Prompt: RGRE Pony Hooters.
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>You are the manager at Stiffy's
>And you could use a stiff drink
>The regional hoofball playoffs were in full swing, and tonight was the final game between the Trottingham Trouncers and the Ponyville Pounders
>"Hey colt I got somethin' you can pound~"
>Ugh fuck
>So of course before, during and after matches
>fans of both teams pour into Stiffy's for hayburgers, cider and buffalo hooves
>You never got the appeal - hot-sauce caked fried mushrooms... eww
>The grease alone would make your coat matted and jus-
>"Hey sweetie, how about you sit down with us, hmm~?"
>fakesmile.photobooth
"Sorry hon, company policy - can I get you something instead?"
>The face-painted mare drunkenly leans over the table, licking her lips
>"Yeah, how about you take off that thong and let momma have some sauce with her hooves, hmm~?"
"Ma'am if you keep that up I'll have to ask you to leave."
>The mares laugh, and one of them drunkenly tumbles out of the booth
>"Yeah, and who's gonna stop us, sugarmane? Now how abo-"
"ANON!"
>You are the manager of Stiffy's
>And your best hire kicks down the kitchen door, rattling the entire restaurant
>He was such a good catch! You just had to pay him in liquor, fast food and ....double the normal pay
>You sigh internally
>"OI. WHICH ONE OF YOU LIL' FUCKS IS HARASSIN' MORNIN' WOOD?!"
>The mares either "oooo", laugh, or cat-call him
"Anon don't use my stage name for fuck's sak-"
>"I did! Now how about you get your oiled ass over here and let momma lick you!"
>Oh you out-of-towner, you're fucked
>Anon looks pissed
>He stomps over to the table, and they're suddenly aware of the size difference
>sobering up intensifies
>He stops just infront of the drunken mare, his package wobbling slightly in the standard-issue XL thong
>She's switching between lust and self-preservation
>"You. Drop all your bits on the table and fuck off."
>*wobble*
>"Fuck y-"
>Anon reaches down and grips her by her mane, lifting her up

>a vicious gut-punch thuds through the restaurant, and everyone goes quiet
>"Haaaa~*"
>Yep. She's winded
>Anon drags her out by her mane and opens the door, tossing her out into the street
>Past the... line....of customers
>damnit
>He turns and stares down the waiting customers
>"This is what happens if you harass the staff. Got it?"
>Everypony nods in unison
>He stomps back to the kitchen, murmuring something about chafing
"T-thanks, Anon!"
>He stops, looking back at you
>"No problem. Get me some fucking pants and I'll hang out in the lobby."
"S-sorry, bu-"
>"Company uniform, I get it."
>He disappears, and you put on your best smile, grabbing the mare's bit bag
>"I'll just...take this as a tip. Now, can I get you girls anything?"
>They shake their heads, and you turn to hide your grin
>You sway your hips as you walk away
>mmmf. Teasing without any trouble is the best feel
>Some of the other colts start talking to their tables, and soon the party atmosphere is back
>It's such a shame Anon won't come out unless there's trouble - an exotic server like himself would clean up in tips...

>You sigh
>You can hear table #5 from here, and it all started once Anon made another "guest appearance"
>Drunk, of course
>A mare with coke-bottle glasses coughs for attention
>"But no, see. Humans are monogamous - it's because some of them have nipple hair-"
>A ratty-maned pegasus butts in
>"-No, come on. Their stamina is measured in days, I heard, and sometimes they collapse from-"
>And now back to the mare
>"-It's obvious you don't know anything about the subject matter. Put down your freshman nature/nurture-"
>UGH BUCK ME THAT WAS SO BORING
>Also do they not wash?! Just... eww look at them I can see the hayburger stains on her chin...s....
>Oh Celestia please tell me that table is covered
>You look around to your servers, who are pointedly NOT going over to Table #5
>You check the board...
>Some clever colt erased his number from #5
>You don't blame him
>Whelp. Time to volunteer....
"Rock Hard!"
>A Red Earth pony raises his head and comes over
>Buck, you forgot how big he was - you stand only up to his withers
>Well, that's... why you picked him
"Table #5 has been there for 2 hours and has ordered nothing but water. Get them drunk or get them out."
>Rock Hard nods, then slowly walks over to the mares, who are engrossed in their pointless fucking argument
>"-if it scares you, then it might not be for you! It sounds like you're trying to be condes-"
>He stands, stoic and strong
>You sigh internally. Now only if he'd let you braid his tail...
>He clears his throat
>Nothing
>Taps his hoof on the table
>Nothing
>Shrugging, he turns around and walks back to you
"H-Hey! At least try to get their attention!"
>"Ah Did." he smirks
>Dangit! Those mares were being problem....customers....
>You facehoof and grin, and Rock laughs
>"Shall ah?"
>You nod
>"AHNON! PROBLEM AHN TABLE FAIVE."
>"WHO'S BEEN TAKIN MAH WEE MEN?!"
>and you never saw those mares again.

"Ok, everypony-"
>"Racist!"
>the colts giggle, and you roll your eyes
>Fucking tuesday morning staff meetings
"Ok, everyCREATURE-"
>"Hey!"
"-not changin' it! Take your seats, and let's work out our week, ok?"
>EveryTHING sits down, Anon so helpfully hopping on a table
>If it breaks it's comin' out of his pay
"Alright, so. First, great month last month - playoff season is always rough, and the doubleshifts hard, but ya'll rode it out like champions. Anon, stop laughing. We did have one problem, though - we have had an...overabundance of problem customers."
>The colts nod
>"Well, that's just... how it is! Sometimes, some mares just need to be kicked out!"
>Nods and murmurs across the group
"Yes, I understand that, but I think we're using Anon to kick out customers we just don't want to deal with, not ones that are an issue. So, I had an idea-"
>Anon groans, and you cut him a look
>The look of "there are horn-tassles that would fit you"
>He shuts up
>That's what I thought
"So. We have an Anonymous suggestion box. No Anon, that does not mean it's just for you. I want everypony to put in at least one suggestion this week on how we can handle problem customers WITHOUT kicking them out. Any other general tips are appreciated, but I want to see at least one idea per employee. Sound fair?"
>Grumbles of agreement and forced acceptance
>To your management ears it sounds beautiful
"Ok! So let's talk about our schedule..."
* * *

>Another week, another weekly meeting
>You wait for everypony to get settled
>Everyone's talking about their weekend, or about that cute mare they met out shopping
>You sigh internally
>When are you ever gonna just put yourself back out there, colt? You really should - you've got great [spoiler]calfs[/spoiler] and you've got a great tail an-
>"Heeeyyyyyyy if you're going to zone out and talk to yourself, can we go home?"
>-and then there's this colt.
"Well, thanks for snapping me out of it, Anon! Hopefully I won't remember you when I'm looking for somepo-"
>He grins wide
"-ody. Somebody to cover a double."
>His grin vanishes
>That's what I thought
>You place the suggestion box on the table in front of you, patting it gently
"Anyway, it's time for our suggestion box! And first, I want to thank everyBODY for putting in suggestions. It looks stuffed!"
>"T'ch, stuffed - just like Sunday night." Third Leg says
>"Oooh, don't remind me - those watercress wraps were wonderful!" High Wings replies, shimmying in his chair at the memory
"Oh yeah, that was a good dinner. And that waiter! Where did he get that half-vest..."
>Colts night out - can't beat it!
>"Rarity?" Rock Hard suggests
>"Mmm, no. I don't think so, at least - has she branched out into stallionswear now?" Third Leg asks
>Maybe you can go back and ask that waiter where he shops. A vest like that would look great on your barrel, an-
>"Please someone, kill me now."
"And there's our doubleshift volunteer!"
>That's what you get for destroying TWO of my daydreams.
>You smile smugly as Anon grumbles
"Now. Let's get into this suggestion box, shall we?"

>You pull out the first suggestion, unwrapping it
"Let's see...."
>It's number
>>21780651
"We all know the lamp is a real slut though."
>You look up at Anon, who's looking away
"Ok, so somebody was a bit drunk..."
>"That bitch flickers at me-"
"ANON. Inanimate objects hold no agency! We've been over this!"
>"THE LAMP IS A WHORE AND YOU KNOW IT!"
>"YEAH, ANYPONY CAN TURN HER ON!" High Wings adds, and everyone laughs
>You included
"Ok, ok ok. Come on, let's get a serious one..."
>You pull out a second idea
"Anon should let us paint on his chest the specials of the day"
>Ah...huh.
>You look up at Anon, and he shakes his head
"Ok... well, that's... an idea."
>The colts look at each other, before Wet Mane raises his hoof
>You nod at him
>"Well... I mean, he does have a lot of surface area, and it would get him out of the back more often..." Wet Mane begins
>"But I *like* the back. It's got blackjack and alcohol." Anon replies
>"Yeah, but we worry sometimes! All you do is get drunk and then punch a patron-"
>"-who deserves it!"
>"Well... yeah, but-"
"Would it be just the special of the day, or also our drink specials?"
>"Hey!"
"What?! It's a legitimate question!"
>The assembled colts nod in agreement
>"I think we could do drink specials too - or we can also paint on his back-"
>"What? what about when I sit down? That's sill-WHY AM I HELPING YOU?!"
>"Cause you know it's a good idea! Come on, that's great!"
"Alright, we'll just shelve it for now, ok?"
>A few more murmurs go through your team before you put the idea on the side
"Second one, second one... this says...oh."
>You re-read it
"Anon should walk around town to drum up business"
>"I already walk arou-"
"In uniform."
>"Hell no."

"Why not?! You wear it go-"
>"HELL. No. No, just no! I'm not going to walk around town in that!"
>"But you walk around town in /that/."
>Everyone Oooooos and looks at Rock Hard
>shotsfired.newspaper
>"And what do you mean by that, big red?" Anon quirks an eyebrow, rocking his chair from side to side
>"Well... Look 'atcha! You've got blue jeans an' a pinstripe jacket with ah white undershirt! An' you always layer up so weirdly an' an...you wear socks EVERYWHERE!"
"That is a bit lewd, Anon."
>"Oh, I didn't know he was into THAT kinda stuff" Third Leg stage-whispers to Rock Hard
>"What?! They're in my fucking shoes!"
>"That's another thing I was curious about!" High Wings interjects. "Why does he get to wear custom horseshoes... eer. shoes?"
>He looks at Anon, who nods
>"...Like all the time?! I come in with a buffed pair ONCE and you tell me it scuffs the floors-"
>Oh dear you're gonna lose control!
>Rowdy colts talking about fashion - this could be bad
"Everyone, please! Solutions, not complaints!"
>Murmurs, then silence
>Wet Mane raises his hoof, again.
>Fuck.
>You love the colt, he's adorable, but...
"Yes, Wet Mane?"
>"What if Anon just came to work nude? Like, yanno. Everyone else?"
>That's....
"That's actually a good point. Why don't you come to work na-"
>"Because my junk is attached to my hips."
"Ok, that's ev-"
>"And my hips are juuuuust at your head height."
". . ."
>"So, yanno. If you don't mind me boopin' everyone that comes i-"
"Ok. Moving on."
>You put the slip of paper in the "nope" pile
>You're almost certian you heard a soft 'aww', but... nah
"Next suggestion..."

>"HEY GANG, LET'S SEE WHO'S GOING DOWN AT STIFFY'S!"
>You look at Anon and just....stare
"This is not going to be our new slogan."
>"Aww, come on! The jokes write themselves!"
"No, Anon. Take it up with corporate."
>The human huffs, resting his chin on his forearms
>The pile of "maybe" ideas is about... oh, 3, 4?
>This one gets added to the nope pile, now about 15 deep
>And there's a special pile of "fucking marshmallow horses" which is in Anon's fist - so that's another... 5?
"Ok, let's see. Another one: Anon should be our new mascot! We can dress him up depending on the holid-"
>"NO. Fuck you little marshmallow hor-"
"Now hold on! Let's put this to a vote."
>"Th' fuck?! Why on earth would you put this to a vote!" Anon sits back up, growling
>"Well, you /did/ teach us about democracy, Anon." Rock Hard smirks
>"You're just angry that your sister wants me."
>Another round of Ooooos go across the team
>Mmm, and you do love some good daytime drama, but
"All in favor of..."
>You squint
"..dressing Anon up in, and I'll quote here, 'adorable little outfits and booties'?"
>Every hoof goes up, grins all around
"All opposed?"
>Anon raises his hand. "I'll kill you all, you know that, right?"
>You put that in the maybe idea pile
>Boy, harassing Anon is a whole lot of fun
>But you'll have to take him out shopping to get him to calm down
>Oooh! There's your monthly group outing idea~
>You reach back into the box, and realize your hoof scrapes the bottom
>Huh, maybe you're do-oh wait, one left!
"Ok, everypony!"
>"Hey!"
"Sorry. Ok, every-marshmallow-horse!"
>"Hey!" High Wing cries in perfect sync with Anon
>Everyone laughs
>You look at the suggestion, and ... you're actually stunned
>It's a legitimate, well thought out suggestion!
"Wow. Uh, out of curiousity, who put in this suggestion? Anyone recognize it?"
>You raise it up, and nopony claims it

"Put up a rules and conduct plaque in the front of the bar. Put it on every menu as well. If mares get rowdy, give them a warning. Have Anon come out regularly to establish a presence and calm any would-be barfighters. Start a cider-drinking club, giving customers something they can lose if they're not nice."
>Everyone's silent, taking in the wise words
>From the back, a meek voice rises up
>"So that's a yes to writing it on his chest?"
>Damnit Wet Mane.
* * *
"So will that be all for you, hon?"
>You bat your eyes at the farmers, who smile at you
>"Yes, sweetie. But you know you could join us if you'd-"
"Aww, I'd love to, trust me-"
>You wink
"-but rules are rules."
>"Aww, if you're sure-"
>"He's sure."
>Suddenly Anon looms over the table, arms folded
>his XL studded-steel cup wiggles threateningly at the group, and they try to laugh it off
>"Alright, alright - you can't blame us for tryin, right?"
"Of course not, ladies~"
>You turn and sway your hips as you walk away, letting your tail show juuuust a little bit of your package
>Incidents are down
>More customers are here than ever before
>And with the inclusion of Anon's suggestion-
>"Next up on the pole - Wet Mane!" The white DJ horse proclaims, and the bar erupts in cheers
>-business has never been better.