump/Carson will make America Great Again by making Anime Real with ancient egyptian pyramid grain silos built by mexicans" sign
>....who are these people? Donald Trump, the real estate guy?
>Th' fuck?
>Thank God you're out of touch with politics - that sounds like a headache and a half.
>But, there's only one thing to do now.


>You are Daring
>And your colt- eer, man? Manfriend. Is curled up in the doorway
>Shaking violently
>His face has gone from that beautiful emerald green
>To an almost purple
>And you'd be concerned about him if it wasn't for the deafening laughter echoing through the house
>You're blushing so hard you can barely breathe - just
>Juuuust fuuuuuccckk why did he have to come home NOW
>Come ON!
>You stomp your hooves, making soft *paf* noises that are drowned out
"OK! Ok come on OK!"
>You scrunch up at him, but his eyes are screwed shut
>Fuuuuuccckkkk
>You start to kick off your socks
>Stupid idea
>Stupid fun socks!
>Stupid Anon for having socks!
>Fluttershy makes the mistake of coming out of her hiding place and trying to talk to Anon
>That's apparently the wrong thing to do; he pulls her into a hug while still laughing
>Danigt
>Now she's embarassed AND comfy
>"HAaah... aaah, oh God, just- just, please-"
"Alright! Alright already!"
>"Nono, hehe, just - fuckin' coming around the couch-"
>"Ahnon, sweet apple, come on'! That's enough a' makin fun-"
>"But then Twilight with the sock on her horn-"
>He falls into another gigglefit which lasts for a few moments, dissolving into hiccups
>Fluttershy is pouting so hard, but she's also getting bellyrubs, so, yanno
>Fuck her
>All of Anon's socks lie in a pile in the middle of the livingroom
>Goodbye, socks, I'll miss you
>But I'd never admit that
>"S-*hic*so, grocer-*hic*-ees by the door. Twi-*hic*iht?"
>Blushing furiously, PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE, TRANSCENDENT SOCKOMANCER walks down the hallway to bring in food
>Anon, at least and at last, has finally calmed down
>"Oh... oh man. I'm going to remember that forever-"
>"Anon, please! Darling-"
>"Well, Rara, just remember that when you start getting uppity~"
>He grins, flashing his canines
>Although your tail lifts just a bit, ice runs through your veins
>conflictingfeels.newspaper


>"So...Rarity, you'll be replacing those-"
>"O-of course, dear-"
>"And providing a few pairs to everyone else-"
>"B-but! Anonymous, darling, that's just too much to ask us to-"
>He smiles, softer this time. "I thought it was adorable, and you seemed to be enjoying yourselves~"
>Blushing resumes
>He stands up with Fluttershy, de-socking her and tossing the offending garments onto the pile
>"Anyway-oh!"
>You start as a black blur runs past you and plows headlong into the sockpile
>Anon chuckles again. "Hey, Taco~!"
>Taco looks over at Anon, narrowing her eyes as she splays out over her new territory
>"Issat your sock? C'mere, issat your sock~" He leans over and grabs one of the socks, starting a playful tug-of-war with the feral insect-vampire with razor-sharp teeth
>Hmmmmm maybe want to do something about that?
>Eh.
>Taco rolls over and starts batting her hooves against his arm, hissing furiously - and that's when Fluttershy finally asks to be let go
* * *
>Rarity's Designs lay against the table
>Really? Red base with gold threads?
>You give her a flat look, but she's ignoring you - instead talking shop with Flutters about patterns and stiching and other colty things that you really can't be bothered to-
>A hoof pokes you in the side
>"Hey, Daring-"
"Hmm?"
>You turn to Twilight, who's magicking something under the table into your leg
>Leaning down, you notice it's a flyer
>"I was thinking - let's stop him now before he starts cooking, cause that's a tirade I want to skip - and do this!"
>It's... Oooh
>The Rust-Belly Food Competition
>A traveling group of tradesponies who provide curious, non-regional foods
>Plenty of stalls, tons of little carnival games - the usual fare
>Hah. See what I did there?
>Yea?
>. . . fuck even you didn't think that was funny
>Ah well
>"So, we go here, get his mind distracted - today becomes the fair day instead of, yanno-"
"Aaah, yeah! Ok."


>It looks like you're second-to-last to get the plan, cause everypony else is nodding their heads
>Save for, once again, Mrs.I'm-going-to-ally-with-our-coltfriend-and-make-the-frilliest-socks-ever-for-everypony-but-me
>White with her cutie marks on the outside. FAH.
>Oh hey, what's this?
"The... rust belly Cast Iron trophy? blah blah... oh!"
>Your eyes open wide as you continue to read
>From across the table Dash pipes up. "Yeah! So, we do that - among all the badflanks here - cept for Twilight-"
>"Hey!"
>"-we should win that trophy!"
"Yeah, but... diluted Tomato juice is a mandatory condiment?"
>Twilight picks up. "Well, there hasn't been a death in 10 years, and it's now heavily monitored by both the local doctor of choice and a travelling one with the group. I mean, you can still get sick-"
>"But what is better in life, than to rout your enemies at the table before ye and hear the lamentations of the menfolk!" Pinkie barks, slamming her hooves onto the table
>"You'll SCUFF MY TABLE if you keep that up!" Anon yells from the kitche-
>OH SHIT
"ANON!"
>"WHAT DID YOU BREAK?!"
>Oh come on, that's not even fair!
"Nothing! But, uh, can you stop for a minute?!"
>"Sto - I'm almost done with the salads, calm dow-"
>FUCK
>You all cringe collectively
"Ok. Rock, Horseshoe, Fetlock for who has to tell him?"
>Your herd nods, and then begins to play the most dangerous game
>. . .
>Aaaand Pinkie lo-
>PINKIE LOST?!
>She looks just as surprised as you when her game with AJ ends
>PINKIE LOST AND GETS TO GET YELLED AT BY THE COLT!
>The smile you wear
>It is so wide your eyes can't open
"Good luuuuucccckkkkkk~"
>"Rassafrassin... cheatin'"
>Come on, mare up Ponka
>She hops off from her elevated chair and makes her way into the kitchen
>"N-nonnyyy~"
>"Almost, al...hmm?"
>There's murmuring
>Even the two frilly fillies finally realize there's more to life than socks, and quiet down
>wait for it
>Wait for it
>"Oh! Well ok! Sure - that's fine, this'll keep."
>WAIT WHAT?!


>"Thank you for telling me, Pinkie. Any longer and it would've been the point of no return!"
>You hear a very VERY audible kiss, and Pinkie trots back out with your grin on her face
>YOU CUNT
>YOU ABSOLUTE LUCKY CUNT
>I HATE YOUUUUUUU
>"Ready to go, girls?" Anon says, wiping his hands with a towel as he steps back into the dining room
"Yes, dear!"
>You reply, your teeth grinding as the pink one makes bedroom eyes at Anon
>"I'm always ready to go, Nonny~"
>FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-
>"Well then, that means you can run off and get us our tickets, hmm? We'll catch up later."
>-FFFFFANTASTIC
>Pinkie giggles and wiggles her flank before bounding out of the house
>Fucking gypsy hoers
* * *

>BE A MAN
>Who must shitpost like a coursing river
>BE A MAN
>meme-ing hard like a great typhoo-
>Oh wait
>No, you're ANON again
>And you're actually surrounded
>By your herd, of course
>Maybe you should invest in a whip and a prod to keep 'em on track?
>Whatevs
>As soon as you got into the fairground proper, it seems like they formed a little V around you, following you wherever you go
>Awww
>Territorial horses are adorable horses
>You do some of the traditional fair fare
>HAH!
>You chuckle at that pun you just did
>What a kneeslapper
>. . . 
>Oh fuck you might have early-onset DADs
>Anyway. You get some stuffed animals and get to play guess-your-luck with some floating ducks
>Real ones, apparently
>Fluttershy... pulled the mare aside who ran that booth while you were playing
>Anyway
>The big deal is apparently the food stalls and the food competition - which, let's face it, is usually the big deal for these kinds of things
>But, free, cheap, bad-for-you food that you can take home and that can survive a nuclear explosion?
>That's a win in your book


>"Hey Anonimousies! There's some yummy cotton candy over here that won't go to your butt too quickly, wanna-"
>Ponka is interrupted by a purple haze, and you idly wonder how Bob Marley's ghost is doing
>"A-anon, just - you can get cotton candy if you want to! We like your flank just how it is-"
>You watch with growing curiosity as the main tent gets its finishing touches, decked out in a tomato theme
"So you *have* been staring at it this whole time?"
>Italian, then? Interesting choice - but isn't that "Bitaly" here?
>"Wh?! Ah, n-no! Well, I mean, yes, we are - but not, we're not! I mean, it's a nice ass, but, like-"
>Shit, if they're trying to serve ponies pasta [spoiler]then you'll just nominate your herd.
>The amount of spaghetti they produce on accident will drown out the competition[/spoiler]
>"FILLIES AND GENTLECOLTS~"
>Oh, here we go
>"WOULD ALL MARES WHO WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE PLEASE SIGN UP?! THE COMPETITION WILL START IN ONE HOUR!"
>Looking down, you notice there's a glance shared among your little horses
>Hah
>Ponelets
>When will they learn [spoiler]your superior human height allows you to see all and know all[/spoiler]
>"H-hey Anon!"
"Yes, Bluefast?"
>You smile as she bashfully hovers up to your eye level
>"W-we were wondering, well... would it be alright if, maybe, you watched us in the competition?"
>Dawww
>She's not making eye contact with you when she's asking
>You lean forward and plant a gentle kiss on her soft, warm cheek
>As you pull back she looks at you with a deep blush
"Go get 'em, tiger."
>RD goes from literally 0 to Explosion right infront of you on her way to the sign-up booth
>That would be adorable if the shockwave didn't just knock you and everyone else on your asses
>Ah well. It's a pretty day, might as well hoGodhorseseverywhere-
>"Ah cain't believe ah fool mare would-"
>"Oh dear, please, let me loo-"
>"The silly filly shouldn't have run off-"
>"ONE MILLION YEARS DUNGEON FOR HURTING YO-"