“No.”

“What the fuck do you mean ‘no', Twiggles?”

“Stallions can’t own a boat!  Don’t you know what happens when a filly and a Colt are stuck together out on the water?!”

She blushes furiously as her eyes glaze over and she continues.

“The cool ocean breeze fluttering the sail…  The stars glittering on a clear night sky, a full moon overhead.  The soft light falling across your stallion’s soft features, his white billowing blouse unbuttoned, as he brings you another maregharita.  Losing control you force yourself upon the slutty colt, slipping socks over his hooves.  Maybe a scarf too, the slut.  It’s not your fault, he brought it on himself.  He cries out for help but there’s no one to stop me from having my way with-“

She’s giggling and rubbing her front hoofsies together with a lewd grin on her face.  Wiping the drool from her face, she looks back at Anon.

“And that’s why you cant-“

Who is no longer there.  He apparently wandered off at some point during her lecture.

“ANOOOOON!”
---
You are Anon, and you are back on your property.  Luckily, ponies are a lot like vampires, or Canadians, in that they can’t enter your property without being invited in first.

“Hey Anooooooon!”

Which you wish you had known about when you first got here.  You ignore the green unicorn as you continue to put the finishing touches on your boat.

“It had been your dream ever since you were a young colt to sail on the ocean, free from all dry land’s stupid laws about nudity, sodomy, and bestiality.  And then you somehow ended up horsemarried in Equestria to two beautiful fillies.”

“Lyra, what have I said about hijacking my inner monologue?”

“Do it harder Lyra, and pull on Bon Bon's tail?”

“… that’ll do pony, that’ll do.  Also we aren’t married.”

“Are you suuure?  I’d hate to see your reputation sullied after the other mares hear about what you did to Bob Bon's bu-“

“Fine, whatever, think what you want!”

Your green unicorn neighbor’s smile lights up as she trots over to inspect your handiwork.  It’s sleek and streamlined, a single-masted sloop maybe 100ft long.  You had been worried about how you were going to move large heavy logs around but quickly discovered marshmallow ponies live in a land with marshmallow wood. Out in the Everfree you found the perfect construction material.  They were like a strange mix between pine, balsa, and carbon fiber, lightweight but super strong, so you were easily able to cut and assemble the pieces.  The sap was an amazing natural sealant too, binding the seams of the hull together perfectly.   Yup, it had taken thousands of the Timberwolves, and it had been a bear to hunt down and harvestthose last few after they combined into a giant one, but your boat was now done!

“Hmm, will the three of us be enough to run this thing Anon?  We could probably use one more Mare...”

You knew that tone of voice.  It was the same one she used when she brought Bon Bon in.  Like the force of nature that was Bonnie’s earth pony booty, you found it was best to lay back and just ride it out cause it was gonna happen whether you wanted it or not.

“Well, who do you have in mind?”

“She’s a cute pegasus pony that Bon Bon served with back in ‘stan!  Her name is Sea Shell!  I bet she probably knows all about sailing!”

“…Bonnie and Shell were in ‘stan?”

“Yup, they were both out in Yakyakistan together!  I’ve heard terrible stories, but Bon Bon doesn’t like to talk about it.  Apparently Sea Shell got a lot of ribbons out there.”
---
You are Special Agent Sweetie Drops, deep cover operative for Celestia’s Organization for the Containment of rare and magical Kryptids.  The first rule of C.O.C.K.?  Never fall in love.  Fuck.  You had one job Bon Bon.  Fuck that s-stupid monkey and his stupid magic spider hooves.  It wasn’t like you l-like liked him or anything.  You were planning on going rogue anyways, it’s not like you burned the records and kept him out of the organization’s top secret RING Containment facility for him.

“You OK Bonnie?”

You nod and continue your conversation with her about Anon.  Shelly always worried you.  She never really came back after her stint in the ‘stanbox.  No one did, really.  But Shell had been especially hard hit.  She had trouble holding jobs, she never got out, and she could never find herself a stallion.

“He sounds nice Bons, but what could I offer a stallion like that?”

She looked down at the ground as they trotted towards Anon's shore side estate.  She didn’t fly much nowadays.  Too many memories.

“Anon’s kind of a weirdo, Shell.  He’s not some prissy stallion like the others.  He-”

“AHOY THERE MATEYS!!  WHO'S DOWN FOR SOME BOOOTAY!”

You are Anon and you are pimp as fuck.  Your billowing white blouse exposes just the right amount of chest and your tight leather pants leave nothing to the imagination.  A sturdy pair of folded cuff leather boots and a dark weather beaten tri-corner hat cover your top and bottoms.  A bright red silk belt holds your wooden sword by your side as you wave at the mares approaching your ship.

Bon Bon.  That’s you.  Oh dear God he’s wearing it in public.  The weird fetish gear Lyra had made for him when she found out about his boat fetish.  He is wearing.  That.  In.  Public.  That fucking sexy sexy slut, was he trying to screw this up?  Your jaw drops as you slowly turn to Sea Shell.

“Permission to be boarded, Captain?” she says as she wiggles her hips and flutters her wings seductively.

Shelly laughs.  An actual genuine laugh.  Not a polite chuckle.  You breath a sigh of relief.

Aaand yer Anon.
“Fuck yes!  Get your sexy asses up on deck.”

You watch Bonny and Shelly climb the rickety scaffolding made from much smaller bits of wood that were too short or weak to use on the boat.  It seemed a waste not to use the little ones too.  You hold out your hand to Shell as she climbs up on deck.  She takes it and takes her first tentative steps on board.

“Salutations.  I am required by pony law to tell you that I am a registered slut-”

You pull out your slut card and show it to her.  The picture is terrible, like most government ID card photos.  Lyra and Bon Bon are on either side of you holding your unconscious body up like Weekend at Bernies, hooves sticking out the arms of the coat.  You point your thumb at Lyra and Bon Bon.

“Registered to these two.  So with that out of the way, let’s get going!”

You pull out your sword and hack a piece of rope hanging beside you.  It’s wood so it doesn’t cut it, but the knot you hit comes untied and a complete array of pulleys, gears, and rope begin to move overhead.  Bottle of wine in hand, you hang over the front and smash it against the brow.

“I christen thee, the CFS Why So Sirius!”

The entire deck shifts beneath you as the entire thing begins to slide to the deep river that circles Ponyville.

With a thunderous crash, your boat splashes into the water.  You all look at each other in silence as the boat bobs up and down like a cork.

“Fuck YEAAAAH!” you cry in triumph.

They said it couldn’t be done.  There was no way a stallion could build a boat.  There was no way you could slaughter the entire local population of Timberwolves to build it!  And there was no way it would float.  Well fuck you Twilight, you fucking did it.

“Fuck you Twilight!”

You are staring her right in the eyes, because the small purple unicorn is right there on shore.  Middle fingers are extended as hard as they can, though you are sure the expression is lost on her.  You shake your sweet sweet can at her and turn to your crew.

“Ok ladies!  Let’s get the sail raised and head out to adventure!”

AJ suddenly runs up to meet Twilight on the shore.
“What’s wrong AJ?”

“It’s the cider!  All the cider is gone!”

Twiggles and AJ look back to see you and the girls toasting Frosty mugs of yellow alcoholic beverages.  You smile as you click the play button on your portable speaker system.  You play her the song of your people.

*ANY WAY YOU WANT IT THAT’S THE WAY YOU NEED IT ANY WAY YOU WANT IT!*

The sail fills as you cruise away from shore.  The shouts fade.

“Anon!  You fucking slut get your ass back here!”
---

Day one of your new life as the pirate king. As you pulled yourself out of the warm furry pile of ponies in the Captain’s cabin, you looked out the window.  Ponyville was still right where you left it.  Last night you made sure you could see that Twilight could see that you could see her as you partied at anchor.  But now there was something different.  A large shape loomed just over the horizon.  You grinned, canines flashing in challenge.  It seems Twilight had stepped up her game.

Leaning over, you blew a big fat rasberry on Bon Bon's tummy.  The pony freaked the fuck out as she assumed some kind of kung fu stance as her marshmallow hoof flew harmlessly by your head.

“God fucking dammit Anon!  I told you not to wake me up like that, I could have killed you!”

You laughed.  Silly tiny horse thinks she can hurt you, how adorable.  Leaning over, you slowly and roughly licked Lyra’s horn from the base to the tip.  The unicorn shivered and whinnied as her eyes opened.

“Oh, morning Anon!”

“See Bonny, that’s how you are supposed to wake up.”

“Fuck you monkey,” yawns the earth pone.

You run your fingers up and down Sea Shell’s back, paying special attention to the base of her wings.  Your drag your fingernails through her soft light colored fur, and rub your fingertips along the edge of her fluffy wings.  You are rewarded when they suddenly pop out with a sound like an automatic umbrella.  She wakes up with a start.

“Oh geeze, oh no… not now, not like this!”

“Hah.  Sleep well Sea Shell?”

“What?  Oh, yes, it was nice sleeping in a big cuddle pile.  Haven’t done that since my days in the service.”

You looked over to see Lyra and Bon Bon giving each other tongue baths.

“Well, I don’t mean to cut you girls off, but Twilight got herself a big old ship and is coming to take me back.”

You are Twilight Sparkle, and things may be getting a little out of hand.  Beside you stands the captain of this vessel, the Dread Pirate Blue Bean.  How a Pegasus pony with a horticulture cutie mark became a wanted swashbuckler is anybody’s guess, but the mare was one of the most notorious on the Celestia’s Sea.  Negotiations had been surprisingly easy.
“Wears clothes all the time, ya say?  Aye, I’ll catch this slut for ye, and I’ll mount him myself!”
Ragged cheers and saucy horse noises rose from her motley crew of the saltiest mares you had ever seen.
“No, no, there’s no need to mount him!  The whole slut thing is a mistake, I don’t know where he got the card from!”
You had to protect your future horsebando's honor.
“Fine fine, Ye drive a hard bargain.  We’ll all mount him for free then!”
Winking horse noises.  Oh Celestia, this was a mistake.
---
Ye be Anon, wutwut!  As you survey your motley crew of sexy small horses, you find yourself beaming with pride.  All of them had played along and gotten dressed up in their outfits, in spite of Equestria treating most clothing like lingerie.  Some had done it with more enthusiasm than others.
“Lyra…”
“Yes Nonnie?”
“Over here, you’re facing the wrong way.  Turn around and take off that eyepatch, you’re only supposed to wear one.”
She reached up with her hoof and flipped both her eyepatches up, leaving her looking like she was very surprised.  Giggling, she flashed a slightly off salute.
“Aye aye Capitan!”
Man, it didn’t matter what you guys did, no matter what the green unicorn always had fun.  You looked over to her right.  Bon Bon was also in full Pirate regalia, her wooden sword tucked in alongside her barrel.  You knew in an instant she could draw the sword with her mouth, having had extensive time previously to familiarize yourself with her abilities.
“You look nice Bonnie, nice to see you in something other than those black sweaters.”
“Sh-shut up!  Those are tactical turtlenecks, they’re part of my uniform!”
“Your candy store uniform?”
“…y-yeah, t-there.  And nowhere else.”
Nonchalant horse noises.
“Well, your job is to repel boarders.  Use that big ‘ol booty to knock them back.”
“Sh-shut up monkey!  You know you love it!”
You finally came to Sea Shell.  Her outfit was… confusing.  She had big glasses with tape on the nosepiece, a sweater that was much to large for her, and her mane was tied up vertically out of her face with a single hair scrunchie.  Your face scrunched as well.
“…What kind of Pirate are you, Shell?”
“I download songs and movies without paying for them!” she chirped happily.
Ahh.  Oh well, roll with it.
“Well, since you’ve got military experience, I figure you could handle the pillow cannons.”
The modern pillow cannon is a marvel of modern horse engineering.  It’s made from a large tube with a crystal in it.  That’s it.  You stuff a pillow in, pull the string, and some magic stuff happens, expelling the pillow at high velocities.
“I got it captain!  You can count on me!”