>"But Anon! How in Equestria do you sleep at night!"
>You sigh heavily and cup your face in your hands.
>Irritation is practically dripping from your next words.
"I don't KNOW, Twilight. On my side, alright? Just DROP it."
>The purple unicorn is unperturbed, merely rolling her eyes at you.
>"Anon, please. I grew up with a brother; I'm no stranger to tantrums. It's going to take a l-"
"It isn't a tantrum, dammit!"
>You finish off by stomping your foot down like a mature adult.
"You've been repeating the same goddamn thing for what feels like hours."
>You being to tick points off your fingers.
"Yes, I sleep alone. Yes, I leave my house without protection. Yes, I have a job. Yes, I-"
>"You had a job?!"
>Twilight trots in place, looking properly distressed.
>"Anon! Oh goodness, I'm so sorry!"
>She tries to hug you, but you push her away.
>"No WONDER you're even more emotionally-unstable than most colts are; you've been forced to work for a living!"
>Emotionally-unstable? Twilight, you are on the right path for a big fucking slap, pretty soon.
>You kneel down to her level so that you're face-to-weird-horse-face with her.
"Of course I had a job back on Earth, Twilight. How else was I supposed to support myself?"
>All of the sudden, Twilight cups your cheeks with her hooves.
>When she speaks, it's in this really dramatic-sounding whispering.
>"Who did this to you, Anon?"
>She pulls you closer to her so that she can look you in the eyes.
>"Who hurt you?"
>Fuck this mess.
>You stand back up and watch Twilight eat shit in front of you.
"Twilight, this is dumb. Stop getting worked up over dumb things."
>You reach down and pick this pone up by her armpits and sling her over one of your shoulders.
"C'mon. Let's go get lunch; my treat."
>"Anon, no! Please put me down!"
"Nope."
>You are enjoying this whole experience WAY more than you should be.
>Twilight's kicking her widdle hoofsies at you, trying her hardest to get free without using her magic on you.
>"Please, Anon! I.... I want to get down now. All the ponies are staring!"
>You give her rump a light pat and she squeaks in protest."
"Settle down, Twilight. We're only a few blocks away from the eatery, alright?"
>You jostle her a bit with your shoulder playfully.
"Look at it this way, Twilight. I'm giving you a free ride all the way there."
>You turn a corner and nearly bump into a mare, who stares at you with wide eyes.
>You nod at her politely and continue on her way.
>"Anon, please put me down. That mare... a lot of ponies are sending me dirty looks. I don't li-OW!"
>You whip around when you feel your riding partner get a thump on the head, and are met with the sight of an angry old stallion.
>>"Git offa him! Git yer fat flanks offa tha' poor colt, mare!"
>He aims to swing his cane at Twilight again, but you block it with your arm.
"What the hell is your problem, old man?! Get out of here!"
>You don't shove him (god, what kind of person do you think you are?); you just turn around and start to jog over to the eatery.
>When you're safely out of reach of the old bastard, you place Twilight on the ground again.
"Are you alright, Twilight? Did he hit you too hard?"
>Twilight blushes, but brushes off your concern.
>"D-don't worry about me, Anon. It'll take more than a little old stallion to hurt me. Now."
>She tugs at the collar of your shirt.
>"Let me take a look at that shoulder. You probably aren't used to carrying very much weight, so you might be bruising from carrying me for all this time."
>...You would object, but you DO bruise like a peach.
>"Well, I can't see any crushed blood vessels, so you should be fine."
>She kisses your supposed boo-boo and then buttons up your shirt for you.
>You want to be irritated with her, but that whole scene was just so goddamn adorable.
>You wrap her up in a quick hug, cupping the back of her head and pulling her to your chest.
"Thank you, Twilight. That was very thoughtful."
>"Y-you too..."
>You separate, and it isn't long before you reach your favourite restaurant: "The Cleaving Testicle"
>It's emblem is a pair of horse-balls held tight in a bra.
>It's the weirdest fucking place in town, but they make the most AMAZING sandwiches.
>You reach the door before Twilight does, but she quickly trots up in front of you, squeezing herself between the door and your legs.
>She magicks the door open and tries to gesture inside with one hoof.
>"Stallions first."
>What a polite weirdo.
>You reward her with a scritch behind the ears, and you watch in enjoyment as her eyes glaze over.
>You walk up to a booth where a rather bored looking mare sits waiting for you.
>>"Maredam; sir; table for two?"
"Yu-"
>"That's right!"
>Twilight shouts a little louder than is really necessary, and a few heads turn.
>"A-and we'd like a window seat, please."
>The mare hops off her widdle stool and walks down a nearby isle.
>>"Right is way, please."
>The two of you are led over to a booth in the corner.
>It comes complete with the cushy chair-cushion thingies that ponies sit on, and also two broad, pane-glass windows.
>In short, it's the best of both worlds.
>The server-mare from before deposits a menu in front of Twilight and says that she'll be back soon to take their order.
>...Twilight sure is taking an awful long time with the menu.
"Twi, can I get a look at that when you're done?"
>"Hmm? Oh; no, Anon. You just tell me what kind of food you want and I'll find it in here for you."
>You have no idea why Twilight's being this difficult.
"...or, I could take a look in the menu myself and decide what to eat."
>Twilight giggles and puts the menu down, keeping it out of reach of your long fingers.
>"Don't be silly, Anon. I know you're probably good in the kitchen, but the last thing you need after a day like today is to stress your little head over all the different things you can order."
>She opens the menu to a random page; it's sandwiches.
>"Now, what do you want to eat, Anon?"
>As dumb as this is, you don't want to make a scene.
>The server-mare starts to approach you, and you begin to panic a little bit.
"Just... are we really going to do this?"
>Twilight doesn't answer you; she just looks through the different cheeses available.
>Fuck it, whatever.
"....I'll take the pulled-hay sandwich without the hay, and-"
>"He'll take the pulled-hay sandwich without the hay, please."
>The server-mare nods and writes it down.
>The fuck was that?
"....and a side of the salad-of-the-day with extra dressing."
>"And a side of the salad-of-the-day, regular dressing."
>Twilight glances at you before going back to the menu.
>"No extra dressing for you today, Anon. You'll ruin your figure."
>Well, fuck you too, purple horse.
>This coming from the mare with one of the most jiggly, slap-able asses around town.
>Mmph!
>You turn to the server and wave a hand to grab her attention.
"Add on that extra dressing, please."
>She shakes her head.
>>"Sorry, sir. I can't change or add onto an order without your mare's permission."
>.......
>There are so many things wrong with that one sentence that you don't know where to begin.
>The server-mare just goes on to address Twilight.
>>"And what would you like to eat today, maredam?"
>"I'll have two hay-burgers and three orders of horseshoe fries."
>>"Will that be everything?"
>Twilight nods and the server-mare walks off.
>There's a brief silence as the two of you enjoy each other's company.
>For a sexist pony, Twilight's actually pretty nice.
>It's more of a 'delightfully eccentric' kind of sexism.
>Like, she's worried for your safety more than she's out to take your monkey dick by force.
"So, what was THAT all about? Why didn't you let me order my own stuff?"
>"Oh, Anon~"
>Twilight giggles and lays a hoof on one of your hands.
>"I know you've gotten some strange ideas in your head from when some.... DEGENERATE allowed a delicate colt like you to work for a living, but you don't have to pretend any more."
"...what am I pretending?"
>Twilight sighs and looks at you with pity.
>"You don't have to hide the hurt any more, Anon. You conceal it well, but I can see it in your eyes, how desperately you're trying to hold it together. I can't even begin to understand the hardships you've been through, but it's over now. I'm here for you."
>........
>Wow.
>You and Twilight are going to have a LONG talk after lunch, when you get back home.
"That's... incredibly sweet of you, Twilight. I... you're a very selfless mare."
>Twilight seems oblivious to your discomfort.
"But seeing as how I'm paying for our meals, I would have liked to get a good look at the menu."
>Not that you don't already know it by heart, but it's the principle of the matter.
>Twilight gives you the same look she gave you when you told her that you had a job back on Earth.
>"They made you pay for your own meals, too?!"
>Twilight scrambles over to your side of the booth and hops on your lap.
>She pulls you into a tight hug and gently strokes the back of your head.
>"Ohh, Anonymous! It's okay, foal; Twilight's here now. She won't let anything bad happen to you from now on."
>Fuck this day and everything about it.
>For the sake of conversation, you tell Twilight about your job back on Earth.
>If she weren't so busy stuffing her face like the deliciously fat-ass that she is, she'd probably be making better conversation than she is right now.
>"An'n! Tha's ter'ble!"
>She manages to spray you with her current mouthful of hayburger, and you pretend not to nice it.
>>"Excuse me."
>You look behind you to see a group of concerned mares eating in the booth that's besides your own.
>>"Did you just say that your herd FORCED you to work all day? And that you had to pay the bills AND for the food?"
"That-"
>"Not even a herd!"
>Fuck's sake.
>Twilight jumps out of her seat and sits down next to you, facing the other mares.
>"He lived all by himself and he had no other choice!"
>The mares behind you make various noises of outrage, and you just cover your face in embarrassment.
>>"This is an outrage! I... we... Ugh!"
>The mare from the other booth (we'll call her "Debra" for the sake of clarity) hops over the barrier between your booths and plops down next to you.
>>"How did this happen, sweetie? Why didn't you go get help?"
>Debra's tearing up at this point. Most of her friends aren't doing any better.
>>"We would have helped you! Any of us; any decent mare would have accepted you with open hooves if you had just asked!"
>This strange mare whom you've never met before gives up trying to hold herself back and collapses into your arms.
>Another mare (let's say... Helga) pops over and gently pries Debra off of you.
>>>"I'm really sorry about my friend, sir. She's a bit... you know..."
>Helga whistles a bit and rolls her eyes.
>You don't know what she means.
>Suddently, Debra breaks free from Helga's grip and launches herself at you!
>>"Who did this?! Where is she?!"
>You're getting stares from the other ponies around you.
>That's when Debra is flung off of you in a burst of purple magic.
>"That's enough! Give him some space; you're going to overwhelm him! Do you want an emotionally-exhausted colt on our hooves?!"
>You turn around just in time to see Twilight toss some bits onto the table before she picks you up with her magic and sprints outside with you.

--------------
found a bunch of extra shit that I didn't post here for some reason

>Twilight rushes down the street, with you floating behind her in a protective, purple bubble.
>You think you hear some mares muttering unsavoury things as you pass.
>>"Look at the way he's teasing us with that bulge."
>>"Advertising himself in the air like that?! I'll bet he eats so much pussy, the slut."
>>"You see, Cuddle Wings? Keep your stallion on a short leash."
>Fuck you too, sexist pony society.
>You can't keep the green man down for long.
>You'll eat all the pussy you want; you're a PROUD independent alien man.
>WHO DON'T NEED NO MARE
"Twilight, you can put me down any time, now."
>"Quiet, Anon! Can't you see how emotional you're getting?!"
"I'm not the one who-"
>"Control yourself, colt!"
>You feel a small pressure on your mouth, and you find that you can't move your jaw.
>Yeesh.
>This mare is going to be a wizard.
>It's her destiny.
>No, but seriously; you're going to pee on her while she sleeps tonight and say that Spike did it.
>>"Twilight! H-hey, Twilight!"
>A pudgy, aqua-green mare with a harp on her butt runs up beside Twilight, struggling to keep up.
>"What is it, Lyra? I'm trying to get this colt back home before he causes even MORE of a scene!"
>And her books; you're going to pee all over her books.
>>"Wh-what's his going r-rate? I... hah... I wanna see... how... how he... oh jeez..."
>Lyra can't keep up with Twilight, and begins to fall behind.
>>"I wanna fu...! I wanna....! Twili'... I.. I wan..."
>Lyra collapses onto the sidewalk and throws up a little bit out of exertion.
>>"Hah... hah....muh virginity.... huhh..."
>Is this... do mares just.... what?
>No, what?
>Did a fucking pony-neckbeard just ask Twilight to loan you out?
>"We can talk later, Lyra! He hasn't been tested out yet!"
>You take back every nice thing you've ever said about Twilight.
>You're going to burn her fucking library to the ground.
>You think that you won't? 
>You clearly have NO IDEA just how petty and spiteful you can be.

>But there is ONE bright side to living here in Ponyville.
>As weird and borderline-dystopia it is for males here, mares still haven't dipped their hooves into the "rape" pool yet.
>Something about how they wouldn't have to "steal it" if they were a real mare.
>......
>God, you are just BARELY keeping it together.
>You fucking hate it here.
>If it weren't for these mares having moments where they dote on you and worry over the smallest things, you would have left for greener pastures MONTHS ago.
>The rest of your trip back home is uneventful.
>Twilight gently lowers you onto your bed (custom-made to fit your "huge as fuck" stature) and settles down on your chest.
>"Anon! Oh my goodness, Anon! I'm so sorry for taking you out for lunch."
"Twilight, I took YOU out fo-"
>Twilight puts a gentle hoof on your mouth to silence you, and you gag a bit at the taste of dirt-road and poor-hygiene. 
>"I can't believe that mare tried to RAPE you!"
>For fuck's sake, Twilight. Don't make this situation more weird than it already is.
"Nopony tried to rape me, Twilight."
>Twilight stands up on your chest and looks at you with a look of annoyance and concern.
>"Oh, what do YOU know?! You wouldn't know rape if it forced you to penetrate a mare!"
>Hahahaha
>Okay, you're not even mad.

>You scoop the mare up and carry her bridal-style out of your bedroom and into the library's main room.
>"A-Anon! This isn't proper! Put me down right now!"
"Or you'll do WHAT, Twi?"
>"Or I'll.... I'll... I'll tell everypony that you're a slut!"
>This just makes your cuddle-boner harder.
>For the sake of shutting this mare up and putting an end to this weird day, you lean down and nuzzle her head.
>Twilight, of course, gasps at your display of absolute lewdness.
>Oh Twilight.
>You're already a [spoiler]demon[/spoiler] slut.
>You put a hand on the little pony's belly and begin to rub slowly.
>Up... and down. Up.... and down.
"Shhhh..... shh-shh-shh-shh...."
>Wriggle those hoof-spiders slowly......
>Twilight makes some happy horse noises and grasps your arm with her front hooves, trying to curl her body around your hand.
"Look, Twilight, let's just forget that today happened, alright? C'mon; let's go find something to read and to calm our nerves, hmm?"
>This brings Twilight up short.
>She looks up at you as though seeing you for the first time, and you SWEAR you could see little hearts blooming in her eyes.
>"You can read?! Oh, Anon! Why didn't you tell me that your human mares taught you how to read?!"
>Aaaand those new-found feelings of whimsy are gone.
>Burning this place to the ground at your earliest convenience.
"Nopony taught me how to read, Twilight. I learned in school."
>Twilight is intrigued despite the belly-rubs she's getting.
>"Why would... ohh! Why would human colts need to goohohohooooyes... go to school, Anon? Colts aren't as smart or as ay! As able as mares are; an education is waaAAAAAsted on them, isn't it?"

----------

>Day Nap Time in Sexistquestria
>You've escaped Twilight's strange clutches by saying that you had to step outside for a "colt moment".
>You have no idea what a "colt moment" actually is, but Twilight's face turned bright red and she promised you up and down that she "wouldn't look".
>That was a couple of hours ago.
>Currently, you are napping behind a barn on Sweet Apple Acres.
>You don't actually know what kind of schedule Applejack keeps, but you're pretty sure that "check behind the barn for napping colts" isn't on her list.
>You were wrong.
>"Who in'nuh hay is- Anawn?! Anawn, what're y'all-no way!"
>You feel a pair of hooves firmly shove you in the chest, startling you awake from your light dozing.
>Applejack is staring down at you, looking aghast.
>"Ah thought you were more resonsible, Anawn. Ah have tuh say, Ah'm mighty disappointed in y'all right now. Look at y'all."
>She pokes you in the chest aggressively, and you're half-asleep enough that you just kind of let it happen.
>Jesus, just give you five minutes to WAKE UP before you have to deal with this bullshit.
>"Yer sleepin' all by yer lonesome, weren't y'all?! Jus' what kinda colt do y'all think you are, anyway? Y'all think Ah'll leave you alone with mah sister if yer so irresponsible?"
>She gets right up in your face, and you scuttle backwards until your back hits the barn wall.
>"Bloomy don' need no 'alone-sleeper' to be her daddy!"
>And that's when your brain woke up.
"Wait, what you you mean, 'daddy'?"
>Applejack just rolled her eyes.
>"Anawn, Ah know yer a colt, but y'all ain't dumb like one. Why do you think Twahlahght let you walk all the way tuh mah property without no mares to es-cort you? Why do y'all think Ah let you play with Apple Bloom? An' just why do you think that Ah didn't jus' hog-tie y'all an' hide you in the storage cellar?"
>Applejack straddles your chest and nuzzles your face.

>"Twahlahght game permission to court y'all, Anawn. Mah family loves you, which means that y'all ain't jus' gonna be breedin' stock. In fact, you get to be Apple Bloom's new daddy."
>"Twahlahght's already signed the papers, sweetheart; we're hitched now. We Apples ain't one fer a big party, so y'all don' have tuh worry 'bout gettin' overwhelmed by all the loud noises an' flashin' lights."
>You... what?
>You're honestly too stunned to respond.
>You've been sold off? In marriage?
>That's legal?!
>....wait.
>Papers.
>oh fuck.
>OH FUCK OH FUCK
>You remember those papers!
>Anon, you dumb motherfucker, why did you sign legal forms when you SAW the words "marriage rights" on them?!
>BUT IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DEAL SHE PROPOSED
>oooohhh, you done goofed now, Anon.
>Applejack apparently picked up on your distress, because she curls up at your side and tries to share some of her body heat with you.
>"It's a big shock; Ah know, Anawn. Ah'll jus' sit right here an' let y'all have one of yer 'stallion breaks', okay? Ah don' want yer delicate sensibilities all in a tizzy when we con-sew-mate tonight. 
>welp.
>You're pretty sure that Applejack isn't strong enough to take your horse-virginity.
>...probably.
>Okay, Anon, new plan: Step one: escape the farm. Step two: piss on everything Twilight loves. Step three: pick a direction and start walking.
>Maybe things will be better in the Gryffin lands.
>Sequel hook.

And then they fucked.  Canon ending: sex with Applejack.  Big Mac give Anon tips.