>You are walking down main street
>Cowboy hat firmly installed on head, mustache prominently attached to upper lip, sling shot hanging in your cross draw holster, deku nuts placed in your bandolier belt.
>Emblazoned on your knee length black duster, a large silver star.
>You are Anon.  And you are the sheriff of this one horse pony town.  The long arm of the law.  The man.
“Mmmmmmm!  Umf!  Howdy sheriff!”
>Gawdammit, fucking Apple horse.  You continue walking, crime waits for no man.
“Awww, don’t be like that!  A’hve come to report a crime!”
>CRIME.  You stop in your tracks, every law bone in your body erect with justice.
“A certain stallion has stolen my heart.”
>Your law boner goes flaccid.  Fucking horses.  You saunter closed, staring into her bedroom eyes, spurs jangling with each step.  You don’t know that wearing spurs is the equivalent of a forehead mounted dildo to these kinky equines.  She thinks her terrible pickup line has worked.  You reach for the item in your second holster.  With lightning speed you draw, squeezing the trigger.
“NO.  BAD APPLE HORSE.”
>You spray her with water.  She blinks in bewilderment as you spray her again.  Confused instincts take over as Apple pone panics and shakes her head before taking off.  You holster your weapon.  You’ve done your duty this day, laying out dreadful justice.  Law boner restored, you continue your patrol of Ponyville.
---
“Anon!  You can’t run around town wearing that much clothing!  It’s practically a crime to tease mares like that.”
>CRIME.  Nooo, it couldn’t be.  You, a lawbreaker yourself?  You look down at your uniform, the official uniform of THE LAW.  Your ragged sunbeaten stetson hat, flannel shirt, your leather vest, your duster, your Hydra skin boots, and the silver star on your chest.  You stare into its glory, seeking guidance.  There is a bright flash, and the star burns as it judges you.
>CAST IN THE NAME OF GOD, YE WORTHY.
“No… there’s only one crime here.  Miss Sparkle, it’s a crime to interfere in police business.”
“Ohhh really officer?  So how are you gonna punish me?”
>Purple smart whispers this in your ear.  Taking out your notebook, you write.
“Miss Sparkle, please report to the castle court at 9am Wednesday for your trial.  This ticket is not an admission of guilt.  Have a nice day ma’am.”
“Oh yeah I’m gonna have a nice da-WAITWHAT?!”
“Ma’am please calm down, you are making a scene.”
“No.  NONONO.  Anon, this has gone far enough.  If you keep this up you could get hurt!  Or worse!  Some mares could gang up on you and… boop you!  Without wearing any protection!”
>Grape horse was clearly hysterical.  You were the LAW.  You picked her up in your law arms.  Placing your flashing siren on top of your hat, you moved the pone onto your shoulders checking your blind spots before signaling hat you were entering traffic.  
“Anon, what the heck are you waaAAAAAAA!”
>Purple princess nearly flipped backwards off your shoulders as you ran her to the horsepital.

---

“Mighty fine day to you Sheriff!”

“And to you too Miss Pinkie.  I’ll have a dozen glazed donuts and a half gallon carton of chocolate milk.”

“Cow or pony?” says the pink pone with a smirk.

“Surprise me.”

It’s 9:59am and Anon is getting the leftover discount donuts from Ponka.  Being the Law is a labor of love, considering no one actually pays him.  Pinkie is dressed as a cabaret girl, like she always is when Anon comes in at the end of the breakfast rush.  She is almost certain it’s his fetish.  Handing him his milk (its pony lol) she says her farewells.

“Take care out there Sheriff.  You know I reaaaally appreciate all you do for us pony folk.”

“It’s no problem at all Miss Pinkie, somebody’s gotta keep this town safe.”

“Well, I know I sure do appreciate it.  If you ever get some time off the beat, I’d love to help you unwind.”

She bats her eyelashes as he tips his hat to her.

“I may just take ya up on that offer Miss Pie.  You seem to be the only level headed pony around.”

With that, Anon left.  And the rest of the elements fell out of the storage room they had been eavesdropping from.

“Pinkie.  I’m your friend, you know that right?  That may have been the most emaresulating thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  You made Rarity look like Mare Gryllss.”

“Yeah yeah, keep laughing,” says the pink pone as she lights a cigar. “We’ll see whose laughing when that fine ass stallion is median ring deep in my pink party pooper.”