prompt:
>Anon is thrilled to find drinking buddies who don't want to constantly gossip or wear frilly things.
>Also stupid, dangerous fun stuff that present day ponies try to keep away from.
 
Note:  Original one-shot is at the bottom of this page.  The full story will be posted above it.

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>You are Anon.
>tl;dr: Ponyville is shit. It's SHIT. Condescending, white-knight behaviour everywhere. Chill at a pub in the Crystal Empire; Twilight comes to collect you. Your new best friend Harvest bore witness to the bullshit you put up with on a daily basis.
>Quietly as you can, you close the door to Twilight's tree-library.
>In the darkness of night, it's almost impossible for anypony to see you.
>You specifically planned your escape on a new moon so that there would be as little illumination as possible.
>You get a tingling in your gut as you remember all those stealth games you used to play.
>You're even wearing a hooded sweater for the occasion.
>One of your advantages over ponies is your feet: Without shoes, you're silent on the cobblestone path.
>Slowly but surely, you make your way to the train station.
>You got a letter to Princess Candence. You don't know how, but it got through.
>You can't prove anything (maybe you're just paranoid), but you're SURE that Twilight is going through your mail.
>She's always watching.
>Always.
>Reading a book; she's in the library with you, and she's positioned herself in just a way that she can see you out of the corner of her eye.
>Making dinner; she's there to "help".
>Taking a bath; you can see the purple glow of a scrying spell.
>Honestly, you aren't sure if that's her weird obsession with you, or if she's just a pervert.
>The scrying only started after you physically threw her out of the bathroom.
>She didn't fight back. Her white-knight philosophy prevents her from "hitting a colt".
>Prick.
>A twig snaps and you whip your head around.
>You can feel adrenaline purge through your system as you desperately look around for your stalker.
>For a flash of purple that would signal unconsciousness until morning.

>.......
>Nothing.
>You look down, and see a broken stick under your heel.
>Oh.
>Oh god, you need to get out of here.
>You creep past the stalls in the market place, empty except for a few trinkets that the owners wouldn't care about if they got stolen.
>For some reason, a quote from the 1970's version of the Chocolate Factory comes to mind.
>"Nobody ever goes in; nobody ever comes out."
>Lord knows you fear the little men; little bastards only come up to crotch-hight.
>The train station comes into view, and you can breath again.
>You're taking the Midnight Train.
>That's actually what they call it.
>You're split between actual fear and giggling at that one song about a small-town girl.
>You creep up to the ticket booth, which is lit by a single gas lantern, and you can barely see the pony inside.
"H-eruh"
>Your voice cracks, and you clear your throat. Keep it together, Anon.
"I have a ticket for the Midnight Train. Destination is the Crystal Empire."
>The pony slowly slides their hoof out of their little box, and drags it inside.
>The sound of a card-punch is like canon-fire to your ears, and you take the opportunity to glance behind you, looking for you-know-who.
>Please, you're so close.
>Without a word, the pony slides your ticket back to you, and you thank them.
>You step onto the train, and notice right away how quiet it is. Either everypony else is asleep, or you're the only passenger here tonight.
>Guess it doesn't matter which booth you pick.

>You sit down on your tiny bench and immediately close the blinds.
>....Then you get up and close the blinds in all the other cars too.
>No need to give away your position, Anon. That's what got you caught the first time.
>Once the deed is done, you return to your car. The entire train is eerily quiet, and the silence sets your teeth on edge.
>All you can do now is wait.
>Wait and pray.
>Everything is finally coming together for you.
>You sent three ponies to buy your ticket.
>THREE OF THEM.
>You paid the first one to hire the second one; the second one to hire the third one; and the third one to buy the actual ticket.
>It's not paranoia if you're up against a magic horse that can know where you are and what you do at ANY time.
>Yandere behaviour is so much more terrifying when they can use teleport magic.
>Next, you got three completely unrelated ponies, AGAIN, to send your letter Princess Cadence.
>The first line was EXPRESS ORDERS (aka desperate pleading) not to inform her husband of your plight.
>You can't risk him telling Twilight.
>You explained to her your situation, and thankfully she was sympathetic.
>You don't know what sets Cadence apart from the rest of the Alicorns (and most of the mares), but she's on the level with you.
>She even offered to grant you asylum.
>Asylum!
>If you make it to the Crystal Empire, you're going to kiss her right on her weird horse-face. You don't care if she IS horsemarried, you'll still do it.

>You are Twilight, purplest pony in all the land.
>You just woke up from a most pleasant dream about you and Anonymous.
>You were out on a hill watching the stars together, and you were cuddling him under a warm blanket.
>Nothing sexual happened, but it made your heart hurt SO GOOD.
>Oooooh goodness you hope to make that a reality soon!
>When you first met Anonymous, he looked so scared and helpless.
>You aren't afraid to admit that your heart melted at the sight.
>There's nothing wrong with a mare having these feelings, no matter what that cunt Rarity says.
>.....
>You don't smell breakfast.
>The hell is THIS shit?
>Celestia-dammit, Anonymous. First he refuses to take Caramel's cooking lessons down at the community centre, forcing YOU to teach him. And NOW he won't even use his new-found skills.
>Breakfast was the perfect way for him to learn.
>You let him eat and sleep in your house, and you THOUGHT that a hot breakfast in the morning wouldn't be too much to ask in return.
>....Wait, no, you take that back. You sound like a creep.
>You're a big girl, and you can make your own breakfast.
>Better check up on Anonymous, though. He hardly ever sleeps this late.
>You walk up the stairs to Anonymous's room.
>Maybe he just slept in. After all the fun he had yesterday with his colt-friends, you don't blame him for getting a little extra shut-eye.
>He can deny it all he wants, but you KNOW he enjoys his time out with Time Turner and Bulk Biceps. 
>Sometimes he just needs to cut back, drop his macho-marely attitude, and socialize with other colts.
>You knock on his door, but you don't get any reply.
"Anonymous? Time to wake up."
>Still nothing.
>Carefully, you open his door and poke your head in.
>You hope to Celestia that Anonymous doesn't have any colt-things laying around in plain sight.

>You are Anon.
>You've been wide awake during your trip to the Crystal Empire, despite the time.
>You've heard the rumours flying around Ponyville; that Princess Luna uses her powers of the night to sooth colt's and fillies' dreams and chase nightmares away.
>And once word gets out that you've escaped Ponyville, Celestia's star student is bound to contact Luna and ruin your plans.
>Or, with your luck, tonight will be the night that Luna decides to visit your dreams on a whim.
>You sigh and continue to pace the halls of your carriage.
>Twilight probably won't be awake for another few hours, but you're working on the assumption that she decided to wake up 5 hours early and already knows that you're gone.
>You're basically operating on the assumption that she knows EVERYTHING about your plans and is actively working against you right now.
>Prepare for the worst, hope for th-BEEEP
"AAAHH!"
>thud
>"We are now approaching the Crystal Empire. The time is 4:37 AM. Thank you for riding with us."
>You stand up and gingerly make your way towards the door, limping and cradling your right knee.
>Fucking train conductor.
>Fucking solid-wood frame.
>Fucking THAT WAS YOUR BAD KNEE
>You step outside and take in the view.
>The sky is dark, the street lamps haven't been lit, and the air smells faintly of rain.
>Also Princess Cadence is waiting for you.
>"Hello, Anonymous!"
>Despite the early hour, Cadence doesn't look even a tiny bit drowsy.
"Hello, Princess."
>You give her a short bow out of respect.
"Thank you SO MUCH for granting me asylum in the Crystal Empire."
>Cadence begins to walk towards the castle, and you follow a few paces behind her.
>"Anonymous, these past few months ruling the Crystal Empire have opened my eyes."
>The roads are empty, luckily. But would it even matter, since you're in a different kingdom?
>"I've seen how my ponies act, and I've seen how Celestia and Luna's ponies behave."
>"And obviously, I've seen how Shining reacts when it's just the two of us."
>She glances at you with a warm smile and a twinkle in her eye.
>"Between you and me, most of the population thinks Shiny is gay."
>You bark out a laugh and you can feel your anxiety melting away.

>You are Anon, and you've been enjoying your new home for nearly a month, now.
>Thing is, you're supposed to avoid Shining Armor. 
>Or, as he apparently insists on being called, Prince Mi Amore Shining.
>Cunt.
>Best part is, the palace is big enough that you don't really even have to TRY to avoid him.
>Your only advice from Cadence was "Don't enter the hall where my and Shining's bedchambers are, and also avoid the gym between 1 PM and 4 PM."
>Cadence has been a total bro to you.
>She hasn't tried coddling you, or try and talk you out of "dangerous" activities, and you've yet to see that superior "I know better than you do" smirk that most mares in Ponyville wear around you.
>Apparently males and females treated each other very differently about a thousand years ago, which was right around the time of the Crystal Empire fiasco.
>Which means that the men are men, and the women are somewhat less manly men.
>Shit's pretty cash.

>As it is, you're having a late-night drink with your old best friend, Harvest Solstice.
>He and a group of his friends met up with you at The Green Horsefucker for a reunion drink.
>You couldn't be happier.
>The men.
>THE FUCKING MEN
>You have NO idea how good it is to be around men who aren't flamboyantly gay while still aching for the V.
>On top of that, the women don't try to awkwardly hit on you and buy you drinks.
>Your wallet is taking a bit of a hit, which makes you sad.
>But hey, take the good with the bad, you guess.
>Harvest Solstice is talking animatedly with a dark-red mare when you walk in.
>"An-and then, no joke, this lil' purple unicorn BURSTS IN through the door an' starts doting on Anonymous like a mother hen. Picks him up in her magic and is all flippin' him around, looking for injuries or some shit."
>The mare roars in laughter and downs the rest of her drink. Harvest notices you and waves you over, cheering.
>"Speak of the devil and he shall appear! Anonymous, c'mere! Meet my friends!"
>The dark-red mare's name is Lightning Bouquet.
>The bright-blue stallion's called "Apricot Honeycomb".
>And the sickly-green stallion's named "Windy Comet".
>The five of you shoot the shit for a few hours, mostly making fun of the ponies in Ponyville, and catching up on how the times have changed in the last however-many centuries.
>You stumble home rather drunk, and decide that it would be a good idea to get a snack.
>You're hungry for pizza (as you usually are when you drink), but no such thing exists in ponyland.
>So, you settle for the next best thing: A BLT minus the B.
>The vegetables are so FRESH compared to what you had back on Earth, which means your sandwich doesn't suffer from the lack of pigflesh.
>You're about half-way done your sandwich when you hear clopping coming from the kitchen door.
>Is hope to god that's Cadence.
>"Oh.... I know I should watch my figure, but these double-chocolate brownies are just SINFUL."
>Well, fuck.
>Shining Armor is about ten feet away from you, poking though some cupboards and pony-fridges.
>"Oh misses brooowwniieeee, where aaaaarrreeee yoooouu?"
>You dislike him already; he sounds like an asshole.
>Before you can enact any escape plans of yours, brewed in your picked brain, Shining Armor spins on his heel (hoof?) and immediately spots you.
>"Oh! .....Hello."
>Well, you had a good run.

>You are future-Anon, from the distant year of one hour from now.
>You, Cadence, and Prince Mi Amore Shining are sitting in your quarters.
>Tea has been served, declined, and replaced with coffee (love that Rise and Grind blend), and the three of you are having a very frank discussion.
>C: "Now Shiny, you know that I love you very, very much, right?"
>SA: "Of course I do, silly filly. I love you just as much."
>You feel your coffee coming back on you, but you swallow it back down.
>These fucking ponies.
>Cadence takes it all in stride, if that indulgent smile means anything.
>C: "Then I need you to promise me that you won't tell your sister that Anonymous is here."
>Shining looks genuinely shocked about this.
>SA: "B-but whatever for? She and Anon are such close friends. Are they having some sort of disagreement?"
>Cadence looks a bit uncomfortable.
>"Obsessive behaviour bordering on unhealthy" is not something you say about one's sibling and expect good things to happen.
>C: "You.... could say that. Right now, Anonymous needs to be here in the Crystal Empire, and it would be for the best if Twilight had a bit of a chance to cool down before they meet again."
>SA: "Well, if it's as important as you say it is, honey, then I'll keep quiet."
>Shining downs the rest of his tea and glares at his horsewife.
>SA: "I expect a proper explanation later, Cadence. Especially if you expect to share a bed with me."
>Cadence is sweating now.
>She knows who wears the horsepants in this relationship.
>Cadence clears her throat nervously before waving a hoof at you.
>C: "Shining, love, why don't you take Anonymous out for a night on the town? I'm sure he's feeling very lonely after a month of being locked up in this old castle."
>That's bullshit and you know it, Cadence.

>You've been drinking with your awesome new friends at the pub!
>Shining Armor just happily claps his hooves together and shoos his wife out of the room.
>SA: "Great idea, Cadence! It'll give me a chance to learn more about the colt my sister has been writing to me about!"
>He turns to face you, and you swear you can see Death in his eyes.
>His eyes, which are so much like Twilight's.
>No.
>Not again.
>He holds that empty smile on his face until he hears the doors close behind his wife.
>When he drops it, you almost wish he hadn't.
>The look of deadly-seriousness doesn't look natural on him.
>This isn't Prince Mi Amore Shining.
>This is Shining Armor, Captain of the Guards.
>SA: "Anonymous? Before we go anywhere, I need you to answer me honestly."
>Oh jesus you are about to be deported like a dirty Russian.
>SA: "The way that my Candy-Vag laid it out, it sounded like you and my sister had some kind of... disagreement, correct?"
"Yeah. Twilight saw the world one way; I saw the other."
>He tilts his head, but his gaze never leaves yours.
>SA: "All this espionage just to escape to the Crystal Empire.... It can't have been for nothing."
>SA: "The first time you visited here, and Twily came all the way over here just to bring you back.... this really paints her in a different light."
>His expression doesn't falter for a moment as he stares into your soul.
>Despite his flamboyant personality, the gears in his well-honed mind are turning.
>But hey, fuck me, right?
>Shining smiles at you and tugs you up after him out the door.
>SA: "It's time that you and me had some fun, Nonny!"

>And so, you and your new best friend/warden are wandering the streets of the Crystal Empire.
>You're a big enough faggot to admit that maybe Cadence was right about getting out.
>The castle WAS a bit stuffy.
>It's nice to do the thing where you can see the sun.
>You like that part.
>"...And that's when I bucked her in the crotch!"
>Oh, right, conversation. This is happening.
>"Oh goodness, I'm just droning on and on about myself."
>Shining chuckles to himself and slows down his pace to settle down beside you.
>"Tell me about yourself, Nonny! Twily's letters made you out to be some lost and confused colt that she rescued, but my little sister's got a hero complex from here to Canterlot."
>You manage to get a chuckle out of that. 
"Here to the griffon lands, more like."
>Shining laughs and nudges your thigh. Maybe this guy isn't so bad after all.
"Well, there isn't much to say about me. I arrived here a good couple of kilometres above the ground and landed on (or is it in?) Rarity's boutique."
>Shining stops in his tracks.
>"Wait, what?"
>That's pretty much the reaction you get from everyone here when you tell them this.
>Lucky for you, whatever magic that brought you here kept you from splattering all over Rarity's nice, hardwood floors when you hit them going at terminal velocity.
"Yup. Whatever magic zapped me here didn't really have any vertical data or SOMETHING."
>You stop and unconsciously rub your arm, which still bears some scarring.
"Didn't keep me from getting injured, though. A few weeks in Ponyville hospital, and I was good to go."
>With Shining distracted by your violent introduction to Equestria, you put your hand on his withers and gently guide him towards your favourite pub.
>Manly-man bear-men await you.

"Anyway, after that I tried to do some odd-jobs around town."
>You wriggle your hoof-spiders at him. The very hoof-spiders that you've been told give a bunch of tiny girl-horses some serious wet dreams.
>You disgust yourself sometimes.
"You know, general repair; heavy lifting; sometimes massages..."
>It took you a really, REALLY long time to learn that a unicorn's horn is one of her no-no places.
>Being the unassuming man you are, you didn't instantly assume that you had Magic Mike fingers.
>Mistake number one.
>"And they just let you do that?"
"I know. Ponyville can be kind of... overbearing, in that regard, but most of them left me to my work once they saw that I wasn't killing myself with it."
>Twilight and her friends excluded, of course.
>They mean well, and you love them very much, but they are the most obnoxious assholes you know.
>By this point you've reached the pub, but Shining Armor tugs you back with his magic.
>Once you've reached a safe difference, the white unicorn pulls you aside and hisses into your ear.
>"Anon! Buddy, friend! We're going for a late-night walk, remember? We can get some drinks later; I know a WONDERFUL pub just an hour away that has a Colt's Night."
>He keeps a magical hoof on your shoulder and guides you away from the pub.
>"C'mere, I wanna show you this beautiful lake I found. There's nothing more relaxing than sitting next to it and staring into the water."
>He sounds excited, but you can hear how forced it is.
>"Sometimes there are geese there!"
>My god.
>He's going to drown you.

>You're knocked out of your dark musings by Shining magically lifting you up and placing you on a bench, and then taking a seat beside you.
>"Anon, I didn't want to talk to you about this in the palace; not something this important."
>He won't meet your eye.
>"I wasn't born yesterday, Anonymous. I can see the signs when they're there."
>"Twilight coming aallll the way over here just to collect you..."
>"Sneaking out of Ponyville in the dead of night to escape my sister..."
>"My Caddy being as nervous as she was about keeping your presence here a secret..."
>He huffs a little bit.
>"Not even trusting her own husband, just because the mare you're hiding from is my sister..."
>The hard look in his eyes is back again. He is once again Shining Armor, Captain of the Guard.
>"I know how my sister is, Anonymous. Possessive, OBsessive, and she tends to get a little... crazy when she tries and fails to right a perceived wrong."
>He scoots up to you and rests his head on your shoulder.
>P-probably homo.
>"I won't say a word to my sister, Anon. I like gossip as much as any other colt, but I know when something is off-limits."
>Maybe Prince Mi Amore Shining isn't all that bad.
>You throw an arm over his shoulder, which kind of startles him.
>Hoof-spiders, son.

>Meanwhile, in Canterlot Castle
>The above-ground portion of the castle is the crown-jewel of Canterlot.
>It is tall, majestic, and proudly boasts a powerful set of spellwork that allows it to exist clamped onto the sheer-face of a mountain.
>It was designed highlight everything that was good and proper with Equestria, beautiful and housing the centuries-old goddess-princess: the benevolent Princess Celestia.
>The underground, however, is a much different story.
>While the overground castle has spires and towers and courtyards placed wherever it felt right to place them, the belowground was designed with functionality in mind.
>A single shaft connects the castle to the dungeons, meaning that anything escaping would have only one path to take.
>The entire dungeon is symmetrical and vaguely pinecone-shaped. Everything is connected to one centre room, which has the thickest walls, heaviest doors, and most deeply-etched magical defensive runes.
>The War Room.
>Despite the lack of war in Equestria's recent history, this room was (even to this day) a site of military plans and wargames.
>Security and scrying spells all trace back to the War Room; whoever has control over the War Room, has control over Castle Canterlot.

>A heavy, mahogany table dominates the centre of the Room. Maps are pinned to every available surface, enemy and ally positions updated hourly.
>Studying this table were the Princesses, Celestia and Luna. With them were the Elements from Ponyville, each with an expression of varying levels of worry on their faces.
>TS: "Have you managed to find Anonymous yet, Princess? That's why you called us here...."
>She stops her pacing and glances at Celestia, her ears drooping and her eyes filled with hope.
>TS: "....Right?"
>You are Celestia, and you honestly don't care very much for the heavy atmosphere that Twilight Sparkle insists on bringing with her.

>You love your most special student with all your heart, but by the Old Ones, if it isn't one thing, it's another.
>All of your citizens, even your most recent and strange, have the right to live where they wish. And Element of Magic or not, Twilight doesn't get to just change that.
>But, if you can just tell her what KINGDOM he's in, maybe she can send him a letter or something, and come to terms with the entire situation.
"No, Twilight Sparkle, I haven't found any positive indication that he is outside our kingdom."
>You shoot a glance at your sister, who is reading a "Playmare" magazine with an expression of boredom.
"Have you found anything, Sister?"
>L: "Hmm?"
>Luna looks up at you, floating a bookmark between the glossy pages of her book.
>L: "Oh, yes; that. Neigh, Sister dearest. Our voyages into the dreams of our foreign allies did not reveal any increased frequencies of dreams of a hairless biped."
>She goes back to her magazine, licks a hoof, and uses it to turn the page.
>L: "Fair Anonymous hast not been to the Griffon lands, the Minotaur lands, nor any settlements near rumoured Changeling hives."
>That settles that.
"As you can see, Twilight, Anonymous hasn't been taken against his will to any foreign kingdoms."
>Applejack, who had been quiet and contemplative this entire meeting, chooses now to speak up.
>AJ: "Ah don' know 'bout that, Princess. With all due 'spect, all y'all've proven is still among ponies."
>How dare she.
>If you're about to be outsmarted by a farmer, you'll kill yourself.
>You put a smile on your face regardless.
"Oh? Do tell, Applejack. Anything you can contribute would help immensely."
>Applejack puts a dirt-covered hoof to her chin.
>Eternal Sleeper you can smell her from here.

>AJ: "Well, if'fin he ain't with the dirty catbirds, the minotaurs, or even the bug-ponies, then all that leaves is pony-controlled land."
>She walks up to the map and points to the only other pony-dominated lands left:
>The Crystal Empire.
>AJ: "Tha' jus' leaves Princess Cadence's kingdom, dunnit? If our colt hastuh be anywhere, it'll be here."
>FatherFUCKER.
>Oh well, you had a good run.
>Can you even kill yourself? You honestly don't know if you can die that way.
>TS: "Applejack! That's brilliant!"
>FUCK
>How did Twilight get right in front of you?
>You need to put a bell on that mare or something.
>Twilight turns to you and for the first time in nearly a month, she looks happy.
>TS: "Princess! Now we can go get Anon back!"
>Rainbow Dash chooses this moment to float over to your student, lazily lounging on her back mid-air.
>RD: "Twilight, I still don't see why you're getting your teats into such a twist over this. Anon's a big colt, and if he wants to live somewhere else, he can."
>AJ: "Rainbow Dash, that ain't what we're havin' an issue with here. Yer right, none'uh us can stop Anawn if he decides ter move outta Ponyville. Thang is, colt left in the dead of night an' didn't even leave a note. We're just worried tha' he left 'gainst his will, sugarcube."
>RD: "Is that why we're in a secret, awesome room hidden a billion feet below the Castle? For a colt?"
>She flips onto her stomach and inches her way over to Applejack.
>RD: "If it had been a mare, we never would have sent a letter to the Princesses."

>Rarity decided to throw her two bits into the conversation.
>R: "Rainbow Dash has a point, dear. Anonymous' room was very clean, and everything was in order. It didn't look like there was any kind of struggle."
>Applejack ignores the fashion horse and rolls her eyes.
>AJ: "Dashie, Ah ain't 'bout to have this argument with you again. Mares are taught how to take care of themselves, and stallions ain't. Fact of the matter is, Anawn's not safe out there without a mare with him."
>Ugh.
>Honestly.
>Twilight is more concerned with having Anonymous back in her house and living with her than she is for Anonymous's personal decisions.
>Applejack doesn't really care WHERE Anonymous decides to live, but she won't let go of the idea that Anonymous is incapable of "mare's work" and needs some sort of protector/minder.
>While Rainbow Dash puts up a macho-marely front (for her reputation), she's one of the only Elements who sees Anonymous as a pony first and a male second.
>Quick as you can, you usher the motley crew (and your sister) out of the War Room and teleport them to the train station. This has nothing to do with your empire, and you doubt that Twilight and her friends will do anything to spark an international incident.
>Either way, it's out of your hands now.
>.......You just realized that you could have asked your sister to visit the human's dream to find out where he was.
>You're such a dork sometimes.

>You are Anon, and you're sitting in a familiar room.
>It's your bedroom, all the way back from Earth.
>Your bed is right where you left it; unmade and smelly.
>Your clothes carpet your hardwood floors, and food wrappers litter the ground surrounding your trash bin.
>God you've missed this place.
"Any updates, Luna?"
>Princess Luna steps out from your closet, wearing one of your sweaters.
>But because this is a dream, it's been modified to fit her large, equine frame.
>"Indeed, sir Anonymous."
>She sits herself down on spinny computer chair, and entertains herself by spinning around in rapid circles.
>"Through process of elimination, my Sister and her Elements hast found thy location. My sister canst do anything herself due to legal reasons, the Elements can act as an independent party."
>She stops spinning to look at you, but instead she falls off of your chair and rolls around onto her back.
>"Expect visitors soon, Anonymous."
>The dream fades, and you can feel your body waking up.

>You are Anon, and this isn't your bed.
>And why on earth are Cadence and Shining snuggling up to......Oh.
>Oh, right. You remember now.
>The cuddling.
>It's been a few weeks since your "moment" with Shining, and since then you've all just hung out and spent time together.
>They're pretty chill. Cadence has an amazing sense of humour and can get him out of a funk lickity-split.
>Shining knows how to be a friend, and has gone so far as to lie to his sister when she sent him a letter to find out where you were.
>Suck it, Harvest Something from The Green Horsefucker! You've been replaced by your NEW best friends!

>Last night, when Cadence and her husband called you up to their bedroom, you were worried that they had caught wind of your mad hand skills.
>You really, REALLY hoped that Shining didn't want a taste of your horn-stroking.
>You know...
>Down there.
>Nope, all they wanted was a cuddling.
>Said it was a "test run" or something.
>Is cuddling like sex around here?
>You don't really know how ponies work.
>You had access to Twilight's library, but she doesn't organize her books at all.
>You had "Pony Anatomy" right next to "How to Blow a Perfect Spit-Bubble".
>You still had enough pride that you weren't about to ask Twilight how baby ponies were made.
>Just then, Cadence does this adorable little yawn and burrows into your side.
>D'aww.

>You are Twilight.
>It's been a long, LONG train ride to the Crystal Empire.
>You don't know how Anon put up with this.
>It took you so long to arrive that you had time to bunker down with one of your books, and figure out a method that you're PRETTY SURE can increase the energy output from the Magic Stream Engine.
>The train would go twice as fast, easily.
>Not that you can do anything about it NOW.
>You can't experiment when you get to the Empire, because if you buck up then you're left without a ride back home.
>But hey, you didn't want those 8 hours anyway.
>Now, why would your BBBFF lie to you about Anon being in the Empire with him?
>....
>What if Cadence isn't LETTING him speak freely through his letters?
>My gosh.
>It was her.
>It was her this entire time.
>You approach the gates to the train station, and spot a sheet of parchment magically attached to a nearby, highly-visible post.
>Let's see here....
>"No Twilights Allowed"
>SHE KNOWS
>OH CELESTIA OH CELESTIA 
>ABORT ABORT ABORT
>You sprint back into the train station and jump on board the train as it's pulling away.


>You are Anon, and you are teaching the royal pones exactly why you're so popular with the mares back in Ponyville.
>"Ooohh, Anon..."
>You're giving Cadence a two-handed full-belly rubbing, and she is more than happy to just lay on her back and kick her widdle hoovsies in pleasure.
>God you love these ponies.
>Beside you, Shining is nuzzling his wife's face, stopping occasionally to whisper sweet nothings into her ear.
>You think you might be part of a pony orgy, but you're really not sure.
>Again, you don't know how ponies work.
>You really hope that Cadence doesn't start budding your offspring.
>That would be strange.
>You-is Cadence.....?
>.....
>Yup, you are part of a pony orgy.
>Fuck your life and everything about it.

>You are once again Twilight.
>For once, things seem to be working out for you.
>Your return trip kept you occupied until nightfall, which was exactly what you wanted.
>Princess Luna should be awake by now, and maybe if you ask really REALLY nicely, she'll help you.
>You've got exclusive first dibs on any apple products that Applejack produces (even those that aren't quite in season yet), so you've got some prime bribe material.
>Ohhh, that delicious Zap apple jam.....
>You've been saving up on your jam requests. You bet you could bet a jar... no, TWO jars before anypony else.
>The Apple family always keeps a few jars in their cellar.
>They'd be stupid NOT to.

>You rush up into the Night Court, shoving nobles and other pretentious ponies out of your way.
>You're sure they'll find it in their hearts to forgive you, though.
>You saved the world several times over, after all.
>And if they have the audacity to complain....
>You aren't sure WHAT you'll do.
>You mean, it isn't like you can refuse to save the world the next time 'round, you know?
>So really it's an empty threat.
>An empty threat that these dummies have no idea is actually empty.
>ENOUGH
>Princess Luna sits before you in her venerable throne, opulent and imperial. 
>Her ancient alicorn magic hovers a playmare magazine in front of her face.
>....for the sake of what you're about to ask her, you're willing to believe that it TOO is-buck it, you don't even care right now.
>TS: "Princess Luna! Something awful has happened!"
>That is also an empty statement, but Moon-DAMMIT you need to speak with Luna!

>Princess Luna glances up at you, magicks a bookmark into her magazine ("Exclusive photos of Caramel"; "Cuddle Wings tells all") and turns to you with a bored expression.
>L: "What can I doeth for thou, Twilight Sparkle?"
>You skid to a halt in front of her, out of breath.
>God you regret all those hayburgers binges you did when you were younger.
>TS: "Princess... hah.. hah... Crystal... hah... Empire.... hahaaahh... They know!"
>You're feeling pretty light-headed right now, so you lie down on your side.
>Voluntarily.
>You didn't collapse.
>Moon above, you're out of shape.
>You regret this so much.
>TS: "Please.... hahh.... Anon's dreams.... oooh good-hah-ness.... see if he... hah... and Shiny are safe.... HLRRAAWLALALAA"
>You just vomited all over Princess Luna's throne room, and you don't even care.
>You're going to spend the next hour or two lying down, right here.
>On the cool, marble floors.
>Right next to the vomit.
>Celestia help the pony who tries to move you.

>You are Princess Luna.
>You are not impressed.
>What is that, a scrap of parchment?
>Is Twilight eating parchment?
>Yo-whatever. This is no longer your problem.
>You'll send for the royal clean-up crew later.
>As for now, you guess you'll humour Twilight and take a peek into Anonymous' dreams.
>You ignore Twilight and walk away to your personal chambers and lie down on your bed.
>It's sleepy time for Woona.

---------------------------------------




paste:
 
>You and your new best friend, Harvest Solstice meet up in the pub, "The Green Horsefucker" and chat over drinks.
"Swear to god, Harvest, it is SO good to finally talk to a stallion who isn't a fuckin' pussy."
>"No shit?"
"They're like a bunch of gossiping nannies. It's embarrassing."
>"Ehh.... I'll hold judgement 'til I meet'em muzzle-to-muzzle. Can't be THAT bad."
"You know what? It isn't the stallions that're bad. It's the MARES that are fuckin' unbearable."
>"What, are they even bigger pussies than the stallions?"
"God, I wish. You will never meet a bigger group of self-righteous white-knights than the mares of Ponyville. From day one it's been nothing but, 'Oh, Anon, let me carry your luggage! I don't want you to hurt your back!', or 'Anon, you can't be serious about getting a job! Why not find a nice mare to take care of you?', or 'Anon, touch-hoofball is probably a bit too much for you. Why don't you join the other colts inside and play Monopony?' "
>Harvest snorts into his drink in disbelief.
>"Bull. Shit."
>He wipes his muzzle clean of cider and looks you dead in the eye.
>"You actually had me goin' 'til the bit about those mares not wanting you to find a job. What, did you read a book about the Empire's history from 80 years ago?"
>He grimaces, catching his error.
>"....1080 years ago?"
>You're about to retort with something very rude (most likely insinuating something or other about his ancestors), when the pub door bursts open. Light floods the dark pub and the atmosphere is completely ruined.
>>"Anon!"
>Oh Christ, it's HER.
"Here 'comes. Harvest, friend, sit back and enjoy the show."
>Twilight Sparkles rushes over to your side, her expression a mixture of worry and anger.
>>"There you are! Anon, I told you not to come to this part of the city. It's not safe!"
>She picks you up with her magic and starts flipping you around, looking for injury.
"Twilight, please. I'm a grown man."
>She ignores you and instead magicks you into a hug.
>>"Do you have any idea how worried we were? We thought you might have gotten RAPED, or worse!"
>She presses a kiss onto your forehead and nuzzles your face.
>>"Let's go home, Anonymous. I'll tell Applejack that she can call off the search party, and Pinkie Pie can make you some of those cupcakes you really like. You know, the ones with the liquid chocolate filling?"
>Twilight trots out of the pub with you in tow, trailing behind her like some kind of bizarre kite.
>You look back at Harvest, hoping to see his reaction.
>You know it's too late for rescue. You'd given up hope long ago.
>Harvest Solstice is looking at you in confusion, but you can see dawning horror stretch across his face. His eyes are pinpricks.
>Without a word, Harvest downs the remainder of his drink, and then goes after YOUR drink.
>That fucker. You paid for that.
>God knows the only alcohol these ponies will let you have is those disgusting fruity cocktails.
>Fucking ponies.
>Fucking Twilight.



Haha, can you imagine how Ponyville would react to the Crystal Empire granting Anon asylum?

>Twilight paws anxiously at the ground while Princess Celestia circles the war table.
>"Do you think it could be Changelings again, princess?"
>>"No, Twilight, I don't think so. Changelings would be much more subtle about foalnapping Anon."
>The wavy-maned alicorn spits on the ground in disgust.
>>"And they would already be making demands by now, if it were them."
>"Can you imagine what kind of inpony labour they must be forcing him to do? Breaking rocks? Maybe even..."
>Twilight begins to tear up.
>"....forced to be a consort?"
>Rainbow Dash, worried both for her friend and the ape-alien, trots over to Twilight and nuzzles her neck.
>"Oh, he must be so scared!"
>Twilight forcefully nuzzles her back.
>"I tuh-told him not to wuh-wonder the streets! I told h-him it wasn't safe! Wh-why couldn't that S-STUPID COLT just listen to muh-me for once!"
>Rainbow Dash either doesn't know what to say, or knows that nothing she can say will help calm Twilight.
>"D-doesn't he realize we're j-just trying to k-keep him safe?"

>Be Anon
>Be back in The Green Horsefucker
>Harvest Solstice is there, along with a few of his friends.
>Happiest you've been in months.


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